A Song of Ice and Lolz

"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "


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Recap Season 3, Episode 10 

Previously: 
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Theme song!

Twins!
Christmas comes early for Roose Bolton, who climbs to the top of the Twins so he can get the best seat possible to watch as the Freys decimate the drunk Stark army and it is brutal
Me:
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They’re hanging them, lighting them on fire, chopping off legs, doing all the disgusting things Freys do when given a small amount of power. 
Roose loves it:
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The Hound has tiny passed out Arya on his lap and smartly grabs a Frey banner as he attempts to get them out of there. (I like that quick thinking Hound, branding is important. Keep your head in the game. Everyone we love is dead, we need you to stay alive!) He’s trying to get them out of there, when from the castle a group of people emerges chanting, “The King In The North!”
Everyone:
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This is the worst thing in the world. Worst than anything the show has done before. They bring Robb out and they have sewed Grey Wind’s head to his body. 
Everyone:
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I can’t believe they showed it.
Everyone:
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It’s just too much. 
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Arya wakes up just in time to see this. 
Me:
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And she was right to be nervous last episode, all her worst fears are coming true!
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And she had to be there when Ned was beheaded, now this too.
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Arya loses whatever sanity she had left while behind her the Stark banners burn.
Jesus Christ.
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This scene.
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It’s almost too much to handle. 
Everyone:
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King’s Landing!
Tyrion and Sansa are enjoying a lovely mid afternoon stroll with Shae in the gardens. Two shitty bros walk by and giggle at them. Tyrion begins muttering their names under his breath.
Tyrion, “Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall, Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall …”
Sansa, “You okay there Rain Man?”
Tyrion, “Yeah, sorry, just updating my list.”
Sansa, “A murder list?”
Tyrion, “For laughing at me? Do I look like Joffrey?”
Sansa, “No, but you are a Lannister, so I thought I’d double check.”
Tyrion, “I may be a Lannister but I’m not a monster.”
Sansa, “You call him that too?! Oh isn’t it great, we can talk like this!”
Tyrion, “Murder and mayhem isn’t really my style. I prefer a more subtle terror…”
Tyrion:
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Sansa, like every mom ever,  ”You should learn to ignore them.”
Tyrion, “Uh, yeah thanks for the condescending advice. But I’ve been dealing with this since the moment I was born. You’ve only had a bad few years. Constant laughing and belittlement really eats away at the soul in a way that can’t be dismissed by self help platitudes. I am the half man, the demon monkey, the imp.”
Sansa, “Yeah, but at least your family still runs shit. I am the disgraced daughter of the traitor Ned Stark.”
Tyrion, “The disgraced daughter and the demon monkey, we’re perfect for each other.” And Sansa smiles!! And laughs!
Tyrion looks back at Shae. 
Shae, “You’re friends now? That’s greeeaaat.”
Sansa, “So, alright I’m on board, how are we gonna do it?”
Tyrion, “Do what?”
Sansa, “Punish those two yokels for making fun of you.”
Tyrion, “Oh, that. Full disclosure, what I usually do is talk to Varys, get their internet history, and then blackmail them with whatever creepy stuff they’re into. It will definitely work on those dudes, anyone called  Desmond Crakehall must be a pervert.” 
Sansa, “Yeah well, popular opinion is that you’re a total pervert, but I know for a fact that you’re not.”
Tyrion, “Hey now, that’s our little secret. I’m the imp, I have a reputation I have to live down to.”
Sansa is lolzing and really excited, she takes a seat to look Tyrion in the eye  and it’s the youngest we’ve seen her be in forever! 
 (I love their bonding.)
Sansa, “I’ve got an idea!”
Tyrion, “Well get in here girl, let’s hear it.”
Sansa, “We could put sheep shift in Ser Desmond’s bed.”
Shae, “What now?”
Sansa, “You cut a little hole in his mattress and you stuff sheep shift inside. Then you sew up the hole and make his bed again. His room will stink, but he won’t know where it’s coming from.”
Tyrion, “Welcome to the party Lady Sansa! Look at you Starks being fun, I didn’t know that was a thing you did.” (I want Sansa and Tyrion to have an extended montage where they run around King’s Landing pulling pranks on people. They can toilet paper the Red Keep, put tacks on the Iron throne, Nair in Cersei’s shampoo bottle, general hi-jinks. Varys can assist. It would be great. (But also guys, if you’re gonna be pranking anyone, let’s start with Joffrey.))
Sansa, “Things used to get pretty wild at Winterfell. Arya used to do that when she was pissed at me, and she was pissed at me a lot.”
Tyrion, “I like where you’re going with this, but one quick question, what is “sheep shift?”“
Sansa, conspiratorially, “In the North, that’s the vulgar word for dung.” (Also sidebar! Arya! That is disgusting! If there was shit anywhere near my bed, I would burn my apartment to the ground and move.)
And Tyrion can’t stop himself from being charmed by her because she’s being super cute right now.
Sansa, “Well you asked!”
Tyrion, “No, I love it, diabolical in its simplicity. It’s perfect.”
Then Podrick comes running through the garden, tripping over fangirls on his way.
Podrick, “Allow me to interrupt this beautiful moment forever, but Small Council calls.”

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Recap, Season 3, Episode 8

(Sorry this is so late guys! My little sister was in town and stayed with me this past week and really cramped my recapping game. But I think the Starks would agree with me that family comes first. Also the Lannisters. You know what, let’s move on.)

Previously: Robb got naked, Theon got castrated, Talisa got knocked up, Gendry found out the results of his paternity test, Ygritte learned some important lessons about eco friendly technology, and Jaime jumped into a bear pit and all of our hearts to save Brienne.

Off the bat this episode:
No Robb.
No Jon.
No Jaime.
No Theon.
Boys! I miss you! (Except you Theon. You should stay away for a while.)

Woods!
Arya wakes up staring at a rock. She’s weighing the pros and cons of bashing Sandor in the head with it. Because she’s Arya Stark head-bashing wins and she creeps over to where the Hound is sleeping, but she’s not as quiet as Syrio taught her to be and the Hound hears her coming from a mile away. (You know what would fix this problem Sandor? A blanket burrito! (In the books the Hound deals with the fierceness of Arya Stark by wrapping her up in a blanket bundle that she can’t get out of. It’s surprisingly adorable.))
Hound, “I’ll give you one shot, kill me and you’re free, fail and I’ll break both your hands.”
Arya agrees with the audience that there’s been too much hand violence on the show recently and gives up.
Later they’re riding and Arya sits sidesaddle in the front. (For two ruthless killers they sure are cute.)
The Hound offers her food and she rejects it.
Hound:
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Hound, “You’re in a bad mood.”
Arya:
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Hound, “You’re actually super lucky I found you and not someone worse.”
Arya, “Nope. Pretty sure you’re the absolute worst.”
Hound, “Pretty sure that’s my brother. He’s so intense he once killed a man for snoring.” (Okay is that really the best example Sandor? I’ve almost killed someone for snoring. A car alarm went off outside my apartment for an hour the other night at 2 AM and if murder would have stopped it, I would have considered it.) 
Hound, “At least I’m not physically abusive or a rapist.”
Arya, “Okay the men of Westoros need to set a higher bar for themselves. You don’t get a prize for not raping a child. It’s just what you should do.”
Hound, “I know that, I actually save people from being raped. People like, I don’t know, your sister. Why don’t you ask her the next time you see her who saved her when she was being attacked at Flea Bottom?” 
(Sandor!!! You’re gossiping with Arya about Sansa!)
Hound, “No but seriously, does she think I’m  a hero? Also what does she think about my hair? Cause I’ve been thinking of doing it a different way.” (Hound, we have got to get you an age appropriate love interest.)
Arya, “Is that the Blackwater?”
Hound, “Do you have any idea where we are?”
Arya, “Not really no. But you’re the King’s dog? You kill little boys when he tells you to, aren’t you bringing me back to him?”
Hound, “That was before my mental breakdown. I said it once, I’ll say it again, Fuck Joffrey, Fuck the Queen. I’m not going back there. Not now, not ever. That’s the Red Fork, I’m taking you to the Twins.”
Arya, “Why?”
Hound, “Because your mom and brother are there and I’m going to do what the audience has wanted for three seasons and reunite some Starks…for a small fee of course.”
Me:
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Arya even smiles a little bit! Wolf girl!!
Arya, “Wait, why is my family hanging out with the Freys? God things are worse than I thought.”
Hound, “The Brotherhood didn’t tell you? Dicks. It’s on the front page of every tabloid, your Uncle is marrying one of the Frey girls. So if you quit trying to kill me, we might make it there in time for the rehearsal dinner.”
Arya, “It really is lucky that I was caught by you wasn’t it?”
Hound, “That’s what I was trying to tell you.”
Arya, “Sorry I tried to bash your head in with a rock.”
Hound , “I get the impulse.”
Arya, “You wanna talk more about Sansa?”
Hound, “Do I ever!”
Arya, “Well does she know you have a crush on her?”
Hound:
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Yunkai!!
Daenerys is adorably hiding behind a wall with her awesome headscarf.
Barristan, “I don’t trust mercenaries. People need to be bound by their word and honor.”
Jorah, “I know that was a dig at me old man! Hurtful. And these guys will kill you if they get a big enough check.”
Daenerys, “So you know them?”
Jorah, “I recognize their team logo, they’re called the Second Sons. They’re a company led by a Bravosi named Mero, the Titan’s bastard. They are not pleasant.”
Daenerys, “Is he more titan or bastard?”
Jorah, “He is all bastard, all of the bastard.”
Daenerys, “How many are there?”
Barristan, “2,000.”
Daenerys, “Enough to fuck up my plans to sack the city?”
Barristan, “Probably.”
Daenerys gets her thinking face on, “It’s hard to collect wages from a corpse. I’m sure sellswords like to fight for the winning side.”
Jorah, “Right as ever you are.”
Daenerys, “I’d like to talk to the Titan’s bastard about who’s going to be the winning side.”
Barristan, “Like I don’t get it cause I think you’re awesome, but he doesn’t know that, he might not want to meet with you.”
Daenerys eyes get scary again and she gets serious, “Oh no, he will, you aren’t always aware of sexism because of your privilege, but I get how it works, a man that fights for gold can’t afford to lose to a girl.”

 

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Recap Season 2, Episode 10

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Whew, time went by fast.
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Sorry, I went out for a pack of smokes there and never came back. I’ve been busy.
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I did things not on the internet.
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I fell into a Shameless sinkhole and have been trying to claw my way out.
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Anyway, it’s not important. What matters is I’m back and I’ll never leave you again! (Probably.) Thank you all for your awesome patience and notes of encouragement. They mean so much to me!
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Right, so where were we? Well, it’s been at least five fucking years since the episode aired, and we’ve all pretty much forgotten what happened. But who cares? We’re here, we’re doing this, and we’re gonna have fun anyway.
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So everyone get a seat, grab a beer, and relax. 
Ready?
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Let’s do this!

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Recap, Season 2, Episode 6

Previously: The death of la Renly, Gendry shirtless, The scrambling of the Tyrells, Tiny huts, Cersei being drunk as fuck, Theon dastardly plotting, Gendry shirtless, Anyone can be killed, Dragons making burgers, Creepy face masks, Gendry shirtless, Fancy scarves, Sexy assassins, Gendry shirtless 

Winterfell!
The castle is under attack and in chaos because George R.R. Martin likes to give you nice things like direwolves, Starks, and Winterfell before he rips them away from you, laughing maniacally at your tears like a vengeful god. Luwin is running around looking panicked. I can handle Renly, Drogo, Robert, Ned, but if you harm a figurative hair on Luwin’s bald head I will burn HBO to the ground with fire and blood. Luwin has escaped the fighting to make it to the Ravenery to send an S.O.S. text saying Winterfell is under attack. (Which, do you need to put a return address on that Luwin? Did you put a to address on that?)
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 And then the door bursts open and it’s a bunch of miserable sailors. 
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Bran’s Room!
Theon charges into Bran’s room which begs the question, where are Summer and Shaggydog? I see like five people in each of these opening scenes who are begging for a direwolf ass-kicking. Remember when that dude fought Catelyn with a dagger and Summer ripped out his esophagus? More of that please! At least that dude had the decency to not walk everyone through his issues with his father constantly.
Theon, “Get up.”
Bran, “Theon, eww what are you doing back? Is this a Robb thing?”
Theon, “I took Winterfell.”
Bran, “What was that? I’m still like 50% in wolf-dream land.” 
Theon, “I took it, I’m occupying it, I sent men over the walls with grappling claws and ropes.”
Bran, “Slow down spaz, what’s happening?”   
Theon, “I take castle! I prince! People think I’m cool! What about this aren’t you getting?”
Bran, “Obviously the core concept.”
Theon, “I’m so smart and clever, aren’t you impressed?”
Bran, “No. Is he like this all the time?”
Cleftjaw, “Don’t get me started.”
Theon, “I’m a Greyjoy. I can’t fight for Robb and my father both so I choose my dad, because I’m really bad at decision making. Where’s Hodor?”
Bran, “I don’t know. Again, I am half awake and paralyzed.”
Theon, “My men are bringing the people of Winterfell together in the courtyard.”
Bran, almost completely disinterested, “Why?”
Theon, “OMG. How many times do I have to explain this?”
Bran, “Like a thousand, because everything you’re saying is insane.”
Theon, “We’re all going to go into the courtyard and you’re going to yield Winterfell to me and tell everyone what a super awesome prince I am.”
Bran, “Yeah….none of that.”
Theon, “Yes.”
Bran, “Fuck all of you.”
Theon, hilariously trying to look hard and badass as he sits on the bed, “The castle is mine, but the people are yours so you’ll yield to keep them safe because that’s what a good lord will do.” (Realization: The only person Theon can talk to with any level  of competence is a ten year old.) “Because once you’ve yielded the people to me then everyone will see how awesome I am and I will never be lonely again.” (Realization: Theon is the Michael Scott of Game of Thrones.)
Bran,  cutting to the heart of the matter, “Did you hate us the whole time?”
Theon, “No, I loved you but nobody ever loves me back!”
Bran, “Yes, because of reasons.”

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(Operating under the assumption that the actor is both alive and the age of their character. (Disagreement welcome.))

Starks and Friends:

Ned - Sean Bean

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Catelyn Tully- Susan Sarandon

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(I would also accept Karen Allen)

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Robb Stark - Richard Madden

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Sansa Stark - Alexis Bledel

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Arya Stark - Chloe Moretz

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Bran Stark - Max Records

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Rickon Stark - Nolan Gould

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Jon Snow- Mr. Original Emo: Montgomery Clift

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Rodrik Cassel - Brendan Gleeson

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(I would also accept Wolf Blitzer from 1988.)

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Master Luwin -  Morgan Freeman

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Lyanna Stark - Olivia Hussey

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Brendan Tully - Kevin McKidd

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Lysa Tully -  Toni Collette

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(I would also accept Bette Midler in First Wives Club.)

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Recap Episode 4, Season 1

Previously: Sword Fighting, Lassos, Shitty Disguises, Lancel, Chatty Crows, Grey Gardening, Drogo’s Super Sperm, etc.

Winterfell!
Bran is walking around with his bow and arrow and you’re like, “Wow, what a speedy resolution to that plot line!” But then you realize no one’s around and he’s chasing a rather slow crow and you’re like, “It’s possible this could be a dream and if so have more interesting dreams Bran. You’re paralyzed in a world that hasn’t invented the internet, this is the most exciting thing that’s going to happen to you all day, go nuts!” But no, he’s just chasing this gross crow and then it turns around and it has 3 eyes and you’re like, “That’s slightly more interesting but still if we’re going to be watching your dreams at least give them some narrative flavor.” He wakes up in his room and Old Nan is there knitting.
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Old Nan asks about his dreaming. Don’t even try Nan, it’s not worth it. Then Theon bursts into the room. I was kidding earlier Bran, your paralyzation is terrible!
Summer is instantly pissed at the sight of Theon. (Rip out his throat!) Theon, “There are visitors so you gotta get up. Well, not get up cause you can’t get up, but you gotta get downstairs somehow.”
Bran, “I don’t want nobody carrying me. Not now. Not ever, ya here!”
Theon, “Really? If I was couped up all day with only this old bat for company I’d go mad.” You did NOT just insult Old Nan, Theon. You did NOT JUST.
Bran, “Not interested.”
Theon, “Well you don’t have a choice, Robb’s waiting.” (If that’s not enough of a reason to get out of bed I don’t know what is.)
Bran, “Make me Greyjoy.”
Theon, “Look girl, I feel you. We all have big warm comfy beds we’d rather be laying in right now. But Robb told me to come get you and I have to do what Robb says because he’s prettier than I am, and you have to do what I say which isn’t true at all but I will take whatever meager amounts of power I can find and then abuse them because being raised as a ward in Winterfell has given me an insane Napoleon complex.”
Bran, “I thought the worst thing about being paralyzed was giving up on my all my hopes and dreams and the impact it would have on my dating life, but I was wrong, not being able to walk away from this conversation is the worst thing.”
Then Theon calls in Hodor to carry Bran downstairs.

Hodor
Likes: Naked swimming, Hodor, Carrying small children
Dislikes: Grover Norquist’s strangled hold on tax reform, Hodor
Hodor picks Bran up by the scruff of his neck and jogs downstairs. 

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Recap Episode 3, Season 1 (Spoiler alert: This episode is awesome. Also, there are spoilers.)

Previously: Twig Dolls, Hangovers, Fires, Cruelty to Animals, Face Knifing, Slapping, Slim Jims, Outdoor Pissing, Teaching of New Sexual Positions, etc.

King’s Landing!

The Starks arrive in the capitol and are like, “It’s loud, there are too many people, everyone’s so rude, how many Starbucks does one city need, there are so many homeless people, it’s too expensive.” A nerdy squire comes running up to Ned all, “OMG, there’s a council meeting happening and you’re already late. Is that what you’re wearing? You sure you don’t wanna put on a blazer?”
Ned, “These are my fancy clothes.”
Squire, “Going for the whole rugged, been riding for a month thing, well sure it works on you. Let’s go.” (Also I’m not telling HBO how to live their life, but it does seem kinda possible that these are the only clothes Ned Stark owns.)

Throne Room!
They open the door to the main hall and Jaime is by himself reclining across the steps leading up to the Iron Throne. I’m going to do him the courtesy of assuming he was taking some self pics for his facebook profile because otherwise, what the hell you doing Jaime?
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Ned starts having flashbacks. (During Robert’s Rebellion Jaime was in the Mad King’s secret service; when the rebellion was close to succeeding, Jaime had a “fuck this job” moment and murdered the king. After this happened Ned got to King’s Landing before Robert did and when he walked into the Red Keep, Jaime was chilling on the Iron Throne drinking a beer all: 
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And that pissed Ned off because the throne belonged to his boyfriend Robert. Even though Jaime totally gave it up to Robert, Ned didn’t like the implication.)
Jaime sarcastically, “Thank god you’re here Stark, we’re in need of your intense brand of northerness.” (I know Jaime’s fucking around but the Red Keep could really use some northern flavor.)
Ned, “Protecting the throne I see.” (Ned’s that annoying person in your office who bitches about you being on gchat when you should be working.)
Jaime, “That thing? Yeah, lots of people sit on it. Speaking of butts and specifically buttholes remember when Robert asked you to come to King’s Landing to wash his butt for him and you said yes?”
Ned, “Ugh, banter is so not my forte. I’m not great with sarcasm, we don’t have a lot of Jews in the north. Your face is very handsome what with no bruises…or something….”
Jaime, “Yeah people keep trying to land one on me but they haven’t cause I’m that good.’
Ned, “Or you just choose opponents…opponents….with short arms! Ha! Pussy.”
Jaime Lannister will tolerate a variety of shenanigans but he will not tolerate being called a pussy.
Jaime, “This must be so weird for you, I was totally standing right here when the Mad King murdered your uncle and dad with fire.” (The Mad King is Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator/I’m Still Here:
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Jaime, “I’m going to tell you some more unnecessary details about your father’s gruesome death.”
Ned, “Remember how you did nothing to help him?”
Jamie, “In my defense, five hundred men did nothing to help him, because aside from the wonderful, happy place inside your head where everyone feels a deep-seated need to do what’s right, people are by and large pretty shitty.” (He’s also making an argument for democracy and the power of freedom of thought but I don’t think that’s his point.) “Annyyhooo, later when I killed the king I thought of your dad and I felt like I was doing a good thing.” (Like Cersei and her story about Robert’s dead baby, he’s telling the truth here, he’s just doing it for fucked up reasons. I think the Lannisters need friends who aren’t each other.) “Isn’t it weird how I totally avenged your father instead of you?”
Ned, “Oh fuck you pretty boy. You didn’t do it for my dad, you still totally blow for literally stabbing the king in the back.”
Jamie, “If I stabbed him in the belly would you admire me more?”
Ned, “1. I don’t admire you. 2. I’m over this. Stark out!” And starks off.

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Recap: Season 1, Episode 1 (mild spoilers) HBO Series based on the fantasy novels, “A Song of Ice and Fire,” by George R.R. Martin (Think: Camelot + Lord of the Rings + Braveheart + Rape + Princess Bride + Night of the Living Dead + Dallas + Gladiator + How I Met Your Mother + Dragons)

The Wall!

Background: The kingdom in which all the main characters live, Westoros, is guarded at it’s northern end by a giant wall made of ice. The kingdom sends its prisoners (rapists/thieves/murders/highly born bastards) to man the wall to protect it from the “wildlings” who are the free people who live beyond the wall and don’t have kings and queens. It’d be like if Canada took the whole being ruled by Queen Elizabeth thing super seriously and put all its shoplifters and hockey game rioters on a giant fence between the Canada/American border, called it the “Night Watch,” and insisted that everyone be celibate in order to protect its citizens from guns, democracy, fatty foods, and limited access to health care.

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So giant! So white! So cold! Three skeezy looking dudes, rangers of the Night Watch, ride their horses north of the wall trying to track some free people who wandered too close to the border. The blond one finds the wildlings’ bbq but instead of a bbq, everybody is dead and hacked up into body parts and arranged in a devil style pentagram thing.

imageHe goes back to his pals and is like, “So they’re all dead….that’s kinda weird right?” The leader gets racist with it and is like, “They’re wildlings, of course they killed each other, have you seen their parades?” The other two are like, “Yeah, so… we can go home now, right?” The leader (who my mom says looks like Matt Damon) says, “We can go investigate this grisly murder scene you found or you can run away like little girls and when they catch you, they’ll kill you for being deserters of the Night Watch.”

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The leader then uses the preferred method of motivation in the Seven Kingdoms by calling them both a pussies a bunch of times. They’re like, “Fine, but you’re buying us Breakfast Scrambles after.” They get to the site of the bbq and there’s nothing there, no wildlings, no hacked up dead people, no bbq. Then one finds some shit on the ground. Behind the leader one of the dead people pops up, now a zombie with creepy blue eyes. His friend is like, “Whatever you do, don’t look…” The leader of course looks behind him and gets an axe in the face. The blond has wisely chosen to run away from this bbq of terror when he’s caught by a child zombie. He then sees his pal get caught by a zombie. The zombie cuts his friend’s head off and throws it at him, which is just super impolite for starters. He looks at the head at his feet then at the zombie:
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Theme Song!

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