A Song of Ice and Lolz
"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "
Contact: asongoficeandlolz@gmail.com
Recap Season 3, Episode 7
(Sorry this recap is late! In my defense, I was at festival that had an Urban Ren Faire, so I feel like I was doing Game of Thrones related activities. (It was wonderful, there was a guy dressed as a centaur who looked exactly like Devon Sawa in the 90’s.) So the bad news is the recap is up late, the good news is I found the love of my life and he’s dancing to techno dressed as a centaur at an Urban Ren Faire tent in Brooklyn. Don’t know how I’m going to explain that to my parents.)
Previously, Flaying, Epileptic fits, Lullabies, Wall climbing, Wall falling, Gendry stealing, Freys freying, Littlefinger leaving, and Tywin admitting (with his eyes) his bisexuality.
North!
The Wildlings have crossed the Wall and are making their way to Castle Black. It will take them a week to get there, so they have time for Jon and Ygritte to flirt and for Orell to insert himself into their relationship.
Jon and Ygritte have a long conversation about Wildling fighting vs. Seven Kingdoms fighting where Ygritte makes fun of the Westori for being pansies and banging drums and carrying banners (I’ve always wondered that too Ygritte! Mostly because I always thought that seemed like a cool job? Like, if I ever had to go to war, I’d like to be the one holding the banner? Let’s not unpack it.) Jon explains to her that it’s all part of the discipline and traditions of a first world country, like having roads and a postal service.
Ygritte, “It just seems silly to have drummers. It’s war not a Step Up movie.”
Jon, “Well excuse us for having a sense of occasion. Also they help the men march.”
Ygritte, “You forget how to walk? “And she hops up and starts jumping around, making fun of marching soldiers and they’re both lolling.
Jon, “No if you want a bunch of people to work and fight as a unit they have to do it as the same beat. You Wildlings don’t get it.”
Ygritte, “No we don’t. When we attack we sure as shit won’t be banging any fucking drums.”
Jon, “No you’ll just be lighting a giant fire. That’s much more discreet.”
Ygritte, “One more time as a family!” And the entire group of Wildlings yell, “You know nothing Jon Snow!!” And she walks away. Orell approaches Jon. (Orell has taken it on himself to be Jon and Ygritte’s relationship counselor. I guess because turning into a bird, climbing the wall and planning an attack on the Night’s Watch is super boring and he has nothing else to do?)
Orell, “She’s right.”
Jon, “And then there’s this asshole. I know you cut me loose.”
Orell, “Cut her loose too.”
Jon:
Orell, “Don’t see her bitching about it. That’s because she understands the way things are.”
Jon, “What’s that? What’s the deep wisdom you found in the head of a bird?”
Jon:
Orell, “You want some Wildling wisdom? People work together when it suits ‘em. They’re loyal when it suits ‘em. Love each other when it suits ‘em. And they kill each other when it suits ‘em. She knows it, you don’t, which is why you guys are gonna break up one day.”
Orell:
Jon, “We’re gonna be fine! God, shut up!”
Orell, “You know nothing Jon Snow.”
Jon, “Yeah that’s one of those things that’s kinda only okay when Ygritte says it.”
(Meanwhile Ghost:
)
Recap: Season 2 Episode 9
Previously: Duffel bags full of daggers, Jaime and Brienne roadtripping, Ros getting the short end of the stick yet again, Failed attempt at assassinating Tywin Lannister, Successful attempt at assassinating a bunch of guards, Qhorin losing his hat, The complete rewriting of the Arya, Robb and Catelyn characters, Meeting the Lord of Bones, Jon becoming a secret double agent, Everyone being called a cunt, Me: 
Etc.
This is it guys! 
Right upfront: This. This is television so good it surpasses television. Let’s stop fucking around and just submit this shit to the Oscars. (They have what? 15 best picture nominees now? One could be a television episode. Who’s gonna argue? It’s a little late for them to squabble about the rules.) Peter Dinklage should be nominated for and win an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor (which he can only lose to Matthew McConaughey for Magic Mike.)
Boats!
Davos is standing on a deck looking out at the fuck ton of boats that Stannis has at his disposal. All the sailors on the ships are mentally preparing themselves for battle, looking how I look before a big test. One guy gets up and vomits. Which, dude! That’d be me! (Also is that a barrel filled with just vomit?? Why would you have that?)
Stannis is preternaturally calm:
Matthos, “The wind is against us.”
Davos, “It will blow us to King’s Landing.”
Matthos, “You excited to go home?”
Davos, “I haven’t thought of King’s Landing as home in 20 years. It’s more a place I lived that one time. What’s weird is I’m still not used to wearing my captain’s hat vs. my pirate’s hat. I spent most of my life dodging the royal fleet.”
Matthos, “Uhh correction: This is the royal fleet and you are the high captain.”
Davos, “Well, I am one of many captains of many royal fleets.”
Matthos, “Not for long. After tonight, Stannis is going to be king and you’ll be his hand.”
Davos, “Gods willing.”
Matthos, “There is only the creepy red god!”
Davos, “Yeah, I know all about your weirdo god.”
Matthos, “But everybody in King’s Landing and the audience wants us to kill Joffrey.”
Davos, “Right but to do that we first have to win this battle. One step at a time.”
Matthos, “But our army outnumbers them 5-1!!!”
Davos, “But war is chaos and who knows what tricks Tyrion has up his sleeve. Add to that the fact that the walls of King’s Landing have never been breached and they won’t see us as liberators so much as people coming to set their shit on fire and this is going to get pretty complicated.”
Matthos, “I trust you and I love you.”
Davos, “That is super sweet.”
And Salladhor Saan prepares all his boats:
Stannis Baratheon -> Mitt Romney
Rich, old, boring, white men who are always in a bad mood. Both have weird religious beliefs that make everyone uncomfortable. Even people who know that they should vote for them don’t want to. Possibly a robot.
Robb Stark -> Barack Obama
Like Robb wouldn’t run a positive, hope-filled campaign with the catchphrase, “Yes We Can.” A video of him singing Al Green would totally find it’s way online and have every person in the Seven Kingdoms’ swooning.
Renly Baratheon -> Joe Biden
Dude just wants to take the Amtrak train from Delaware to D.C. everyday, drink some buds, and have a good time. He might misspeak sometimes but you can’t hate him if you wanted to. Both dance around to Beyonce when alone in their bedrooms.
Viserys Targaryen -> Rick Perry
Has no problem killing 234 people, is less than the shadow of a snake. This.
Robert Baratheon ->John McCain
Was a totally hot, super fighter back in the day and had it going on there for a while but let old age, a shitty small council and the pressures of power push him off the rails.
Daenerys Targaryen -> Hillary Clinton
Blond ladies that were dicked over by the men in their lives. Both have to spend a lot of their time explaining to the media why “powerful woman” and “bitch” are not synonyms.
Mance Rayder -> Ron Paul
Former member of the military who is now the fringe leader of a ragtag group of independent thinkers. Has 0% chance in succeeding.
Balon Greyjoy -> Newt Gingrich
Old, white, angry, egomaniacs who overestimate their abilities and are shitty to their loved ones. Both hate jewelry and Newt’s the kind of guy who’s favorite animal would be a squid.
Joffrey Baratheon -> Rick Santorum
Scary, megalomaniacs who spend all their time screaming at everyone from the hole of anger in their chests where their heart should be. A real life incarnation of a Hunter S. Thompson, LSD-induced nightmare. Yup.
Tommen Baratheon -> Hermain Cain
Likes pizza, doesn’t know where Libya is.
