Ummm 100% correct. I mean this was essentially Cersei for the entire episode. As for who’s her Patsy?
I’d love to give it to a wildling, but all I want in life is to be someone’s Patsy. And Cersei and I would have so much fun!
1. I think I’m going to have to go with Tyra. It’s simple yet funny in a way I’d feel they’d both make fun of publicly but privately approve of. Although Arwin Lannistark might be my new favorite name for anything ever. I’m going to get a pet just so I can name them that.
2. I’m so obsessed with all my followers and their amazing questions.
Okay:
1. Jorah Mormont has the voice of someone I want to sit next to on a patio while he reads me stories by the Bronte sisters. Even when he’s angry there’s something soothing and reassuring about it, like Michael Caine’s. Jaqen H’ghar’s voice, much like his assassinations, creeps quietly up on you and you just think things are going normally until all of the sudden you’re dead. And Bolton wins hands down. His voice is what would happen if Tom Waits and Jeremy Irons had a vocal child with James Earl Jones and an angry wolf. I mean the way he says whore? Is he kidding?
There is only one person who should ever narrate audio books, award shows, commercials, movie trailers, my internal monologue and that’s Michael McElhatton.
2. How dare you suggest Arya and Jaime hanging out. I never even thought about that before and now I’m obsessed with them becoming buddies because he would love her for all the same reasons that Tywin loves her and she would love him because he could teach her how to be a great fighter and they would be so sassy together.
Basically Arya needs to just go around having unpaid internships with all the main characters because Arya + Anyone is magic. But Arya and Jaime. You monster! That would be amazing. (As to who would win in a sass off? I’m giving it to Jaime but just by his a hair. “You’re even uglier in the daylight.” I mean, come on. She’s a formidable opponent but he has years of sassing on her.)
3. As for who of the off-screen characters would win in a contest, I will give you what I assume each of them are doing at this exact moment and allow you to pick the winner.
Kids:
Mycella:
Tommen:
Rickon:
Direwolves:
Greywind:
Nymeria:
Summer:
Shaggydog:
Ghost:
(I’m very happy my recaps make you appreciate the wonderfulness of Ghost, it is very possible he’s my favorite character.)
Tywin you sly little minx! That’s very interesting!! I mean I wouldn’t put it past him, he is Cersei’s father. She comes by her ruthless self-preservation honestly.
And I am so super excited for Tywin to find out it was Arya!!! I hope it happens next episode so we don’t have to wait a full season for it. I’m imaging his reaction will be a combination of this, mixed with a little this and maybe starts off as this but then eventually becomes this with a side of this and finally this.
Recap: Episode 8, Season 2
Previously: No mention of Ser Dontos, Or the comet, Or Grey Wind, The pretend death of the two youngest Starks, Jon getting hit on, The Thirteen being killed, The Spice King being a dick, Me going to Vegas and taking forever to post but what can I say my money wasn’t going to gamble itself, etc. etc.
Winterfell!
Theon’s brilliant plan is…..pretend he killed Bran and Rickon, then confiscate everyone’s cellphone so the word won’t get out, and then live in secret in Winterfell forever with his dead-children decorations? Theon, Theon, Theon, what are we going to do with you? He and Cleftjaw are killing all the ravens and dumping the bodies all over the courtyard because what’s a few more dead corpses in there? (True story: I have walked over no less than three dead baby birds that have fallen out of their nests on the streets of Manhattan in the past week. The other day a leaf was falling near me and I jumped out of the way because I assumed it was a dead baby bird. I believe it’s some sort of sign from the universe but I haven’t been able to decipher what yet (I got into Hogwarts?) The point is it’s raining dead birds in both Manhattan and Winterfell, everyone dress appropriately.) Theon and his BFF Cleftjaw are very pleased with themselves when they shouldn’t be, as always. Then an announcement comes over the loudspeakers that Yara has arrived! Theon depressingly gets so excited and goes to stand faux causally in the entrance with his chest thrust out in what I can only assume is an outfit he picked out special that morning because this is what he’s been waiting for! His shining moment of glory when someone, anyone will pat him on the head and tell him what a good job he did. (Weiss and Benioff, for all my issues with things that happen in this episode I will never not be super impressed at the way you (and Alfie Allen) get my heart to squeeze for Theon Greyjoy.) Then Yara comes and hilariously gallops a demeaning circle around Theon because everything Yara does is a power play with her brother including riding a horse.
Theon:
Theon sees that she brought ten guys with her and his face completely falls. Theon, you poor poor son of a bitch.
Winterfell Main Hall!
Theon comes walking into the Feast Hall where a bunch of sailors are raiding the Winterfell kitchens. (Put your feet down Yara! That is Ned Stark’s dinner table!!)
Yara, “Hear ye, hear ye, it’s the Prince of Winterfell!”
Theon, “Omg can you say, “jealous much?””
Yara, “I’m really not.”
Theon, “You should be! I took Winterfell! Who wants to touch me??”
Everyone:
Theon, “I said who wants to touch me?”
Everyone, “We’re good.”
Theon, “Why are you guys being such poops about this? I grew up here and this castle is big and famous and awesome and I went all sneaky up the back and stole it! And now it’s mine! How is that not the coolest thing you’ve ever heard?”
Yara, “Well that’s as good of an opening as I’m gonna get, so can we talk about the children you murdered?”
Theon, “I’m actually glad you brought that up. You are not gonna believe what dicks those kids were to me - ”
Yara, “You mean while you were killing them?”
Theon, “Before that, obviously.”
Yara, “Obviously.”
Theon, “What crawled up your butt?”
Yara:
Theon, “No you see here’s what happened. I came in here and I sat down on Bran’s bed and I explained to him how I was in charge now because I decided I needed the approval of my asshole real family more than the love and respect of my wonderful fake family. And then he said, “That’s great Theon, I’ll stay here and help you with that,” and then he totally didn’t! Can you believe that shit?”
Yara, “Yes. He’s 10 and awesome. Look, you behaved like an asshole because you’re a Greyjoy, it’s kind of our thing, but you can’t fault the boys for trying to get as far away from you as possible, that’s just good common sense.”
Theon, “Be nice to me please!!”
Yara, “You are a stupid cunt. A dumb cunt. A idiot cunt.”
Bronn: 
Theon, “I don’t understand,”
Yara, “You killed the only thing that was going to keep you alive.”
Yara:
Theon, “But they were all gonna laugh at me!”
Yara, “Yeah, and they still are, do you know why?”
Theon:
Theon, “If you don’t stop being a bitch I’m going to….going to….”
Yara, “Well seeing as I’m not 10 or a cripple I’m not all that concerned with your threats.”
Sailors, “Burn!”
Theon, helplessly folding in front of everyone when faced with his sister’s badassness, ”Why did you only bring five of your friends! That’ s not enough to protect me from/impress Robb with when he gets here!”
Yara, “Uhhh that’s cause you’re coming home loser. You are so totally grounded.”
Theon, “For what? Being too awesome?”
Yara, “What do you think is happening here? Joffrey chopped off Ned Stark’s head and now our entire continent is at war with itself. What do you think the reaction is going to be when people find out that his two youngest sons have been gruesomely murdered?”
Theon, “………I will be effusively praised?”
Yara, “No….just no.”
Theon, “Look we don’t have to worry about that because I confiscated everyone’s cell-phones so we are all good sister.”
Yara, “Yes but people still have mouths. Come on Theon you’re smarter than that. Why did you want me to bring 500 men with me? Because you knew the story was gonna leak and once it does all manner of unholy terror is going to descend on you. And us Pykers can be quiet the formidable opponent when we’re on our ships but out here in the woods, we’re pretty fucking useless. Dad’s plan, which btw was also terrible, was to slowly move up the coast attacking and building our army before moving into siege Winterfell. Nobody knows what the hell you think you’re doing. You a failure and you need to get the fuck out of dodge.”
Theon:
Yara, “Everyone out.”
Everyone Exeunt.
Yara, “You have been a constant source of irritation and disappointment ever since father brought you home from that orphanage.”
Theon, “Yara, you know that’s not true, I am your brother.”
Yara, “I know, I know but please allow me that little fantasy.”
Theon, “I’m not going to die!….Right?”
Yara, “You know what’s crazy is no matter how infuriating your behavior is or how angry I get with you, I still love you and will always ultimately forgive you, because we’re siblings and that’s what family does for each other. If you aren’t going to listen to me now at least think about what I said. Don’t die so far away from the sea.” (Awwww, Yara, I like you on the show now too!)
Yara Exit.
Theon:
I love writing these recaps, they give me so much joy, and I’m so happy they give joy to others. I would love to publish them early, or at the very least before the next episode airs but life has a habit of getting in the way. I really wanted to get this one out before the next episode airs because I had so many feels, but turns out the poolside wifi at the Venetian is terrible, so it’s going up tomorrow. (I’m also not going to be able to even watch the newest episode till Tuesday, which I’m not in a place I can talk about yet.) Thank you for your continued support and indulgence!!!
That is an excellent question. Unfortunately I’m in Las Vegas for Memorial Day weekend and my plan was to finish and post on the flight over but Frontier Airlines doesn’t have Wifi because they are animals and my friends keep insisting that there are more important things to do in Vegas than “be on the internet.” If I get 30 minutes to myself today it will be up. I promise.
Omg.
I knew it was gonna happen and I still feel like I Room of Requiremented it into existence.
Thank you!!!! A gif of my feelings:
I apologize, I was very degenerate about posting the latest recap. (Mostly because I wilded out last week like a goddamn sorority girl and when I finally became a person again on Sunday afternoon I realized I had not done laundry or finished my recap and I had just paid $3.99 to rent The Vow. I promise better behavior in the future (to both my readers and myself.))
