A Song of Ice and Lolz

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Recap Episode 4, Season 1

Previously: Sword Fighting, Lassos, Shitty Disguises, Lancel, Chatty Crows, Grey Gardening, Drogo’s Super Sperm, etc.

Winterfell!
Bran is walking around with his bow and arrow and you’re like, “Wow, what a speedy resolution to that plot line!” But then you realize no one’s around and he’s chasing a rather slow crow and you’re like, “It’s possible this could be a dream and if so have more interesting dreams Bran. You’re paralyzed in a world that hasn’t invented the internet, this is the most exciting thing that’s going to happen to you all day, go nuts!” But no, he’s just chasing this gross crow and then it turns around and it has 3 eyes and you’re like, “That’s slightly more interesting but still if we’re going to be watching your dreams at least give them some narrative flavor.” He wakes up in his room and Old Nan is there knitting.
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Old Nan asks about his dreaming. Don’t even try Nan, it’s not worth it. Then Theon bursts into the room. I was kidding earlier Bran, your paralyzation is terrible!
Summer is instantly pissed at the sight of Theon. (Rip out his throat!) Theon, “There are visitors so you gotta get up. Well, not get up cause you can’t get up, but you gotta get downstairs somehow.”
Bran, “I don’t want nobody carrying me. Not now. Not ever, ya here!”
Theon, “Really? If I was couped up all day with only this old bat for company I’d go mad.” You did NOT just insult Old Nan, Theon. You did NOT JUST.
Bran, “Not interested.”
Theon, “Well you don’t have a choice, Robb’s waiting.” (If that’s not enough of a reason to get out of bed I don’t know what is.)
Bran, “Make me Greyjoy.”
Theon, “Look girl, I feel you. We all have big warm comfy beds we’d rather be laying in right now. But Robb told me to come get you and I have to do what Robb says because he’s prettier than I am, and you have to do what I say which isn’t true at all but I will take whatever meager amounts of power I can find and then abuse them because being raised as a ward in Winterfell has given me an insane Napoleon complex.”
Bran, “I thought the worst thing about being paralyzed was giving up on my all my hopes and dreams and the impact it would have on my dating life, but I was wrong, not being able to walk away from this conversation is the worst thing.”
Then Theon calls in Hodor to carry Bran downstairs.

Hodor
Likes: Naked swimming, Hodor, Carrying small children
Dislikes: Grover Norquist’s strangled hold on tax reform, Hodor
Hodor picks Bran up by the scruff of his neck and jogs downstairs. 

Great Hall!
Robb, having assumed his father’s duties, is greeting Tyrion and Yoren. Robb has decided that the number one priority of the Lord of Winterfell is to look stunning.

Robb, “Everyone who is welcome to stay in Winterfell step forward, not so fast Tyrion.”
Tyrion, “The fuck? I was here a very short period of time ago. I got wasted in the stables on my bag wine? Ate a lot of bacon? Slapped my nephew around? No? Not happening this time? What’s going on homeboy?”
Robb says forcefully:
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Then Robb collapses under the weight of every bra and panty of every woman in Westoros who simultaneously ripped them off and threw them at him. Everyone waits around uncomfortably for him to be dug out. It’s awkward, but it can’t be helped.
Tyrion, “So did I step in dog shit or something? Why is everyone hating?”
Before Robb can explain why he’s being a dick, Hodor comes in carrying Bran like a sack of potatoes.
Tyrion’s face:
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Tyrion, “Look, I’m not going to pretend to be casual about this, did a tall, blond, strikingly handsome man in expertly tailored leather with a wicked sense of humor have anything to do with your fall?”
Luwin, “Boy doesn’t remember shit about what he was spying on before he fell.”
Tyrion and audience, “What an incredibly specific memory lapse.”
Robb, “What are you doing? Is this some “returning to the scene of the crime” thing cause I don’t get it.”
Tyrion, “Tell Hodor to bring it on down here for the real thing. Bran, how do you feel about riding horses?”
Bran, “Positively.”
Luwin, “Uhhh… kid can’t use his legs, I feel we’ve been over this.”  Even Grey Wind is like, “The fuck you going on about girl?”
Tyrion, “For your information, with the right horse even a cripple can ride and I’m about to do something incredibly nice could you all stop acting so fucking surprised?”
Bran, “I’m still very much in the denial stage of my grief process and don’t associate myself with that word.”
Tyrion, “Kid, if you’re not a cripple then I’m not a dwarf, my father will be ever so pleased to hear it. Seriously, he hates me. Anyway I got you a present. Since I didn’t have Jon to flirt with I spent my entire trip down here making these sketches for you. They’re for a special saddle you can use to train a horse to respond to your tiny, ineffectual legs. On horseback you’ll be as tall as anyone.”
Bran:
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Robb, “You and/or your family throw my brother out a window and now you’re doing this really awesome thing for him? I am so confused. Am I too pretty to understand what’s happening?”
Tyrion, “Yes. And relax, this isn’t a trick.”  (As he’s talking Bran gives him the smallest little smile which is the biggest he’s smiled since his accident and Tyrion gives him a “I get it” smile in return and my heart hurts.) “I have a weak spot in my heart for cripples, bastards, and broken things.”
Robb, “You just alluded to Jon, how did you know that was my weak spot?”
Tyrion, “You boys aren’t exactly on the down-low if you know what I’m saying.”
Robb, “I don’t, but I’ll begrudgingly allow you to grab a bed if you want.”
Tyrion, “Never mind, I’m over this weirdness. Even when I enjoy the hospitality of Winterfell I wind up sleeping in a kennel so I am just going to go stay at a brothel I made note of and get laid tonight because I turn lemons into lemonade.”
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Outside!
Tyrion’s getting ready to ride out of Winterfell when Theon comes wandering up. Tyrion, like Summer, is not pleased to see him.
Theon, “Gonna try some northern ass? Ask for Ros. Yes, that’s right. I know a woman. Impressed?”
Tyrion, “No. I met her in the first episode. I’ve been in Winterfell for less than a fortnight and I already know more about the women here than you ever will. Why am I dealing with you anyway? Your master appears to be super pissed at me.”
Theon, “He’s not my master.”
Tyrion, “So you just stay here because you love him so much? I guess he is handsome in kind of a devastating way. I hate that I have to ask you of all people for information but what exactly is going on here? Where is Catelyn? Why is Rickon the third most important Stark in Winterfell?”
Theon, “I don’t know, she’s not feeling well, she probably has her period or something.”
Tyrion:
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Theon, “M’lady’s whereabouts…”
Tyrion, “”M’lady” is it? You’re rocking some serious Stockholm Syndrome aren’t you?”
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Tyrion, “Remember when your father gathered up a bunch of sailors and was like “I’m King!” And Robert was like “Lol, no.” And then totally crushed him and it was super embarrassing and your older brothers died and you were made to come live in Winterfell as a hostage so you dad wouldn’t revolt again?”
Theon, “That incredibly painful memory? Yeah, I think about it a lot actually, it’s made me a bitter, angry, young man.”
Tyrion, “Yeah, well your dad is going to be mega-pissed when he finds out how up the Starks’ butts you are.”
Theon, “You’re right, alright? I’m totally homeless. “Nobody Wants Theon” is going to be the title of my memoir.”
Tyrion, “Sorry I’m being a dick, Robb yelled at me so I’m yelling at you, it’s the chain of screaming . Don’t worry my dad’s a hater too. Wait till I tell you the story about my first wife, it will make Balon Greyjoy look like Bill Cosby. I’ve learned to live with it with time, so will you.” (Tyrion should travel around Westoros giving life advice to all the main characters, I realize that’s what he’s already doing but in like a more official capacity.) “Here’s some money for you to go see Ros. I’ll try not to wear her out but most likely the next time you bone her you guys will spend most of your time talking about me.”
(Note to HBO: I will never tire of listening to people tell Theon how much he sucks. (Also APPARENTLY the actor who plays Theon is Lily Allen’s younger brother?? And she wrote a song about him and how all he does is smoke weed and play video games all day? And their relationship in real life kinda mirrors Theon and Asha? Except hopefully without that weird incestuous horse ride? I feel HBO left that information out of their marketing materials.)

Fade in on The Wall!
Jon is adorably, earnestly coaching his pals in the way of sword fighting and everyone starts thinking about how great it would have been to have a friend like Jon Snow in high school. The training yard gets distracted by the arrival of Samwell Tarly. 

Samwell Tarley
Likes: Reading, Comic Books, The Smiths, Tumblr, Death Cab for Cutie, Raining days where there’s nothing to do but sit by a window and write in  your journal
Dislikes: Fighting, Group Activities, Cold, Heights, Riding, Wearing Armor, The color black, Night, Watching


Their drill Sergeant, Alliser Thorne (who is a right old bag of dicks) makes Sam introduce himself. Sam is super embarrassed and awkward. (It’s like having to do a presentation on your first day of class but if your classmates were rapists and holding swords.) He finally spits out that he’s from Horn Hill and he’s come to take the Black. Rast, “Come to take the black pudding! LOL.” (1. Black pudding is disgusting. 2. That’s not even a good fat joke. 3. You’re a rapist without a sense of humor. 4. GET OUT OF HERE RAST.)
Thorne, “Well you couldn’t be any worse than you look.”
Sam, “Now that’s just setting me up for failure.”
Thorne has Rast attack Sam to “see what he’s made of.” Sam immediately collapses and tries to yield.
Thorne, “Get up,”
Sam, “I’m good down here.”’
Thorne, “Hit him until he gets up.”
Rast’s on it (and way too into it) while Sam screams and Thorne shouts abuses. Jon goes to intervene but Pyp’s like, “Wouldn’t be prudent.”
But Jon is a Stark and he’s not gonna tolerate this bullshit. (Jon’s going to spend his evening recording an “It gets better” video for Sam.) He jumps in all, “He yielded dickwad,” and helps Sam up.
Thorne, “One man being nice to another man? Gay Panic! Looks like the bastards fallen in love. Alright let’s have this be a teachable moment! The three of you should be sufficient to make the piggy scream” (Spoiler Alert: They’re not.) “All you have to do is get past the bastard first.” (“Get Past The Bastard” would be a great name for an indie rock album.)
Jon has a total John McClane/Slyvester Stallone moment where he pinches his eyebrows and is like
Jon, “Fine, you think you can take me? Come at me!”
Grenn, “Absolutely not.”
He takes everyone of them down and Grenn yields while Sam stands in the back cringing every time Jon takes a hit. (When I ask my friends who have only watched the show who their favorite character is, they all list Jon Snow as Number 1. Reading the books, I loved Jon don’t get me wrong, but he had a lot of emo emotions while Arya, Tyrion and Daenerys were being straight up badasses 24/7. I think that the show does a really good job in making you appreciate the wonderfulness that is Eddard Stark’s bastard son.) Thorne, disgusted, leaves in a humph as is his wont.
Sam, “Are you hurt?”
Jon, “I’ve had worse.” BE SEXIER JON.
Sam, “You can call me Sam. My mom calls me Sam, she’s the only person who’s ever been nice to me. This isn’t some weird transference thing where I put my emotions for her on to you or anything like that.”
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Jon, “Wow, um okay, person I have just met. Some friendly advice, you gotta grow a set.”
Grenn, “Yeah the hell was that?”
Sam, “Due to my metabolism problem I’ve been told I’m a piece of shit my entire life and I’ve started to believe it.”
Jon, “The Wall isn’t really the place for people who aren’t into aggressive physical combat.”
Sam, “Duh. I’m not here because I was bored and looking for something to do on a Tuesday. I just wanted to say “Thank You,” that’s probably the first time an alpha male did something nice for me in my entire life.”
Grenn, “People saw us talking to Sam and they’re going to think we’re fat loser cowards too and that upsets me because I don’t have enough confidence or intelligence to define myself outside of other people’s viewpoints of me.”
Pyp, “Relax loser, no one’s watching you. Beside you’re too stupid to be a coward.”
Grenn, “Well you’re too stupid to be a…” And then he loses the thread. Oh, Grenn.
Pyp, “Quick before summer’s over!” And Grenn chases him around while Pyp lols. (SPIN OFF WITH GRENN AND PYP LIVING ON THE WALL PLEASE. It’d be like “Perfect Strangers” but with more zombies.)
Jon, “What am I even to do with this?”

DOTHRAKI!
The khalasar reaches Vaes Dothraki, the City of the Horse Lords. (HBO, I love you, you’re doing a great job of adapting these books, I’m into it, but why the hell isn’t Viserys walking? The right to ride horses was taken away from him last episode.)
Daenerys is into it, Viserys is underwhelmed.
Viserys, “Shitty fucking mud city built by savages.”
Daenerys, “Hey Governer Ratcliffe, can we cool it with the intense racism to the indigenous people? You’re talking about my husband’s family.”
Viserys, “I WAS PROMISED AN ARMY AND I DIDN’T GET IT AND I WANT IT.” And rides away.
Daenerys, “Jorah, can we get real? Will my brother’s plan succeed at all?”
Jorah, “Short answer: no. Long answer: Helllllllllllll no. 1. Dothraki don’t swim and you have to cross an ocean to get to Westoros. 2. Even though Robert’s going off the rails, The Small Council: All Stars would probably have their shit together enough to win.”
Daenerys, “You know these guys?”
Jorah, “Know em? Fucker owes me ten bucks. Now Ned Stark is being a total bitch to me, it’s like all of the sudden he like just decided we weren’t friends anymore.”
Daenerys, “I hate to be Captain Obvious but you did sell slaves. What was that about?”
Jorah, “I had to pay credit card bills for my wife. Bitches be shopping, you know.”
Daenerys, “You were married?”
Jorah, “Yeah, she’s shacked up now with someone else, materialistic whore.”
Daenerys, “Can any male in my life have a reasonable, respectful attitude towards women?”
All men on the show, “Not really.”

BATHTUB!
The books spare you any Viserys sex scenes. HBO is not so kind. Though it does answer the unspoken question, “Is sex with Viserys as gross as you’d think it would be?” with a resounding YES!
Dorhea is soaping up Viserys’ tiny baby bird chest. (Harry Lloyd weighs about 90 lbs and it somehow makes the character more unsettling.)
Dorhea, “Do you have dragon blood in your veins? I’m desperately looking for anything I can find attractive about you right now.”
Viserys, “One of my ancestors probably fucked a dragon, that seems reasonable.”
Dorhea, “Isn’t it sad how there are no more dragons because the brave men killed them all.”
Viserys, “The brave men didn’t kill dragons, they rode them.”
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Dorhea, “I really want to see a one.”
Viserys, “I didn’t know you were such a nerd about dragons.”
Dorhea, “Yeah, they’re big and scary and I grew up in a pleasure house and now I’m in a tub with you and if I was big and scary I probably wouldn’t have to do those things.”
Viserys, “I’ve also lived a life doing thing I didn’t want to do so I get it.” And then it turns into a Ricky Martin video with her dripping candle wax onto his tiny baby bird chest and everyone starts wishing the next scene would start but there’s still like four more minutes of this.
Dorhea, “How cool would it be to see a dragon?”
Viserys, “After 15 years in a pleasure house I assume seeing the sky makes you happy.”
Dorhea, “It wasn’t all penises. I have seen some shit. Like a dude who can change his face like he changes clothes, I hope he becomes a character in the series. Have you seen a dragon?”  Viserys starts telling a story about looking at dragon skulls with his dad and his dad giving him sweets and is like, “All this talk of dragons and my father is making me super wet.” And then they start boning while he lists off the names of dragons? And everyone’s “This is the weirdest dirty talk I’ve ever heard.” And I’m:
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Dorhea’s “into it” and by “into it” I mean “good at pretending this isn’t the lamest sex she’s ever had.”
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Dorhea, “Where are the dragon skulls now?”
Viserys, “They got crushed.”
Dorhea, “That sucks.”
Viserys, “Wow, you’re right it does,” Instantly pissed, “What did I buy you for? To make me sad?”
Dorhea, “I really have no idea what’s happening right now. Are you blaming other people for your emotions?”
Viserys, “Yes. I am. Again the fuck you think you’re doing here?”
Dorhea, “To teach your sister…”
Viserys, “You thought I bought you to make Khal Drogo happy? NOPE. I bought you so I could bone you. You’re welcome.  Now go on, get on with it.” 
And everyone’s, “Do we have to be here for this or can we be excused?”
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She starts boning him while he sits there pissed and then FINALLY the scene is over and everyone is free to go shower and begin repressing this and hoping our subconscious doesn’t store it for use during the strange dreams you get when you fall back asleep after turning your alarm off in the morning but it probably will because the subconscious is an asshole.

Red Keep!
Septa is telling Sansa how great it’s going to be when she’s queen and presents her son to the court because that’s the best possible outcome for a woman’s life in this society. Sansa immediately sees a million flaws with it and is like, “Yeah tell me more about my marriage to that blond boy who hit my sister and got my pet killed and wants nothing to do with me. That’s a great fucking idea. BTW, what if I only have girls?”
Septa, “Let’s not imagine that dark possibility…”
Sansa, “Well I’m in a bitchy mood so humor me.”
Septa, “If you only have girls the throne passes to Tommen.”
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Sana, “And then everyone would hate me.”
Septa, “No one could ever hate you.”
Fandom, “False.”
Sansa, “Man, fuck the patriarchy.”
Septa, “Word.”
Sansa, “Can we talk about my boy issues and people who hate me which are really one and the same, and by that I mean Joffrey.”
Septa, “Joffrey doesn’t hate you. Joffrey hates everything you just happen to be a part of everything. By the way is this weird emotionalness about the wolf thing because I told you a direwolf isn’t a good pet.” (No Septa, a direwolf is THE BEST pet.)
Sansa, “I’m still completely destroyed by it, change the subject.”
Septa, “How bout a history lesson?” 
Sansa, “Boring, why did the Mad King kill my uncle and grandfather?” (You kinda get the impression that everyone talks about the Mad King the way we now talk about Bush.)
Septa, “Ask your dad.”
Sansa, “You mean the fucker who killed Lady?”
Septa, “You gotta get over that.”
Sansa, “I won’t.”
And you’re like, “Damn Sansa, that’s cold.”
And Sansa’s like,
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Small Council!
Police Chief Janos Slynt, “It is bedlam in the city because you decided to throw yourself a tournament for being named the Hand of the King.”
Ned, “That’s not what happened at all but continue.” Ned is drenched in flop sweat as he listens to Slynt. I would say I hope there’s whiskey in that cup he’s drinking, but it’s Ned Stark so it’s probably just mineral water or kombucha. 
Police Chief, “This city is going bananas, it’s like Vancouver after a Stanley Cup loss out there. There’s fighting, riots, three stabbings and a drunken horse race down the Street of Sisters.” 
Varys says “Dreadful,” but he says it in such a way that you know he was totally there starting shit all, “First one to the Statue of Baelor gets to know where Littlefinger hides his weird porn!” 
Slynt, “You gotta increase security.”
Renly, “If you can’t keep order maybe we’ll fire you and find someone else?” And then he saucily eats a peanut.
Ned, “You get 50 more men, Petyr will make sure you get the cash.”
Petyr, “You do not command me! I am a king in my head!”
Ned, “You were able to find prize money, if you have enough cash to buy an Ipod then you have enough for a protection plan. Also I’ll give you 20 of my own guard, I can’t imagine I’ll be needing them in this haven of civility and reason.” 
Slynt, “Sweet. I’m out.”
Ned, “Does anybody else find this completely ridiculous?”
Varys, “No, it’s good, tournaments give the great a chance of glory and the lowly a respite from their woes, it’s like the Oscars. It’s a practice that’s more commonly referred to as “bread and circus” and there was never any civilization where it didn’t work out perfectly.”
Petyr, “Now I’m going to say a few vile things more or less at random, mostly because it is expected of me, but also because I enjoy it. And whores are walking bowlegged.”
Ned, “Yeah I’m sure a lot of gross people are making a lot of money. END OF MEETING.”
Varys gives him a genuine bow that’s so earnest it feels like he’s mocking him. Petyr gives him a mocking bow and then catwalks out of the room looking directly into the camera. Petyr and Tyra Banks would be friends I think. 
Ned:
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Ned, “Yo, Pycelle, hold up. Can we rap about Jon Arryn for a bit?”
Pycelle, “Yeah sure, what’d you wanna know? Let me say right off the bat that I personally took charge of making sure he lived and he died. So, that was my bad. Now I’ll describe his symptoms to you which make it sound exactly like he was poisoned. Is that what you were looking for?”
Ned, “It’s a good start.”
Pycelle, “Yeah, Jon often came to me to counsel, including the night before he died, we were pretty much bffers.”
Ned, “Why?”
Pycelle, “Are you implying that I’m not a cool guy and Jon Arryn wouldn’t want to hang out with me? Because I assure you I am a VERY COOL GUY.”
Ned, “Jesus, unclench your cheeks I was asking what he wanted the night before he died.”
Pycelle, “Oh that, some old, long boring book. You are definitely not interested in it.”
Ned, “I definitely am.”

Pycelle’s Room!
Pycelle gives him the book. It’s a lineage book that charts the family tree of all the rich people in the Seven Kingdoms. Ned starts reading at random “blah blah blah died from wounds sustained in a bear hunt blah blah blah hope that’s not foreshadowing blah blah blah” and is like, “God, this is boring. Did Jon highlight the important chapters or say why he was reading it?”
Pycelle, “No and I didn’t ask. I’m not a naturally inquisitive person, which is not great in a doctor/professor, but what can ya do?” 
Ned, “What were Jon’s last words?”
Pycelle, “Nothing important…OH, except “the seed is strong,” he kept saying that over and over again.”
Ned, “That’s the weirdest last words I’ve ever heard, also kinda gross?”
Pycelle, “Dude was into some messed up shit I guess. But last words are usually as important as first words.” (Could you imagine if your first words were, “The seed is strong?”)
Ned, “So remember how you described his symptoms and it sounded exactly like poison.”
Pycelle, “Yes.”
Ned, “So…do you think he was poisoned?”
Pycelle, “What is this CSI? We haven’t invented autopsies yet, how should I know? Also there’s no motive.”
Ned, “They say poison is a woman’s weapon.”
Pycelle, “I don’t see why we have to get sexist with this, but sure women could use poison, also men, cowards, eunuchs.”
Ned:
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Pycelle, that is some crazy misdirect you are throwing around.
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 I do not want to play Assassin with Grand Maester Pycelle. 

Random Hallway!
Ned’s carrying his giant book and sees Arya standing on one foot at the top of the stairs. He looks at her like, “Ummmm what…is going on….here?”
Arya, “Syrio says a water dancer can stand on one toe for hours.” Arya, I love Syrio, but you should ask for proof of these statistics. That can’t be true.
Ned, “You could hurt yourself down these stairs.”
Arya, “Syrio says every hurt is a lesson and every lesson makes you better.”
Ned’s face while he is watching her is so full of love and fatherly pride I can’t decide if I want to give Sean Bean a hug or an Emmy more. 
Arya, “Tomorrow I’m chasing cats!!”
Ned, “Cats,” and then he starts for her, “Syrio says…” WHY ARE YOU THE BEST FATHER/DAUGHTER EVER.
Arya, “Syrio figured out the same thing the internet did which is that cats are awesome.” (ALSO there was an adorable interview with Maise Williams where she said the clothes she was wearing in the first season (and this scene) were supposed to be clothes she stole from Bran because she’s a little tomboy who steals her brother’s clothes. What adorable attention to detail HBO costume designers!)
Arya, “Also, now that Bran’s awake does he get to come live here with us?”
Ned, “Well….that’s kinda complicate….”
Arya, “He wanted to be a knight, he can’t do that now what with the no legs thing.”
Ned, “Well, no. Standing upright is a big part of physical combat. But when he grows up he can be on a Small Council like I am, or be lord of the holdfast, or an architect.”
Arya, “That sounds awesome, can I do those things?”
Ned, “While I am a bit more forward thinking than most people around here, I still just want my baby girl to live a long, safe, happy and comfortable life and in this society in this moment that means marrying a nice dude and living in his castle and having lots of sons who can grow up and do all the things you wanna do, so you can do that.”
Arya simply but defiantly, “No. That’s not me.”
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And then she goes back to her balancing and you are just like, “God, Arya, you kick so much ass.”
Ned’s face is, “I love Sansa…but she has never surprised me, not one day in her life. Bless her heart. But you…you surprise me, honey.”

The Wall!
Jon’s standing on the wall when Sam comes lurking up.
Sam, “Hellllooo, Thorne made me be your watch partner to fuck with you cause he doesn’t realize how much we’re gonna love each other. I should warn you though, I don’t see very well.”
Jon, “Come stand by the fire it’s warmer.”
Sam, “Oh no, I’m good over here.”
Jon, “You’re freezing. I’m being so adorably protective right now it’s stupid.”
Sam, “I hate heights.”
Jon, “So to recap, you don’t like heights, cold, fighting, night or watching. Can we get real? Why join the Night’s Watch?”
Sam, “Are you ready for some TEARS because I have the saddest story EVER. So I grew up a Tarly and my dad is just a big, Republican, outdoorsy dude and me? Well I’m like Seth Cohen with a thyroid problem. I just wanted to read my comic books and write in my journal and listen to Bright Eyes all day. So when I turned 18 my dad came to me and was like, “You are not fit to be my heir so tomorrow you’re going to renounce your claim to your inheritance and go take the black and if you don’t I’m going to take you hunting and have someone murder you and tell your mom it was an accident.” So you know here I am.”
Jon, “Wow, I am appropriately horrified by this story. Your father sounds like a big bag of bullshit.”
Sam, “He is.”
Jon, “You know, I like Bright Eyes too.”
Sam, “Really?”
Jon, “Really.”
Sam, “Am I going to fight again tomorrow?”
Jon, “Yep.”
Sam, “This is stupid. I’m not going to get any better.”
Jon, “Well, you can’t get any worse.”
And then Jon and Sam laugh and Sam’s like “This is the first time someone has laughed with me instead of at me,” and Jon realizes that even though he was super regretting deciding to take the Black in a moment of emotional teenage rebellion, perhaps the Wall is the place for him cause it’s a bunch of people who have felt like outcasts the same way he has his whole life and maybe one day Bright Eyes will play a concert at Castle Black and they can all go together and sing along really loudly and not care who hears them and for just once they’ll feel infinite.

King’s Landing!
Petyr, “I heard a rummmmmmmmoooooor, that you’re reading a boring book.”
Ned, “That has to be the worst rumor ever, also Pycelle is such a gossip.”
Petyr, “I know right? Speaking of gossip, do you know Ser Hugh of the Vale?”
Ned, “Can’t say that I have, been a little busy what with the drunken horse races, and buying dolls for my daughter, and surreptitiously meeting with my wife, and the sweating, and the book reading, and the killing of direwolves (too soon?)”
Petyr, “Well he was Jon Arryn’s squire and got knighted immediately after Jon Arryn’s death.”
Ned, “Why was he knighted?”
Petyr, “Seriously dude? That wasn’t a riddle I just told you exactly why.”
Ned, “Why are you helping me?”
Petyr, “Let’s just say I have soft spot in my heart for cripples, bastards, and broken things…I’m kidding! I hate all that shit! I’m still trying to fuck your wife, remember? It’s weird how much you don’t get this.”
Ned, “Alright, so tell me where this Ser Hugh is so I can ask him some questions.”
Petyr, “Oh my god, I don’t even want to help you but you’re making it impossible not to. See that kid over there whistling exaggeratedly and pretending not to be spying on you, that kid reports to Varys, and that lady over there reports to the queen and that one reports to me.” 
Ned’s finally beginning to realize that this party he was invited to is way more fucked up than he thought.
Petyr, “Yup. This place is just lousy with spies. You go wandering around snooping into Jon Arryn’s death people are going to notice. Anyone in your service you trust completely?”
Ned, “Yes. In the north we just kind of are, we don’t play mind games with each other 24/7.” 
Petyr, “Well you’re pretty much fucked then. So you know how Jon Arryn was doing all this weird stuff and then he got poisoned, most likely by the Lannisters and died?”
Ned, “Sure.”
Petyr, “Why don’t you do everything that Jon Arryn did and see how things work out for you?”
Ned, “That plan sounds bulletproof when do we start?”
Petyr, “Well Arryn was obsessed with with this armourer before he died, why don’t you go check that out?”
Ned, “How come every time I talk to you I feel you fuck my world up a little more?”
Petyr, “What can I say? It’s my raison d’etre.”
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Ned, “Maybe I was wrong not to trust you.”
Petyr, “No you were totally right about that.”
Ned, “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.”

Tournament Rehearsal!
Ser Hugh of the Vale is …. counting out the steps of the jousting tournament? I’m sorry but how the hell does that help when you’re racing a giant horse? WHAT ARE  YOU COUNTING?
Jory, “Yo Hugh can we rap?”
Hugh, “OH YOU INTERRUPTED ME! Now I have to start all over AGAIN.”
Hey Hugh,
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Hugh, “What is your name ser?”
Jory, “No ser, not a knight. I’m Ned’s pal.”
Hugh, “Well I am a knight. Which makes me better than you so I don’t have to listen to you so PISS OFF.”
Jory:
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Sexy Armourers! 
Jory, “Hugh’s a bitchy knight so he won’t talk to me.”
Ned, “They strut around like roosters here. Even the ones who have never seen an arrow coming their way.” Yeah, we can’t all be in Lord of the Rings, Bean. Jory has already figured out what Petyr had to explain to Ned five times and is like, “Uhh should we be more stealth? Why do you Starks insist on doing sneaky things in broad daylight?”
Ned, “Let them look.” NED, you are not being very PRUDENT.
Armourer,  ”Oh yeah Arryn came a bunch of times, never bought anything, cheap fuck. Just wanted to see the handsome hunk of man banging things with a hammer behind me.”
Ned, “Well let me see that.”
Gendry, “Oh hey sorry, didn’t you see you there was too busy flexing my giant oiled up arm muscles like I’m a background model in a Beyonce video. Name’s Chris Miles Gendry.”
Armourer, “Show him that thing you made.”
Ned, “Pretty cool.”
Gendry, “Well you can’t have it. I made it for me. I’m incredibly stubborn like my father.”
Ned, “So if I was Jon Arryn right now I would ask you….”
Gendry, “A lot of really uncomfortable questions. How am I? Am I still banging my teacher? How’s my goldfish doing? How was that time I got locked out of my own house naked? And then a lot of creepy questions about my mother.”
Ned, “So your mother…she was….”
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Gendry, “Uh…she had yellow hair, weak recessive genes, she sang to me sometimes…”
Ned, “Look at me.”
Gendry, “This “powerful men forcing me to stand still while they stare at me” thing…is that going to keep happening to me my whole life….cause I’m just trying to decide what level of comfort I should have with it.”
Ned, “Get back to work, btw if that boy ever wants to wield a sword rather than forge one. Send him to me.” Stark out!
Jory, “Who dat?”
Ned, “Robert’s bastard son.” 

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Outside Robert’s Bedroom!
Jamie is in a k-hole of depression standing guard while Robert gets his sex on. Jory comes wandering up all, “Yo, I got something for the king!” 
Jaime, “Shhhhhhh listen to these sex noises.”
Jory, “This is weird.”
Jaime, “How many do you think are in there with them?”
Jory, “3…1?…..14? 0? I’m sorry what’s happening?”
Jaime, “Listen up total stranger, the king likes to do this when I’m on duty. Makes me listen to him bone other women to insult my sister.” And it’s then that you realize that the Jaime-Cersei-Robert triangle is so much more fucked up than you thought (and for a triangle that already involves incest between twins that is a lot of fucked up.) Just then a girl comes running out of the room, (Ummm what? I’ve never had a 14-some but do people just leave in the middle? Did she decide she was over it? Did she get an emergency text? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?) Jaime and Jory stand aside awkwardly to let her pass.
Jory, “Forgive me.”
Jaime annoyed as all hell, “Why do I have to forgive you, have you wronged me?”
Jory, “Wow is this not going well. We met before dude.”
Jaime, “Have we? Weird I didn’t remember someone as cool as you.”
Jory, “Siege of Pike. We fought side by side one afternoon.”
Jaime remembers and softens up. The quickest way to Jaime Lannister’s heart is reminding him of times he was a badass. “You got your scar there?”
Jory, “Yeah some Greyjoy almost took my eye out.”
Jaime, hilariously dead serious, “Vicious sons of whores.”
Jory, equally hilariously dead serious, “They like their bloodshed.”
They reminisce about the good times and someone named Thoros of Myr running around with a flaming sword and they both seem to be enjoying themselves and Jaime’s kind of snapped out of his funk and you’re like, “Awww in another life you guys could have been pals maybe!” 
Jaime, “I saw that Greyjoy kid they made go live in Winterfell when I was there. It was weird, like seeing a shark on a mountain top.”
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Jory, “You mean Theon? Robb’s pal. He’s a good kid.”
Jaime, hilariously dead serious again, “I doubt that.” (I can’t tell you how hard I lolled at that line when I first heard it. Jaime Lannister (by way of Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) does not get nearly enough credit for his comedic timing.)
Then the door opens and two more girls run out. (Did they get the same emergency text? Are they going to hang out with the other one? What is even happening in that room?? With the door open you can overhear Robert say to someone, “I bet you smell like blackberry jam.” What?? HOW IS THAT A THING YOU SAY DURING SEX ROBERT? HBO answers for everyone the unspoken question, “Is sex with Robert as weird as you think it’d be?” with a resounding “Yes!”  Jaime closes the door sparing all of us some more weird sex similes.)
Jory, “So……do I just leave this with you or….”
Jaime pissed again at the reminder that he’s Robert’s lackey, “I don’t serve Lord Stark.” Jory finally realizes that he picked the wrong fucking time to talk to Jaime Lannister so he peaces, leaving Jaime all alone to his k-hole.
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Awww Jaime!! It’s okay!! (Somebody needs to record an “It gets better” video for Jaime Lannister. (That would be the weirdest video ever. “First you’re sad because your job is to listen to your sister/lover’s husband fuck whores for hours but then you get to fuck your sister/lover and it gets better?”)

The Wall Cafeteria!
Pyp and Grenn are sitting by themselves eating on the same side of the bench. (What do you think Pyp and Grenn talk about when Jon’s not around? I think one of them would try to make a joke and the other one would just shake his head and be like, “Don’t,” and then they wait for Jon to show up. (These are the questions that keep me up at night.))
Pyp makes a joke about Sam not being hungry and Jon’s like “Guys not cool. Sam likes Bright Eyes, he’s here because, like us, he’s got nowhere else.” He raises his voice here so all the other tables can get the message, “We’re not gonna hurt him again, no matter what Thorne says.” Everyone else has gotten quiet and is eavesdropping because when Jon Snow talks, people listen.
Rast turns around and is like, “Pig. Bacon. Fuck Sam and your queer feelings for him.”
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A few dudes laugh but instantly stop when they see Jon’s face which is like, ”You did not just contradict me.”
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And then Jon full on:
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And turns around.

Bunkbeds!
Jon, Pyp and Grenn sneak up on Rast while he’s sleeping. They hold him down and put a rope in his mouth to keep him from shouting.
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Jon, “No. One. Touches. Sam.”
Ghost:
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Training Yard!
Rast half heartedly is battling Sam and knocks his sword out of his hands. Sam goes to pick it up, assuming this is all a trick to further humiliate him. Thorne yells at Rast to attack Sam so Rast hits him lightly on the arm.  Sam adorably looks at his arm like he’s never seen it before. He is so confused. Thorne sends Grenn in, Grenn in the biggest stage whisper ever tells Sam to hit him. Sam still has no idea so he looks to Jon for approval to use violence against Grenn.  Sam lightly tabs Grenn and he goes down screaming “I yield! I yield!” Give the boy an Oscar. Everyone starts laughing, including Jon so Sam knows he’s okay. Thorne loses it and grabs Jon by the collar.
Thorne, “You think this is funny?”
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Thorne and Jon have make crazy eyes for a while. Thorne, “When you’re out there beyond the wall, do you want a man at your back or a sniveling boy?”
Sam, “I don’t understand what happened but I think it was awesome.”

Dothraki!
Viserys is dragging Dorhea by her hair through the camp and you’re like, “Is this still part of that sex scene? Because I don’t think I can take any more.” People in the Dothraki camp are taking this “dragging a girl around by her hair” thing far too much in stride, no one seems phased at all. Daenerys is in her tent organizing her jewelry (I love doing that too Khaleesi! So relaxing!) when Viserys barges in and throws Dorhea on the ground.
Viserys, “You send this whore to give me commands!! I should have sent you back her head!!”
Daenerys tells her handmaidens to gtfo because she has seen that crazy look in Viserys’ eye before and she knows a total shit storm is heading her way.
Viserys, “How many times do I have to tell you that you do not command me?”
Daenerys, “I don’t know maybe a million more because I totally do. And can you unclench your cheeks, I made some hot fruit and had extra and thought you might want some. We haven’t invented the text message yet so I sent my handmaiden to ask you y/n.” To recap, Viserys has lost his mind and is threatening decapitation because Daenerys asked him to dinner. Cool dude. 
Viserys, “I am literally past the point of all reason or sanity.” He starts grabbing things at random in the room and yelling about them, almost sobbing he is so upset, like, “What is this? A piece of leather? And this candle stick? WHY IS IT?”
Daenerys, “I made you a leather vest. I know you’re insecure about your tiny bird chest but it’s like 1,000 degrees all the time here and I thought you’d be more comfortable.”
Viserys, inappropriately horrified,  ”Are you going to dress me now in Dothraki rags?”
Daenerys, “Just because you don’t look good in leather doesn’t mean some of us aren’t pulling it off.”
He throws it at her. “This stinks of manure!!” Which is a really rude thing to say about a present. Viserys, “I’m going to wildly assume this is all your master plan to turn me into a Dothraki because I suffer from a narcissistic personality disorder where I 1. assume everything everyone does is always about me and 2. break down completely if it’s not. Next I bet you’ll want to give me a braid.”
Daenerys, “No loser, you don’t get one. Braids are for closers and you’ve never even taken a punch (yet.)” You can see in Viserys’ face that his entire being is crumpling because he has built his self-worth on the idea that he was more powerful than his sister and she’s beginning to see him for the piece of shit the he is. Girl is about to lose his goddamn mind. Viserys slaps her across the face and calls her a “horse-lord slut,” and gets on top of her, completely ready to fuck her world up because the only way he knows how to exert himself is through violence.
Daenerys, “Seriously again with the slut-shaming of rape victims? This shit ends NOW.” As they’re grappling, she grabs a gold belt that he threw at her earlier and wacks him across the face with it.
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Viserys face is:
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Daenerys stands up and her voice gets like ten octaves deeper and her hair turns into snakes and her eyes start shooting lightening and Emilia Clark is just fucking amazing and things are getting so real in that tent Viserys has no fucking idea.
Daenerys, “I am a Khaleesi of the Dothraki. I am the wife of the great Khal and I carry his son inside me. The next time you raise a hand to me will be the last time you have hands.”  
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Viserys, you just got OWNED.
(Tyrion gets the best one-liners, Daenerys the best speeches. If there was a show that was just Daenerys giving scary speeches about what a bad ass she is while Tyrion made witty asides I would watch six seasons and a movie.)

The Wall Cafeteria!
Jon and Sam are cleaning the tables together because they are now, Samwell Tarly and Jon Snow, BFFS!
Sam brings up the fact that some of the officers of the Night Watch sneak out and go to a brothel sometimes. Sam, “Well don’t you think it’s unfair that we have to take our vows while they get some Sally-on-the-side?” (Who is this Sally and why does she have such a bad reputation?)
Jon, completely amused by Sam’s ranting, “Sally on the side?”
Sam’s on a tear, “Well how come we can’t we sex to guard the wall? Hmmmm? Celibacy is a terrible way of enforcing discipline, look at what happened with the Catholic church.”
Jon, “I didn’t think you’d be so upset about it.”
Sam, “Why, because I’m fat?”
Jon instantly completely sincere, “No.” Jon’s concern for Sam’s feeling is overwhelming me with feelings.
Sam almost shouting he’s so defensive, “I like girls as much as you do.” He looks Jon up and down. “They might not like me as much…”  (And then Sam and the audience spend the next five minutes imagining Jon naked, Jon uncomfortably keeps cleaning while this happens….and we’re back.) Sam, “I’ve never been with a lady. If my imagination is correct, you are just knee deep in ass 24/7.”
Jon, “Actually, I’m totally straight edge about sex. I’m a virgin too.”
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Sam looks at this:
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and calls, “Bullshit!”
Jon’s like, “No, it’s true, I came close once.”
Sam, “What, didn’t know where to put it?” Samwell Tarly for the LOLZ.
Jon says forcefully, “I know where to put it.” And then Jon collapses under the weight of every bra and panty from every woman north of the wall. Sam graciously helps him dig himself out.
Sam, “Was she old and ugly?” WHAT? How is that your first question Sam? Samwell Tarly’s powers of deduction are amazing. “He knows where to put it so she must have been old and ugly.” WHAT?
Jon, “Uhh, she was this totally hot chick named Ros, you’ll meet her, every male character on the show does.”
Sam uncomfortably excited, “What color hair?” And then you realize that life before pornography must have led to a lot of really uncomfortable conversations.
Jon, “Red.”
Sam hornily mumbles about how much he likes red hair and then asks what her tits looked like. I have never wanted to buy someone a Playboy so badly. 
Jon with a smile, “You don’t want to know.”
Sam, “What that good?”
Jon, “Better.”
Sam, sounding exactly like Butters on Southpark, “What? Oh no!!” (This conversation would be annoying if anyone else was having it, but since it’s these two baby dolls it’s just stupidly charming.)
Sam, “So why didn’t you hit that? You and Ros with the perfect hoo haas.”
Jon, “What’s my name?”
Sam, “I like this game, Jon Snow.”
Jon, “Why is my surname Snow?”
Sam, thinks for a half beat, “Because you’re a bastard from the north!” He looks so proud of himself I wish Jon would give him a gold star.
Jon, “And now it’s time for Jon Snow’s Problems with Sex 101, pull up a chair this could take a while. I never met my mother, my dad told me nothing about her, my step mom was a complete cunt to me 24/7 and I am incredibly damaged. So I sat there in the brothel while Ros took off her clothes, and I realized that we don’t have access to birth control, condoms, the pill, plan B, or safe abortions and that women will never know true freedom or equality until they can decide when and how they become a mother and I became a feminist, also a virgin. Because what if she got pregnant and she had a bastard kid and he grew up to be as emo as me? I don’t want a child to have to live my life because, like you, my life is made of TEARS. And since there’s no real way to be responsible about sex in this society aside from the pull out method which is not 100% accurate, I decided I’d take the Black and when you take the Black you’re not allowed to have sex and so this way I never have to think or worry about it again. That is a little thing I like to call “problem solving.””
Sam, “Your sexual issues are terrifying.” (Also, can we discuss poor Ros? Of all the terrible things that happen to the characters in this series, having Jon Snow in your boudoir and then having him run out of the room has to be the worst.)
Sam, “So…you didn’t know where to put it?” Lolz Sam!! Jon lolz and it seems entirely possible that every time Kit Harrington laughs an angel gets its wings. And then they start rough housing and Sam’s so happy to have a pal he can joke around with for the first time in his life and my heart is full of warmth and happiness. And then Thorne comes in, and they’re both like “Here we go.”
Thorne, “Allow me to interrupt your party to tell you about a party that I went to once.”
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Thorne, “Are you cold?”
Sam, “Tis a tid bit nipply.”
Thorne, “Like Benjen before me I am going to be unnecessarily agressive and defensive because a lifetime of people saying that the Night’s Watch is shit has given me some serious issues that I take out on the people around me. So last winter we heard a rumour that Mance Ryder was going to attack Eastwatch.”
Sam. “I’m bored.”
Thorne, “So we go out there to fight but there was a winter storm on the way. The wildlings, using their home field advantage, knew what was going to happen so they camped up while we got caught in the storm. It was so cold you got frost bite when you took your dick out to piss.”
Sam and Jon, “Eww.”
Thorne, “We ate the horses first and they were delicious. But when they were gone then we started eating each other.” Sam and Jon are appropriately horrified with this over-share. Thorne starts talking about how great it would have been to eat Sam cause he’s fat and Jon’s like, “I would intervene but it really seems like you’ve gone off the deep end and like a crazy person on the subway, I’m kinda hoping if we stay really still you’ll get distracted and wander off.”
Thorne, “We’ll get new recruits soon and you boys will become men of the Night’s Watch.”
Jon, “Yes that’s typically how these things go. Freshman become sophmores become juniors, do we have to be here for this?”
Thorne, “YOU’RE JUST BOYS AND YOU WILL DIE IN THE COLD BECAUSE IT GETS REALLY COLD AND THIS JOB IS REALLY DANGEROUS.” And leaves in a humph.
Jon and Sam, “Well that was fun.”

Dothraki!
Daenerys, “I hit the dragon. I’m beginning to tap into the bad-ass part of myself. It’s scary, but also, exciting.”
Jorah, “For the record, you hit a blond buffon. Rhaegar was the last dragon, Viserys is less than a shadow of a snake.” What an eloquent yet weird put down Mormont. Also:
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Jorah, “Can we get real, you really want to see that dude as a king?”
Daenerys, “Fuck no, but Illyrio’s been filling our heads with nonsense for years about how the common people in the Seven Kingdoms are praying for us to return.”
Jorah, “The common people pray that they can sit on their couch in their underwear and play Angry Birds and watch American Idol without anyone bothering them. They don’t give a fuck about the trauma that has been your entire life.”
Daenerys, “These are some hard truths. What do you pray for?”
Jorah, “Home.”
Daenerys, “Me too. Viserys is never gonna get me there. He couldn’t command the attention of a room of docile kindergartners. I’m going to have to become a complete rockstar and get this shit done for myself.”
Jorah, “No shit Sherlock. That’s why I’m hitching my wagon to your train.”

Tournament!
Everyone’s sitting around waiting for the full metal jousting to start. 
Sansa catches Joffrey’s eye and he gets super uncomfortable.
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Cersei btw looks AMAZEBALLS. Who is your stylist? Get that person a raise! Robert is in his default mode which is: half in the bag and getting antsy to see somebody kill something.
Petyr comes over and sees Sansa and is like, “So I was completely in love with your mother when she was your age and now is a good a time as any to begin being really creepy with you.”
Even the woman behind them is like:
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Arya jumps in all, “Why do they call you Littlefinger?” Sansa and Septa are deeply embarrassed by Arya, Petyr and everyone else is wildly entertained. 
Petyr, “Well I’m from a place called the Fingers and I was a scrawny little kid so it just kinda stuck.”
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Robert, “Start the damn joust before I piss myself.” Robert has zero patience for pomp and circumstance and since that’s about 90% of his job he’s always a little cranky.
Cersei does the most aggressive eye roll at her husband’s drunken aggressiveness and decides to get the fuck out there. 
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Cersei, LET’S BE FRIENDS.
Petyr explains to Sansa and the audience that we’re watching a match up between Sir Gregor Clegane (aka the Mountain aka the Hound’s older brother aka 7 Feet of Pure Anger aka Monster) vs. Ser Hugh of the Vale (aka That Whiny Blond Boy).
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The Mountain is clearly being paid to fight this dude that he could demolish with a well-timed sneeze and Ser Hugh is clearly vainglorious enough to think he stands a chance. (As a rule, when you’re hanging out with/employed by the Lannisters it’s not good to have obvious flaws they can exploit if they need to.)
Robert, “Enough of the pomp, have at it.”
The Mountain and Hugh square off. (The Vale by far has the best sigil.) They make one pass and nothing happens and I want Chaucer to come out and start introducing people. They go again and Gregor’s wood goes right through Hugh’s throat. He falls off his horse and blood is just EVERYWHERE. Sansa looks like she is going to ralph. Petyr, “Not like how it is on the teevee huh?”
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The rodeo clowns comes out to drag the body away. 
Petyr, “This is completely inappropriate but how bout we have some story time? Anyone ever told you the little ditty about the Mountain and the Hound?
Sansa, “What? No. Who would tell me that?”
Petyr, “So the Mountain is a total fucking psychopath, like murdering animals when he was a kid, the whole bit. His younger brother is the Hound and their relationship is like Elijah Wood and Macaulay Culkin’s in “The Good Son.” So one day the Hound was being an adorable little boy and playing with a wooden knight and the Mountain came in and saw his brother playing with his toy so he grabbed his head and put it into an OPEN FIRE and held it there until he was pulled off.  Kinda gives you some perspective on your problems with your sister. Anyway that’s where the Hound got his scars, his prickly attitude and his dislike of knights. There aren’t many people who know that story you better not tell anyone that story or the Hound is going to be super pissed.”
Sansa, “Worst secret ever.”

Ned’s Room!
Cersei comes to visit Ned, somehow having found time to take down her elaborate hair-do from the previous scene.
Cersei, “You’re missing your tournament.”
Ned, “Putting my name on it doesn’t make it mine.”
Cersei, “Kind of like children amiright?”
Ned, “What?”
Cersei, “What? I thought we’d put what happened on the Kingsroad behind us, you know that “ugliness with the wolves.””
Ned, “You mean that time you lost your mind and made me butcher my daughter’s pet thus destroying her innocence and effectively ruining our relationship?”
Cersei, “You know how it is, sometimes you go a little nuts where your children are concerned.”
Ned, “Are you seriously trying to get me to be okay with what you did?”
Cersei, “How is Sansa? She seems to be the only Stark that likes King’s Landing.”
Ned, “FUCK YOU. You seriously need to stop talking about my daughter.”
Cersei, “So, let’s get down to brass tax. What are you doing here? Are you going to snoop around like Jon Arryn into the legitimacy of my children because having to kill every person that Robert picks to be his hand is getting a bit exhausting. I think I saw a grey hair the other day.”
Ned, “I’m here because the king told me I had to be, that’s the way a monarchy works?”
Cersei, “You can’t change him, you can’t help him. He’ll do what he’s always done which is whatever he wants. You’ll do your best to pick up the pieces.”
Ned, “Yep, sounds about right.”
Cersei, “Oh. So you don’t have a master plan to destroy me like I think everyone does? You’re really just a soldier? I guess that makes sense, you’re brother was trained to lead and you were trained to follow.”
Ned, “Well I was never turned on by him so our relationship is still more normal than you and Jaime.”
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Ned, “And for the record, I might just be a soldier but I was trained to kill my enemies your Grace. Ya dig?”
Cersei, without missing a beat, “As was I.” Ain’t nothing more terrifying in the Seven Kingdoms than Cersei Lannister saying she is coming for you. 

Hampton Inn!
Catelyn and Rodric stopped to get some Gardettos and other weird road trip food. A singer comes over to where they are sitting and is like “Penny for a song governor.” Rodric, “I’d rather throw myself down a well.” We need to get Rodric away from the Starks, he is hiding some serious lolz. The singer insults the northerners and their obsession with wolves for a bit while Catelyn’s like, “This is uncomfortable.” Then Tyrion comes in and you’re like “Ohhhhhhh shiiiittt is gonna get reaaal.”
Concierge, “We’re booked.”
Tyrion, “My men can sleep in the stables.”
His men, “What dude? Just cause you like waking up surrounded by dogs doesn’t mean the rest of us are into it.”
Tyrion, “And you can put me in a kid’s bedroom I don’t care.” 
Concierge, “No like we’re really booked. All of these lords who are pals of Catelyn’s dad are hanging out here for some reason.”
Tyrion starts waving money around, as Lannisters do. (Like any good rich kid, Tyrion knows that an Amex Card with daddy’s credit will solve most of his problems.)
Bronn, “I will change my position on most things when offered money, you can have my bed.”

Bronn
Likes: Lolling, Gold, Women, Golden women, Tyrion Lannister, Negotiating, Bravosi knife games, Being sassy
Dislikes: Cock blocking, Taking a knee every time you take a shit, Fighting honorably, That ginger cunt three tents down

Singer, “Rich Lannister dude, let me sing you a song about how daring and heroic your father is.”  
Tyrion, “I would rather join Rodric at the bottom of that well.”
Catelyn puts her hood up and is like, “It’s all okay, there’s no way he can possibly recognize me now.”
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It takes Tyrion less than a minute to recognize her.
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Catelyn, “Motherfu-”
Tyrion,   “What a coincidence! I was just in Winterfell. Theon told me you were on the rag, it’s so weird that you’re here.”
Concierge, “Fuck, no one told me we had a celebrity, I would have mopped.”
Catelyn stands up,  ”Okay, I wanted to avoid this, but if we are going to do this, lets FUCKING do this.” (When it comes to haircuts and citizens arrests Catelyn Stark does not believe in half-measures.)
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Catelyn, “Yo, you in the corner with the creepy black bat that is obviously the sigil for the terrifying castle at Harranhaal.”
Guy, “Yeah…that’s me? I’m sorry what’s happening?”
Catelyn, “Is your lord a friend of my dad?”
Guy, “Yes…. I don’t understand this game….”
Catelyn, “Red Stallion dude, you pals with my dad too?”
Guy, “Yep…what’s going on….”
Tyrion, “So your dad has a lot of friends?We’re all super jealous? Jesus, why is everywhere I go lately just Stark weirdness all the time?”
image
Catelyn, “And you, back in the dimly lit corner lurking like a troll, is that a Frey I see.”
Everyone in the bar, “Groooaannnn.” (The Freys are the white trash of the Seven Kingdoms and deeply annoying. They’re the Vanessa Abrams, the Will Schuesters, the Elizabeth Hasselbecks of Westoros.)
Catelyn, “How is your lord?”
Guy, “He’s good he invited your dad to his 90th birthday party. He’s taking another wife, so it’s a combo wedding/birthday celebration thing. But you’re dad selected “maybe” on the evite so like he’s a little pissed, ya know.”
Tyrion, “Ew.”
Catelyn, “What? Jesus, I’m trying to do this whole big dramatic thing right now, no one wants to hear about your gross dad and his weird marriages.”
image
Catelyn muttering, “Fucking Freys.” Everyone, “Seriously.” She recovers and continues, “This man came into my house as a guest and there conspired to murder my son.” (Catelyn Stark has some issues when it comes to hospitality and child endangerment.) 
Bronn’s like, “Fuck, shit just got good.” (Nobody loves the antics of the reigning families in Westoros more than Bronn.)
Catelyn, “In the name of King Robert and the good lords you serve I call on you to help me seize him and help me return him to Winterfell to await the King’s Justice.”
Everyone,
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Tyion,  ”Fuck me.”
Now THAT is how you end an episode of television.

The End!!

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