A Song of Ice and Lolz

"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "


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King’s Landing! The Sept!
Margaery walks down the aisle in her amazing gown with her insane perm and she looks fantastic. Her dress is covered in thorns which is thematically appropriate for Highgarden, but also a great defensive garment when you’re marrying a sociopath. (The Tyrells really think of everything.) Joffrey also looks stunning, can’t hate.
Joffrey:
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The priest wraps their hands together, tying them in a literal knot.
Priest, “House Tyrell, House Lannister and House Baratheon are one heart, cursed be he who would tear them asunder.”
Everyone in the audience, “Awkward coughing.”
Joffrey, “With this kiss, I pledge my love.”
And then they make out in a way that makes everyone uncomfortable.
Everyone, “I always thought he was kinda sexless?”
Sansa, “Looks like we have a new queen now.”
Tyrion, “1. Don’t let Cersei hear you say that. 2. Better her than you.”
Joffrey, “Okay, Margaery and I are going to go do some photos, but we’d love for you to join us all for cocktail hour followed by the reception. So if you could all go outside, there are shuttles waiting to take you to the next location, and everyone please remember the hashtag for the weekend is #purplewedding, so tag the pictures you post appropriately, I don’t want to miss anything!”

Cliffs!
Tywin seeks Olenna out! (Which I love! You got a crush papa Lannister! (If all the Lannisters are marrying Tyrells, why can’t you two get married!))
Tywin, “Bit much wouldn’t you say?”
Olenna, “Ugh you are such a dad right now.” 
Tywin, “The word extravagant has been used.”
Olenna, “What good is the word extravagant if it can’t be used to describe a royal wedding?”
Tywin, “People who spend money on weddings tend to not have money for long.”
Olenna, “You have your ways of winning the war, I have mine.”

"The people are hungry for more than just food. They crave distractions. And if we don’t provide them, they’ll create their own. And their distractions are likely to end with us being torn to pieces. A royal wedding is much safer."

Olenna, “You ought to try enjoying something before you die, you might find that it suits you.”
Tywin, “Are you hitting on me?”
Everyone, “I hope so!”
Mace, “Mother!”
Olenna, “Go away Mace! I’m flirting with Tywin!”
Mace, “Alright.”
Olenna, “Sorry about that he is the worst.”
Tywin, “I hate my children too!”
Olenna, “We are well suited. Anyway don’t know what you’re bitching about, I paid for most of this.”
Tywin, “I kinda love that you have more money than me.”
Olenna, “Right? And I’m going to be coughing up more soon I’m sure. Wars are long and expensive and everyone knows the crown is in mega debt to the Iron Bank since Littlefinger fucked off and stopped being the magic Master of Coin. The Iron Bank does not fuck around, they’ll be here soon breaking knee caps if they don’t get their due, they love to remind everyone like you Lannisters and your debts.”
Tywin, “I’m not worried.”
Olenna, “No you’re too smart for all that. Come Tywin, let’s celebrate young love.”
Tywin, “I would rather be shot in the face.”
Olenna, “Me too, but we have to.”

"Every once in a very long while, Lord Tywin Lannister would actually threaten to smile; he never did, but the threat alone was terrible to behold."

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Recap: Episode 2, Season 4 
(So Tumblr is being super crashy with this post (I just have too many gifs/thoughts on Game of Thrones for this website to handle) so I’m splitting this recap into two (which kinda works since the last 20 minutes were basically their own mini episode anyway.) This is part one, part two posted after, (you’re smart, you’ll get it.))

Previously: Tywin disowned Jaime, Cersei broke up with Jaime, Joffrey made fun of Jaime, Brienne scolded Jaime, Podrick got a haircut, We met the Red Viper, Something gay happened, They recast Daario, Dontos gave Sansa a necklace, Ice was ruined, Needle was found, and Arya knocked some people off her “to kill” list

Dreadfort!
And……………………………………………………………I can’t with this scene. I tried, but I can’t. Reading about how Ramsay likes to rape young girls and then set them free so he can hunt them down and then rape/murder/flay them is one thing, having to actually watch it is another. We already saw Ramsay hunt the most dangerous game when he did this to Theon, so I’m not sure what this scene is telling us that we don’t already know? That he trained his dogs to acquire an appetite for human flesh? We probably could have put that together using context clues. I guess it introduces his non-book-canonical “cool girl" supportive girlfriend who shares his hobbies; which-it’s nice that he found someone-but the only way I can see that relationship ending is him chasing her down to rape/murder/flay her, and, again, that doesn’t feel wholly necessary. I guess the important part is Theon’s broken face at the end, but again, we already know Theon moved into a k-hole and decorated it with posters and furniture to make it feel like home, we don’t necessarily need that underlined. Sometimes, and I know this might sound crazy, when it comes to sexual violence and people being eaten alive by dogs, less is more.

King’s Landing!
Tyrion and Jaime are having a super adorable brothers’ lunch together! (When was the last time you two hung out? Was it the second episode? Where you had a hangover breakfast and talked about how much Jaime would hate being a cripple and how Tyrion was going to the Wall? That was so long ago guys! So much has happened!! Did you know there are dragons now?)
Podrick is serving Tyrion and Jaime sausage, (why do they always show sausage after scenes with Ramsay?! (I’m kidding, I know.))
Tyrion, “I don’t know what you’re bitching about. I like your new hand. It goes great with your haircut. I think it’s even better than your old one. Pod, tell Jaime how handsome he looks with his new hand.” (Tyrion is the best little brother ever.) 
Podrick, “Very handsome, sir.”
Jaime, “Thank you, Pod.”
Podrick, “Is it solid gold?”
Tyrion, “The point is to make people think it is, it’s actually just gilded steel.”
Podrick, “You can’t tell the difference.”
Tyrion,”See! Hey, why are you not eating? Why is no one eating? First Sansa, now you. The war’s over! It’s peacetime, we should be happy. Why is everyone around me debilitatingly depressed?”
Tyrion:

"Winter is coming, warned the Stark words, and truly it had come to them with a vengeance. But it is high summer for House Lannister. So why am I so bloody cold?” 

Jaime, “I’m on a diet.”
Tyrion, “Well that’s silly, you just lost half your hand weight.”
Jaime:
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Tyrion, “Kidding! Jesus, no one can take a joke around here anymore. C’mon, try the boar, Cersei can’t get enough of it since one killed Robert for her… Nothing? Really? This is some of my best material. Here, how bout we drink instead? I propose a toast! To us being reunited! All the Lannister children, the cripple, the dwarf and the mother of madness. We are crushing it.”
And then Jaime legit:
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Pod, “On it!”
Jaime, “No, you’re only make me feel more like an invalid, I’ll do it. Please, leave me alone with my shame.”
Podrick, “As you wish.”
Tyrion, “It’s only wine! Wine, wine wine. What’s the worst wine can do? Here let me spill this wine all over the table and then refill your glass. Me and wine, totally normal.”
Jaime, finally admitting to someone in a whisper even though they’re all alone,  “I can’t fight anymore.”
Tyrion, not reacting negatively, “What about your other hand?”
Jaime, “It’s a piece of shit, I’m not ambidextrous. How can I protect the king if I can’t wipe my own ass?”
Tyrion, “You’re forty! Have you thought about retiring?”
Jaime, “Oh lord, not you too.”
Tyrion, “I’m not saying retire from King’s Landing, I mean retire from fighting. You can serve on the board of the King’s Guard. Let everyone else fight for the king, Look at dad, he hasn’t been in active combats in years and he just won a war.”
Jaime, “Dad’s always been a Machiavellian politician, that was a natural progression. I’m a rock star fighter. I was the best knight in the Seven Kingdoms when I was 16, that’s all I’ve been my entire life. When people find out, I’ll be fucked.”
Tyrion, “Enough pity party. Just practice, become the left-handed Kingslayer.”
Jaime, “With whom? You? Not with cellphones these days, as soon as someone discovers I can’t fight it will be all over Twitter.”
Tyrion, “Don’t even worry about it bro. I got you.”
Jaime, “Man I missed having you around.”
Tyrion, “Ditto.”
(So in the books Jaime trains with Ilyn Payne because he doesn’t have a tongue because he is brilliant. But the actor who plays Ilyn Payne had to leave the show for very sad reasons and I think they made a brilliant, brilliant choice to replace him.)

Bronn! Bronn! Bronn!
Jaime, “Since you’re married to my brother I’m inclined to trust you.”
Bronn, “Since you shit gold like your father, I’m inclined to do what you ask.”
Jaime tosses him gold.
Jaime, “You sure no one will see us here? It seems a little…open.”
Bronn, “This is my cliff-side sex alcove where I bone married ladies.”
Jaime, “Ew, can we go somewhere else?”
Bronn, “If they don’t hear my sex, they won’t hear us.”
Jaime, “Okay enough about your love life, can we fight?”
Jaime picks up his sword.
Bronn, “Uh-uh, we’re all very impressed with the present your daddy got you, but I’m already covered in scars, I’m not looking to add more. We are starting with the basics.”
Jaime, “I haven’t used a sparring sword since I was nine.”
Bronn, “Yes, we all know how hot you used to be.”
Jaime goes to pick up the sword and Bronn starts hacking at him. 
Jaime, “You don’t fight with honor.”
Bronn, “Nope. Never have, never will.”
Jaime, “Attacking me before I’m ready…. “
Bronn, “You are troubled. Good, trouble is the perfect time to train. When you’re dancing in the meadow with your dolls and kittens, this not when fighting happens. How can you be quick as a snake, quiet as a shadow, when you’re somewhere else?”
Jaime, “Stop teasing me, I still have my right hand.”
Bronn, “What are you gonna do, knock some wine over at me?”
Jaime, “I see why you and Tyrion work so well together.”
And then there’s a lovely moment where Bronn gets the better of Jaime and Jaime takes a moment to swallow all his anger and pity and then stands back up and says, “Come on then.” Jaime Lannister character development ya’ll. It gives me life.

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Hi friends!

So I want to say first, thank you to my wonderful followers!!
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This season has been some fucking fantastic television and it’s so much fun to write about. Thank you guys for reading!

So I’m going out of town for the weekend (to a cabin in the woods that does not have internet (I’m as upset by those words as you are)), so I won’t have Saturday to spend editing which means the finale recap won’t get posted till next week. (Which I promise it will be! No year long gap this time.) 
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Also I have a bunch of wonderful asks I will respond to in an extended Q&A. (I’m sorry I don’t respond to these during the season but these recaps are such beasts they eat up all my spare time.) Please keep sending your thoughts/feelings/questions, you guys make me lol so hard. 
Renly Clapping (Game of Thrones)

And I still have six episodes from Season One to post, which I’ll be posting in the off season. (They’re all written except for episode 5, which I just can’t wrap my head around for some reason.) Anyway, those are on the way. (Though this is all assuming I survive this weekend, since a group of friends going to a cabin in the woods with no internet is the perfect setting for every horror movie ever.
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(But as a single female brunette with a lot of pop culture knowledge I feel I have a good shot at being the sole survivor. So, fingers crossed, you’ll get the recap regardless.))

Thanks again for reading!! And for your messages of encouragement!! And for never mentioning my insane typos!!! I will see you next week.
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Recap Season 3, Episode 7

(Sorry this recap is late! In my defense, I was at festival that had an Urban Ren Faire, so I feel like I was doing Game of Thrones related activities. (It was wonderful, there was a guy dressed as a centaur who looked exactly like Devon Sawa in the 90’s.) So the bad news is the recap is up late, the good news is I found the love of my life and he’s dancing to techno dressed as a centaur at an Urban Ren Faire tent in Brooklyn. Don’t know how I’m going to explain that to my parents.)

Previously, Flaying, Epileptic fits, Lullabies, Wall climbing, Wall falling, Gendry stealing, Freys freying, Littlefinger leaving, and Tywin admitting (with his eyes) his bisexuality.

North!
The Wildlings have crossed the Wall and are making their way to Castle Black. It will take them a week to get there, so they have time for Jon and Ygritte to flirt and for Orell to insert himself into their relationship.
Jon and Ygritte have a long conversation about Wildling fighting vs. Seven Kingdoms fighting where Ygritte makes fun of the Westori for being pansies and banging drums and carrying banners  (I’ve always wondered about that too Ygritte! Mostly because I always thought that seemed like a cool job? Like, if I ever had to go to war, I’d like to be the one holding the banner? Let’s not unpack it.) Jon explains to her that it’s all part of the discipline and traditions of a first world country, like having roads and a postal service.
Ygritte, “It just seems silly to have drummers. It’s war not a Step Up movie.”
Jon, “Well excuse us for having a sense of occasion. Also they help the men march.”
Ygritte, “You forget how to walk? “And she hops up and starts jumping around, making fun of marching soldiers and they’re both lolling.
Jon, “No if you want a bunch of people to work and fight as a unit they have to do it as the same beat. You Wildlings don’t get it.”
Ygritte, “No we don’t. When we attack we sure as shit won’t be banging any fucking drums.”
Jon, “No you’ll just be lighting a giant fire. That’s much more discreet.”
Ygritte, “One more time as a family!” And the entire group of Wildlings yell, “You know nothing Jon Snow!!” And she walks away. Orell approaches Jon. (Orell has taken it on himself to be Jon and Ygritte’s relationship counselor. I guess because turning into a bird, climbing the wall and planning an attack on the Night’s Watch is super boring and he has nothing else to do?)
Orell, “She’s right.”
Jon, “And then there’s this asshole. I know you cut me loose.”
Orell, “Cut her loose too.”
Jon:
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Orell, “Don’t see her bitching about it. That’s because she understands the way things are.”
Jon, “What’s that? What’s the deep wisdom you found in the head of a bird?”
Jon:
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Orell, “You want some Wildling wisdom? People work together when it suits ‘em. They’re loyal when it suits ‘em. Love each other when it suits ‘em. And they kill each other when it suits ‘em. She knows it, you don’t, which is why you guys are gonna break up one day.”
Orell:
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Jon, “We’re gonna be fine! God, shut up!”
Orell, “You know nothing Jon Snow.”

Jon, “Yeah that’s one of those things that’s kinda only okay when Ygritte says it.” 
(Meanwhile Ghost:
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Recap: Season 2 Episode 9
Previously: Duffel bags full of daggers, Jaime and Brienne roadtripping, Ros getting the short end of the stick yet again, Failed attempt at assassinating Tywin Lannister, Successful attempt at assassinating a bunch of guards, Qhorin losing his hat, The complete rewriting of the Arya, Robb and Catelyn characters, Meeting the Lord of Bones, Jon becoming a secret double agent, Everyone being called a cunt, Me:
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Etc.


This is it guys!
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Right upfront: This. This is television so good it surpasses television. Let’s stop fucking around and just submit this shit to the Oscars. (They have what? 15 best picture nominees now? One could be a television episode. Who’s gonna argue? It’s a little late for them to squabble about the rules.) Peter Dinklage should be nominated for and win an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor (which he can only lose to Matthew McConaughey for Magic Mike.)

Boats!
Davos is standing on a deck looking out at the fuck ton of boats that Stannis has at his disposal.  All the sailors on the ships are mentally preparing themselves for battle, looking how I look before a big test. One guy gets up and vomits. Which, dude! That’d be me! (Also is that a barrel filled with just vomit?? Why would you have that?) 
Stannis is preternaturally calm:
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Matthos, “The wind is against us.”
Davos, “It will blow us to King’s Landing.”
Matthos, “You excited to go home?”
Davos, “I haven’t thought of King’s Landing as home in 20 years. It’s more a place I lived that one time. What’s weird is I’m still not used to wearing my captain’s hat vs. my pirate’s hat. I spent most of my life dodging the royal fleet.”
Matthos, “Uhh correction: This is the royal fleet and you are the high captain.”
Davos, “Well, I am one of many captains of many royal fleets.”
Matthos, “Not for long. After tonight, Stannis is going to be king and you’ll be his hand.”
Davos, “Gods willing.”
Matthos, “There is only the creepy red god!”
Davos, “Yeah, I know all about your weirdo god.”
Matthos, “But everybody in King’s Landing and the audience wants us to kill Joffrey.”
Davos, “Right but to do that we first have to win this battle. One step at a time.”
Matthos, “But our army outnumbers them 5-1!!!”
Davos, “But war is chaos and who knows what tricks Tyrion has up his sleeve. Add to that the fact that the walls of King’s Landing have never been breached and they won’t see us as liberators so much as people coming to set their shit on fire and this is going to get pretty complicated.”
Matthos, “I trust you and I love you.”
Davos, “That is super sweet.”
And Salladhor Saan prepares all his boats:
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Stannis Baratheon -> Mitt Romney

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Rich, old, boring, white men who are always in a bad mood. Both have weird religious beliefs that make everyone uncomfortable. Even people who know that they should vote for them don’t want to. Possibly a robot.

Robb Stark -> Barack Obama

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Like Robb wouldn’t run a positive, hope-filled campaign with the catchphrase, “Yes We Can.” A video of him singing Al Green would totally find it’s way online and have every person in the Seven Kingdoms’ swooning.

Renly Baratheon -> Joe Biden

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Dude just wants to take the Amtrak train from Delaware to D.C. everyday, drink some buds, and have a good time. He might misspeak sometimes but you can’t hate him if you wanted to. Both dance around to Beyonce when alone in their bedrooms.

Viserys Targaryen -> Rick Perry

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Has no problem killing 234 people, is less than the shadow of a snake. This.

Robert Baratheon ->John McCain

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Was a totally hot, super fighter back in the day and had it going on there for a while but let old age, a shitty small council and the pressures of power push him off the rails.

Daenerys Targaryen -> Hillary Clinton

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Blond ladies that were dicked over by the men in their lives. Both have to spend a lot of their time explaining to the media why “powerful woman” and “bitch” are not synonyms. 

Mance Rayder -> Ron Paul

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Former member of the military who is now the fringe leader of a ragtag group of independent thinkers. Has 0% chance in succeeding. 

Balon Greyjoy -> Newt Gingrich

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Old, white, angry, egomaniacs who overestimate their abilities and are shitty to their loved ones. Both hate jewelry and Newt’s the kind of guy who’s favorite animal would be a squid.

Joffrey Baratheon -> Rick Santorum

Scary, megalomaniacs who spend all their time screaming at everyone from the hole of anger in their chests where their heart should be. A real life incarnation of a Hunter S. Thompson, LSD-induced nightmare. Yup.

Tommen Baratheon -> Hermain Cain

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Likes pizza, doesn’t know where Libya is.