A Song of Ice and Lolz

"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "


Contact: asongoficeandlolz@gmail.com

Recap Season 3, Episode 9


What you will need for this episode:
1. Glass filled with ice.
2. Bottle of whiskey.
3. Friend you can slap/punch repeatedly.

Previously: In 1991 George R.R. Martin had an idea for a series of fantasy novels. He started mapping out the story and told the devil his plans:image
People began reading his books and assumed that
 the Starks were the heroes of the story and that they would eventually triumph. People were wrong.

Are we ready?
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Let’s do this.
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Robb’s Camp! 
We open with ominous music and a map of Casterly Rock with fun handmade Lannister/Stark chess pieces on it. It’s a literal illustration of how fucked Robb is. 
Catelyn, “Are you sure about this?”
Robb, “Not even a little. But we need to hurt Tywin somehow, if we take Casterly Rock we will embarrass him in front of everyone and the one thing Tywin can never be is embarrassed. Plus he probably has a lot of gold stashed there and don’t you kinda wanna go through his stuff? I bet he’s got some weird shit. Like he’s a secret bronie or something.”
Catelyn, “Aren’t I usually off screen for your strategy sessions? Don’t you wanna get your foreign born wife in here for a basic geography lesson?”
Robb, “I find myself in need of some motherly advice.”
Catelyn, “From me?”
Robb, “Yes, let’s count the things you were right about. Number 1. Don’t let Theon negotiate with his father. Number 2. Don’t break my engagement. Number 3. Don’t kill Karstark. Basically if I had just followed your advice from the beginning Bran and Rickon would be lolling at Winterfell and I’d be sitting on the Iron Throne right now, brokering a peace treaty with Daenerys. Drogon and Greywind would be such good friends! It would be amazing! Instead here we are waiting outside the Twins about to go kiss Walder Frey’s ass. So tell me, what do you think, is it a good plan?”
Catelyn, “Can you pull it off?”
Robb, “As long as Walder Frey is not a total dick.”
Catelyn, “That’s a big if. Look at your map, if Tywin has his shit together - “
Robb, “Safe assumption.”
Catelyn, “- and reinforcements arrive from King’s Landing before we take the castle, we’ll be caught between Tywin’s army and the sea.”
Robb, “Alright. If we die, we die, but first we’ll live.”
Catelyn, “Fair enough, what have we got to lose?”
Me, “YOUR LIVES!!!”
Catelyn, “Let’s do it. Show them how it feels to lose what they love.”

The Twins!! (No!!! Go away Twins!!!)
The Stark army arrives with Greywind leading the pack.
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Greywind!!!!  Turn back!
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Inside the castle, Walder Frey greets the Starks.
Walder, “My honored guests, I extend to you my hospitality and protection in the light of the seven.”
Everyone:
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Robb, “We thank you for your hospitality my lord.”
Everyone eats whatever gross bread Walder Frey had laying around. 
Starks:
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Walder, “You have entered my home and eaten my food therefore by the Geneva Conventions and all agreed upon laws of war, I am forbidden from harming you in any manner and you are forbidden from harming me. We have a truce for as long as you are in my house and if either of us breaks it let the wrath of the old gods and the new rain down on our heads.”
Robb, “That sounds like an excellent deal. So I’ve come to…”
Walder, “You’ve come to eat crow.”
Robb, “Yep let’s get this over with.”
Robb:
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Robb, “I am sorry Mr. Walder for any pain…”
Walder, “Nope, don’t apologize to me. Apologize to my daughters.” And then he calls out all his daughters and granddaughters to stand in a semi circle like chattel which is humiliating for everyone involved. (And ladies, I feel for you, I do, but we have gotta fix your dos, a center part doesn’t work on anyone!) Then Walder goes down and lists all their names in the weirdest most insane roll call of all time, and their names are fucking nuts, each one crazier than the last. He has ginger twins named Sara and Sarah, which, come the fuck on dude, as if these poor girls haven’t suffered enough.  I’m pretty sure one of them is named Freya, so her name is “Freya Frey.” He gets to the last one and can’t even remember her name and starts guessing.
Walder, “I don’t know, Waldina or some shit?” (Waldina? Really Walder you’re not even trying.)
Merry, “My name is Merry.”
Walder, “Whatever.”
Merry:
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Edmure:
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Walder, “And this is my youngest, though she hasn’t bled yet and apparently you don’t have the patience for all that.”
Robb, “Holy shit are you disgusting. Moving on, my ladies, all men should keep their word, kings most of all, I was pledged to marry one of you and I broke that vow.”
Frey Girls:
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Robb, “The fault is not with you, any man would be lucky to marry one of you.”
Freya:
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Robb, “I didn’t do it because you weren’t great, because all you ladies are.”
Frey Girls:
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Robb, “You all deserve love and happiness like the kind I found. I know I can’t say anything that will make this right, but I hope that within time we can be friends.”
Frey Girls:
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Robb:
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Frey Girls, “It’s like fine.”
And Walder Frey fucking gives him a slow clap for his performance. 
Walder, “Well done, well done. Now you know what I need?”
Everyone, “A vasectomy?”
Walder, “No, I need to be introduced to my new queen.”
Then Walder calls Talisa forward, and I’m assuming Robb had a convo with her warning her of how unpleasant this was going to be, but nothing could have prepared her for Walder Frey publicly and loudly inspecting her body. It’s not worth repeating but suffice to say, it’s disgusting.
Walder:
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Walder, “I’d thought you’d at least try to hide your pregnant belly by standing behind a plant or something.”
Talisa, “Yeah that would have been smart.”
Walder, “No, being smart would be not bringing Talisa in the first place.”
Catelyn, “I know!”
Walder, “You are super hot. Your king says he betrayed me for love, I say he betrayed me for firm tits.”
Everyone, “What is wrong with you?”
Walder:
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Robb’s finally had enough and goes forward to stab Walder and ruin this whole truce and Catelyn puts out her hand and pinches his arm until he steps back.
Walder, “Don’t get me wrong, I respect it. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. When I was your age I would have broke fifty oaths to get into that without a second thought.”
Talisa, “”That?” Really? Come on.”
Walder, “I don’t have enough room for your men, we’ll set up tents outside.”
Robb, with so much venom, “Thank you my lord.”
Walder, claps his hands together, “Well let’s get ready for the wedding, the wine will flow RED and the music will play loud and we’ll all have a grand old time.”
Everyone:
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Yunkai!
Daenerys, “Where are we going again?” And Daenerys does that thing where you pretend to be bad at pool so someone will stand behind you to show you how to do it. Daario knows what’s up and immediately goes up to her and puts his hand over hers.
Daario, “There.” And then they make sex eyes at each other and it’s just like can you two relax for one second, we’re planning a siege.
Daario, “It’s a back gate. My men use it when they visit Yunkai’s bed slaves.”
Jorah, “Oh your “men” use these sex slaves but not you.”
Daario, “I have no interest in slaves, a man cannot make love to property.”
Daenerys, “I am so gonna bone you later.”
Jorah:
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Daario, “This is where we enter the city, they know me, they’ll let me inside.”
Barristan, “Well that’s all well in good but how do we get the other 8,000 soldiers in there?”
Daario, “I kill the guards, and take your two best men and lead them through the back streets.”
Daario:
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Jorah looks at Greyworm, “He’s talking about us.”
Daario, “Then we’ll open the front gates and let the rest of the army in. Once the wall is breached we’ll have the city within hours.”
Jorah, “Or maybe this is all just a trick to kill us, so you can get me out of the way so you can have Daenerys all to yourself. You’ll cut the head off our army and the masters of Yunkai will pay you and you won’t have to split it three ways.”
Daario, “Okay 1. Jealous much? 2. I don’t have to kill you to best you with Daenerys, I just have to take my shirt off.”
Jorah:
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Jorah, “Greyworm, what do you think?”
Daenerys, “Level with me buddy, do you trust him?”
Greyworm, “Goddamnit, but I do. There’s just something about that face.”
Daenerys, “I know right? So that settles it, you guys leave tonight.”
Jorah, “Alright, I”ll go get my fancy armor.”
Barristan, “Jorah, hold up, I want to play sack-the-city too! Let me come along.”
Jorah, “I need you to stay by Daenerys and make sure she’s safe, KTHNX.”
(And guys I honestly think Jorah’s eyes get bluer with each episode.  It feels unnatural. No one’s eyes are that blue. I’m starting to get worried. Should we have someone look into it? Is he sick? What is wrong with you Jorah??)

North of the Wall!
Sam, “I’m leading you to a secret abandoned gate that will let us right through the Wall isn’t that cool?”
Gilly, “How do you know about that?”
Sam,  ”Reading.”
Gilly, “What is that? Tell me more.”
Sam, “Well people write things down and then I read them and now I know them.”
Gilly, “Wow, that’s so cool.”
Sam, “If you are impressed by book learning just stick with me lady. There is more where that came from.”
Gilly, completely genuinely, “You’re like a wizard.”
Sam, “I’ve always wanted to be a wizard!! God we could not be more perfect for each other.” And he smiles a tiny pleased smile! Which everyone hold on to because this is the best moment we’re gonna see all episode.
Then they see the Wall.
Gilly to her unnamed baby, “Our father used to tell us that no Wildling ever looked on the Wall and lived, but here we are alive.” (Okay from here on out Gilly assume anything your father told you is garbage. Also Craster’s psychological manipulations went further than we thought.)

Roadtrip!
Arya and the Hound are still adorably riding sidesaddle together. They come across a pig cart and an old man fixing his wheel.
Hound, “You run off, I’ll hunt you down like Mycah.”
Arya, “Ouch, dark Hound.”
Hound, “You are a tough person to get to obey, now remember our back story. I’m your father, you’re my daughter from my first marriage. We decided to go on a father/daughter bonding trip before you started high school.”
Arya, “Ummm I’m the one who came up with it, I got it.”
The Hound gives Arya the reins.
Pig Guy, “These roads have gone to hell. That’s the problem with the Dark Ages, when all your rulers are violently at war with each other, your infrastructure goes to shit.”
Hound, “Need a hand?”
Pig Guy, “Need about 8 hands to lift this pig cart.”
Hound, “What you mean this pig cart??” As he hulks out and lifts the entire giant thing.
Pig Guy, “Many thanks pal, I gotta make it to the Twins in time for the wedding. You know it’s not often you meet a nice young man -“ And the Hound interrupts him by punching him in the face! He pulls out his sword and Arya runs and jumps in between them and shoves all 9 feet of him with her tiny body. 
Arya, “Don’t do it!!” Arya, like her spirit twin, Brienne,  is not into killing old people on the off chance that they might recognize someone from a tourney. (Also like her brother Jon Snow, she is not cool with killing innocents.)
Hound, “Dead rats don’t squeak.”
Arya, sarcastically, “Yes we are all very impressed by what a big tough man you are.”
Hound, “Why are you being hurtful? I am a big strong man!”
Arya, “Oh please, Jaqen H’ghar could kill you with his little pinkie and not even break a sweat. I roll with some bad motherfuckers. You’d be like a kitten to them.”
Hound, “That him?”
Arya, “No.”
Hound, “Good.”  (Aww Hound, you are not given enough chance to be funny. You got a lolzy streak in there.)
Arya, “What’s he gonna do, tweet, “Hound + Arya lolling at the Twins #unlikelyduo #where’ssansa?” We haven’t invented that yet. Just slip him a forget-me-now and let’s be on our way, enough people die in this episode.”
Hound, “Okay you Starks need to learn that being kind and gentle and trusting is the number one way to get killed around here.”
Aray, “I’m sure we will learn that soon!”
As Pig Guy stirs Arya picks up a log and whacks him over the head with it knocking him back out.
Hound, “Girl does not play.”
Arya, “I do not.”

Woods!
Osha, “So where are we now?”
Rickon:
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Jojen and Bran, “Quick history/geography lesson, we are in the Gift that Bran the Builder gave to the Night’s Watch for sustenance and support. It’s good farmable land but no one lives up here because the Wildlings come over the wall and steal and raid, take our ladies etc., sorry Osha.”
Rickon, “Old Nan said Wildlings turn your skull into a cup and drink your blood from it. Not sorry, Osha.” (Which actually that explains a lot of why Rickon is the way his. If these were his bed time stories, no wonder the kid’s a lunatic.)
Jojen, “There’s a storm coming.”
Bran, “But it’s so sunny - “
And there’s a huge clap of thunder. (Dude hanging out with magic people must get so annoying after a while.)
Osha, “We can drink some blood while we wait, I don’t need much.”
Rickon, “Knew it.”

Wildlings!
Orell comes running over.
Orell, “There’s one old man and eight good horses.”
Jon, “I know that dude, he’s a good guy. He breeds horses for the Watch.”
Ygritte, “It’s just one guy? How is he not robbed constantly?”
Jon, “Because we have laws against that, and the Watch protects him.”
Orell, “Not today, he’s got gold in there from selling horses, let’s do this.”
Jon, “We take the horses and go, the old man’s no threat.”
Ygritte, “He’s super old, killing him is the polite thing to do, consider it nice euthanasia.”
Jon, “Guys this is being a criminal 101. You get a shorter sentence for theft than murder, just leave it. You’re gonna have an assload of crows after you if you do this.”
Giantsbane, “Duh, that’s the plan. Draw them out of their castle. Killing them in the open is easier. Let’s move in folks!”
And everyone starts running and Jon bangs his sword on a rock to scare the horses and warn the old man because Jon just can’t stop himself sometimes. Ygritte’s got her Katniss on and is ready to kill the shit out of the old man with an arrow when Jon calls her name and she misses.  
Ygritte, “Goddamn you.”
(Meanwhile Ghost:
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The Twins!
Arya looks longingly at the Twins where her family is! MY HEART! I CAN’T TAKE IT.
Everyone:
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The Hound is going TO TOWN on some pig feet.
Arya, “No one’s going to believe you’re a hog farmer if you eat them all.”
Hound, “Best part of the animal. Also will you stop being so nervous and sit down?”
Hound:
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Arya, “I’m not nervous.”
Hound, “Yeah you are, you’re afraid they’re gonna move.”
Arya, “I’ve been on my own for almost two full seasons. I’m not afraid of anything.”
Hound, “Yes you are, you’re afraid of success. You’re so close to getting what you want, the closer you get to what you want the worse the fear gets. It’s why people self sabotage, that fear that you can come so far and not make it in the end. I know fear when I see it, and it’s all over your face.”
Arya:
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Arya, “You wanna psychologically terrorize each other about our insecurities? I can play that game. Sansa told me all about how your older brother held your face into a fire when you were kids, and I saw you almost piss yourself when Beric sword lit up. So I got your number too.”
Hound, “What are you gonna do? Light me on fire?”
Arya, “Maybe. I haven’t ruled it out.”
Hound, “Go ahead, kill me, and you might make it there on your own, closest you’ve been to family since Ned got beheaded.”
Arya, “Someday I’m going to put a sword through your eye and out the back of your skull.” And then she just walks away, because she’s bad ass.
Hound, “I think I like you.”


Windmill!
Bran, “How are we gonna get past a magic wall? I can’t walk. How did you do it Osha?”
Osha, “I sailed.”
Bran, “That’s cheating and we don’t have time for that.”
Osha, “So climb the ice.”
Bran, “Even giant’s blood Hodor can’t carry me 700 feet up a direct vertical.”
Hodor, “Bitch of course I can.”
Osha, “Jon did it, and he has no rock climbing experience.”
Hodor, “Guys I’m not loving this thunder. Is it freaking anyone else out? No you’re all cool with this?”
Jojen, “Nineteen castles guard the Wall but only three are manned because the Night’s Watch is a shit show. One of them has a gate we can illegally sneak through.”
Bran, “Those gates were sealed with ice and stone.”
Meera, “Then we’ll have to open them up again.”
Meera looks outside.
Meera, “Oy! There’s a rando rider out there! Uh oh, now more are coming!”
Hodor, “Guys I don’t know about this thunder, it sounds really dangerous.”
Osha, “You need to relax pal.”
Jojen and Meera look at the Wildlings. (Bran and Rickon get up there! See Jon!)
Osha, “Where are the direwolves?”
Bran, “Hunting.”
Hodor, “WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE UPSET ABOUT THE THUNDER!”
Bran, “You need to get a grip.”
Osha:
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Jojen, “If they hear us we are fuuuuucked.”
Bran, “I’m serious Hodor!”
Hodor, “I WILL HODOR AS MUCH AS I WANT TO! I AM TRAPPED IN A SHITTY WINDMILL WITH CHRISTOPHER REEVE, CHILD HIPPIES, A BITCHY WILDLING AND THE MENACE FROM SOUTH CENTRAL. I AM ALLOWED TO HAVE FEARS AND FREAK OUTS OKAY. I AM A HUMAN BEING. DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND THE PAIN OF HODOR???”
Bran:
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Orell, “I think I hear some hodoring.”
Hodor, “HOOOOOODOOOOOO - “
Bran, WARGS INTO HODOR.
Hodor:
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Everyone, “What the fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk was that?”
Bran, in some really lovely acting, “I don’t know shut up leave me alone we all feel weird about it it’s okay lets just never talk about it ever again deal great kthnxbai.”
Rickon, “What is that sound?”
Osha, “A horse dying.”
Everyone, “Awkward.”

Outside! 
They have the old horse-breeding man on the ground in the rain.
Orell, “Did anyone else hear someone say Hodor?”
Giantsbane, “Pretty sure that’s thunder.”
Orell, “Pretty sure I know the difference between thunder and a Hodor.”
Giantsbane, “Pretty sure you’re an idiot.”
Orell, “I could turn into a bird and solve this but I won’t.”
Then the old man pulls a knife and Giantsbane is like, “Oh, aren’t you adorable,” and tosses it aside.
Old Man:
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Orell, “We gotta kill him or he’ll warn the Night’s Watch about us.”
Everyone, “You could just take him hostage?”
Orell:
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Giantsbane, “We’ll I’m never one to turn down a good beheading. You get it old man right?”
Old Man, “It’s like fine.”
Orelly, “You know what would be fun? If we made Jon kill him, to prove he’s one of us.”
Jon, “Fucccccccccccccckkkkkkk.”

Inside!
Jojen, “Hey magic buddy. Why don’t you warg into your wolves outside, tell us what’s going on?”
Bran, “It only happens when I’m asleep! It’s not an exact science.”
Jojen, “You are not living up to your warging potential!”
Bran, “I am okay with mediocrity!”
Jojen, “You warg into a person! That’s fucking insane. You need to step up your game.”

Outside!
Jon draws his sword.
Ygritte, “Oh my god this is like when you had to kill me all over, except this dude is probably not going to be cool with cuddling and boning in  a cave. You need to kill him. Don’t chicken out this time. Please.”
Jon, *nervous*
Orell, “Told ya he was a crow…”
Giantsbane, “Just hurry up.”
Jon, *chickens out*
Ygritte, “Motherfucker must I do everything myself?” And she hits the dude in the heart with an arrow.
Orell, “Crow! Called it! I called it!! He was always a crow and he snaked my girlfriend!!”
Giantsbane, “Goddamnit Jon I really liked you.”
Jon, “I know. I’m sorry.”
Giantsbane:
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And Jon throws Ygritte down, (so she doesn’t die protecting him) and then goes charging into the crowd all fists and elbows and starts killing people right and left. Giantsbane grabs Ygritte before she can get her bow, and you think Giantsbane is going to be all up in Ygritte’s shit but really he just wants to hold her down and then take her out for drinks and give her some tough love.
Giantsbane, “Girl that boy is not on your side, he does not love you, you should not die for him. You gotta love yourself and find someone who loves you.”


Inside!
Jojen, “You need to be warging now Bran!! NOW. NOW. NOW.”
Bram, “Oh my god, fine.” And he wargs into Summer and immediately starts taking out the wildlings attacking Jon!
Summer:
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And it’s super awesome! In a hilariously bad CGI way.  And Jon is still fucking owning it with these Wildlings, because years of training making the Westori fighters better than the Wildling’s come-one-come-all style. And then Jon gets the upper hand on Orell and stabs him in the stomach!!! Fucking finally!! Bye Orell!! It was really cool meeting you! 
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But then you turned out to be a bit of a dick bag, and you died during the Red Wedding episode so no one even remembered it. But before he goes Orell wargs into his gross bird and attacks Jon’s beautiful face!!
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Ewww! They carry disease! They’re just rats with wings!! Get that bird away from your face Jon!!! He finally fights it off, but he has cuts all over himself ! And then he gets on his horse and run away! And he leaves Ygritte behind!! (Which Ygritte, he needs to go to the hospital and get some shots!! He was just attacked by a bird!) But Ygritte is so sad at this epic betrayal. 
Ygritte:
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And Giantsbane just watches her watch him run away.
Giantsbane:
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(Meanwhile Ghost:
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Yunkai!!
Daario, “When the time comes I will whistle the sound of dying giraffe.”
Jorah, “You can do that?”
Daario, “I am an excellent whistler.” (Ugh, of course you are Daario.)
Jorah, “Can you believe this shit?”
Daario approached the gate.
Guard, “WHO GOES THERE?”
Daario, “It is me! Daario!”
Guard, “Oh why didn’t you say so? Get your buns in here girlfriend.”
Greyworm, “Is that a dying giraffe?”
Jorah, “Goddamnit he’s good.”
They go through the gate and see the guards Daaro killed and Daario is chilling on a chair like a motherfucker cleaning off his blade.
Daario, “You can say it. You’re impressed.”
Jorah, “Easy there Rambo, there might be others.”
Daario, “Ehh, we cool,  the Yunkish like to let their slaves do the fighting for them.”
Yunkai army:
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And then they are surrounded on all sides! By so many people ! And there’s a lot of sexy fighting!! 
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 And if this just went on for the next thirty minutes and we skipped the Red Wedding altogether I’d be fine with that!!! And then they back up together into a sexy little triangle.
Jorah, “You said a few?”
Daario, “I lied, sorry about that.” 
Daario:
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Greyworm, “He is even more attractive when he is playful Ser Jorah.”
Jorah, “I CAN SEE THAT GREYWORM.”
And the more Yunkai soldiers start pouring in!! 
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And they:
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Boys!!! I can’t worry about you too this episode! I have too much on my plate!!!


Tents Outside the Twins!
The Stark army are enjoying the shit out of Edmure’s wedding. The kegs are flowing, there’s bare knuckle boxing, and I mean at least someone is having good time. 

Wedding!
Inside Edmure is freaking out waiting for his bride to walk down the aisle, (which, how fucked up are arranged marriages? I can barely handle talking to a stranger, I can’t imagine pledging to spend the rest of my life with one.)
Edmure looks at Catelyn like, “This won’t be too bad right?”
Catelyn, “Nah you’re fucked bro.”
Everything is dark and super tense and uneasy. This is the opposite of a gay summer wedding. I kinda wish Joffrey was there to steal a footstool to lighten the mood. (Who thought Tyrion and Sansa’s marriage would be the feel good wedding of the season?)
They get to the end of the aisle and the bride pulls back her veil…
Roslin:
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Edmure:
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She is totally pretty and Edmure is SO relieved.  (Obligatory pointing out how fucking annoying this all is in a men’s-number-one-fear-about-online-dating-is-that-their-date-will-be-fat kind of way. Be less shallow people! You know what the number one deciding factor of whether or not you find someone attractive is? Proximity. We all want to bone whoever we’re standing next to because we’re weird mammals. This whole “all women have to fit into one narrowly defined ideal of beauty to be bangable/lovable” is a waste of every one’s time and energy.  As Margaery pointed out, everyone’s tastes are different and you can be  4’5” and hideously scarred and still be dead sexy. Men need to catch the fuck up on this. Fuck you Edmure for how fucking relieved you are that your bride is hot. Fuck you Walder Frey for always bitching about ugly and unmarriable your daughters are. Fuck all of this for this even being a plot point.  Fuck everyone.
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)
Roslin, “I hope you find me acceptable.”
Edmure, “You kidding? You’re making me feel insecure.”
Edmure:
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Priest, “You may now cloak the bride and bring her under your protection.”
Robb looks at Walder. 
Walder, “I have hot daughters. Twist. Mwahahahaha, jokes on you!”
Edmure, “Can’t believe I lucked out.”
They are married while Robb and Talisa look lovingly at each other remembering their own wedding. Blackfish looks back at the Frey girls who all make eyes at him, which whatever Blackfish you shouldn’t have been wearing that skirt. 

Windmill!
Meera, “Shouldn’t we turn all the lights off so no one can see us?”
Osha, “Wildlings are a migratory people, we don’t stop and camp. They’ve moved on, trust me.”
Bran, “So you totally called me being able to warg into Summer whenever I want. Are you a psychic or something?”
Jojen, “It doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to figure it out, it’s pretty obvious. People do it all the time north of the Wall. Some people turn into birds.”
Bran, “Gross. Why?”
Jojen, “Don’t know. But you going into Hodor, that is some next level shit.”
Bran, “They don’t do that north of the Wall?”
Jojen, “No one can do that …anywhere.”
Everyone:
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Rickon:
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Bran, “OH BTW, it’s been a few hours but lets bring up the fact that when I was in Summer I saw Jon!”
Rickon, “Who is that again?”
Bran, “Our half brother that mom hated.”
Rickon, “Oh! I loved that dude! What was he doing?”
Bran, “Fighting for the wildlings.”
Rickon, “Well that’s a weird life choice.”
Bran, “Well he was with them but then he wasn’t and then he stabbed that guy from the Office and got attacked by a bird and ran away on this horse and his GF looked supppper pissed about that.”
Rickon, “Dude Jon’s life got complicated.”
Bran, “Right? But at least he finally got laid. Good for him.”
Osha, “If he ran away he’s probably going to Castle Black so we should go there.”
Jojen, “Omg if you say Castle Black one more time.”
Osha, “Castle Black. Castle Black. Castle Black! What are you gonna do? Warg into me? Oh right you can’t do that!”
Jojen, “:(“
Bran, “Castle Black is probably under attack already, from the very same wildlings we just saw! We need to go away from there. Specifically north of the Wall. I got a date with a three eyed raven.”
Osha, “We are very much not doing that. How many times do I have to tell you people about the scary zombies before you believe me?”
Bran, “It’s not that we don’t believe you, it’s just that I became the world’s freakiest puppet master and I need some guidance on this, and something tells me that the only person who can coach me on this is a non verbal bird. Don’t worry I am not asking you to join me on this wild goose chase.”
Osha, “That is honestly a relief.”
Bran, “It won’t be safe for Rickon.”
Rickon, “Bitch speak for yourself! I will be fucking fine. I’m not the one without legs remember!”
Bran, “No, you and Osha and Shaggy Dog need to head for the Umbers, they’re our banner man, they will protect you.” (Which speaking of, where the fuck are you Great Jon? You got your fingers bitten off and yelled awesomely about the King of the North and then disappeared! You are so large, where are you hiding? Come back Great Jon! I miss you!)
Rickon, “The Umbers are a crazy party house and I will have a shit ton of fun with them but I want to stay with you! You are my bro! We are Starks! The only Starks left! We gotta stick together! From womb to tomb! What are you gonna do without me looking out for you?”
Bran, “I’m trying to protect you. Robb is at death war and I’m going beyond the Wall if something happens to us, you’re the heir to Winterfell. We gotta split up. It’s why the President and the Vice President fly in separate planes.”
Rickon, “Am I Joe Biden in this scenario? Because he has always been a hero of mine.”
Bran, “Yes fine you’re Joe Biden.”
Rickon, “You know I always thought I’d make a great king. I’ve already got a lot of ideas.”
Rickon:
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Bran, “Right, Osha, you know how to find the Umbers?”
Osha, “Yes I’ll just follow the trail of red party cups. You southerners build your big castles and you never move. You’re easy to find.”
Rickon, “We are the North! And the North Remembers! And I don’t want to leave my brother! Can’t any Starks be together and happy for any period of time!”
World, “No.”
Osha, “Come here little soldier, you and me are gonna have some adventures.” (Osha how did you know that’s what I most in the world is a show devoted to the adventures of Rickon Stark?)
Bran, “You are really nice to us, this is above and beyond the call of duty.”
Osha, “We live in a harsh and unforgiving world and Robb and Luwin were nice to me when you had no reason to be. So whatever you need me to do, I’m in.”
Rickon, “JUST LET ME STAY WITH MY BRO.”
Osha, “There there. You and the Umbers are going to get along super well. Now let’s pack up our shit and get out of here.”
Bran, “You’re leaving now? It’s the middle of the night?”
Osha, “I think you will find in this series it’s best to just relax and let go. Let’s not drag this out.”
And they hug!
Osha to Jojen and Meera, “Keep Bran safe, he means the world to me.”
Jojen, “I will be the Dickon to his infirm kid from the Secret Garden.”
Meera, “And I will be Mary Lennox.”
Jojen, “I will teach them what a wick is, we’ll be fine.”
Osha, “If I’m being real, not really gonna miss you two.”
Jojen, “Ditto.”
Rickon, *crying.*
Rickon:
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And then under a giant moon Rickon and Osha take off into the great unknown to have untold series of adventures in their quest to find Great Jon Umber and his large, insane family. Goodbye lost prince of Winterfell! I will miss you!


Yunkai!
Daenerys, “I’m worried. Are you worried? Should I text Daario again? I mean if things were good he would answer right? How much texting is too much texting? I don’t want to seem desperate. But I need the city, so that’s not desperate. I’m just checking to see if he got the job done. That’s okay right? You know what I’mma text one more time, “You need some help?” That’s casual right?”
Barristan, “We’re gonna have to take her phone away from her aren’t we?”
Missandei, “Yup.”
Then Jorah and Greyworm come in covered in blood!! Both looking great. (The blood of your enemies is really a great accessory, really makes the eyes pop, I don’t know why more people don’t use it.)
Jorah, “You were right in our strategic planning session that we didn’t show. Going in the back was the best plan, no one knew what was happening until it was too late and all the slave soldiers threw down their weapons when they heard Daenerys, The Breaker of Chains, was outside. God, working for you is just like the coolest job ever. You’re just the best boss I’ve ever had, and your skin’s so soft and you smell so great.”
Greywom, “Play it cool Jorah.”
Greyworm:
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Jorah, “I’m just saying sacking the city was really exciting so like maybe we should hug?”
Daenerys, “Yeah, yeah yeah where’s Daario?”
Jorah:
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And then from behind Jorah comes surprise Daario Naharis! Covered in blood! If you thought he couldn’t get any hotter, you were wrong. And he has a fancy shawl, and he says the words every girl wants to hear:
Daario, “The city is yours my queen.”
Daenerys, “That’s great, now take off your pants.” And they make super sexy eyes at each other and bask in their triumph and how great it’s going to be as they go from city to city conquering and boning like an activist Bonnie and Clyde.
Everyone, “This is awesome.”
Show:
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Seven Devils!
The band is playing a jovial song, (with the drummer from Coldplay making a surprise cameo. Which, why would you want to be a part of this??? Is hanging out with Gwyneth Paltrow that bad that this is what you would rather do instead? Guys, I’m kinda worried about Coldplay’s drummer.)
Everyone’s drinking and gossiping and eating whatever the Freys serve at weddings, Freetos and Faygo I’m assuming. 
Talisa to the Frey next to her, “The band is good aren’t they?”
Catelyn/Everyone, “No they’re terrible they’re archers in disguise that’s the whole point!” (In Talisa’s defense making small talk with a Frey is no easy task.)
Robb is drinking and smiling!! Oh Robb!!! Oh your beautiful face, you son of a bitch. He laughs! 
Me:
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Catelyn and Blackfish are gossiping together. Even Roose is relaxed and having a good time! (Because nothing puts Roose Bolton in a good mood like the whole scale destruction of everyone’s happiness.)
Catelyn, “Remember what a whiny little bitch Edmure was being on the car ride over here? Now look at him. Happy as a clam.”
Blackfish, “I love the kid but he’s a fucking idiot. And nothing is fair in this world so he will be rewarded for his idiocy.”
The waitress goes to serve Roose Bolton and he stops her.
Catelyn, “Come on Roose it’s a wedding, have some champagne.”
Roose, “I never drink. I like to be keenly aware of all the horror around me.”
Blackfish, “Well you are missing out. Also don’t you have some intense connection to the Freys? One that would make you upset with Robb for breaking his engagement? Like say I don’t know you’re MARRIED TO ONE?”
Roose, “Yeah Walder promised me any of his granddaughters and said I could have her weight in silver. So I picked the fattest one.” 
Everyone:
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Catelyn:
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(Roose Bolton, everyone, not shallow, yet still disgusting. (I really wish they had cast someone I didn’t find attractive as Roose. It would make life easier.))
Catelyn, “I hope she makes you fucking happy.”
Roose, “She’s made me very rich. Same thing.”
Blackfish, “I don’t trust the Frey toilets. I’m gonna go find a tree outside to piss on.” Yes, Blackfish get out of there!!! (You better fucking be alive next episode Blackfish. I swear to god.)
Robb, “My mom’s alone with Roose Bolton. I should rescue her.” (Oh Robb! Just when I couldn’t love you anymore you offer to rescue someone from a shitty relative at a family gathering, that is literally all I’m looking for in a mate.)
Talisa, “You’re mother is less in need of rescuing than any woman I’ve ever met.” (Talisa!! Look at your recognizing Catelyn’s badassery!)
Robb, “You should be nice, I think she’s finally coming around on you.”
Talisa, “True, but if Catelyn had her way I’d be in Volantis playing my harp and you’d be up there eating out of Roslin Frey’s hand.” (WELL YEAH TALISA CAUSE THAT ACTUALLY IS SO MUCH MORE PREFERABLE TO WHAT HAPPENS.)
Robb, “Perhaps I’ve made a terrible mistake.”
The entire world:
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Talisa playfully goes to punch him.
Robb, “Striking your king is an act of treason.”
Talisa, “God, you are so cute when you’re all flirty.”
Robb, “I know.” And then he goes to make out with her.
Talisa, “No, don’t kiss me, don’t insult them.”
Everyone:
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Walder, “Your Grace! With your kingly permission we will now strip down the and groom and throw them in a room together.”
All the Freys start chanting, “Bed! Bed! Bed!” which is a terrifying image. 
Robb, “If you think the time is right, let’s get this over with.”
Edmure, “Oh this is fun.” All the men go and grab the girl, (which isn’t that your relative? Gross Freys, gross.)
They all grab Edmure who is having the time of his life. 
Edmure:
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Edmure, “Careful ladies, once you set him free there’s no caging him again.”
Everyone:
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Catelyn, “Sucks to be that girl.”
Roose, “Yep, sucks to be all girls, but I’m sure you endured your bedding with grace.”
Catelyn, “Yeah like Ned would ever participate in anything so gross. He said it wouldn’t be right if he broke a man’s jaw on his wedding night.” (UGH Catelyn!! I want more fun Ned tidbits! Don’t go! *sobs*)
Roose, “Good you Starks are boring.” Then he gives the shittiest little smile and laugh and walks away. 
Talisa and Robb watch the bride and groom be dragged out of the hall.
Talisa, “Why is this happening?”
Robb, “It’s tradition.”
Talisa, “That makes sense, a lot of terrible things get passed down generation to generation under the guise of “it’s tradition.” Most traditions were started in patriarchal cultures and should be cast aside as we evolve.”
Robb, “No see you don’t get it, we do this so we can make sure they really have sex.”
Talisa, “My point exactly. But there are other ways of providing proof.” Then she wraps her hand around her stomach, very publicly and very obviously.
Robb, “So what does it feel like, boy or girl?”
Talisa, “Could be anything. But, if it’s a boy I know what we should name him.”
Me, “JON!”
Talisa, “Eddard.”
Me, “Okay, that’s better.”
Robb’s face, “I love you.”
Talisa, “Don’t you want to teach little Ned Stark how to drive horses.”  (Yes!! Do that!! Talisa, fake a headache! Get out of there you two! Go buy a two level in the Riverlands! Raise little Ned Stark together! Robb you can get a job coaching sword fighting at a local high school, Talisa can get a job as a nurse. You guys can be the Taylors of Westoros! You never wanted the Iron Throne anyway! Just go settle down and be happy! Living well is the best revenge!) (Here is where the drinking really began.)
And then they throw caution to the wind and begin making out, and I’d yell at them for not being smart but everything that’s gonna happen was gonna happen anyway, so grab your happiness where you can you two. Catelyn watches them with a little bit of a smile and this is the last time that anyone will ever feel warm again. Then a Frey goes and closes the doors of the main hall.
Me:
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My stomach is in knots and there’s not enough whisky in the apartment to get through the next eight minutes so hold on to your butts. 
And then the band starts playing the Rains of Castamere.
Catelyn:
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Catelyn loses it as soon as it starts, BECAUSE YEAH, what possible reason is there to play this at a wedding?  The song it’s so creepy and so intense!!

In a coat of gold or a coat of red, 
A lion still has claws, 

And mine are long and sharp, my lord, as long and sharp as yours
But now the rains weep o’er his hall,with no one there to hear.

Roose:
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(Also way to have a fucking soundtrack to a massacre! The musicians are actually soldiers so they would have had to learn the sheet music! This had to be Roose’s touch, that kind of pre-planning could only come from a Bolton. (I have a coworker who listened to Rains of Castamere on repeat all of Monday and Tuesday which is fine if that’s her grieving process but if I never hear that song again I would be fine with it.)) 


Outside!
Greywind!!! Is so sad in his little hut!!!!! And the Stark men are having a jolly good time.The Hound approaches the gate of the castle in his pig cart, and Arya is SO CLOSE TO HER FAMILY and everyone’s so excited for them to be reunited and be all:
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This is what really hurts the most of all of this. (Real quick my Red Wedding Story: I was Christmas shopping for my little sister and had just read where Arya is about to meet up with everyone at the Twins and was in a super good mood and texted my roommate something to the effect of, “Getting in the subway, Arya’s about to meet her family, I’m so happy, it’s Christmastime and the Starks are going to be together, la la la!” He immediately tried to call me to tell me not to read it on the subway but it was too late. I almost threw my book at a man sitting across from me on the train. Literally:
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I remember wandering through my transfer at Times Square in a daze wanting to grab people by the lapels and yell at them “ROBB IS DEAD!! DEAAAD!! They’re all DEADDDDDDDDDDD!!!”  As soon as I got out of the subway I called my friend and he put me on speaker while I ranted and raved screaming down Amsterdam avenue like a maniac. I said I was going to build a funeral pyre to Robb and put the book on it and throw myself on top of it, I said I wanted to tear the book in half but couldn’t because it was 1000 pages long, and I was going to start doing push ups just so I could get to a point where I could. I went to sushi with my friend and was like, “I’m sorry I can’t really have a conversation, things happened in a book.” And my friend who I had dinner with is now watching the show and remembers that night and was like “THAT is what you were so upset about? That makes sense.”) 
Guard, “Where you going?”
Hound, “Got some bacon for the feast.”
Guard, “We don’t want any, the feast is over.”
Hound, “Bullshit, everybody loves bacon and I can still hear that creepy song so obviously it’s not over.” And all of the Frey men are running inside and Arya figures out something is up in 2.5 seconds. (UGH Robb! If you had Arya with you this whole time none of this would have happened!!!!)
Guard, “We don’t want any. Go away.”
Hound, “You sure you don’t want any pigs feet? They’re mighty tasty.”
Guard, “Have you gone retarded? Get out of here.”
Hound, “Alright, let’s go Ary- goddamnit.”

Inside!
Frey puts his hand up and stops the terrible music. Everyone sits down and Catelyn sits back down next to Roose. And everything is so tense and terrible! 
Me:
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Walder, “Your grace, I feel I’ve been remiss in my duties. I’ve given you meat and wine and music but I haven’t shown you the hospitality you deserve. “
Me:
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Walder, “I didn’t even get get a wedding present for my new queen.”
Me:
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Catelyn looks at Roose completely distressed AND ROOSE FUCKING SMIRKS AT HER.
Me:
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Roose looks at his arm daring her to take a look, because it’s already in motion now, what’s she gonna do? Fucking Boltons I swear to fucking god.
Me:
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And then Catelyn pulls his sleeve back and sees that Roose is wearing a bullet proof vest under his tuxedo and she knows shit is fucked up and he SMIRKS AT HER. I mean we need to talk about this shit head’s face:
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Look at the levels of sass just rolling off him. WHAT.
Catelyn:
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Catelyn SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE FACE SO HARD HE FALLS OUT OF HIS CHAIR. And then Roose goes and ducks himself off stage for the rest of the fight until he pops back up at the last minute. You Boltons and your fucking theatrical torture. I can’t with you.
Catelyn, “ROBB!” 
Everyone:
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But it’s too late!!!! And then Lothar Frey pops up from nowhere and stabs Talisa repeatedly in the stomach!!
Everyone:
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Jesus.
Fucking.
Christ.
Everyone:
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(Which people are very divided about this change, but I will say watching it a room of mixed book readers and show watchers, everyone screamed when this happened which I think made for a better collective viewing experience than if the book readers had been sitting there silently while everyone we loved was murdered. (And as someone who frantically looked for any clues that Jeyne might be pregnant and hung on to them for dear life, I kinda did need it spelled out for me that the Robb Stark line was done, in every sense.
Me:
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And then the band whips off their disguises! 
Everyone:
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And they’re not musicians or members of Coldplay at all! They’re secret archers! And they start filling the room with crossbows and one hits ROBB IN THE SHOULDER WITH AN ARROW.
Everyone:
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(When he got hit in the books I started having a panic attack and I skipped to the last sentence of the chapter to see if he lived because I couldn’t handle it and I got Catelyn’s death and then had to go back and read the rest through a sea of tears.)
And then it’s just a slaughter and the Freys murder all of the Stark men still in the banquet hall and Talisa stands up.
Everyone:
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And Robb falls and collapses.
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And Catelyn takes an arrow and falls.
Everyone:
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(You know how Lena Headley’s new movie is about a world where one night a year all crime is legal. That’s what this feels like.) And Frey watches all the destruction and SMILES he fucking SMILES.  And keeps drinking!!!!! 
Everyone:
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Outside!
And outside Arya goes and tries to find a way inside so she can be with her family!
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Then some Frey men go and approach a table of carousing Stark men. Frey Men,  ”Oh hi are you from Winterfell?” 
Stark Men, “Indeed we are.” And Arya SMILES BECAUSE SHES FINALLY BACK WITH HER PEOPLE. 
Me:
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Then the Freys laugh and start STABBING PEOPLE IN THE NECK.
Everyone:
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And Arya’s face just crumples!!!!!!
Everyone:
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And she hides still as a stone while the Frey troops start murdering all the drunk Stark men! It’s anarchy.
The Hound:
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Arya sees Greywind trying to get out and runs to him , and like my lovely followers, I legitimately thought for a second they were gonna have her let him out. I was so wrapped up I forgot what happened in the books and was like, “Greywind can live! It will be fine.” But no the Freys show up and surround his cage and it takes five of them to put him down and they shoot him full of arrows!! 
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THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. You do not kill an innocent beautiful animal like that!! 
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And Greywind falls and makes heartbreaking eye contact with Arya before he dies.
Greywind:
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No Greywind!! Come back!!!
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And poor Arya!!!!!!! Has to watch all of this!! And she’s goes to run into the hall to try and save her family.
Me:
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Hound, “It’s too late.” And knocks her over the head and carries her like a sack of potatoes away. She was so close!!! She didn’t even get to say goodbye!!
Everyone:
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Inside!
There’s just not enough whiskey in the world for this. Not enough. 
Catelyn climbs under a table to avoid the arrows. Robb stands up with TWO ARROWS IN HIM.
Everyone:
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Walder, “The King in the North arises.” FUCK OFF WALDER.
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And Robb climbs over to Talisa and puts his hand on her belly and he is destroyed and we are all destroyed and as my younger sister said “at this point I wanted him to die because I didn’t want him to have to live without his wife and baby.”
Everyone:
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And Walder is enjoying this so much.
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And then Catelyn gets awesome. She sees Walder Frey’s wife cowering under the head table and she grabs a knife and grabs the Frey girl by THE HAIR! And holds a knife to her throat!!! 
Catelyn:
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Walder, “You wouldn’t.”
Catelyn:
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Catelyn, “Lord Walder, enough. Let it end. Please he is my son. My first son.”
Everyone:
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Catelyn, “Let him go and I swear we will forget, I swear by the old gods and the new.”
Walder, “You already swore me one oath, here in my castle, you swore by all the gods your son would take one of my daughters for a wife.”
Catelyn, “Tough shit cupcake! He married someone else. That is the way the cookie fucking crumbled. So sack up and learn to roll with the punches!”
Catelyn:
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Walder, “I won’t.” (Which Walder, can we rap for a bit? You are a million years old! You are gonna die any second and you want the last act that you will be remembered for is being damned by all gods and men for violating the sacred laws of hospitality? Really that’s how you wanna go out? Really?
Me:
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Catelyn, “Take me for a hostage! Just let my son go!”
Jesus.
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Walder, “Even if I wanted to, it’s too late for any of that.”
While all this is going on Robb is slowly breaking down over Talisa.
Everyone:
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And the sheer agony on his face, good fucking god.
Everyone:
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Catelyn, “Robb! Get up!” 
Everyone:
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Catelyn, “Get up and walk out! Please! Pleaaase!” (Jesus Christ, Michelle Fairley is gut wrenching here, this is more fucking brutal than I could have imagined.)
Everyone:
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Catelyn, “Let him get up and go!”
Walder:
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Catelyn, “On my honor as a Tully and on my honor as Stark let him go or I will cut your wife’s throat.”
Walder:
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And Robb stands.  HE STANDS.
Everyone:
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And the music builds.
Walder, “I’ll find another.”
Walder:
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Robb, “Mother.” 
Everyone:
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And then Roose Bolton pops up!! Out of nowhere!
Everyone:
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Roose:
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Roose, “The Lannisters send their regards.”  
And then he stabs Robb in the stomach!!! Roose!!! You bastard!!!
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Everyone:
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Catelyn, “Most Agonizing Scream In The History Of Screams!!!”
Everyone:
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The pure anguish!! On her face!
Everyone:
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And she cuts the girl’s throat and then sags completely defeated, a creature of grief and dust, and she stands there for an agonizingly long beat. 
Everyone:
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Then a soldier comes up behind her and cuts her throats. 
Everyone:
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And that’s the end.
FADE TO BLACK. 
Everyone:
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And there’s no music over the credits.
Everyone:
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Holy.
Fucking. 
Shit. 
There are episodes of television and then there’s whatever the fuck this was. (Also this is why I refer to Book Three as, ”A Storm of My Heart Has Been Ripped Out If I Ever Meet George R.R. Martin In A Dark Alley I’m Going To Slap The Shit Out Of His Face And He’ll Be Like “What Was That For?” And I’ll Be Like “YOU KNOW” And He’ll Be Like James McAvoy in Atonement “Yes I Know Exactly” And Then I Will Hold Him Hostage Like Kathy Bates In Misery Until He Writes Me An Alternate Ending For The Next Three Books Because Holy Everlasting Shit What the Fuck Was He Thinking? Winter Came And I Fucking Hated It … of Swords.”)
Meanwhile:
Tywin:
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Roose Bolton:
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 The North:
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And as for you Walder Frey.
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The End!
I feel like there are stages of grief to go through with the Red Wedding, first denial and hoping there’s some way they’re still alive.
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Then the pain and anguish of losing Robb’s beautiful abs.
Then anger and wanting to burn down George RR Martin’s house, (which I was in the anger stage for a looong time, most of which coming from the fact that Robb was killed by the Fucking Freys. At least let him be killed by Jaime or Tywin. Give him a heroes death! And yeah I get that that’s the whole point, but still.) 
Then depression and wondering what is even the point of the series if you can’t root for Robb to win the Iron Throne.
Then the upward turn of realizing that you still have Arya and Jon and Tyrion and Daenerys and The Queen of Thorns and Varys and Bronn and Jaime and Brienne and Daario (hello Daario) and Sam.
Then reconstruction when you realize that the story can continue without them and still be compelling.
Then finally acceptance and begrudging respect and wishing that more shows you watched had the guts to drive their stories off a cliff every now and again. 
 It’d be like if Mad Men knew they had three seasons left and killed Don Draper. It’s like if Christopher Nolan killed Batman in the Dark Knight and was like, “I’m still gonna make the Dark Knight Rises.” It’d be like killing Ted on How I Met Your Mother right before they announce who the mother is. There’s something to be said for not treating your characters as precious things, for being willing to throw them aside and keep going. Some stories aren’t meant to last forever, and that’ s okay. I’ve told my friends I’ll start watching Girls as soon as they start killing main characters. Give me huge fucking stakes and giant ballsy plot twists or give me nothing! 

I also have to say I’m obsessed with how deeply unspoiled this was. It’s like everyone got together and silently agreed, “No, we’re not gonna tell anyone that.” Which is a very mean thing to do! I’ve been yelled at by people for not warning them, which I feel never happens in this day and age. But it wasn’t spoiled for me and I was a late adopter of the books and an internet fiend. (I’ve had every major plot point on Mad Men spoiled for me and I don’t even watch that show. (I had Downton Abbey spoiled for me reading an article about women’s health, (which come on people! It wasn’t even about TV!)) So great job to everyone who kept it a secret for thirteen years. Great job to HBO for having the balls to fucking go for it. Great Job George RR Martin for going there in the first place. How often does fiction pull something as big as this off? For as traumatic as it is, it’s also kinda thrilling.

Before we go let’s all raise a glass to to the departed.
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Robb was always my favorite.  At the beginning he won by default because Jon was so emo and Jaime was fucking his sister but then around the time he married someone by mistake and got all gaunt and started beheading people and Greywind was all blood thirsty I really fell in love. He was the only one who ever put Tywin on the run! He was moral and cocky in a teenage boy kinda way and tried to right some pretty serious wrongs and failed spectacularly but I love that he tried. He never lost his sense of honor and justice no matter what happened to him, which is what makes him admirable but also doomed. He never got the memo that in the world they live in, it’s play or be played, it’s why Cersei is always ready to rip someone’s throat out at a moments notice. It’s why Littlefinger doesn’t think twice about handing Ros over to Joffrey, it’s why Jaime saying, “I trust you to Brienne,” was such a huge deal. Because:
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Not your banner men, not you boss, not your family, no one. And Robb never fully understood that, even after Ned had his head chopped off, because he was just a kid who was raised super privileged in both wealth and in having a supportive, moral family to guide him. He was a babe in the woods. A beautiful, sexually mature, babe in the woods. He would have been the best thing to happen to the Seven Kingdoms but he never stood a chance. Goodbye Richard Madden. You were perfectly cast and we will miss your face dearly.  As my friend said, “I didn’t know one face could have so many cheekbones.” 
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George RR Martin how could you? (Also why didn’t you name Jon as heir!!!!! Why must you crush all of my hopes and dream show!)  
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You had a rough go with the audience since you made Jon Snow so sad, but you were a bad ass lady and an awesome mother (except to Jon) and you were dead right about so many things. I’m sorry the world was so shitty to you, and I am eternally grateful to you for giving us Jaime and Brienne. (I’d say more but:
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)
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I still think the story line in the books was better and more affecting. I understand they wanted a super romantic subplot but I think they whiffed the writing of it. People were more concerned about you being a honey pot than they were with you guys being together. But it’s not your fault Oona Chaplin, you did a great job. I wish you had been given more to do.
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You were a bad ass little guy! I wish Robb was actually a werewolf and could have turned into you sometimes! We didn’t get to see a lot of you because CGI is expensive but you were Robb’s pal and protector and you ate Jon Umber’s hand when he was being a dick and you made Jaime Lannister almost shit himself. 
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You were awesome, and you deserved a better death than the one you got. You should have gotten free and taken down a few Frey’s with you!! (Spend the money HBO!! Add one less character to True Blood and give me awesome direwolves moments!) We miss you Greywind!! Already!!

(And for all those feeling like the Stark cause is lost and there’s nothing to root for and it’s all hopeless remember the motto:
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In the words of Bruce Springsteen, no retreat, baby, no surrender.)


Finally here are some baby meerkats for everyone:
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Next Week!
There’s been a lot of speculation about what’s going to be in the finale, Castle Black? Purple Wedding? Lady Stoneheart? At this point I have no idea what’s going to be included, but I know what I want to see, and that’s Cersei and Loras’ Wedding.
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Drunk marries gay! Literally my two favorite things.
Just this:
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And this:
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If the entire episode is Cersei getting shitfaced and Loras boning hot dudes it will go down as my favorite finale of any show ever. Give it to me Game of Thrones! I need it after everything we’ve been through! 

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