A Song of Ice and Lolz

"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "


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Recap Episode 2, Season One

Previously: Zombies, Wolves, Haircuts, Rape, Dragon Eggs, Twincest, Walls, Defenestration, etc. etc.

Across the Narrow Sea!

Daenerys is taking five when Jorah comes over because Jorah is never anywhere farther than 5 seconds from being up Daenerys’s ass at all times. Jorah is like, “You need to take care of yourself,” and gives her a horse slim jim. Her face says, “If I eat another piece of horse meat I’m going to ralph.” Jorah tells her the Dothraki believe in a ghost grass that will destroy all living crops and take over the world because they are super concerned about global warming. Daenerys, “Is this supposed to be making me feel better or…” Jorah sees Daenerys looking apprehensively at Drogo and tells her it will get easier. She looks at him like, “Gross old man, why would you say that?” and rides away. Jorah, “A swing and a miss.”

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The Dothraki make camp. Jorah stops Viserys and is like, “Uhh dude don’t you wanna go back to the hotel, it doesn’t really seem like camping is your thing.”

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Viserys, “I don’t want a hotel I want an army.” He picks up on Jorah’s condenscion and brings up his slave trading because Viserys is a manipulative dick. He makes Jorah tell him about how he got caught selling slaves by Ned Stark. Viserys, “Sucks to be you dude. Btw you can totally do that when I’m king and there will be a soda machine in the cafeteria, senior parking on Thursday and Friday, it’s going to be totally sweet.” Iain Glen says the word, “douche” under his breath as Viserys walks away.

Winterfell!

Tyrion is sleeping in what appears to be a kennel surrounded by a bunch of literal dogs. I’ve had some crazy nights but I’ve always woken up surrounded predominantly by members of my own species. He looks around confused, and then he immediately rolls with it. I want to party with Tyrion so bad, a man who wakes up in what looks like a pig sty and isn’t thrown is a man you want to get a drink with. (Also Bran fell from the tower at like, what, 1 pm yesterday? You would think the mood in Winterfell would be a bit more somber. Who was Tyrion partying so hard with he couldn’t find a bed?) Joffrey’s standing there, watching him sleep…? How long were you standing there Joffrey?

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Joffrey, “More bitches than you’re used to right Uncle?” Ugh, go die in a hole Joffrey, you aren’t even funny. Joffrey tells him Cersei’s looking for him. Tyrion’s like, “Again?” I love how much Tyrion avoids the shit out of Cersei. Sometimes that’s the sanest way to deal with your crazier family members. Joffrey tells him that they’re going back to King’s Landing today and he should really stop sleeping in a kennel and probably change out of last night’s clothes. Tyrion tells Joffrey that he has to go see the Starks and give them his condolences about Bran. Joffrey, “I don’t want to and you can’t make me. Plus I can’t stand the wailing of women.” The kid who’s cast as Joffrey does a great job of being a terrible little shit. I hate him more than I hate Draco Malfloy, more than George Bush, more than Lea Michele. Tyrion hauls off and slaps the shit out of Joffrey’s face while he whines and cries and it is so wonderful.

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Joffrey, “I’m going to tell my mom!!!”
Tyrion, “Go for it she hasn’t been able to find me this whole trip. Now go tell the Starks how sorry you are! Ya dig?”
Joffrey, “Not really.” OH and he hit’s him again!! If there was a television show that was just 60 minutes of Tyrion slapping the shit out of Joffrey, I’d probably only watch one episode (where’s the character development?) but I would enjoy all 60 of those minutes. Tyrion, you turned out to be:
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The Hound, “The prince will remember that little lord.” Tyrion, “If he forget’s be a good dog and remind him.” Tyrion don’t give a fuck about his psychopathic, royal nephew’s wrath.

Tyrion wanders away all, “Time for breakfast!” But he has a moment where his face looks troubled and he’s like, “Eehhhh maybe I shouldn’t have done that.” I think the reason Dinklage won the Emmy (and should win all the awards) is because his performance is so confident. You feel that Dinklage understands the shit out of his character and is having so much fun. He joins his siblings in the great hall (which has a giant painting of a wolf in it, little on the nose Starks?) He starts placing his breakfast order, “Greasy breakfast sandwich with a side of sausage, hashbrowns and ketchup, ginger ale, orange juice, some eggs scrambled with cheddar, and bring me all the Doritos you have, especially the pizza kind….and a beer!” Then he proves he’s after every lush’s heart by ordering bacon. Tyrion!! Let’s be hangover fat together! He can’t wait for the chefs to begin to make everything he just ordered so he steals food off Tommen’s plate. The man is in desperate need Tommen! Shape up or ship out!

Tyrion tells them that it looks like Bran is not going to die. Cersei looks like this on the outside:

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And this on the inside:

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Jamie and Cersei steal a glance which Tyrion notices. They say it’s not great to have kids in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. Tyrion tells Cersei that the charms of the North seem to be entirely lost on her (and everyone has noticed her constant bitchface.) He is now stealing food off her plate. (Dinklage delivers every line in this scene with a piece of meat in his hand. You can stop trying to win me over!! I’m already there!!)

Cersei, “I can’t believe you’re going to the wall.”
Tyrion, “I have an interest in things outside myself and a sense of adventure and excitement about what the world has to offer me, I don’t expect you to understand.”
Jamie, “You’re not going to take the black are you? Cause I’m gonna need you at those uncomfortable state dinners we always have to go to.”
Tyrion, “Yeah like I’m going to stop fucking people if I don’t have to.” Jamie’s totally lolzing as he listens to Tyrion. The charms of Tyrion seem to be entirely lost on Cersei.
Tyrion, “I just want to piss off the edge of the world.” Who doesn’t?
Cersei, “Children don’t need to hear your filth.” Even though Mycella and Tommen are lolling hard and clearly love Tyrion. Every kid needs an aunt/uncle/family friend that treats them like adults and gets along with them. Jamie, “Even if the boy lives he’d be a cripple or a grotesque, give me a good clean death any day.”

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Tyrion, “Speaking for the grotesque, I disagree. Death is so final, whereas life is full of possibilities.” I wonder if any of the actors get pissed that Tyrion gets all the best lines.
Then Tyrion tests the waters, “I wonder what Bran is going to say when he wakes up.”
Jamie, “You know, sometimes I wonder who’s side you’re on.”
Tyrion, “Brother you wound me, you know how much I love my family.”
They finally bring him his beer. Hungover and pre hair-of-the-dog Tyrion 1. slapped Joffrey 2. lolled with his nieces and nephews 3. pissed off Cersei and 4. discovered that his siblings had something to do with Bran’s fall. When I’m that hungover the most I can hope to accomplish is opening Tumblr and even that is a bit of a stretch (my password is long and hard to type.)

Bran’s Room!

Catelyn is sitting next to Bran’s bed knitting that weird doll those kids found in the Blair Witch Project. (How is this going to make Bran feel better Catelyn?) Cersei comes in and Catelyn’s like, “Fuck I’m still in my pajamas.” Ugh, I feel you Catelyn, nothing more annoying than having guests when you don’t want to put pants on. Cersei’s like, “It’s cool I’m here to damage control it doesn’t really matter what you’re wearing.” Also Cersei is wearing a fucking comforter wrapped around her. The woman knows how to travel. Cersei’s like, “Not to make this all about me, but let’s go ahead and make this all about me.” And tells a story about how she lost her first son. “He looked just like Robert, like EXACTLY. He had mutton chops and came out doing a keg stand. Literally, nothing like my other children. Isn’t that weird? I’ll pray everyday to the mother that Bran wakes up.” Catelyn and Cersei are many things but they are both mothers you do not want to fuck with. Catelyn’s like, “Thanks…I guess…I don’t really know…how I’m supposed to….react…to all that…”

At the Blacksmiths!

Jon Snow is getting a sword from the blacksmith when Jamie wanders up. So, the action is supposed to take place in some medieval/fantasy world which is great, I love it, I’m there, but Jamie is wearing expertly tailored leather, is perfectly shaven and has a $2,000 hair cut. He looks like he just wandered off a John Varvatos catalogue shoot. He starts asking Jon questions about his sword and Jon gets all red faced and bumbley because 1. he’s Jamie Lannister and 2. that’s like Steve Jobs coming up to you and asking you questions about your iphone (and now imagine you’re a teenage boy and the discussion is really about your penises.) He asks him if Jon’s ever swung it, Jon, “Uhh there’s a dummy out in the stables that you can talk to about that. We were going at it pretty hard the other night.”

Jamie, “I mean at someone, loser. It’s an interesting feeling when you cut a man for the first time; you realize we’re all just sacks of meat.”
Jon, “Are we still talking about sex….”
Jamie, “Yes. Good luck with the whole “Night’s Watch” thing. If it doesn’t work out, no worries. It’s only for life.” Jaime Lannister: Trolling Your Life Decisions Since 18-Whenever The Fuck.
Jon, “How did I get told again?”
Blacksmith, “Don’t know, Bro.”

Arya’s Room!

Arya’s packing for King’s Landing when Jon comes in. Now around the time I was reading the first book and my roommate was reading the second we had this exchange:

me: also are arya and jon snow gonna fuck? cause it kinda seems like she wants to fuck him. and on one hand, get it girrrrrrrrrrrl, amiright? on the other hand, he’s your half brother and you’re ten, so maybe i don’t know calm your knickers down?
Jacob: She just loves him. Don’t be gross.
me: loves him in a sexual way? orrrrrrrrrrrr…….
Jacob: If I were a ten year old with a half brother as hot as Jon Snow, I’d probably bang him. She just loves him. Also, Arya is basically a lesbian.
me: well i think jon snow needs a lesbian. he has too many daddy issues to be with a straight girl? LOOK IM NOT SAYING I WANT THEM TO FUCK. IM NOT SAYING THAT. it just SEEMS like they MIGHT.
Jacob: They aren’t even going to be in the same place. He’s up on the wall and she’s down in King’s Landing.
me: well, does jon snow fuck ANYONE? THESE ARE MY GoT CONCERNS.
Jacob: No. Jon Snow does not fuck anyone. He’s a brother of the Night’s Watch. He takes no wife. Fathers no children. He and Sam Tarly get close once. But that’s only because they think they’re going to die and Sam is like, I want to know what my dick feels like inside someone and Jon Snow is like well, I am hot and a gentleman.
me: WHAT?? i havent gotten to any weird sam/snow sex stuff.
Jacob: You’ll get there.
me: dont spoil gay sex for me. you know how much that bothers me.

Now I’m not saying I want Arya and Jon to bone. I’M NOT SAYING THAT. AT ALL. LET ME BE CLEAR. I just get frustrated sometimes that so far only Sam seems to get how awesome it would be to fuck Jon Snow all day every day. Anyway Arya’s pissed because she has to refold her clothes because her Septa called her a slob.

Arya, “I’m gonna have to iron them anyway when we get there, it’s a fucking suitcase and it’s 18-Whatever the Hell we don’t have garment bags yet.”
Jon, “Well at least you got your direwolf helping you.”

Arya adorably and awesomely goes to show off how she’s taught Nymeria, her direwolf to fetch her gloves for her, but Nymeria just sits there and blinks at her. If you think for one second that Arya hasn’t successfully taught Nymeria how to pick up every object in that bedroom and Nymeria isn’t just refusing to participate to fuck with her in front of Jon, then you are underestimating the complete and total awesomeness of Arya Stark and shame on you. Jon cuts her off quickly, embarrassed in a sweet way about what he’s about to do. He tells her to shut the door and gives her a sword. Arya face is, “This is the coolest thing that’s ever happened.” Jon’s like it’s skinny like you and you have to practice everyday. Ughhhh Jon why are you the best older brother ever!! (After Robb)

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Jon, “First lesson , stick him with the pointy end.” Arya goes to hug him and the sword gets a little close to his hair and he has traumatic flash backs to the forced hair cut he had earlier. (Also if he wasn’t invited to the party why did he have to get a hair cut, Catelyn? Bitch, you are cooold.) He’s like, “CAREFUL. WATCH THE DO.” And then they hug and it’s adorable and I want a TV Show or at least a Christmas Special devoted to the Stark siblings and all the lolz things they would do if they all lived with each other as adults. Like Keeping Up With the Kardashians but with six awesome human beings. (I’m kidding Khloe, I love you.) Arya decides to call her sword, “needle” like a sewing needle, because there is nothing Arya loves more than being subversive about gender specific expectations.

Bran’s Room!

Jon, “I just came to say goodbye.”
Catelyn, “Well, you said it.” Damnnnnnnnnnn that is cold. Jon says a very lovely monologue to Bran about how he’s going north and how Bran can come visit him on the Wall when he’s better. Catelyn stares at him through this with pure hate. After he’s done Catelyn says, “I.Want.You.To.Leave.” Ned’s standing in the doorway this whole time and doesn’t say anything to Catelyn about what a cunt she’s being. Ughhhh you guys are such dicks. You’re the reason indie music exists. Jon’s like, “Seriously lady, with this shit? You know you’re totally the reason I need to get the fuck out of Winterfell you could at least act contrite about it,” and then he kisses Bran and peaces. Catelyn yells at Ned about how he left with Robert Baratheon before and came back with a baby and that fucked her entire life up for 17 years.
Ned, “Come on don’t be like that.”
Catelyn, “I can’t do this.”
Ned, “Them’s the breaks.”

Horse Dock Area!

Jon’s loading up his horse when Robb comes sashaying over with his cloak draped every so jauntingly over his shoulders. He was just shooting the Varvatos winter collection. Robb’s confident that Bran’s not going to die. Jon, “You Starks are hard to kill.” Okay fine maybe Jon doesn’t know everything. Now I know all the fan fiction wants Robb to fuck Jon or Jon to fuck Robb while Theon watches and it’s completely over the top, but it does really feel in this scene that Robb is doing everything he can not to grab Jon’s ass. I JUST REPORT THE FACTS.

Robb, adorably excited and happy for his friend, “Next time I see you, you’ll be all in black!” Jon, “It was always my color, remember two years ago when I wore that Fall Out Boy T-shirt like, everyday.” Robb, “I do, it looked good on you…” Goddamnit, the fan fiction really writes itself. They hug and it’s just a big mess of reddish/black curls and it just seems like one of them is going to turn his head ever so slightly…

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I NEED TO STOP WRITING ABOUT THIS SCENE.

On the Road!

The men going to the Night Watch and the caravan going to King’s Landing part ways on the Kings’s Road. Jon and Ned say their goodbyes. Ned makes a point to tell him that even if Jon doesn’t have the Stark name he does have Stark blood. What an ambigious, mysterious comment Ned! Jon’s like, “So you know how you’ve never told me anything about my birth mother and your wife was a complete dick to me all the time and it completely destroyed my self esteem and ruined my perspective on life.”

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Jon, “So, you wanna like tell me now who she is? Or like anything about her? Hair color? Favorite food? Diseases she’s prone to?”
Ned, “Next time we see each other.”
Jon, “You sure? Cause we got time, we’re on horses, we can always catch up with the people we’re traveling with? It’s not like the train is leaving the station? No? You’re going? It’ll take what five minutes? Okay well, maybe send me an email about it? No? Text message? Just 140 characters. No? Has to be next time we talk in person? Ahhhhhh fuck.”

Kingsroad!

Robert is pissing against a tree while his armed gaurd stand and watch.

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Robert’s like, “God, I love the country, what say we get a little house me and you, Ned? There will be hunting in the summer, berry picking in the fall, it’d be a simple life but we’d be happy. What’d you say?”
Robert starts reminiscing about the time when they were sluts and they lol about it. (Anyone who makes Ned Stark laugh is okay in my book, no matter how many illegitimate children they have.)
Robert, “We grew up too fast.”
Ned skeptically, “Did you?”
Robert, “What about the girl with the big tits you boned?”
Ned, “That was you.”
Robert, “Come on, big tits? Liked to role play?”
Ned, “Nope, still you.” Robert slyly under the guise of swapping lecherous stories tries to get Ned to talk about Jon’s mother. Ned shuts him down.
Robert’s like, “You need to chill out, get a stress ball, admit it, if I wasn’t king you’d be beating the crap out of me.”
Ned, “The worst part about you being king is I can’t punch you whenever I want.”
Robert, “Girl, that ain’t even the half of it, got this letter last night that Targaryen chick is marrying a horse king. He wears a lot of eye make up, there were three deaths at the wedding, it was crazy.”
Ned, “Uhh do you want to know what to get her? Cause I am terrible at this. I always get people books. They never read them.”
Robert, “I was thinking something more along the lines of killing her.”
Ned, “You’re scared of a little girl? Pussy.”
Robert, “What about her army?”
Ned, “There’s a giant ocean between us.”
Robert’s like, “Remember what happened on 9/11? There’s a war coming Ned, I don’t know when, I don’t know who we’ll be fighting but it’s coming.” What an ominous and mysterious thing to say Robert!

Dothraki Wigwam Party!

Drogo fucks Daenerys from behind, she looks at her dragon eggs and goes to her happy place.

Night’s Watch!

Tyrion’s reading and Jon Snow’s sitting by the fire, Jon looks at the other new Night Watch recruits who are in handcuffs. Tyrion breaks it down for him, “Those are rapist, they’re given a choice castration or the wall. You don’t seem like you’re into it?” Jon looks at Benjen who is sitting there all, “Ugh I could go for a fucking cigarette right now.” Jon, “Why are you reading? I didn’t know you were so political.” Tyrion tries to explain to Jon that when you aren’t born physically beautiful you have to develop other attributes such as intelligence, humor or a personality.

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Tyrion’s like, “Of course you don’t. Also, there’s nothing worse than being an ugly royal person. My mind is what I have going for me and a mind needs books like a sword needs a wet stone.” He then points to Jon and is like, “What is going on with all this?” Jon, “Ask me nicely and I’ll tell you, dwarf.” This is the exact moment when Tyrion decides he likes Jon. So he tells Jon the truth about how the Night Watch is kinda a joke in the Seven Kingdoms and no one really takes them seriously. Then he passes Jon his bag of wine and is like, “Now would be the time to develop a drinking problem.”

Winterfell!

Maester Luwin comes in to check on Bran and that ugly thing that Catelyn is making. He’s like, “Uhh so I got like a million questions.”
Catelyn, “Find someone else, can’t you seem I’m busy?”
Luwin, “Riiiight, so about the appointments…”
Catelyn, “I don’t CARE about the APPOINTMENTS.”
Luwin, “So…how long….is this going to….go…”
Catelyn, “Until I say so!!”
Robb unnoticed had entered the room and in the doorway says forcefully, “I’ll make the appointments.” ROBB BE HOTTER I DARE YOU.

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Robb, “I’ll step up and be the man of the house since my mom has lost her damn mind.”
Luwin, “Works for me, handsome,” and then subtly makes a whirly notion with his fingers by his head while pointing at Catelyn and whispering “cuckkooo” and leaves.
Robb walks into the room and opens the window and is like, “We need to have a serious conversation about when the last time it was that you showered.”
Catelyn, “I have to take care of Bran!”
Robb, “Knitting that creepy twig doll doesn’t count as taking care of anyone. Also, what about your youngest son Rickon? He follows me around all day, hanging on to my leg. He’s totally salting my game.”
Catelyn, “Nice try Robb, but the only person who gives less of a fuck about Rickon than I do right now is George R. R. Martin. Now shut that window and get out of here.”
Robb sees a fire in one of Winterfell’s tower and is like, “I’m on it,” and rips off his shirt and somersaults out the door. Catelyn goes to the window and turns around and sees a stupid creepy looking dude standing there.

Everyone, “Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes.”
He says, “You weren’t supposed to be here. No one was supposed to be here.”
Catelyn, “Yeah well I lost my mind, didn’t you hear this is the only place I ever am now.”
Dude pulls out a knife and Catelyn and him fight. He goes to cut her throat and she straight up GRABS THE BLADE WITH HER BARE HANDS!!! I can’t even. Catelyn, that is stupid bad ass, you just won 1000 points. My hands hurt watching it. He throws her to the ground and goes towards Bran’s bed when Summer, Bran’s direwolf, comes CHARGING into the room JUMPS on top of him then RIPS HIS THROAT OUT WITH HIS TEETH. Summer jumps on Bran’s bed and lays down and is like, “So are we going to do the Electric Slide next or cut the cake?”

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Dothraki Party!

Khaleesi talks to her annoying handmaidens while they give her a mani pedi about dragons and whether or not any exist. One of them worked at a “pleasure house” and started boning dudes when she was 12. Khaleesi’s like, “Can you teach me how to give a blow job?” She’s like, “Duh. We’ll xtube some gay porn, you’ll get it.”

The Wall!

Jon Snow sees the Wall for the first time.

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CSI Winterfell!

Catelyn goes out to where Bran fell and finds the room Cersie and Jamie were boning in and finds a long blond hair. (Long blond hair, always giving away the Lannister’s dastardly plots.)

Catelyn gathers Robb, Theon, Rodric and Luwin in the Godswood and is like, “So, TWIST! I think Bran was thrown from the tower.”
Everyone, “Seems legit.”
Catelyn, “Why murder an innocent child? He probably saw something weird and I think the Lannisters are involved.”
Rodric, “This is a pretty sweet blade, someone probably gave it to the assassin.” UGH WHERE IS STABLER, this murder mystery is taking FOREVER.
Robb, “They came into my house, tried to murder my brother, if it’s war they want I will take off my shirt and fight them.”
Theon, “Yeah! Me too!”

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Catelyn, “First I’m going to ride to King’s Landing and tell Ned what happened.” Robb wants to go.
Catelyn, “No, there must always be a Stark in Winterfell and we both know Bran and Rickon don’t count.”
Rodric, “I’ll come to make sure you don’t get raped.”

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Robb, “What about Bran, and the not whole not showering thing and that crazy doll you were making, did you ever finish it?”
Catelyn, “That was just a phase Robb, I’ve moved on.”

Catelyn goes to Bran’s room to say goodbye and places the (apparently finished) creepy Blair Witch doll above Bran’s bed. It’s a dreamcatcher? Does Westoros have dreamcatchers?
Bran “Thanks, no I love it, but I just like don’t know if I’ll use it.”

Khaleesi!

Lesbo scene for the bros in the audience. Her handmaiden is like, “You gotten look your dude in the eyes, love comes in at the eyes, also cum.” Then she’s like, “You’re a queen now get on top and ride that mountain man.”
Khaleesi, “I don’t think this is the Dothraki way.”
Handmaid, “If he wanted the Dothraki way, why did he marry you?”
Khaleesi, “Hmmmm. Didn’t think about it like that way before but that is a super good point, I am totally going to mess his world UP.” Drogo comes in naked ready to bone and she’s gets on top of him. At first he’s like, “frowny face,” but then he’s like, “smiley face.”

Kingsroad!

Spoiler alert: Everything that happens next is TERRIBLE.

Sansa is walking her adorable direwolf Lady through the camp. Sansa’s terrfied of Joffrey’s personal soldier, the Hound, and the royal executioner, Ilyn Payne, who had his tongue cut out by the Mad King. Joffrey comes over and starts showing off for Sansa, throwing his princely weight around. He tells Sansa to go for a walk with him and she tells Lady to stay. Joffrey and Sansa are pretending to be adults on a date. Joffrey offers her a bag of wine and is like, “I have a fake I.D., I totally get wasted in my parents’ basement all the time, I mean it’s pretty cool.”

Meanwhile, Arya found a little ginger kid to play wooden swords with her so she can learn how to use needle, because Arya is a strong, proactive, independent woman.

Joffrey and Sansa come upon Arya and her red-headed pal. (All of what happens next is so bad: children, with their miscomprehension of how the world works can be so sad and terrible sometimes.) Arya sees Joffrey and Sansa and knows this isn’t good.
Arya, “What are you doing here? GO AWAY.”
Joffrey can’t handle people doing things that he’s not involved in so goes up to the red head to have a dick measuring contest. He pulls out his real sword to show up the red-head and is like, “You wanna play, let’s play.” Joffrey brought a gun to a knife fight.
The kid is like, “Uhhh yeah don’t want to play games like that with you lord/rich kid let’s just call it off.”
Joffrey, “I’m your prince not your lord,” and takes his sword and starts cutting the boy’s cheek. God, this kid is an insane little psychopath. Arya can’t take it anymore and grabs her wooden sword and whacks him over the back!! Girl’s got fucking balls. The red head runs away and Joffrey fucking loses it chasing Arya around till he has her pinned on the ground shouting, “I’ll gut you you little cunt!!” Nymeria hears him use that derogatory word for women to Arya and comes running up.

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Sansa’s freaking out and screaming, “Stop it! You’re ruining everything!!” (In Sansa’s defense she’s not being melodramatic, this will literally ruin everything in her life.) Joffrey’s on the ground crying and sobbing (remember when Tyrion slapped you?) Arya takes his sword and fucking flings it in the river then runs off with Nymeria. Sansa’s like, “My poor prince, it’s going to be so hard to be attracted to you now.” Joffrey’s super embarrassed and his pride was hurt so he has to be a total dick to everyone around him all the time cause that’s how he is.

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Arya is hiding from the king’s gaurd. She makes Nymeria run away because she knows Joffrey will kill the shit out of her. It’s horrible and terrible and she has to throw rocks and everyone’s heart is broken and there’s nothing sadder than a sad direwolf or a sad kid who loses their pet and everything starts feeling cold and I wonder if and when it will feel warm again.

Later that night!

Ned is in the woods fucking losing his shit over his lost daughter because Ned is the best dad in the world. His dudes are like, “Uhhh, she’s found and she’s with the king.” Ned’s fucking PISSED that the Lannister’s found her and didn’t take her to him. He straight up SHOVES people out of the way trying to get to the king.

Ned, “Why wasn’t she brought to me?”
Cersei, “What happened was your daughter and her wolf beat up my son, and now he’s bleeding, and I’m a mama bear, and I will literally eat every single person in this room because you made my son cry.”
Arya, “Nothing you just said is close to being rational or correct.”
Joffrey, “You’re lying and I’m telling the truth and weird sobbing noises.”
Arya, “FUCKING LIAR.”
Robert, “This is some he said, she said bullshit.”
Cersei, “Let’s ask Sansa. I am a terrible adult who puts children into incredibly difficult situations to get what I want. I should probably never be in a position of power because I will abuse the shit out of it.”
Sansa, “I don’t really remember what happened. I was drinking, there was a lot of noise, it all happened so fast, what day is it, don’t listen to me.”
This makes Arya FUCKING lose it and she straight up attacks Sansa in the middle of the hall.
Cersei, “That child behaves on the outside the way that I feel on the inside all the time.”
Robert, “Children fight, it’s better if they suffer embarrassment and take the consequences now, it will make them stronger as adults. Let’s all get some healthy perspective of this situation, calm down and move on.”
Cersei, “That’s literally impossible for me to do.”
Robert, “You let a girl disarm you Joffrey?”
Joffrey looks like his balls just shrunk three times, if they could get any smaller. (I wish Arya and Robert got to spend more time together, I think they’d really like each other.)
Robert, “Discipline your kids Ned, I’ll discipline mine. We’ll all have a drink later and laugh about this.”
Ned, “Sounds good.”
Cersei, “What of the direwolf?” Cersei is amazing in this scene because she is almost whispering. Her voice never rises and everything she is doing is so straight up motherfucking evil I can’t even. They tell Robert that Nymeria disappeared.
Robert, “Welp that settles it.”
Cersei (in the smallest whisper), “We have another wolf.”
Robert, “Motherfucker. Fine. As your will.”
Ned, “For SERIOUS?”
Robert, “Direwolf isn’t a pet, get her a kitten.”
Sansa realizes they’re talking about Lady and Arya and Sansa LOSE IT while Cersei and Joffrey’s expressions never change.

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Even if the Lannisters did nothing else for the rest of the series but anonymously donate to charities they would be infinitely hateable for this moment right here. Cersei, “Where is the beast?” Like shes asking where the fucking tea is. Sir Ilyn goes to do it and Ned’s like, “NO. I kill things. It’s the way I am.” Cersei assumes Ned is trying to find a way to keep the wolf alive because Cersei assumes everyone is like her. Arya is looking at Joffrey and already mentally preparing to kill him. Sansa is never coming back from this. Ned goes to kill the wolf. He passes the Hound with the butchers boy dead across the back of his saddle. THIS IS ALL SO AWFUL. Ned finds Lady and it’s horrible and terrible. When the knife goes in it cuts to Bran in his bed - his eyes open.

END OF EPISODE.

(Happy Endings: The dog that plays Lady was adopted by the girl who plays Sansa’s family, so it’s not all constant sadness.)


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