"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "
Recap: Episode 1, Season 4
That was fast!
Last season: Robb died, Catelyn died, Talisa died, Talisa’s unborn baby died, Greywind died, Ros died, Orell died, Lord Mormont died, Craster died, Catelyn’s dad died, Theon lost his penis, some teeth and his mind, Jaime finally made it back to King’s Landing, Sam and Jon finally made it back to the Wall, Bran went beyond the Wall, Mance is ready to attack the Wall, Stannis is going to defend the Wall, Yara is going to find Theon, Sansa married Tyrion, Joffrey is marrying Margaery, Cersei is marrying Loras, Arya started hanging out with the Hound, Littlefinger was headed to the Vale, Daenerys was headed to Meeren, and Rickon set out on a perilous and mysterious adventure for the great unknown armed with nothing but his wits, a violent temper and a feral direwolf.
In a fancy wolf pelt scabbard is Ned’s sword, Ice.
Tywin unsheathes it and gives it to a special armorer, (NOT Gendry) who melts it down. Tywin puts on his iPod and cranks up “Rains of Castamere” and rocks out while watching them rework the steel into two swords.
Tywin then takes the wolf pelt scabbard and throws it into a fire just to really rub it in that the Starks are gone, because why not give us all PTSD Red Wedding flashbacks .02 seconds into the premiere? One thing Tywin, will you let us have one thing?
We’re back! (How I missed you!)
We get to see the Dreadfort (home to House Bolton) in the credits.
And pretty Meereen.
Hand of the King’s Room!
Jaime’s back with an awesome hair cut.
Tywin is giving him one of the swords he made in the cold open.
Jaime, “Sweet sword dad! Who knew you were cool?”
Jaime, “But seriously, how’d you get this? It looks brand new.”
Tywin, “That’s cause she is.”
Jaime, “Bullshit. You just bought a Valyrian steel sword? Where?”
Tywin, “No, you idiot. I flew out a fancy armorer from Volantis and put him up at a five star hotel in the city cause Tywin Lannister is:
Jaime, “But where did you get the raw materials? Valyrian steel is extinct.”
Tywin, “Get this, I used Ice.”
Jaime, “You’re giving me Ned Stark’s sword? That is so fucked up.”
Tywin, “I know, right?”
Jaime, “But like, even for you.”
Jaime, “Is there any horror you won’t subject the Starks to?”
Tywin, “Not really, no.”
Jaime, “Well, our family did always want a Valyrian steel sword.”
Tywin, “Now we have two. Everything is coming up Lannister!”
Jaime, “I gotta admit, having rich parents is awesome.” He genuinely thanks Tywin and Tywin nods and it is the most functional interaction we’ve seen him have with any of his children, let’s hope he doesn’t ruin it in 3, 2, 1…
Jaime clumsily puts the sword down.
His eyes went back to Jaime’s stump, and his mouth grew taut with fury. “We’ll have their heads. Every one. Can you use a sword with your left hand?”
I can hardly dress myself in the morning. Jaime held up the hand in question for his father’s inspection. “Four fingers, a thumb, much like the other, Why shouldn’t it work as well?”
Tywin, “You’ll never be as good.”
Jaime, “Jesus. You ever heard of not kicking a man while he’s down?”
Tywin, “It’s my joie de vivre.”
Jaime, “Whatever. Don’t worry about it. Tis but a scratch.”
(We can talk when I’m less emotional about it, about how devastated Jaime is about losing his hand but how he makes a joke and down plays it any time someone brings it up.)
Tywin, “You know you can’t keep your job with one hand.”
Jaime, “Where is that in my contract? Kingsguard is ride or die.”
Tywin, “Look, the war is over and this is awkward, but no one really needs you anymore. Joffrey’s totally safe.”
Jaime, “Is he? Cause I personally know about a hundred people who would kill him right now if they could, and not even because he’s king, just for the joy of it.”
Tywin, “Look you’ve been gone a long time, he was kept alive the whole time you were gone. You can go home and no one will even notice.”
Jaime, “Say what now?”
Tywin, “Casterly Rock, you can go and rule.”
Jaime, “But that’s your house.”
Tywin, “I am the King’s Hand, and unlike the other ones, I’m not an idiot. I know how this position works and no way am I making it back to Casterly Rock. Plus I’m old as shit, it’s time for you to fulfill the destiny I have painstakingly planned for you.”
Jaime, “My life is 95% getting shit for violating the number one rule of being in the Kingsguard; don’t kill the king. I’m not going to violate the second rule; don’t leave until you’re dead.”
Tywin, “Joffrey kicked Barristan to the curb even though he wasn’t dead, and that worked out perfectly. He’s not secretly aiding a usurper across the narrow sea or anything. So there’s total precedent for him to fire you.”
Tywin, “Okay, I really wasn’t asking.”
Jaime, “Doesn’t matter.”
Tywin, “You’re going to put your fucking honor before - “
Jaime, “Nobody gives a fuck about my honor, least of all me,” he lies, “but my answer is still ‘no.’ I don’t want your stupid castle.”
Tywin, “Doesn’t anyone want Casterly Rock?”
Tyrion, “I’LL TAKE IT!”
Tywin, “God, I can’t give this thing away.”
Jaime, “Look marriage isn’t really my bag.”
Tywin, “You’ll get your inheritance and you’ll live in our giant mansion and you will keep the Lannister name going by reminding people of how sick we are and making them eat it.”
Jaime, “Not really feeling it.”
Tywin, “Are you insane? You just spent two entire seasons covered in shit walking half the continent on foot. Don’t you want a change of pace? Get a steady job with benefits, knock off everyday at 5 PM? Go home watch some Netflix and relax? You won’t have to deal with Joffrey’s shit everyday, or mine. I am asking you to do the literal easiest thing you could do. There are two options in King’s Landing, 1. Get murdered and 2. Get tortured gruesomely and then get murdered. I’m giving you an out.”
Jaime, “I don’t want a wife, I don’t want children, and I don’t want to be no lord of no Casterly Rock.”
Tywin, “Well then the fuck do you want?”
Jaime, “To fuck my sister and for everyone to get off my nuts.”
Tywin, “How are all three of my children such massive disappointments?”
Jaime, “Well you are a pretty awful parent.”
Tywin, “For forty years…”
Jaime, “Wait, am I forty??”
Tywin, “Anyway, for forty long years I’ve tried to teach you, but it’s too fucking late now. If you want to crush all my hopes and dreams by becoming a nun, I can’t stop you.”
Jaime, “I assume this means I can’t keep the sword.”
Tywin, “Consider it a parting gift. We’re done. Every time you use it I want you to think about me and all the ways you disappointed me.”
Recap Season 3, Episode 10
Christmas comes early for Roose Bolton, who climbs to the top of the Twins so he can get the best seat possible to watch as the Freys decimate the drunk Stark army and it is brutal.
They’re hanging them, lighting them on fire, chopping off legs, doing all the disgusting things Freys do when given a small amount of power.
Roose loves it:
The Hound has tiny passed out Arya on his lap and smartly grabs a Frey banner as he attempts to get them out of there. (I like that quick thinking Hound, branding is important. Keep your head in the game. Everyone we love is dead, we need you to stay alive!) He’s trying to get them out of there, when from the castle a group of people emerges chanting, “The King In The North!”
This is the worst thing in the world. Worst than anything the show has done before. They bring Robb out and they have sewed Grey Wind’s head to his body.
I can’t believe they showed it.
It’s just too much.
Arya wakes up just in time to see this.
And she was right to be nervous last episode, all her worst fears are coming true!
And she had to be there when Ned was beheaded, now this too.
Arya loses whatever sanity she had left while behind her the Stark banners burn.
It’s almost too much to handle.
Tyrion and Sansa are enjoying a lovely mid afternoon stroll with Shae in the gardens. Two shitty bros walk by and giggle at them. Tyrion begins muttering their names under his breath.
Tyrion, “Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall, Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall …”
Sansa, “You okay there Rain Man?”
Tyrion, “Yeah, sorry, just updating my list.”
Sansa, “A murder list?”
Tyrion, “For laughing at me? Do I look like Joffrey?”
Sansa, “No, but you are a Lannister, so I thought I’d double check.”
Tyrion, “I may be a Lannister but I’m not a monster.”
Sansa, “You call him that too?! Oh isn’t it great, we can talk like this!”
Tyrion, “Murder and mayhem isn’t really my style. I prefer a more subtle terror…”
Sansa, like every mom ever, ”You should learn to ignore them.”
Tyrion, “Uh, yeah thanks for the condescending advice. But I’ve been dealing with this since the moment I was born. You’ve only had a bad few years. Constant laughing and belittlement really eats away at the soul in a way that can’t be dismissed by self help platitudes. I am the half man, the demon monkey, the imp.”
Sansa, “Yeah, but at least your family still runs shit. I am the disgraced daughter of the traitor Ned Stark.”
Tyrion, “The disgraced daughter and the demon monkey, we’re perfect for each other.” And Sansa smiles!! And laughs!
Tyrion looks back at Shae.
Shae, “You’re friends now? That’s greeeaaat.”
Sansa, “So, alright I’m on board, how are we gonna do it?”
Tyrion, “Do what?”
Sansa, “Punish those two yokels for making fun of you.”
Tyrion, “Oh, that. Full disclosure, what I usually do is talk to Varys, get their internet history, and then blackmail them with whatever creepy stuff they’re into. It will definitely work on those dudes, anyone called Desmond Crakehall must be a pervert.”
Sansa, “Yeah well, popular opinion is that you’re a total pervert, but I know for a fact that you’re not.”
Tyrion, “Hey now, that’s our little secret. I’m the imp, I have a reputation I have to live down to.”
Sansa is lolzing and really excited, she takes a seat to look Tyrion in the eye and it’s the youngest we’ve seen her be in forever! (I love their bonding.)
Sansa, “I’ve got an idea!”
Tyrion, “Well get in here girl, let’s hear it.”
Sansa, “We could put sheep shift in Ser Desmond’s bed.”
Shae, “What now?”
Sansa, “You cut a little hole in his mattress and you stuff sheep shift inside. Then you sew up the hole and make his bed again. His room will stink, but he won’t know where it’s coming from.”
Tyrion, “Welcome to the party Lady Sansa! Look at you Starks being fun, I didn’t know that was a thing you did.” (I want Sansa and Tyrion to have an extended montage where they run around King’s Landing pulling pranks on people. They can toilet paper the Red Keep, put tacks on the Iron throne, Nair in Cersei’s shampoo bottle, general hi-jinks. Varys can assist. It would be great. (But also guys, if you’re gonna be pranking anyone, let’s start with Joffrey.))
Sansa, “Things used to get pretty wild at Winterfell. Arya used to do that when she was pissed at me, and she was pissed at me a lot.”
Tyrion, “I like where you’re going with this, but one quick question, what is “sheep shift?”“
Sansa, conspiratorially, “In the North, that’s the vulgar word for dung.” (Also sidebar! Arya! That is disgusting! If there was shit anywhere near my bed, I would burn my apartment to the ground and move.)
And Tyrion can’t stop himself from being charmed by her because she’s being super cute right now.
Sansa, “Well you asked!”
Tyrion, “No, I love it, diabolical in its simplicity. It’s perfect.”
Then Podrick comes running through the garden, tripping over fangirls on his way.
Podrick, “Allow me to interrupt this beautiful moment forever, but Small Council calls.”
Recap Season 3, Episode 7
(Sorry this recap is late! In my defense, I was at festival that had an Urban Ren Faire, so I feel like I was doing Game of Thrones related activities. (It was wonderful, there was a guy dressed as a centaur who looked exactly like Devon Sawa in the 90’s.) So the bad news is the recap is up late, the good news is I found the love of my life and he’s dancing to techno dressed as a centaur at an Urban Ren Faire tent in Brooklyn. Don’t know how I’m going to explain that to my parents.)
Previously, Flaying, Epileptic fits, Lullabies, Wall climbing, Wall falling, Gendry stealing, Freys freying, Littlefinger leaving, and Tywin admitting (with his eyes) his bisexuality.
The Wildlings have crossed the Wall and are making their way to Castle Black. It will take them a week to get there, so they have time for Jon and Ygritte to flirt and for Orell to insert himself into their relationship.
Jon and Ygritte have a long conversation about Wildling fighting vs. Seven Kingdoms fighting where Ygritte makes fun of the Westori for being pansies and banging drums and carrying banners (I’ve always wondered about that too Ygritte! Mostly because I always thought that seemed like a cool job? Like, if I ever had to go to war, I’d like to be the one holding the banner? Let’s not unpack it.) Jon explains to her that it’s all part of the discipline and traditions of a first world country, like having roads and a postal service.
Ygritte, “It just seems silly to have drummers. It’s war not a Step Up movie.”
Jon, “Well excuse us for having a sense of occasion. Also they help the men march.”
Ygritte, “You forget how to walk? “And she hops up and starts jumping around, making fun of marching soldiers and they’re both lolling.
Jon, “No if you want a bunch of people to work and fight as a unit they have to do it as the same beat. You Wildlings don’t get it.”
Ygritte, “No we don’t. When we attack we sure as shit won’t be banging any fucking drums.”
Jon, “No you’ll just be lighting a giant fire. That’s much more discreet.”
Ygritte, “One more time as a family!” And the entire group of Wildlings yell, “You know nothing Jon Snow!!” And she walks away. Orell approaches Jon. (Orell has taken it on himself to be Jon and Ygritte’s relationship counselor. I guess because turning into a bird, climbing the wall and planning an attack on the Night’s Watch is super boring and he has nothing else to do?)
Orell, “She’s right.”
Jon, “And then there’s this asshole. I know you cut me loose.”
Orell, “Cut her loose too.”
Orell, “Don’t see her bitching about it. That’s because she understands the way things are.”
Jon, “What’s that? What’s the deep wisdom you found in the head of a bird?”
Orell, “You want some Wildling wisdom? People work together when it suits ‘em. They’re loyal when it suits ‘em. Love each other when it suits ‘em. And they kill each other when it suits ‘em. She knows it, you don’t, which is why you guys are gonna break up one day.”
Jon, “We’re gonna be fine! God, shut up!”
Orell, “You know nothing Jon Snow.”
Jon, “Yeah that’s one of those things that’s kinda only okay when Ygritte says it.”
Recap Season 3, Episode 4
Previously: Jaime lost his fucking hand. That’s it. That’s all you need to know.
Benioff and Weiss are out of control and need to be stopped before they ruin television for everyone.
She is Suffering!
(The episode starts in the depths of despair and raises us to the heights of exaltation. But this opening scene is rough. So rough I had a moment of “maybe this show is getting too dark for me,” (and then the end happened and it was fine, but Jesus Fucking Christ is this dark.))
Jaime is on his horse with his hand TIED AROUND HIS NECK.
And he is just a empty shell of a man. There is nothing happening behind those eyes and it is so grim and sad. This isn’t how our sparkly, witty Jaime is supposed to be! Two seconds in and my heart is already on the floor.
Locke, “Hey, can we sodomize you with your amputated hand?”
Congratulations Locke! You are fast becoming the worst person in the Seven Kingdoms. You have some steep competition, but you are getting there.
Locke, “Is that the kind of thing you and Cersei used to do?” (Okay, can we stop with the ass rapes Game of Thrones? And rapes full stop? Can we all get on the same page with that? (Also no judgment if that’s what they’re into Locke! (You could actually probably use it.))
It’s super sad because old Jaime would have some biting comeback about Locke’s obsession with his sex life but new Jaime just stares numbly into the distance.
Brienne is the only one who has her eye on the catatonic disaster that Jaime has become, because she’s the only one who spent months listening to him babble on for days and gets how out of character he’s being.
She sees Jaime start slumping out of his saddle and can’t do anything to stop it. She calls out for the others to help him.
Then Jaime falls off his horse and face plants in the MUD. This is just some Theon levels of degradation right here. (Maybe this is the curse you suffer if you attempt to kill Bran Stark? The complete and total destruction of your soul?)
Locke, “LOL, I’m totally Instagramming this. Hashtag, #fuckedupkingslayer.”
Then Jaime starts begging for water (begging these assholes must be so hard for him!)
Locke, “You sure you don’t want a back pillow?”
Jaime, “Just the water.”
And then one of the men approaches and opens his water and DUMPS IT ON JAIME’S HEAD.
Brienne is 400% done with their shit and is ready to start busting heads to protect her pal.
Jaime, “If I die my father won’t give you any gold.”
Locke, “Oh that’s enough out of you.” Like Jaime is being a whiny bitch in this scenario.
Me to Locke:
Locke gives him a wine skin and Jaime drinks all of it.
Locke, “I’ve never seen someone drink horse piss that fast.” (Locke, why do you have a wine skin filled with piss? How did you get that? Why is that a thing you carry on you?)
Jaime vomits up the horse piss while everyone laughs at him.
They haul him up and Jaime ELBOWS a dude in the face and steals his sword, because even the empty shell of Jaime Lannister still has moves. (Also how sad that they aren’t chaining him up anymore because the once great Kingslayer isn’t even a threat.) Despite using his non-dominant hand, Jaime puts up a heartbreakingly good fight. Brienne hops off her horse to help him (because they lurrve each other) and even tied up, without a sword she still takes out like four dudes cause she’s a bad ass bitch. But they are hopelessly outnumbered and they finally corral Brienne and beat Jaime into submission.
Locke literally kicks Jaime while he’s down and steps on his HAND until he lets go of the sword.
Locke, “You do that again and I’ll take your other hand.”
Jaime, “Yeah you won, I lost. I get it.”
They close up on Jaime’s mud covered face with his dead hand beside him.
Recap: Episode 3, Season 2
Previously: Reshuffling of the cabinet, Infanticide (again), No Robb, Greyjoy weirdness, Unconsummated sex between siblings, Gendry being the best character in the history of ever, Discussions of how you shit when you die, Sam getting a crush, Theon getting denied, Just generally complicated sexual politics, etc.
Picking up right where we left off, Craster drags Jon into his house waking everyone up in the middle of the night and unceremoniously kicking the Night’s Watch from his incest compound.
Craster, “I am very upset with Jon right now! I thought we had something! There’s no way a feeling that intense was one-sided! I had all these fantasies! He was going to stay here and we were going to raise my daughter/wives together! But it turns out he’s a snooping good for nothing! l feel more betrayed than Rachael Leigh Cooke when she found out Freddie Prinze Jr. was just pretending to date her to win a bet!”
Jon, “Sexily spits blood out of his mouth.” How does being covered in open wounds make you more attractive Kit Harrington? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Recap Episode 3, Season 1 (Spoiler alert: This episode is awesome. Also, there are spoilers.)
Previously: Twig Dolls, Hangovers, Fires, Cruelty to Animals, Face Knifing, Slapping, Slim Jims, Outdoor Pissing, Teaching of New Sexual Positions, etc.
The Starks arrive in the capitol and are like, “It’s loud, there are too many people, everyone’s so rude, how many Starbucks does one city need, there are so many homeless people, it’s too expensive.” A nerdy squire comes running up to Ned all, “OMG, there’s a council meeting happening and you’re already late. Is that what you’re wearing? You sure you don’t wanna put on a blazer?”
Ned, “These are my fancy clothes.”
Squire, “Going for the whole rugged, been riding for a month thing, well sure it works on you. Let’s go.” (Also I’m not telling HBO how to live their life, but it does seem kinda possible that these are the only clothes Ned Stark owns.)
They open the door to the main hall and Jaime is by himself reclining across the steps leading up to the Iron Throne. I’m going to do him the courtesy of assuming he was taking some self pics for his facebook profile because otherwise, what the hell you doing Jaime?
Ned starts having flashbacks. (During Robert’s Rebellion Jaime was in the Mad King’s secret service; when the rebellion was close to succeeding, Jaime had a “fuck this job” moment and murdered the king. After this happened Ned got to King’s Landing before Robert did and when he walked into the Red Keep, Jaime was chilling on the Iron Throne drinking a beer all:
And that pissed Ned off because the throne belonged to his boyfriend Robert. Even though Jaime totally gave it up to Robert, Ned didn’t like the implication.)
Jaime sarcastically, “Thank god you’re here Stark, we’re in need of your intense brand of northerness.” (I know Jaime’s fucking around but the Red Keep could really use some northern flavor.)
Ned, “Protecting the throne I see.” (Ned’s that annoying person in your office who bitches about you being on gchat when you should be working.)
Jaime, “That thing? Yeah, lots of people sit on it. Speaking of butts and specifically buttholes remember when Robert asked you to come to King’s Landing to wash his butt for him and you said yes?”
Ned, “Ugh, banter is so not my forte. I’m not great with sarcasm, we don’t have a lot of Jews in the north. Your face is very handsome what with no bruises…or something….”
Jaime, “Yeah people keep trying to land one on me but they haven’t cause I’m that good.’
Ned, “Or you just choose opponents…opponents….with short arms! Ha! Pussy.”
Jaime Lannister will tolerate a variety of shenanigans but he will not tolerate being called a pussy.
Jaime, “This must be so weird for you, I was totally standing right here when the Mad King murdered your uncle and dad with fire.” (The Mad King is Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator/I’m Still Here:
Jaime, “I’m going to tell you some more unnecessary details about your father’s gruesome death.”
Ned, “Remember how you did nothing to help him?”
Jamie, “In my defense, five hundred men did nothing to help him, because aside from the wonderful, happy place inside your head where everyone feels a deep-seated need to do what’s right, people are by and large pretty shitty.” (He’s also making an argument for democracy and the power of freedom of thought but I don’t think that’s his point.) “Annyyhooo, later when I killed the king I thought of your dad and I felt like I was doing a good thing.” (Like Cersei and her story about Robert’s dead baby, he’s telling the truth here, he’s just doing it for fucked up reasons. I think the Lannisters need friends who aren’t each other.) “Isn’t it weird how I totally avenged your father instead of you?”
Ned, “Oh fuck you pretty boy. You didn’t do it for my dad, you still totally blow for literally stabbing the king in the back.”
Jamie, “If I stabbed him in the belly would you admire me more?”
Ned, “1. I don’t admire you. 2. I’m over this. Stark out!” And starks off.
Recap: Season 1, Episode 1 (mild spoilers) HBO Series based on the fantasy novels, “A Song of Ice and Fire,” by George R.R. Martin (Think: Camelot + Lord of the Rings + Braveheart + Rape + Princess Bride + Night of the Living Dead + Dallas + Gladiator + How I Met Your Mother + Dragons)
Background: The kingdom in which all the main characters live, Westoros, is guarded at it’s northern end by a giant wall made of ice. The kingdom sends its prisoners (rapists/thieves/murders/highly born bastards) to man the wall to protect it from the “wildlings” who are the free people who live beyond the wall and don’t have kings and queens. It’d be like if Canada took the whole being ruled by Queen Elizabeth thing super seriously and put all its shoplifters and hockey game rioters on a giant fence between the Canada/American border, called it the “Night Watch,” and insisted that everyone be celibate in order to protect its citizens from guns, democracy, fatty foods, and limited access to health care.
So giant! So white! So cold! Three skeezy looking dudes, rangers of the Night Watch, ride their horses north of the wall trying to track some free people who wandered too close to the border. The blond one finds the wildlings’ bbq but instead of a bbq, everybody is dead and hacked up into body parts and arranged in a devil style pentagram thing.
He goes back to his pals and is like, “So they’re all dead….that’s kinda weird right?” The leader gets racist with it and is like, “They’re wildlings, of course they killed each other, have you seen their parades?” The other two are like, “Yeah, so… we can go home now, right?” The leader (who my mom says looks like Matt Damon) says, “We can go investigate this grisly murder scene you found or you can run away like little girls and when they catch you, they’ll kill you for being deserters of the Night Watch.”
The leader then uses the preferred method of motivation in the Seven Kingdoms by calling them both a pussies a bunch of times. They’re like, “Fine, but you’re buying us Breakfast Scrambles after.” They get to the site of the bbq and there’s nothing there, no wildlings, no hacked up dead people, no bbq. Then one finds some shit on the ground. Behind the leader one of the dead people pops up, now a zombie with creepy blue eyes. His friend is like, “Whatever you do, don’t look…” The leader of course looks behind him and gets an axe in the face. The blond has wisely chosen to run away from this bbq of terror when he’s caught by a child zombie. He then sees his pal get caught by a zombie. The zombie cuts his friend’s head off and throws it at him, which is just super impolite for starters. He looks at the head at his feet then at the zombie: