"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "
Recap: Episode 4, Season 2
Previously: Sam and Jon having a loving healthy relationship, The complete and total emotional destruction of Theon Greyjoy, Thimble giving, Almost gay sex, Baptisms, Beard cuts, Riddles, Alas poor Yoren we knew him well, Jedi mind-tricks, Children being stabbed in the throat, etc. etc.
It’s pouring in the middle of the night and we’re listening to the witty repartee of some Lannister soldiers, which is like listening to Duke lacrosse players in a locker room after a game. They’re playing Fuck/Marry/Kill with all the men in Westoros.
Lannister Soldier 1: “You’d want to marry the Mountain right? He’s so big and strong, he’d make you feel small and delicate.”
Lannister Soldier 2: “But what about Jaime? He’s got those blue eyes and that long blond hair. I certainly wouldn’t kick him out of bed.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “Oh that’s right! I forgot about Jaime, he is a piece.”
Lannister Soldier 2: “But there’s also Loras Tyrell. Now there’s someone who knows his way with a sword and I bet he’d help me update my wardrobe.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “Yeah but Loras is already engaged to Renly.”
Lannister Soldier 2: “Doesn’t mean we can’t be together in my imagination! God, you take all the fun out of this.” (Boys, the answer is Jon/Robb/Joffrey.)
Horses: “I am not happy right now.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “The horses are being funny.”
Lannister Soldier 2: “They’re just stupid horses getting scared by silly little shadows. Shadows man! That’s definitely nothing to be scared of, I mean who would ever possibly get scared of a shadow, that’s never hap-”
Lannister Soldier 1: “Thanks Freddy Foreshadowing and can you keep it down, I think there’s something on the wing.”
Lannister Soldier 2: “What are you going on about? Let me go investigate.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “Shhh, listen closely don’t you hear it?”
Lannister Soldier 2: “Hear what?”
Lannister Soldier 1: “Wait for it…”
Lannister Soldier 2: “This is really tense right now.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “FART!” Oh, war!
Lannister Soldier 1: “Ha Ha Ha! You should have seen your face! You were so serious! Oh I can’t believe you fell for it! You almost attacked my fart with your sword! L.O.L. Wait till I tell the guys about this one! We’re gonna retell this story for weeks!”
Lannister Soldier 2: “You are such an asshole you know that?”
Lannister Soldier 1: “You were all “Who goes there?!” and it was just my smelly gas!”
Lannister Soldier 2: “There’s definitely something out there.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “You can’t get me back right away suuucka!”
Lannister Soldier 2: “No I’m serious.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “Taking a piss! Not falling for it!”
Lannister Soldier 2: “LOOK OUT!”
Nymeria Grey Wind: “BITING YOUR FACE.”
ROBB!!! You’re back!! And you’re wet! Thank god.
Stark Army: “The King in the North!”
Me: “THE KING IN THE NORTH!”
Lannister Robb’s Camp!
Lannister Soldier 1: “Intestines Everywhere.”
The camp is filled with the dead and dying and Robb is walking around taking stock. (I realize all I do is talk about how attractive Richard Madden is but this is outrageous. He’s covered in shit and dirt but his blue eyes sparkle so much in this scene he might as well be a White Walker amiright?
And then we meet: Roose Bolton!
Likes: Hans Gruber, Hannibal Lecter, Iago, Colonel Kurtz, Hans Landa, Kevin Spacey in Seven, Leatherface, Amon Goeth, Palpatine, Buffalo Bill, Leeching etc.
Dislikes: The Geneva Conventions, The health and well being of others, My happiness
Everyone, “Looting corpses!”
Roose, “We killed five Lannister men for every one of ours. You are kind of a child prodigy at this war stuff.” (I didn’t know who this was at first and just assumed it was Roose Bolton based entirely on the actor’s deeply unsettling, smoothly silk-like voice.)
Robb, “Thanks, I guess.”
Roose, “So we don’t have that much food, I mean we have some but not enough if we want seconds so we’ll just kill everyone who’s still alive.”
Robb, “No. No. Let’s not do that.”
Roose, “You misheard me, I obviously meant we will torture them terribly to find out what they know about Tywin’s plans of course.” (Michael McElhatton seriously what is even your voice? It sounds like it was aged in a oak barrel for ten years and poured over ice.) “As my family always says, “Naked men are degraded and embarrassed enough but once you start taking their skin off, that’s when the fun really starts.” The holidays at our house get…intense.”
Robb, “Oh, I know. You would think “don’t skin people alive” would be an unspoken rule, but my father had to outlaw flaying in the north because your family is so weird with that shit.”
Roose, “Well yeah, but the great thing is we’re not in the north so it could be a 24/7 flaying party around here….I mean… if we wanted…I could invite…”
Robb, “We are not going to slowly remove large chunks of skin from people in whole pieces and that’s final. Why are you making me say this?”
Roose, “I’m pretty messed up.” (Honestly Roose, it is so hard to concentrate when you talk because your voice is like velvet if velvet was made out of butter.) “Look not treating people like skin dispensers is fun and all but just try convincing your army of that.”
Robb, “If we start to flambe people or whatever weird shit you wanna do it will give the Lannister’s an excuse to hurt my sisters, so this a nonstarter.” (Uhhh Robb, the Lannisters don’t really need an excuse to do that. “It’s 3 PM and I’m sober” is usually enough of a reason for them to terrorize Sansa.)
Roose, “Well that’s….disappointing….”
Then Robb sees someone in need and just:
And we meet nurse lady!
Lannister Man, “My leg! My leg!”
Talisa, “The rot’s set in, so it’s coming off. Now.”
Lannister Man, “Wait! Let’s get a second opinion! I’ll go home, take some aspirin see if it goes away! Let’s not jump to the whole “cutting my leg off thing!””
Talisa, “Nah, I’m just gonna take it off.”
Lannister Man, “Don’t I have to sign a release? Maybe wait a few hours? I’ve eaten recently! Isn’t that bad before surgery?”
Robb, “I believe my raw physical strength could be of service here.”
Lannister Man, “Please don’t! I need my foot! For things! It’s like Tyrion said, the only time being a cripple doesnt matter is if you’re rich and I’m not rich!”
Robb, “Here bite down on this.”
Roose, “Uh, guys, you realize you’re working on a Lannister right? Why don’t you leave him be and go tend to some Stark men and I’ll go get my special flaying knife…”
Robb, “You’re not getting any skin today will you leave it?”
Talisa, “Self righteous things.”
Robb to man, “Trust me, you are not gonna wanna see this.” And then Robb watches Talisa as she saws the man’s leg off with all this FEELING in his big blue eyes and he’s already picturing how it’s going to go at dinner parties: Person, “You two are so cute, how’d you meet?” Robb, “Well she was on the bottom end of this guy chopping his feet off and I was on the top end of him holding him down and shoving my gloves into his mouth and you know it’s like they say, “When it’s right, it’s right.”“ (Also is forced limb removal what you’re into Robb? Because that’s …. not necessarily a deal breaker.)
Jeyne Talisa loads the dude up on a cart and then sends it on it’s very bumpy way. At least give the dude some morphine for that ride, or vicodin, “Milk of Poppy, ” whatever. Robb’s like, “So she’s currently not holding any severed limbs is now when I make my move or….” Then Talisa sees Robb looking at her and is just:
Then she storms away from him to start gathering her things. (Okay I’m sorry: dragons, wolf dreams, shadow babies whatever this scene right here is the most unbelievable in the whole series. Nobody is dissing Mr. Blue Eyes McCheekbones like that. I don’t care how many of your family members he just killed, you’d still be like, “Sure let’s grab a drink and talk through this.”)
Robb, “Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.”
Talisa, “My name’s Talisa.”
Robb, “And your last name would be….”
Talisa, “Trying to find out if I’m on your side?”
Robb, “No I just want to make sure we aren’t related. It is like a problem around here.”
Talisa, “Remember how you just helped me cut that boys foot off?”
Robb, “Yes, it happened two minutes ago.”
Talisa, “That was 100% your fault.”
Robb, “Self righteousness and a guilt trip? You are hitting all of my Stark buttons. Look, if it were up to me I’d be in Winterfell right now playing X-Box with Theon and Jon and Bran.”
Talisa, “And Rickon?”
Robb, “Who? I’m only out here killing people because the Lannisters went ape shit on my family last season. They defenestrated my brother.”
Robb, “I know, fucked up right?”
Talisa, “And that boy with the peg leg, he did what to your family?”
Robb, “Well the people he fights with - “
Talisa, “You think he’s friends with King Joffrey?”
Robb, “Maybe, I don’t know his life.”
Talisa, “He’s just a wee baby, he probably never held a sword before and now he’s out here getting his limbs hacked off by me. I am very upset about this.”
Robb, “Yeah, so am I. It’s called “The Psychological Toll of War.” We’re all going to need some serious counseling.”
Talisa, “Well that should help his foot grow back.”
Robb, “We live in an incredibly violent medieval society. I don’t really know what to tell you? I didn’t invent the rules of the game I just have to play by them.”
Talisa, “Walks over to load up another cart.”
Robb, “So you want me to just surrender then? Then Joffrey can just chop off all of our dad’s heads.”
Talisa, “And you’re going to kill Joffrey?
Robb, “That is the basic plan, yes.”
Talisa, “And then what?”
Robb, “Well….then I’ll get my sisters and my mother and my father’s bones and we’ll go back to Winterfell and try to heal as best we can from the damage that’s been done to us over the past few months. Sure it’s not a lot but it’s the best happy ending I can hope for. I don’t want to be King of Anything…Well just of the North…mostly cause it sounds really cool.”
Talisa, “So who will be King?”
Robb, “I don’t know. Tyrion, Renly, Jon, Arya, Gendry, Daenerys, Varys, Jaime, Hot Pie? Literally anyone but Joffrey would be an improvement.”
Talisa, “So you fighting this massive war and you have no idea what the end game is?”
Robb, “I’m 17 lady, not Henry Kissinger. My lack of political cunning compared to others in this series is actually one of my more redeeming qualities.”
Talisa, “Well I’m out. Cart me away!”
Robb, “Wait! Seriously? You’re just going to leave? You don’t want to run your fingers through my hair to see what it’s like? Or have me sit for an oil portrait so you can paint me? Like people normally do? At least tell me where you’re from.”
Talisa, “Across the narrow sea.”
Robb, “Then why don’t you have an accent?”
Talisa, “I didn’t really think through my cover story.”
Robb, “The boy was lucky you were here.”
Talisa, “He was unlucky you were.”
Robb, “I have the weirdest boner right now.”
Recap: Episode 3, Season 2
Previously: Reshuffling of the cabinet, Infanticide (again), No Robb, Greyjoy weirdness, Unconsummated sex between siblings, Gendry being the best character in the history of ever, Discussions of how you shit when you die, Sam getting a crush, Theon getting denied, Just generally complicated sexual politics, etc.
Picking up right where we left off, Craster drags Jon into his house waking everyone up in the middle of the night and unceremoniously kicking the Night’s Watch from his incest compound.
Craster, “I am very upset with Jon right now! I thought we had something! There’s no way a feeling that intense was one-sided! I had all these fantasies! He was going to stay here and we were going to raise my daughter/wives together! But it turns out he’s a snooping good for nothing! l feel more betrayed than Rachael Leigh Cooke when she found out Freddie Prinze Jr. was just pretending to date her to win a bet!”
Jon, “Sexily spits blood out of his mouth.” How does being covered in open wounds make you more attractive Kit Harrington? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Stannis Baratheon -> Mitt Romney
Rich, old, boring, white men who are always in a bad mood. Both have weird religious beliefs that make everyone uncomfortable. Even people who know that they should vote for them don’t want to. Possibly a robot.
Robb Stark -> Barack Obama
Like Robb wouldn’t run a positive, hope-filled campaign with the catchphrase, “Yes We Can.” A video of him singing Al Green would totally find it’s way online and have every person in the Seven Kingdoms’ swooning.
Renly Baratheon -> Joe Biden
Dude just wants to take the Amtrak train from Delaware to D.C. everyday, drink some buds, and have a good time. He might misspeak sometimes but you can’t hate him if you wanted to. Both dance around to Beyonce when alone in their bedrooms.
Viserys Targaryen -> Rick Perry
Has no problem killing 234 people, is less than the shadow of a snake. This.
Robert Baratheon ->John McCain
Was a totally hot, super fighter back in the day and had it going on there for a while but let old age, a shitty small council and the pressures of power push him off the rails.
Daenerys Targaryen -> Hillary Clinton
Blond ladies that were dicked over by the men in their lives. Both have to spend a lot of their time explaining to the media why “powerful woman” and “bitch” are not synonyms.
Mance Rayder -> Ron Paul
Former member of the military who is now the fringe leader of a ragtag group of independent thinkers. Has 0% chance in succeeding.
Balon Greyjoy -> Newt Gingrich
Old, white, angry, egomaniacs who overestimate their abilities and are shitty to their loved ones. Both hate jewelry and Newt’s the kind of guy who’s favorite animal would be a squid.
Joffrey Baratheon -> Rick Santorum
Scary, megalomaniacs who spend all their time screaming at everyone from the hole of anger in their chests where their heart should be. A real life incarnation of a Hunter S. Thompson, LSD-induced nightmare. Yup.
Tommen Baratheon -> Hermain Cain
Likes pizza, doesn’t know where Libya is.