A Song of Ice and Lolz

"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "


Contact: asongoficeandlolz@gmail.com

Recent Tweets @
Posts tagged "Game of Thrones"

King’s Landing! The Sept!
Margaery walks down the aisle in her amazing gown with her insane perm and she looks fantastic. Her dress is covered in thorns which is thematically appropriate for Highgarden, but also a great defensive garment when you’re marrying a sociopath. (The Tyrells really think of everything.) Joffrey also looks stunning, can’t hate.
Joffrey:
image
The priest wraps their hands together, tying them in a literal knot.
Priest, “House Tyrell, House Lannister and House Baratheon are one heart, cursed be he who would tear them asunder.”
Everyone in the audience, “Awkward coughing.”
Joffrey, “With this kiss, I pledge my love.”
And then they make out in a way that makes everyone uncomfortable.
Everyone, “I always thought he was kinda sexless?”
Sansa, “Looks like we have a new queen now.”
Tyrion, “1. Don’t let Cersei hear you say that. 2. Better her than you.”
Joffrey, “Okay, Margaery and I are going to go do some photos, but we’d love for you to join us all for cocktail hour followed by the reception. So if you could all go outside, there are shuttles waiting to take you to the next location, and everyone please remember the hashtag for the weekend is #purplewedding, so tag the pictures you post appropriately, I don’t want to miss anything!”

Cliffs!
Tywin seeks Olenna out! (Which I love! You got a crush papa Lannister! (If all the Lannisters are marrying Tyrells, why can’t you two get married!))
Tywin, “Bit much wouldn’t you say?”
Olenna, “Ugh you are such a dad right now.” 
Tywin, “The word extravagant has been used.”
Olenna, “What good is the word extravagant if it can’t be used to describe a royal wedding?”
Tywin, “People who spend money on weddings tend to not have money for long.”
Olenna, “You have your ways of winning the war, I have mine.”

"The people are hungry for more than just food. They crave distractions. And if we don’t provide them, they’ll create their own. And their distractions are likely to end with us being torn to pieces. A royal wedding is much safer."

Olenna, “You ought to try enjoying something before you die, you might find that it suits you.”
Tywin, “Are you hitting on me?”
Everyone, “I hope so!”
Mace, “Mother!”
Olenna, “Go away Mace! I’m flirting with Tywin!”
Mace, “Alright.”
Olenna, “Sorry about that he is the worst.”
Tywin, “I hate my children too!”
Olenna, “We are well suited. Anyway don’t know what you’re bitching about, I paid for most of this.”
Tywin, “I kinda love that you have more money than me.”
Olenna, “Right? And I’m going to be coughing up more soon I’m sure. Wars are long and expensive and everyone knows the crown is in mega debt to the Iron Bank since Littlefinger fucked off and stopped being the magic Master of Coin. The Iron Bank does not fuck around, they’ll be here soon breaking knee caps if they don’t get their due, they love to remind everyone like you Lannisters and your debts.”
Tywin, “I’m not worried.”
Olenna, “No you’re too smart for all that. Come Tywin, let’s celebrate young love.”
Tywin, “I would rather be shot in the face.”
Olenna, “Me too, but we have to.”

"Every once in a very long while, Lord Tywin Lannister would actually threaten to smile; he never did, but the threat alone was terrible to behold."

Read More

Recap: Episode 2, Season 4 
(So Tumblr is being super crashy with this post (I just have too many gifs/thoughts on Game of Thrones for this website to handle) so I’m splitting this recap into two (which kinda works since the last 20 minutes were basically their own mini episode anyway.) This is part one, part two posted after, (you’re smart, you’ll get it.))

Previously: Tywin disowned Jaime, Cersei broke up with Jaime, Joffrey made fun of Jaime, Brienne scolded Jaime, Podrick got a haircut, We met the Red Viper, Something gay happened, They recast Daario, Dontos gave Sansa a necklace, Ice was ruined, Needle was found, and Arya knocked some people off her “to kill” list

Dreadfort!
And……………………………………………………………I can’t with this scene. I tried, but I can’t. Reading about how Ramsay likes to rape young girls and then set them free so he can hunt them down and then rape/murder/flay them is one thing, having to actually watch it is another. We already saw Ramsay hunt the most dangerous game when he did this to Theon, so I’m not sure what this scene is telling us that we don’t already know? That he trained his dogs to acquire an appetite for human flesh? We probably could have put that together using context clues. I guess it introduces his non-book-canonical “cool girl" supportive girlfriend who shares his hobbies; which-it’s nice that he found someone-but the only way I can see that relationship ending is him chasing her down to rape/murder/flay her, and, again, that doesn’t feel wholly necessary. I guess the important part is Theon’s broken face at the end, but again, we already know Theon moved into a k-hole and decorated it with posters and furniture to make it feel like home, we don’t necessarily need that underlined. Sometimes, and I know this might sound crazy, when it comes to sexual violence and people being eaten alive by dogs, less is more.

King’s Landing!
Tyrion and Jaime are having a super adorable brothers’ lunch together! (When was the last time you two hung out? Was it the second episode? Where you had a hangover breakfast and talked about how much Jaime would hate being a cripple and how Tyrion was going to the Wall? That was so long ago guys! So much has happened!! Did you know there are dragons now?)
Podrick is serving Tyrion and Jaime sausage, (why do they always show sausage after scenes with Ramsay?! (I’m kidding, I know.))
Tyrion, “I don’t know what you’re bitching about. I like your new hand. It goes great with your haircut. I think it’s even better than your old one. Pod, tell Jaime how handsome he looks with his new hand.” (Tyrion is the best little brother ever.) 
Podrick, “Very handsome, sir.”
Jaime, “Thank you, Pod.”
Podrick, “Is it solid gold?”
Tyrion, “The point is to make people think it is, it’s actually just gilded steel.”
Podrick, “You can’t tell the difference.”
Tyrion,”See! Hey, why are you not eating? Why is no one eating? First Sansa, now you. The war’s over! It’s peacetime, we should be happy. Why is everyone around me debilitatingly depressed?”
Tyrion:

"Winter is coming, warned the Stark words, and truly it had come to them with a vengeance. But it is high summer for House Lannister. So why am I so bloody cold?” 

Jaime, “I’m on a diet.”
Tyrion, “Well that’s silly, you just lost half your hand weight.”
Jaime:
image
Tyrion, “Kidding! Jesus, no one can take a joke around here anymore. C’mon, try the boar, Cersei can’t get enough of it since one killed Robert for her… Nothing? Really? This is some of my best material. Here, how bout we drink instead? I propose a toast! To us being reunited! All the Lannister children, the cripple, the dwarf and the mother of madness. We are crushing it.”
And then Jaime legit:
image
Pod, “On it!”
Jaime, “No, you’re only make me feel more like an invalid, I’ll do it. Please, leave me alone with my shame.”
Podrick, “As you wish.”
Tyrion, “It’s only wine! Wine, wine wine. What’s the worst wine can do? Here let me spill this wine all over the table and then refill your glass. Me and wine, totally normal.”
Jaime, finally admitting to someone in a whisper even though they’re all alone,  “I can’t fight anymore.”
Tyrion, not reacting negatively, “What about your other hand?”
Jaime, “It’s a piece of shit, I’m not ambidextrous. How can I protect the king if I can’t wipe my own ass?”
Tyrion, “You’re forty! Have you thought about retiring?”
Jaime, “Oh lord, not you too.”
Tyrion, “I’m not saying retire from King’s Landing, I mean retire from fighting. You can serve on the board of the King’s Guard. Let everyone else fight for the king, Look at dad, he hasn’t been in active combats in years and he just won a war.”
Jaime, “Dad’s always been a Machiavellian politician, that was a natural progression. I’m a rock star fighter. I was the best knight in the Seven Kingdoms when I was 16, that’s all I’ve been my entire life. When people find out, I’ll be fucked.”
Tyrion, “Enough pity party. Just practice, become the left-handed Kingslayer.”
Jaime, “With whom? You? Not with cellphones these days, as soon as someone discovers I can’t fight it will be all over Twitter.”
Tyrion, “Don’t even worry about it bro. I got you.”
Jaime, “Man I missed having you around.”
Tyrion, “Ditto.”
(So in the books Jaime trains with Ilyn Payne because he doesn’t have a tongue because he is brilliant. But the actor who plays Ilyn Payne had to leave the show for very sad reasons and I think they made a brilliant, brilliant choice to replace him.)

Bronn! Bronn! Bronn!
Jaime, “Since you’re married to my brother I’m inclined to trust you.”
Bronn, “Since you shit gold like your father, I’m inclined to do what you ask.”
Jaime tosses him gold.
Jaime, “You sure no one will see us here? It seems a little…open.”
Bronn, “This is my cliff-side sex alcove where I bone married ladies.”
Jaime, “Ew, can we go somewhere else?”
Bronn, “If they don’t hear my sex, they won’t hear us.”
Jaime, “Okay enough about your love life, can we fight?”
Jaime picks up his sword.
Bronn, “Uh-uh, we’re all very impressed with the present your daddy got you, but I’m already covered in scars, I’m not looking to add more. We are starting with the basics.”
Jaime, “I haven’t used a sparring sword since I was nine.”
Bronn, “Yes, we all know how hot you used to be.”
Jaime goes to pick up the sword and Bronn starts hacking at him. 
Jaime, “You don’t fight with honor.”
Bronn, “Nope. Never have, never will.”
Jaime, “Attacking me before I’m ready…. “
Bronn, “You are troubled. Good, trouble is the perfect time to train. When you’re dancing in the meadow with your dolls and kittens, this not when fighting happens. How can you be quick as a snake, quiet as a shadow, when you’re somewhere else?”
Jaime, “Stop teasing me, I still have my right hand.”
Bronn, “What are you gonna do, knock some wine over at me?”
Jaime, “I see why you and Tyrion work so well together.”
And then there’s a lovely moment where Bronn gets the better of Jaime and Jaime takes a moment to swallow all his anger and pity and then stands back up and says, “Come on then.” Jaime Lannister character development ya’ll. It gives me life.

Read More

Recap: Episode 1, Season 4

We’re back?
image
That was fast!

Last season: Robb died, Catelyn died, Talisa died, Talisa’s unborn baby died, Greywind died, Ros died, Orell died, Lord Mormont died, Craster died, Catelyn’s dad died, Theon lost his penis, some teeth and his mind, Jaime finally made it back to King’s Landing, Sam and Jon finally made it back to the Wall, Bran went beyond the Wall, Mance is ready to attack the Wall, Stannis is going to defend the Wall, Yara is going to find Theon, Sansa married Tyrion, Joffrey is marrying Margaery, Cersei is marrying Loras, Arya started hanging out with the Hound, Littlefinger was headed to the Vale, Daenerys was headed to Meeren, and Rickon set out on a perilous and mysterious adventure for the great unknown armed with nothing but his wits, a violent temper and a feral direwolf.


Special Armory!
In a fancy wolf pelt scabbard is Ned’s sword, Ice.
image
Tywin unsheathes it and gives it to a special armorer, (NOT Gendry) who melts it down. Tywin puts on his iPod and cranks up “Rains of Castamere” and rocks out while watching them rework the steel into two swords. 
image
Tywin then takes the wolf pelt scabbard and throws it into a fire just to really rub it in that the Starks are gone, because why not give us all PTSD Red Wedding flashbacks .02 seconds into the premiere? One thing Tywin, will you let us have one thing?
Tywin:
image

Theme Song!
image
We’re back! (How I missed you!)
We get to see the Dreadfort (home to House Bolton) in the credits.
image
And pretty Meereen.
image

Hand of the King’s Room!
Jaime’s back with an awesome hair cut.
image
Tywin is giving him one of the swords he made in the cold open.
Jaime, “Sweet sword dad! Who knew you were cool?”
Tywin, “Arya.”
Jaime, “What?”
Tywin, “Nothing.”
Jaime, “But seriously, how’d you get this? It looks brand new.”
Tywin, “That’s cause she is.”
Jaime, “Bullshit. You just bought a Valyrian steel sword? Where?”
Tywin, “Skymall.”
Jaime, “Really?!”
Tywin, “No, you idiot. I flew out a fancy armorer from Volantis and put him up at a five star hotel in the city cause Tywin Lannister is:
image
Jaime, “But where did you get the raw materials? Valyrian steel is extinct.”
Tywin, “Get this, I used Ice.”
Jaime, “You’re giving me Ned Stark’s sword? That is so fucked up.”
Tywin, “I know, right?”
Jaime, “But like, even for you.”
Tywin:
image
Jaime, “Is there any horror you won’t subject the Starks to?”
Tywin, “Not really, no.”
Jaime, “Well, our family did always want a Valyrian steel sword.”
Tywin, “Now we have two. Everything is coming up Lannister!”
Jaime, “I gotta admit, having rich parents is awesome.” He genuinely thanks Tywin and Tywin nods and it is the most functional interaction we’ve seen him have with any of his children, let’s hope he doesn’t ruin it in 3, 2, 1…
Jaime clumsily puts the sword down.

His eyes went back to Jaime’s stump, and his mouth grew taut with fury. “We’ll have their heads. Every one. Can you use a sword with your left hand?”

I can hardly dress myself in the morning. Jaime held up the hand in question for his father’s inspection. “Four fingers, a thumb, much like the other, Why shouldn’t it work as well?”

Tywin, “You’ll never be as good.”
Jaime, “Jesus. You ever heard of not kicking a man while he’s down?”
Tywin, “It’s my joie de vivre.”
Jaime, “Whatever. Don’t worry about it. Tis but a scratch.”
Tywin:
image
Jaime:
image
(We can talk when I’m less emotional about it, about how devastated Jaime is about losing his hand but how he makes a joke and down plays it any time someone brings it up.)
Tywin, “You know you can’t keep your job with one hand.”
Jaime, “Where is that in my contract? Kingsguard is ride or die.”
Tywin, “Look, the war is over and this is awkward, but no one really needs you anymore. Joffrey’s totally safe.”
Jaime, “Is he? Cause I personally know about a hundred people who would kill him right now if they could, and not even because he’s king, just for the joy of it.”
Tywin, “Look you’ve been gone a long time, he was kept alive the whole time you were gone. You can go home and no one will even notice.”
Jaime, “Say what now?”
Tywin, “Casterly Rock, you can go and rule.”
Tywin:
image
Jaime, “But that’s your house.”
Tywin, “I am the King’s Hand, and unlike the other ones, I’m not an idiot. I know how this position works and no way am I making it back to Casterly Rock. Plus I’m old as shit, it’s time for you to fulfill the destiny I have painstakingly planned for you.” 
Jaime, “My life is 95% getting shit for violating the number one rule of being in the Kingsguard; don’t kill the king. I’m not going to violate the second rule; don’t leave until you’re dead.”
Tywin, “Joffrey kicked Barristan to the curb even though he wasn’t dead, and that worked out perfectly. He’s not secretly aiding a usurper across the narrow sea or anything. So there’s total precedent for him to fire you.”
Jaime, “No.”
Tywin, “No?”
Jaime, “No.”
Tywin, “Okay, I really wasn’t asking.”
Jaime, “Doesn’t matter.”
Tywin, “You’re going to put your fucking honor before - “
Jaime, “Nobody gives a fuck about my honor, least of all me,” he lies, “but my answer is still ‘no.’ I don’t want your stupid castle.”
Tywin, “Doesn’t anyone want Casterly Rock?”
Tyrion, “I’LL TAKE IT!”
Tywin, “Anyone?”
Tyrion, “ME!”
Tywin, “God, I can’t give this thing away.”
Jaime, “Look marriage isn’t really my bag.”
Tywin:
image
Jaime:
image
Tywin, “You’ll get your inheritance and you’ll live in our giant mansion and you will keep the Lannister name going by reminding people of how sick we are and making them eat it.”
Tywin:
image
Jaime, “Not really feeling it.”
Tywin, “Are you insane? You just spent two entire seasons covered in shit walking half the continent on foot. Don’t you want a change of pace? Get a steady job with benefits, knock off everyday at 5 PM? Go home watch some Netflix and relax? You won’t have to deal with Joffrey’s shit everyday, or mine. I am asking you to do the literal easiest thing you could do. There are two options in King’s Landing, 1. Get murdered and 2. Get tortured gruesomely and then get murdered. I’m giving you an out.”
Tywin:
image
Jaime, “I don’t want a wife, I don’t want children, and I don’t want to be no lord of no Casterly Rock.”
Tywin, “Well then the fuck do you want?”
Jaime, “To fuck my sister and for everyone to get off my nuts.”
Tywin, “How are all three of my children such massive disappointments?”
Jaime, “Well you are a pretty awful parent.”
Tywin, “For forty years…”
Jaime, “Wait, am I forty??”
Tywin, “Yes.”
Jaime, “Alright.”
Tywin, “Anyway, for forty long years I’ve tried to teach you, but it’s too fucking late now. If you want to crush all my hopes and dreams by becoming a nun, I can’t stop you.”
Jaime, “I assume this means I can’t keep the sword.”
Tywin, “Consider it a parting gift. We’re done. Every time you use it I want you to think about me and all the ways you disappointed me.”
Jaime:
image
image
image
image

“You are my son -”
“I am a knight of the Kingsguard. The Lord Commander of the Kingsguard! And that’s all I mean to be!”
Firelight gleamed golden in the stiff whiskers that framed Lord Tywin’s face. A vein pulsed in his neck, but he did not speak. And did not speak. And did not speak.
The strained silence went on until it was more than Jaime could endure. “Father…” he began.
“You are not my son.” Lord Tywin turned his face away. “You say you are the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, and only that. Very well, ser. Go do your duty.”

Read More

Season 1, Episode 6

King’s Landing
Ned wakes up drenched in sweat. Cersei is standing over him, smiling her evil smile, ready to get intense about it. Robert is concerned for his pal. 
Ned, “Pardon your Grace, I would rise but…” (Ned is really taking to this whole sarcasm thing.)
Cersi immediately begins yelling about how Catelyn stole Tyrion. (Her bedside manner could use some work.) Ned sticks with his story about how he magically knew that Tyrion and Catelyn would run into each other at a Hampton Inn and telepathically told Catelyn to lose her shit and take him hostage. Robert and Cersei do him the favor of not even pretending to believe him. Cersei came into this room looking for a fight and she’s not leaving without one, so she starts screaming about dare Catelyn Stark lay her poorly dressed Tully hands on a Lannister.
Ned, “Okay you need to stop talking about my wife like that, I’m the King’s Hand.”
Cersei, “No you’re not, you’re just an unemployed person. You quit because you wouldn’t kill a baby! So jokes on you.”
Robert, “IF PEOPLE ARE YELLING I’M GOING TO YELL THE LOUDEST. Here’s how this is gonna go down so the entire kingdom doesn’t lose it’s fucking mind. Catelyn is going to release Tyrion and you and Jaime are going put aside your differences and go to couple’s counseling.”
Ned, “Will we tho? He stabbed Jory in the EYE and SMILED at me while he did it.”
Cersei, “I should not be as turned on by that as I am. Moving on, once again I’m feeling threatened so I’m just going to start making shit up that fits my narrative. Reality and I have a complicated relationship. What happened was Ned over here was getting wasted at Littlefinger’s whore house and boning sluts.” 
Everyone:
image

Read More

Season 1, Episode 5 

It’s a beautiful day in King’s Landing and interns are hard at work setting up the Ren Fair for the day. Ned Stark is on a mission to finally figure out what the fuck is going on.

Ser Hugh Medical Tent!
Selmy’s already there watching the nurses stitch up Ser Hugh’s throat. 
image
Ned, “How’s it going, ladies?”
Ned:
image

Read More

Recap Season 3, Episode 10 

Previously: 
image

Theme song!

Twins!
Christmas comes early for Roose Bolton, who climbs to the top of the Twins so he can get the best seat possible to watch as the Freys decimate the drunk Stark army and it is brutal
Me:
image
They’re hanging them, lighting them on fire, chopping off legs, doing all the disgusting things Freys do when given a small amount of power. 
Roose loves it:
image
The Hound has tiny passed out Arya on his lap and smartly grabs a Frey banner as he attempts to get them out of there. (I like that quick thinking Hound, branding is important. Keep your head in the game. Everyone we love is dead, we need you to stay alive!) He’s trying to get them out of there, when from the castle a group of people emerges chanting, “The King In The North!”
Everyone:
image
This is the worst thing in the world. Worst than anything the show has done before. They bring Robb out and they have sewed Grey Wind’s head to his body. 
Everyone:
image
I can’t believe they showed it.
Everyone:
image
It’s just too much. 
image
Arya wakes up just in time to see this. 
Me:
image
And she was right to be nervous last episode, all her worst fears are coming true!
image
And she had to be there when Ned was beheaded, now this too.
image
Arya loses whatever sanity she had left while behind her the Stark banners burn.
Jesus Christ.
image
This scene.
image
It’s almost too much to handle. 
Everyone:
image


King’s Landing!
Tyrion and Sansa are enjoying a lovely mid afternoon stroll with Shae in the gardens. Two shitty bros walk by and giggle at them. Tyrion begins muttering their names under his breath.
Tyrion, “Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall, Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall …”
Sansa, “You okay there Rain Man?”
Tyrion, “Yeah, sorry, just updating my list.”
Sansa, “A murder list?”
Tyrion, “For laughing at me? Do I look like Joffrey?”
Sansa, “No, but you are a Lannister, so I thought I’d double check.”
Tyrion, “I may be a Lannister but I’m not a monster.”
Sansa, “You call him that too?! Oh isn’t it great, we can talk like this!”
Tyrion, “Murder and mayhem isn’t really my style. I prefer a more subtle terror…”
Tyrion:
image
Sansa, like every mom ever,  ”You should learn to ignore them.”
Tyrion, “Uh, yeah thanks for the condescending advice. But I’ve been dealing with this since the moment I was born. You’ve only had a bad few years. Constant laughing and belittlement really eats away at the soul in a way that can’t be dismissed by self help platitudes. I am the half man, the demon monkey, the imp.”
Sansa, “Yeah, but at least your family still runs shit. I am the disgraced daughter of the traitor Ned Stark.”
Tyrion, “The disgraced daughter and the demon monkey, we’re perfect for each other.” And Sansa smiles!! And laughs!
Tyrion looks back at Shae. 
Shae, “You’re friends now? That’s greeeaaat.”
Sansa, “So, alright I’m on board, how are we gonna do it?”
Tyrion, “Do what?”
Sansa, “Punish those two yokels for making fun of you.”
Tyrion, “Oh, that. Full disclosure, what I usually do is talk to Varys, get their internet history, and then blackmail them with whatever creepy stuff they’re into. It will definitely work on those dudes, anyone called  Desmond Crakehall must be a pervert.” 
Sansa, “Yeah well, popular opinion is that you’re a total pervert, but I know for a fact that you’re not.”
Tyrion, “Hey now, that’s our little secret. I’m the imp, I have a reputation I have to live down to.”
Sansa is lolzing and really excited, she takes a seat to look Tyrion in the eye  and it’s the youngest we’ve seen her be in forever! 
 (I love their bonding.)
Sansa, “I’ve got an idea!”
Tyrion, “Well get in here girl, let’s hear it.”
Sansa, “We could put sheep shift in Ser Desmond’s bed.”
Shae, “What now?”
Sansa, “You cut a little hole in his mattress and you stuff sheep shift inside. Then you sew up the hole and make his bed again. His room will stink, but he won’t know where it’s coming from.”
Tyrion, “Welcome to the party Lady Sansa! Look at you Starks being fun, I didn’t know that was a thing you did.” (I want Sansa and Tyrion to have an extended montage where they run around King’s Landing pulling pranks on people. They can toilet paper the Red Keep, put tacks on the Iron throne, Nair in Cersei’s shampoo bottle, general hi-jinks. Varys can assist. It would be great. (But also guys, if you’re gonna be pranking anyone, let’s start with Joffrey.))
Sansa, “Things used to get pretty wild at Winterfell. Arya used to do that when she was pissed at me, and she was pissed at me a lot.”
Tyrion, “I like where you’re going with this, but one quick question, what is “sheep shift?”“
Sansa, conspiratorially, “In the North, that’s the vulgar word for dung.” (Also sidebar! Arya! That is disgusting! If there was shit anywhere near my bed, I would burn my apartment to the ground and move.)
And Tyrion can’t stop himself from being charmed by her because she’s being super cute right now.
Sansa, “Well you asked!”
Tyrion, “No, I love it, diabolical in its simplicity. It’s perfect.”
Then Podrick comes running through the garden, tripping over fangirls on his way.
Podrick, “Allow me to interrupt this beautiful moment forever, but Small Council calls.”

Read More

Recap Season 3, Episode 9


What you will need for this episode:
1. Glass filled with ice.
2. Bottle of whiskey.
3. Friend you can slap/punch repeatedly.

Previously: In 1991 George R.R. Martin had an idea for a series of fantasy novels. He started mapping out the story and told the devil his plans:image
People began reading his books and assumed that
 the Starks were the heroes of the story and that they would eventually triumph. People were wrong.

Are we ready?
imageimage

Let’s do this.
image

Robb’s Camp! 
We open with ominous music and a map of Casterly Rock with fun handmade Lannister/Stark chess pieces on it. It’s a literal illustration of how fucked Robb is. 
Catelyn, “Are you sure about this?”
Robb, “Not even a little. But we need to hurt Tywin somehow, if we take Casterly Rock we will embarrass him in front of everyone and the one thing Tywin can never be is embarrassed. Plus he probably has a lot of gold stashed there and don’t you kinda wanna go through his stuff? I bet he’s got some weird shit. Like he’s a secret bronie or something.”
Catelyn, “Aren’t I usually off screen for your strategy sessions? Don’t you wanna get your foreign born wife in here for a basic geography lesson?”
Robb, “I find myself in need of some motherly advice.”
Catelyn, “From me?”
Robb, “Yes, let’s count the things you were right about. Number 1. Don’t let Theon negotiate with his father. Number 2. Don’t break my engagement. Number 3. Don’t kill Karstark. Basically if I had just followed your advice from the beginning Bran and Rickon would be lolling at Winterfell and I’d be sitting on the Iron Throne right now, brokering a peace treaty with Daenerys. Drogon and Greywind would be such good friends! It would be amazing! Instead here we are waiting outside the Twins about to go kiss Walder Frey’s ass. So tell me, what do you think, is it a good plan?”
Catelyn, “Can you pull it off?”
Robb, “As long as Walder Frey is not a total dick.”
Catelyn, “That’s a big if. Look at your map, if Tywin has his shit together - “
Robb, “Safe assumption.”
Catelyn, “- and reinforcements arrive from King’s Landing before we take the castle, we’ll be caught between Tywin’s army and the sea.”
Robb, “Alright. If we die, we die, but first we’ll live.”
Catelyn, “Fair enough, what have we got to lose?”
Me, “YOUR LIVES!!!”
Catelyn, “Let’s do it. Show them how it feels to lose what they love.”

The Twins!! (No!!! Go away Twins!!!)
The Stark army arrives with Greywind leading the pack.
image
Greywind!!!!  Turn back!
image
Inside the castle, Walder Frey greets the Starks.
Walder, “My honored guests, I extend to you my hospitality and protection in the light of the seven.”
Everyone:
image
Robb, “We thank you for your hospitality my lord.”
Everyone eats whatever gross bread Walder Frey had laying around. 
Starks:
image
Walder, “You have entered my home and eaten my food therefore by the Geneva Conventions and all agreed upon laws of war, I am forbidden from harming you in any manner and you are forbidden from harming me. We have a truce for as long as you are in my house and if either of us breaks it let the wrath of the old gods and the new rain down on our heads.”
Robb, “That sounds like an excellent deal. So I’ve come to…”
Walder, “You’ve come to eat crow.”
Robb, “Yep let’s get this over with.”
Robb:
image
Robb, “I am sorry Mr. Walder for any pain…”
Walder, “Nope, don’t apologize to me. Apologize to my daughters.” And then he calls out all his daughters and granddaughters to stand in a semi circle like chattel which is humiliating for everyone involved. (And ladies, I feel for you, I do, but we have gotta fix your dos, a center part doesn’t work on anyone!) Then Walder goes down and lists all their names in the weirdest most insane roll call of all time, and their names are fucking nuts, each one crazier than the last. He has ginger twins named Sara and Sarah, which, come the fuck on dude, as if these poor girls haven’t suffered enough.  I’m pretty sure one of them is named Freya, so her name is “Freya Frey.” He gets to the last one and can’t even remember her name and starts guessing.
Walder, “I don’t know, Waldina or some shit?” (Waldina? Really Walder you’re not even trying.)
Merry, “My name is Merry.”
Walder, “Whatever.”
Merry:
image
Edmure:
image
Walder, “And this is my youngest, though she hasn’t bled yet and apparently you don’t have the patience for all that.”
Robb, “Holy shit are you disgusting. Moving on, my ladies, all men should keep their word, kings most of all, I was pledged to marry one of you and I broke that vow.”
Frey Girls:
image
Robb, “The fault is not with you, any man would be lucky to marry one of you.”
Freya:
image
Robb, “I didn’t do it because you weren’t great, because all you ladies are.”
Frey Girls:
image
Robb, “You all deserve love and happiness like the kind I found. I know I can’t say anything that will make this right, but I hope that within time we can be friends.”
Frey Girls:
image
Robb:
image
Frey Girls, “It’s like fine.”
And Walder Frey fucking gives him a slow clap for his performance. 
Walder, “Well done, well done. Now you know what I need?”
Everyone, “A vasectomy?”
Walder, “No, I need to be introduced to my new queen.”
Then Walder calls Talisa forward, and I’m assuming Robb had a convo with her warning her of how unpleasant this was going to be, but nothing could have prepared her for Walder Frey publicly and loudly inspecting her body. It’s not worth repeating but suffice to say, it’s disgusting.
Walder:
image
image
image
Walder, “I’d thought you’d at least try to hide your pregnant belly by standing behind a plant or something.”
Talisa, “Yeah that would have been smart.”
Walder, “No, being smart would be not bringing Talisa in the first place.”
Catelyn, “I know!”
Walder, “You are super hot. Your king says he betrayed me for love, I say he betrayed me for firm tits.”
Everyone, “What is wrong with you?”
Walder:
image
Robb’s finally had enough and goes forward to stab Walder and ruin this whole truce and Catelyn puts out her hand and pinches his arm until he steps back.
Walder, “Don’t get me wrong, I respect it. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. When I was your age I would have broke fifty oaths to get into that without a second thought.”
Talisa, “”That?” Really? Come on.”
Walder, “I don’t have enough room for your men, we’ll set up tents outside.”
Robb, with so much venom, “Thank you my lord.”
Walder, claps his hands together, “Well let’s get ready for the wedding, the wine will flow RED and the music will play loud and we’ll all have a grand old time.”
Everyone:
image

Read More

Today we are all Lisa Simpson.
imageimage
I’ll have more in the recap but I just wanted to check in with everyone and pour some out for one of the best fictional characters in one of the best fictional series. After going through the seven stages of grief and finally coming to acceptance, I will say that shit like this is what I love most about GRRM as a writer. The pure guts to kill the hero of your story not once, but twice, and trust that you will be able to pick up the pieces after dropping a bomb like that and that the audience will follow you, it takes brass balls. But just because I admire it doesn’t make it hurt any less.  So today we gather to honor the fallen:

Read More

Recap, Season 3, Episode 8

(Sorry this is so late guys! My little sister was in town and stayed with me this past week and really cramped my recapping game. But I think the Starks would agree with me that family comes first. Also the Lannisters. You know what, let’s move on.)

Previously: Robb got naked, Theon got castrated, Talisa got knocked up, Gendry found out the results of his paternity test, Ygritte learned some important lessons about eco friendly technology, and Jaime jumped into a bear pit and all of our hearts to save Brienne.

Off the bat this episode:
No Robb.
No Jon.
No Jaime.
No Theon.
Boys! I miss you! (Except you Theon. You should stay away for a while.)

Woods!
Arya wakes up staring at a rock. She’s weighing the pros and cons of bashing Sandor in the head with it. Because she’s Arya Stark head-bashing wins and she creeps over to where the Hound is sleeping, but she’s not as quiet as Syrio taught her to be and the Hound hears her coming from a mile away. (You know what would fix this problem Sandor? A blanket burrito! (In the books the Hound deals with the fierceness of Arya Stark by wrapping her up in a blanket bundle that she can’t get out of. It’s surprisingly adorable.))
Hound, “I’ll give you one shot, kill me and you’re free, fail and I’ll break both your hands.”
Arya agrees with the audience that there’s been too much hand violence on the show recently and gives up.
Later they’re riding and Arya sits sidesaddle in the front. (For two ruthless killers they sure are cute.)
The Hound offers her food and she rejects it.
Hound:
image
Hound, “You’re in a bad mood.”
Arya:
image
Hound, “You’re actually super lucky I found you and not someone worse.”
Arya, “Nope. Pretty sure you’re the absolute worst.”
Hound, “Pretty sure that’s my brother. He’s so intense he once killed a man for snoring.” (Okay is that really the best example Sandor? I’ve almost killed someone for snoring. A car alarm went off outside my apartment for an hour the other night at 2 AM and if murder would have stopped it, I would have considered it.) 
Hound, “At least I’m not physically abusive or a rapist.”
Arya, “Okay the men of Westoros need to set a higher bar for themselves. You don’t get a prize for not raping a child. It’s just what you should do.”
Hound, “I know that, I actually save people from being raped. People like, I don’t know, your sister. Why don’t you ask her the next time you see her who saved her when she was being attacked at Flea Bottom?” 
(Sandor!!! You’re gossiping with Arya about Sansa!)
Hound, “No but seriously, does she think I’m  a hero? Also what does she think about my hair? Cause I’ve been thinking of doing it a different way.” (Hound, we have got to get you an age appropriate love interest.)
Arya, “Is that the Blackwater?”
Hound, “Do you have any idea where we are?”
Arya, “Not really no. But you’re the King’s dog? You kill little boys when he tells you to, aren’t you bringing me back to him?”
Hound, “That was before my mental breakdown. I said it once, I’ll say it again, Fuck Joffrey, Fuck the Queen. I’m not going back there. Not now, not ever. That’s the Red Fork, I’m taking you to the Twins.”
Arya, “Why?”
Hound, “Because your mom and brother are there and I’m going to do what the audience has wanted for three seasons and reunite some Starks…for a small fee of course.”
Me:
image
Arya even smiles a little bit! Wolf girl!!
Arya, “Wait, why is my family hanging out with the Freys? God things are worse than I thought.”
Hound, “The Brotherhood didn’t tell you? Dicks. It’s on the front page of every tabloid, your Uncle is marrying one of the Frey girls. So if you quit trying to kill me, we might make it there in time for the rehearsal dinner.”
Arya, “It really is lucky that I was caught by you wasn’t it?”
Hound, “That’s what I was trying to tell you.”
Arya, “Sorry I tried to bash your head in with a rock.”
Hound , “I get the impulse.”
Arya, “You wanna talk more about Sansa?”
Hound, “Do I ever!”
Arya, “Well does she know you have a crush on her?”
Hound:
image

Yunkai!!
Daenerys is adorably hiding behind a wall with her awesome headscarf.
Barristan, “I don’t trust mercenaries. People need to be bound by their word and honor.”
Jorah, “I know that was a dig at me old man! Hurtful. And these guys will kill you if they get a big enough check.”
Daenerys, “So you know them?”
Jorah, “I recognize their team logo, they’re called the Second Sons. They’re a company led by a Bravosi named Mero, the Titan’s bastard. They are not pleasant.”
Daenerys, “Is he more titan or bastard?”
Jorah, “He is all bastard, all of the bastard.”
Daenerys, “How many are there?”
Barristan, “2,000.”
Daenerys, “Enough to fuck up my plans to sack the city?”
Barristan, “Probably.”
Daenerys gets her thinking face on, “It’s hard to collect wages from a corpse. I’m sure sellswords like to fight for the winning side.”
Jorah, “Right as ever you are.”
Daenerys, “I’d like to talk to the Titan’s bastard about who’s going to be the winning side.”
Barristan, “Like I don’t get it cause I think you’re awesome, but he doesn’t know that, he might not want to meet with you.”
Daenerys eyes get scary again and she gets serious, “Oh no, he will, you aren’t always aware of sexism because of your privilege, but I get how it works, a man that fights for gold can’t afford to lose to a girl.”

 

Read More

Recap Season 3, Episode 7

(Sorry this recap is late! In my defense, I was at festival that had an Urban Ren Faire, so I feel like I was doing Game of Thrones related activities. (It was wonderful, there was a guy dressed as a centaur who looked exactly like Devon Sawa in the 90’s.) So the bad news is the recap is up late, the good news is I found the love of my life and he’s dancing to techno dressed as a centaur at an Urban Ren Faire tent in Brooklyn. Don’t know how I’m going to explain that to my parents.)

Previously, Flaying, Epileptic fits, Lullabies, Wall climbing, Wall falling, Gendry stealing, Freys freying, Littlefinger leaving, and Tywin admitting (with his eyes) his bisexuality.

North!
The Wildlings have crossed the Wall and are making their way to Castle Black. It will take them a week to get there, so they have time for Jon and Ygritte to flirt and for Orell to insert himself into their relationship.
Jon and Ygritte have a long conversation about Wildling fighting vs. Seven Kingdoms fighting where Ygritte makes fun of the Westori for being pansies and banging drums and carrying banners  (I’ve always wondered about that too Ygritte! Mostly because I always thought that seemed like a cool job? Like, if I ever had to go to war, I’d like to be the one holding the banner? Let’s not unpack it.) Jon explains to her that it’s all part of the discipline and traditions of a first world country, like having roads and a postal service.
Ygritte, “It just seems silly to have drummers. It’s war not a Step Up movie.”
Jon, “Well excuse us for having a sense of occasion. Also they help the men march.”
Ygritte, “You forget how to walk? “And she hops up and starts jumping around, making fun of marching soldiers and they’re both lolling.
Jon, “No if you want a bunch of people to work and fight as a unit they have to do it as the same beat. You Wildlings don’t get it.”
Ygritte, “No we don’t. When we attack we sure as shit won’t be banging any fucking drums.”
Jon, “No you’ll just be lighting a giant fire. That’s much more discreet.”
Ygritte, “One more time as a family!” And the entire group of Wildlings yell, “You know nothing Jon Snow!!” And she walks away. Orell approaches Jon. (Orell has taken it on himself to be Jon and Ygritte’s relationship counselor. I guess because turning into a bird, climbing the wall and planning an attack on the Night’s Watch is super boring and he has nothing else to do?)
Orell, “She’s right.”
Jon, “And then there’s this asshole. I know you cut me loose.”
Orell, “Cut her loose too.”
Jon:
image
Orell, “Don’t see her bitching about it. That’s because she understands the way things are.”
Jon, “What’s that? What’s the deep wisdom you found in the head of a bird?”
Jon:
image
Orell, “You want some Wildling wisdom? People work together when it suits ‘em. They’re loyal when it suits ‘em. Love each other when it suits ‘em. And they kill each other when it suits ‘em. She knows it, you don’t, which is why you guys are gonna break up one day.”
Orell:
image
Jon, “We’re gonna be fine! God, shut up!”
Orell, “You know nothing Jon Snow.”

Jon, “Yeah that’s one of those things that’s kinda only okay when Ygritte says it.” 
(Meanwhile Ghost:
image)

Read More