A Song of Ice and Lolz

"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "

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Recap Episode 3, Season 1 (Spoiler alert: This episode is awesome. Also, there are spoilers.)

Previously: Twig Dolls, Hangovers, Fires, Cruelty to Animals, Face Knifing, Slapping, Slim Jims, Outdoor Pissing, Teaching of New Sexual Positions, etc.

King’s Landing!

The Starks arrive in the capitol and are like, “It’s loud, there are too many people, everyone’s so rude, how many Starbucks does one city need, there are so many homeless people, it’s too expensive.” A nerdy squire comes running up to Ned all, “OMG, there’s a council meeting happening and you’re already late. Is that what you’re wearing? You sure you don’t wanna put on a blazer?”
Ned, “These are my fancy clothes.”
Squire, “Going for the whole rugged, been riding for a month thing, well sure it works on you. Let’s go.” (Also I’m not telling HBO how to live their life, but it does seem kinda possible that these are the only clothes Ned Stark owns.)

Throne Room!
They open the door to the main hall and Jaime is by himself reclining across the steps leading up to the Iron Throne. I’m going to do him the courtesy of assuming he was taking some self pics for his facebook profile because otherwise, what the hell you doing Jaime?
Ned starts having flashbacks. (During Robert’s Rebellion Jaime was in the Mad King’s secret service; when the rebellion was close to succeeding, Jaime had a “fuck this job” moment and murdered the king. After this happened Ned got to King’s Landing before Robert did and when he walked into the Red Keep, Jaime was chilling on the Iron Throne drinking a beer all: 
And that pissed Ned off because the throne belonged to his boyfriend Robert. Even though Jaime totally gave it up to Robert, Ned didn’t like the implication.)
Jaime sarcastically, “Thank god you’re here Stark, we’re in need of your intense brand of northerness.” (I know Jaime’s fucking around but the Red Keep could really use some northern flavor.)
Ned, “Protecting the throne I see.” (Ned’s that annoying person in your office who bitches about you being on gchat when you should be working.)
Jaime, “That thing? Yeah, lots of people sit on it. Speaking of butts and specifically buttholes remember when Robert asked you to come to King’s Landing to wash his butt for him and you said yes?”
Ned, “Ugh, banter is so not my forte. I’m not great with sarcasm, we don’t have a lot of Jews in the north. Your face is very handsome what with no bruises…or something….”
Jaime, “Yeah people keep trying to land one on me but they haven’t cause I’m that good.’
Ned, “Or you just choose opponents…opponents….with short arms! Ha! Pussy.”
Jaime Lannister will tolerate a variety of shenanigans but he will not tolerate being called a pussy.
Jaime, “This must be so weird for you, I was totally standing right here when the Mad King murdered your uncle and dad with fire.” (The Mad King is Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator/I’m Still Here:
Jaime, “I’m going to tell you some more unnecessary details about your father’s gruesome death.”
Ned, “Remember how you did nothing to help him?”
Jamie, “In my defense, five hundred men did nothing to help him, because aside from the wonderful, happy place inside your head where everyone feels a deep-seated need to do what’s right, people are by and large pretty shitty.” (He’s also making an argument for democracy and the power of freedom of thought but I don’t think that’s his point.) “Annyyhooo, later when I killed the king I thought of your dad and I felt like I was doing a good thing.” (Like Cersei and her story about Robert’s dead baby, he’s telling the truth here, he’s just doing it for fucked up reasons. I think the Lannisters need friends who aren’t each other.) “Isn’t it weird how I totally avenged your father instead of you?”
Ned, “Oh fuck you pretty boy. You didn’t do it for my dad, you still totally blow for literally stabbing the king in the back.”
Jamie, “If I stabbed him in the belly would you admire me more?”
Ned, “1. I don’t admire you. 2. I’m over this. Stark out!” And starks off.

And now we meet:
Starting Line Up:
Petyr Baelish
Nickname: Littlefinger
Position: Master of the Coin
Before King’s Landings: Grew up poor, Huge chip on his soldier, Grew up with Catelyn and told everyone he hit that, Is still totally obsessed with her
Now: Manipulative dick, Owns a lot of brothels
Varys (Just one name, like Beyonce (“Why Varys is the Beyonce of the Seven Kingdoms” is going to be the title of a class I’ll teach at the Learning Annex.))
Nickname: The Spider
Position: Guy Who Knows Shit
Before King’s Landing: Hung out with a theater troupe until his balls got cut off
Now: Eunuch, You need anything, he knows a guy
Renly Barathon
Nickname: Handsome
Position: Robert’s Brother
Before King’s Landing: After Robert’s Rebellion, Robert gave him a better castle than their middle brother because Robert (and everyone else) thinks Renly is tits
Now: Loved by pretty much everyone, Knows where all the best parties are

Grand Maester Pycelle: 
Nickname: Old dude
Position: Professor/Doctor
Before Kings Landing: Studying
Now: Does what Cersei tells him
And the newest draft pick:
Ned Stark
Nickname: The Nedster
Position: King’s Hand
Before King’s Landing: Lolling in Winterfell with his legitimate children and bastard son
Now: Unshowered, Kinda grumpy
(You’ve got to appreciate the realism in depicting the closest thing Westoros has to a congress as a bunch of old white, self-involved, castrated, gay men.)  Ned comes into the meeting and greets his new coworkers.
Varys, “Let me share with you information that I know about you that you haven’t told me. We all hope Joffrey recovers from how your daughter’s direwolf bit him.”
Ned, “But you didn’t hope the same for the ginger kid.”
Ned’s jazzed to see his best friend’s younger bro and he and Renly hug and it’s lovely. (I wish there could have been a really touching coming out scene with Renly and Ned. Ned would have been all, “Well I don’t get it, but if that’s what makes you happy…”)
Petyr, “Over here! I’m over here! Recognize me!”
Petyr, “So Cat probably mentioned me all the time, you’re probably sick of hearing about me from Cat. Like every night before you go to bed you were probably like, ‘God CAT, shut up about Petyr, I get it he’s awesome.’”
Ned, “You’re going to be fun. Thought you knew my brother too?”
Petyr, “Oh yeah, totally did. He cut open my chest when I challenged him to a duel for your wife. Isn’t this super awkward?”
Ned, “Well next time you’ll pick an opponent with shorter arms. Ha!” (Still not great with the banter Ned, though I like the whole picking the opponent thing because Petyr would never fight anyone he was sure he couldn’t beat and Ned would never fight someone who couldn’t beat him. I wonder how these two different philosophies will work out for them??)
Petyr, “It didn’t have anything to do with Brandon I’m talking about Cat, Jesus how many times do I have to say her name before you notice.”
Ned, “It’s amazing how much I already hate this dude.”
Grand Maester Pycelle, “Sup”
Ned, “Sup”
Pycelle, “Got a fancy pin for you.”
Ned, “Thanks. So when does Robert get here?”
Renly, “Winter may be coming but I’m sorry the same can’t be said for my brother.” (In Westoros, like today, if a man is handsome and witty he must be gay.)
Ned, “That’s messed up he’s not coming.”
Varys, “Yeah, Robert’s kinda an absentee boss. But it’s cool, we’re totally handling it. We have this system, what we do is instead of using Microsoft Outlook we just write down things on post it notes and give them to Grand Maester Pycelle and then he…well normally he forgets where he puts them but still it’s a system! It totally works!” 
Renly, “So, Robert wants to throw a gala/tournament in your honor Ned.”
Ned, “Over-the-top pomp and circumstance? My favorite things.” (Sarcasm!)
Pycelle, “Yo, how we paying for this?”
Petyr, “I’ll ask the Lannisters for more cash.”
Ned, “More?”
Petyr breaks it to Ned that the Kingdom is milllions of dollars in debt, most of it to the Lannisters. This must be what it feels like when you become president and you find out what’s really going on with Saudi Arabia.
Ned, “This is fucked up.”
Varys, “No! See it’s all part of the system! First we get the money from the Lannisters, then we put down how much money we owe them on a post it note, then we give it to Pycelle and then he….Ohhh, I see.”
Ned, “How has no one hit the breaks?”
Everyone, “Uhh, have you met Robert?”
Ned, “But Jon Arryn would have stopped him.”
Everyone, “Again, you seem incredibly confused about who Robert is.”
Ned, “Well all these shenanigans end today, we’re all going on a diet!”
Everyone, “Maybe if we got Robert and brought him in here…”
Ned, “Sorry, I’m tired and cranky.” 
Varys, “Oh no, yeah you totally deserve a break, can I get you anything? Water? Tea? Cold compress?”

Joffrey’s Room! (Which, surprisingly, does not have skulls or hair dolls or anything else you’d think a satanic little shit like him would have.)
Cersei’s dressing his “wound” which looks like he scratched himself too hard while he cries like the little bitch he is.
Joffrey, “Gross.”
Cersei, “It’s good, you should have scars. You heroically fought off a direwolf.”
Joffrey, “Lady, what are you talking about? The wolf bit me and I cried like the little bitch that I am and the Stark girls saw.”
Cersei, “That’s not what happened. I will rewrite all of written history for you if I have to because I have no idea how to raise children.”
Joffrey, “Do I really have to be engaged to Sansa? Every time I look at her I have to be reminded of how pathetic I am and you know how much I hate that.”
Cersei, “I do, but you have to marry her because your father got all emotional in that crypt. Look, she’s pretty and if you don’t like her you can run around sleeping with whoever you want and just see her on special occasions because for some reason I feel the need to force you into the exact same marriage that I have even though I hate it. I would probably benefit from some therapy. But you, you are my prettiest princess and you can make the world be whatever you want it to be.” (Cersei doesn’t realize that this is shit you can only say to poor kids, when you tell kids who have only known privilege that they are going to spend the rest of their lives doing whatever they want without consequences they become terrible, coked-up, lacrosse players.)
Cersei, “Go buy Sansa a Prada handbag will you? Bitches be complaining if you don’t.”
Joffrey, “The northerners are fucked up. They think they’re better than me just because Arya can beat me up!”
Cersei, “This is a teachable moment! Why don’t you tell me what you would do if you were king?”
Joffrey, “I’d fucking raise taxes on the North and then you know get rid of their armies and then I’d invade and take Winterfell and recast Ned Stark as Uncle Kevan.” 
Cersei, “God, you are terrible at this. First, the North is gross and no one wants it. Second, you appear to have zero impulse control, which is mostly my fault but not great when it comes to heading a government. A good king knows when to save his strength and when to destroy his enemies.”
Joffrey, “You totally just called the Starks enemies.”
Cersie, “Anyone who isn’t us is an enemy….also not worth fucking.”

Stark Wing!
Arya isn’t eating she’s just stabbing a knife into the table and is like, “I’m pretending it’s the prince’s head. He’s 1. a liar 2. a coward and 3. he killed my friend.” That is a legit list of reasons to want to stab someone in the head.
Sansa, “You’re an idiot.”
Arya, “And you’re a liar if you told the truth Mycah would still be alive!” Damn girl that is some heavy shade you are throwing.
(Number of people Sansa Stark is currently personally responsible for the death of: 1)
Ned, “What’s going on?”
Septa, “Arya would rather act like a beast than a lady.”
Arya, “She’s not wrong.”
Ned, “Go to your room.”
Then Ned gives Sansa a doll to try to make her feel better about the whole “stabbing your direwolf” thing and this might be the scene that breaks my heart the most in the entire series. Out of touch, well intentioned dads trying to figure out how to have a relationship with their teenage daughters squeezes my heart. Ned’s like, “I asked around and that doll is pretty sweet.” Ned, I can’t handle anything you’re doing right now. Sansa looks at it and is like, “My life is complete shit, I got that boy killed, my fiance hates me, I’m 15 in this weird place, none of my friends are here, and I’m trying to be as adult as I can be and you’re giving me fucking dolls? The fuck am I going to do with this?” Ned feels so bad and I can’t dwell on it because it makes my heart hurt.

Arya’s Room! 

Arya’s playing with needle when Ned knocks. She opens the doors and he adorably asks if he can come in. (See, Arya he gets.)
Ned, “Who gave this to you?”
Ned, “Little ladies shouldn’t play with swords.”
Arya, “I’m not fucking playing and I don’t prescribe to the narrow minded definition of what a feminine life should be.”
Ned, “You know how to use it?”
Arya, “Stick him with the pointy end.”
Ned laughs. Ughh I love them. She tells him how she asked Mycah to practice with her and it’s her fault he’s dead. Ned’s like, “No! No! It’s not! How do I begin to explain the ways in which you were failed by a bunch of shitty adults without destroying your view of the world?” Then they talk about what’s going on with her and Sansa and he’s like, “Look Sansa did lie but she was put in a super shitty position, she had to call the king’s son a liar.” 
Arya, “You mean she was asked to do the exact same thing that I was and she didn’t? Weird.”
Ned, “But see, she’s engaged to that dude so she has to take his side even when he’s being a terrible little shit.”
Arya, “So you’re just going to let her marry a terrible little shit?”
Ned, “Good point.”
They “Winter is Coming” for a while and he’s like, “There’s three of us and a bunch of fucking blond weirdos out there so we gotta stick together. We can’t be squabbling, I don’t want to scare you, but I’m not gonna lie this place is bananas we’re gonna need all hands on deck to keep it together.”
She’s like, “Okay dad.”
Ned, “My heart is silently breaking by how adult you’re being and how much I’m asking you to do at a young age so you can keep your sword. Just don’t stab Sansa.”

A crow lands in Bran’s window and is like,
Old Nan, “Don’t listen to it, crows are all liars.” Old Nan is the shit. If I ever wind up thrown from a window for witnessing incest and trapped paralyzed under a bunch of comfy comforters I hope I have Old Nan to tell me stories. 
Bran, “Can we play “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” again?”
Old Nan, “Oh, my sweet summer child, what do you know about fear?” And then she starts telling this super scary story about winter coming and white walkers and things keep getting crazier and crazier and Kanye and Jay join in and Bran’s like, “The suspense is terrible…I hope it lasts…” Right when the story is reaching its fever pitch, Robb bursts into the room! Bran you have the best paralyzation ever. (Also you can totally see a guard standing outside the door that they put there ever since the assassination attempt. Nice attention to detail HBO!) 
Robb, “What kinda crazy shit you talking Nan? Give us a minute so we can rap?”
Bran, “Obviously.”
Robb, “One time she told me the sky is blue because we live inside of a blue eyed giant named Macomber.” If there was a show that was 60 minutes of Richard Madden saying the word “Macomber” I would watch at least the first season. Robb’s like, “So remember how you were totally a sick climber? Isn’t it possible you didn’t fall and some nefarious blond strangers pushed you?”
Bran, “I don’t know, don’t care. I’ve become super petulant and bitchy ever since my fall. Can I ever walk again?” 
Robb, “My strong jaw says no,” If I ever have to find out I’m paralyzed for life I hope it’s Richard Madden who tells me. (It’d be great if he found that out, it’d be like that girl who wrote a song about getting a drink with Jason Segel so he took her to an awards show except waaaaay darker.)
Bran, “Kill me now, literally.”

King’s Landing!
Rodric and Catelyn roll into the capitol. Rodric, “Umm this isn’t entirely my place, but… is this….idea….really….the best?” (How long did Rodric have to weigh whether or not to ask that question?)
Guards, “Hey! Is that Catelyn Stark?”
Catelyn, “D’oh!” Littlefinger knew they were coming and has them brought to one of the brothels he owns so they can chat. Catelyn is insanely pissed about being brought to a whore house because after being a wet blanket her second favorite activity is overreacting to misunderstandings.  She comes roaring into the room, throwing things, all, ”What the fuck? You bring me to a brothel? You think I’m some back-alley-Sally!” (It’s just a meeting place Catelyn, it’s not like he expects you to work there.) Petyr immediately realizes he has super important company and totally didn’t clean or put away his porn. He’s like, “Everybody out and cancel the sitter!”
Catelyn, “Still pissed.”
Petyr, “I’m sorry I thought you were trying to be incognito. Buying glasses with a moustache attached to them and walking around the streets in broad daylight really wasn’t working for you so I thought I’d bring you here where people would not expect to find you. Do I really have to spend this long explaining subterfuge to you? Also I’ve been obsessing over seeing you again for like ever can you stop ruining this for me?”
Catelyn, “No. How’d you know I was coming?”
Petyr, “Varys told me.”
Varys, “Heyyyy, sorry, just hiding behind this curtain, weird you didn’t see me when you came in. Now I’m going to tell you a couple things that you know and haven’t told me. I’m like a reverse fortune teller! Now let’s see that knife that tried to kill Bran. Ohh, it’s nice.”
Catelyn, “Who’s is it?”
Varys, “I’m kinda pissed I don’t know.”
Petyr “I do! Pick me! I’m here! It’s mine! I lost it to Tyrion when he bet against Jaime in a jousting tournament.”
Varys’ face:
Catelyn, “Had I spent any time with him I’d know that Jaime is the only person that Tyrion loves in the whole world and he would never bet against him and this story is fishy as shit but I’m going to assume you’re telling the truth because whatever fuck that dwarf.”

The Wall!!
Jon Snow is beating the shit out of his comrades in the training yard. He takes every single one of them down. It’s not not hot.
The drill sergeant is like, “Fuck all you, I hate you.” He mockingly starts calling Jon, “Lord Snow.” Jon’s like, “Fuck that’s good, that’s gonna stick.” Tyrion and Commander Mormont (Jorah’s dad) talk about the Night’s Watch and the text they just got from Winterfell about Bran.

King’s Landing!
Pycelle, “Hey Ned! I found this…in my pile of post it notes…it’s for you…Winterfell…Bran…some shit…I don’t know…”
Petyr comes traipsing in, “Remember when I knew where your wife was and you didn’t?”
Ned, “Ugh, this guy.”
Petyr takes Ned to the brothel. Ned realizes where he’s going, and his natural response is to pick Petyr up by the neck and throw him against a wall and choke the life out of him. (Again Ned, it’s just a meeting place, he’s not expecting you to work there.) Catelyn’s like, “Yoohoo! Up here!”
Petyr, “Ah the Starks, quick tempers, slow minds.”

The Wall!
Jon’s putting things away when his comrades come in all, “Yo, Lord Snow you broke my nose, why you gotta be such a dick?” Jon considers him for a moment then decides, fuck this noise and says, “You look better.” They jump on top of him for some locker room bullying. 
They threaten to kill him and dump his body over the Wall. It’s better than teabagging? Tyrion comes in and interrupts them.
Grenn, “Go away half-man.”
Tyrion, “There’s a witness now you all need to cool your tits.”
Jon, “They hate me because I’m better than them!”
Tyrion, “Wow, do I really have to explain what privilege means? Alright, look, it’s not okay to say you “beat” someone in a race when you got a ten minute head start ya dig? Those dude’s over there have had some effed up lives. It’s not like they just choose to suck today, they’ve literally never held a sword before. They didn’t have handsome brothers with piercing blue eyes who just wanted to do nothing all day but spar out in the yard with you so you could collapse exhausted into bed together… WHATEVER YOU GET THE POINT.”
(Tyrion’s totally doing Jon a solid, and Jon is good hearted and awesome and totally going to get the lesson he’s trying to teach him.)
Tyrion, “BTW Bran woke up.”

King’s Landing!
Petyr, “So are you gonna call Tyrion out, cause that’s a little thing we like to call treason.” (I’m not a Westoros constitutional law scholar but is it treason to accuse the queen’s younger brother of trying to kill your kid? Cause it seems like that should be allowed.)
Catelyn, “We have the murder weapon!”
Petyr, “Which Tyrion will say someone stole for him. Duh. Even if we had a jury system and the ability to fingerprint and perform DNA testing we would still need more corroborating evidence.”
Catelyn, “Trust Littlefinger, he’s like my little sister, I used to dress him up when we were younger, it would be completely impossible for me to view him as a sexual being.”
Petyr, “I’ll try and keep you alive for her sake, but then I could never deny Cat anything… I’m talking about fucking her. You really shouldn’t trust me. Really? Neither of you are getting this? Jesus, this almost isn’t even fun.”
Catelyn, “You’re a true friend.”
Petyr, “Seriously?”
Catelyn, “And I mean that in the most platonic way possible.”
Petyr, “Fuck Robyn, where’s my Jagged Little Pill CD?”

Cersei’s bedroom!
Jaime comes into Cersei’s room where she is completely losing it over Bran waking up.
Cersei, “What the fuck is wrong with you?!”
Jaime, “Damn girl, chill.”
Cersei, “The hell were you thinking pushing that boy out the window?”
Jaime, “I don’t know I was being spontaneous! You always said you loved that about me. What’d the boy say about us boning?”
Cersei, “Literally nothing.”
Jaime, “Then the fuck you freaking out about, we’re all good sweet thing.”
Cersei, “Well, what if he does remember and tells Ned?”
Jaime, “We’ll say he was lying, we’ll say he was dreaming, we’ll say whatever we like, I think we can outfox a ten year old.” 1. Are we so sure about that? 2. Where was this calm rational thought process before you threw a kid out a 12 story window?
Cersie, “What if he tells my husband? Remember that guy?”
Jaime, “I’ll fucking go to war with him. They can write a pop song about us, they’ll call it (Jaime gets adorably pleased with himself for coming up with this) ”The War for Cersei’s Cunt.””
Cersei, “SLAP.”
Jaime, “Lolz.”
She goes to backhand him and he grabs her and spins her around.
Cersei, “Let me go.”
Jaime whispering in her ear, “Never.”
Cersei, “I probably shouldn’t find that hot right?”
Jaime, “The boy won’t talk and if he does, I’ll kill him, I’ll kill Ned Stark, the king, everyone until you are and I are the only people left in this world.” (Guys, sometimes your relationship is almost too healthy.)

Parking Lot!
Catelyn and Ned say good bye.
Catelyn, “I wanna see the girls.”
Ned, “It’s too dangerous.”
Catelyn, “No, it’s okay, I got these glasses, they have a moustache on them, it’s a disguise, it was totally working earlier!” (Rodric’s shaking his head, “No,” in the background.)
Catelyn, “What’s our game plan again?”
Ned, “I’m going to look for proof that the Lannister’s are dangerous assholes here in King’s Landing, if I find anything I’ll take it to Robert. It should be fine as long as you don’t do anything completely insane on your way home.”
Catelyn, “Oh, I’m the crazy one? Remember when you tried to kill Littlefinger?”
Ned, “Yeah, he’s still totally obsessed with my hot wife.”
Catelyn, “Who me?”
(This is as close to playful flirting as the Starks get. Just be glad they didn’t bring winter into it.)
She leaves and Ned’s face is:

Robert’s Room!
We find out that when Robert says he’s too “busy” to go to council meetings what he’s really doing is getting day drunk in his bedroom reminiscing about the past. He’s totally Grey Gardening. He’s talking to the head of his secret service detail, Sir Barristan Selmy, they’re sharing stories about the first person they fucked killed. 
Robert, “I killed some Tarly boy with this totally sick hammer I carried around back in the day. I could bench press 250, I had a 6 pack, I was the shit. I broke every rib in his chest with my hammer when he came charging at me. It was disgusting. It’s weird though isn’t it? How random and fragile life is. If that kid had just gone right instead of left, like that movie with Gwyneth Paltrow Cersei likes to watch. Remember how everyone shits themselves when they die? Sorry, I’m rambling. Where’s my wine??”
Then we meet Lancel, a Lannister cousin who was sent to be Robert’s squire. He’s 90 lbs, has a fabulous hair cut and is not the brightest bulb in the box. His job is to follow Robert around and take his abuse. It’s like the Devil Wears Prada but for medieval men.
Robert, “Lancel, that has to be the worst name I’ve ever heard. Who named you, some half-wit with a stutter?” Robert is so channeling Meryl right now.
Lancel, “I don’t know, probably my parents? Do you want me to answer that? The wine’s empty.”
Robert, “What’d you mean empty?”
Lancel, “There isn’t…any….left…?”
Robert, “Oh really is that what empty means? You can define words! Good for you!”
Lancel, “I walked into that one.”
Robert, “Go get more and get your cousin, never mind you’re useless I’ll do it myself, KINGSLAYER!”(I know Jaime hates that nickname and it’s supposed to be a put down but it is fun to say) “Jesus Christ all day long I’m surrounded by blond Lannisters and their smug, satisfied faces. The only Baratheons in King’s Landing are me and Renly and he’s gayer than Lancel. Must be so embarrassing for you Jaime, having to stand outside my door all the time while I take a shit. I’m talking about shitting a lot today… Anyway, the great Jaime Lannister must hate being a glorified watch dog, what with your rich dad, rippling muscles, long blond hair…”
Robert, “Who was your first kill?” 
Jaime, “This outlaw.”
Barristan, “I was there, you were sixteen and a total badass.”
Jaime and Barristan geek out about each other’s fighting skills for a while.
Robert, “ANYWAY, what were his last words?”
Jaime “I cut his head off so there were none.”
Robert, “What were the Mad King’s last words, let me guess, were they, “Jaime Lannister you suck?””
Jaime, “He said the same thing he’d been saying for hours… “burn them all.”“
Robert, “Huh. Interesting.”


Daenerys, “So where do the Dothraki buy their slaves?”
Jorah, “They aren’t uptight about money or shopping, they get them as presents.”
Daenerys, “That’s a strange gift.”
Jorah, “When the horde gets close to a town you can either give them slaves and things or you can fight them. But then sometimes Drogo’s like, “Whatever fuck it let’s kill everyone anyway.” There aren’t really clearly defined rules.”
Daenerys sees them whipping some dude and is like, “I need some me time, tell everyone to stop.”
Jorah, “There’s like hundreds of us, you want everyone to stop?”
Daenerys, “Did I stutter?”
Jorah, “You’re talking like a queen.”
Daenerys, “Not a queen, a khaleesi, amiright?” And they high five. Jorah tells everyone to hold up a minute.
Daenerys wanders through the woods enjoying her new found power and the responsibility that comes with it, when Viserys comes barging in on his horse, freaking out that she told him what to do, “You don’t command me! I am a king in my head! And I don’t take orders from horse lords or their sluts.”
Daenerys, “OH, fuck no. 1. I didn’t want to marry the horse lord, you sold me to him 2. To drive the point home you told me that you would let his horses rape me. 3. The night of my wedding you told me, “I better make him happy.” 4. When I have finally managed to overcome the trauma of all that and built up my self confidence to a point where I’m functioning pretty well for a human being you call me a SLUT. Oh, heeeeeeeeelll no.” This is the exact point where Daenerys decides, “Fuck this dude.” Viserys pulls out his knife and is ready to get violent when her handmaiden Irri, Drogo’s bff Rakharo and Jorah (of course) come riding up and and Rakharo lassos Viserys around the neck.
Rakharo  & Irri, “How do you want us to kill him?”
Daenerys, “What? No. He’s still my brother, you can’t just kill him.”
Rakharo & Irri, “Sure we can.”
Daenerys, “He’s the only living relative I have, it’s this whole thing.”
Rakharo & Irri, “Alright, so we’ll just cut his ear off.”
Daenerys, “Noooo, let’s not do that either, let’s just all go our separate ways.”
Rakharo & Irri, “That’s weird but whatever it’s your show.”
Jorah, “So as I was saying earlier, Daenerys, there’s this great wine country in the Shadow Lands beyond Asshai…”
Rakharo, “Ah ah, you walk now. Loser.” And steals his horse.

The Wall!
There’s five solid minutes of Jon strutting around the Wall like it’s a motherfucking catwalk. He gets to the top of the Wall and Benjen’s there adorably nerdy like, “It’s pretty cool, right?”
Benjen, “I’m leaving in the morning, gonna go hunt some zombies, I don’t know if anyone told you but I’m a pretty big deal around here.”
Jon, “Sweet I’ll pack my things!”
Benjen, “I didn’t say “we”….”
Jon, “But I’m better than everyone!! I still haven’t figured out what Tyrion was trying to teach me about privilege!”
Benjen, “You’ve been here literally day. You don’t get to jump in line just cause your dad’s rich, we’ll talk when I get back.”
Jon, “Why do people keep saying that to me?”

The Wall Cafeteria!
Yoren’s telling Tyrion a lolz story about eating a bear’s nutsack. Oh the wacky hijinks of the Wall!
Yoren, “What’s the weirdest thing you’ve eaten?”
Tyrion,  ”Vagina, amiright?” And they high five.
Benjen comes in and is like, “I heard laughing, are you guys talking about me? You better not be laughing at me. If you’re not laughing at me then you must be laughing at the Night’s Watch! I bet you think we’re just an army of jesters in black.”
Tyrion, “1. Good morning to you too 2. The Night’s Watch isn’t an army and 3. Only Yoren here is funny, so no, I don’t think any of those things.” 
Benjen, “I’m going to be unnecessarily aggressive and explain how an army works to you. All these men are going to live shitty dangerous lives so you can sit around eating double stuff Oreos and McDonalds and playing with your Playstations and watching “Dancing with the Stars.””
Tyrion, “Hold up, did you just call me fat?”
Yoren, “I’m loving this little dude!”
Tyrion, “I don’t know what crawled up your ass. I get what an army is and I like the Night’s Watch, I think you are totally solid.”
Yoren, “Ned told me once there’s nothing anyone says before the word “but” that counts.”
Tyrion, “You Starks are almost too much fun. As I was saying you guys rock BUT I don’t believe rodents of unusual size exist and I think the wildlings are just people like you and me they just happen to live on the wrong side of the wall.”
Benjen, “You’re right wildlings are just people but I kill them anyway. My job is TOTALLY DANGEROUS. Have fun in the capitol Yoren. I’m out.”
Tyrion, “I think he’s starting to like me.”
Yoren, “Lolz, this guy! Where does he come up with this stuff?”
Tyrion, “Yoren, I realize we just met and this might be moving too fast but you seem like someone I could travel with without getting annoyed. What’d you say we go south together?”

Irri is braiding Daenerys’ hair and teaching her how to speak Dothraki and grabs her tit and is like, “Bitch, you pregnant.” Jorah and Rakharo are sitting by a fire bonding over dude stuff like weapons and daddy issues. Irri comes bursting in.
Irri, “Khaleesi wants pickles and sardines.”
Rakharo, “She doesn’t get to just order off the menu like that.”
Irri, “Well cook her dog then.”
Jorah, “Hang on, who’s eating dog?”
Irri, “Daenerys is pregnant with a baby from Drogo’s super sperm.”
Jorah, “I’ll have the chef make something special and now I have to go on a mysterious mission.”
Rakharo, “What about our bonding?”
Jorah, “Can’t talk! I have to leave immediately! It has nothing to do with the information I just learned! BRB.”

The Wall! 
You see Jon out in the yard fighting with his comrades. At first you’re like “Oh no!” But then they’re like:
And you’re like “Oh yay! They’re pals!” Jon’s tutoring them on how to fight and they’re totally loving him. Tyrion and Jon see each other and smile and sunshine comes out and birds start chirping and everything’s wonderful for one glorious second. Then Tyrion goes inside to talk to Commander Mormont and old Maester Aemon.
Aemon, “Starks are right, winter is coming.”
Tyrion, “Well, even a stopped clock is right two times a day.”
Mormont, “We keep catching these wildlings who are fleeing South, talk of zombies.”
Tyrion, “And all the girls in King’s Landing think if you say “Bloody Mary” into a mirror three times a ghost comes out, but we don’t base policy on it.”
Aemon, “The Night’s Watch is the only thing saving the kingdoms and it’s a bunch of rapists and 17 year old boys.”
Mormont, “Could you tell your sister to tell the king to help a brother out?”
Tyrion, “I’ll give you a solid maybe.”

Daenerys, “So obviously I’ll love it as long as it has ten fingers and ten toes, and it would be great if I had a girl and raised her to be a total bad ass, but we are definitely going to have a boy.”

The Wall!
Tyrion’s making his dreams come true and pissing off the Wall while Jon lols. Jon, “I know we just met but I’m gonna miss you. You gave me some really solid advice. If I got to spend more time with you I’d have a Stark sense of honor and duty mixed with Lannister realism and cunning and I’d be fucking unstoppable.”
Tyrion, “I’m honestly super touched you just said you missed me, people are usually such assholes to me but I gotta get out of here, it’s cold as tits.”
Jon, “Gonna stop at Winterfell?”
Tyrion, “I see no way that could go badly.”
Jon, “Tell Bran I said, “hi.” He’s never gonna walk again.”
Tyrion, “Speaking from personal experience everything in life is easier to deal with if you got that money, so he’ll be alright.” 

Stark Wing!
Arya comes walking up and this weird dude is like, “You’re late boy!”
Arya, “Umm who are you?”
Syrio, “I’m a crazy foreign badass who’s gonna teach you how to sword fight like a pro but let’s just call me your dancing instructor.” And holds out two swords.
Arya, “Ohhh shiiiit. Badassery under the guise of doing expected gender specific behavior? This is gonna be awwwwwesome.” (See, Arya Ned gets.)
Syrio tosses the wooden sword at her and she’s like, “Wha?”
Syrio, “Tomorrow you’ll catch it.”
Arya, “It’s too heavy.”
Syrio, “Rule number 1. No complaining.”
Arya, “What if I drop it?”
Syrio, “Rule number 2. No excuses, play like a champion. I’mma teach you how to be a super sick fighter along with various life skills. And not your shitty Westoros fighting either, the graceful fighting of my country. Now hit me.” Arya goes all out but he keeps blocking all the blows. Arya’s having so much fun.
Ned comes over and starts watching them, at first hes like, “Aww look at my girl go.” But then the sound effects of the wooden swords become steel and he’s like, “I’m teaching my precious baby girl how to kill, my other daughter is engaged to a psychopathic shit, my bastard son is on the wall hanging out with a bunch of criminals and rapists, my other son was almost killed by my best friend/boss’ wife’s family and is now paralyzed for life, Robb is probably hanging out with that fucking Theon kid.”
"I don’t even know where Rickon is, my coworker is grossly in love with my wife, my best friend/boss is married to a crazy bitch and kinda going off the rails, I killed my daughter’s pet yesterday, the kingdom I’m supposed to be helping run has some out of control debt, and as if that’s not enough winter is most likely coming." His face is OMINOUS.