"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "
Recap Season 3, Episode 7
(Sorry this recap is late! In my defense, I was at festival that had an Urban Ren Faire, so I feel like I was doing Game of Thrones related activities. (It was wonderful, there was a guy dressed as a centaur who looked exactly like Devon Sawa in the 90’s.) So the bad news is the recap is up late, the good news is I found the love of my life and he’s dancing to techno dressed as a centaur at an Urban Ren Faire tent in Brooklyn. Don’t know how I’m going to explain that to my parents.)
Previously, Flaying, Epileptic fits, Lullabies, Wall climbing, Wall falling, Gendry stealing, Freys freying, Littlefinger leaving, and Tywin admitting (with his eyes) his bisexuality.
The Wildlings have crossed the Wall and are making their way to Castle Black. It will take them a week to get there, so they have time for Jon and Ygritte to flirt and for Orell to insert himself into their relationship.
Jon and Ygritte have a long conversation about Wildling fighting vs. Seven Kingdoms fighting where Ygritte makes fun of the Westori for being pansies and banging drums and carrying banners (I’ve always wondered that too Ygritte! Mostly because I always thought that seemed like a cool job? Like, if I ever had to go to war, I’d like to be the one holding the banner? Let’s not unpack it.) Jon explains to her that it’s all part of the discipline and traditions of a first world country, like having roads and post service.
Ygritte, “It just seems silly to have drummers. It’s war not a Step Up movie.”
Jon, “Well excuse us for having a sense of occasion. Also they help the men march.”
Ygritte, “You forget how to walk? “And she hops up and starts jumping around, making fun of marching soldiers and they’re both lolling.
Jon, “No if you want a bunch of people to work and fight as a unit they have to do it as the same beat. You Wildlings don’t get it.”
Ygritte, “No we don’t. When we attack we sure as shit won’t be banging any fucking drums.”
Jon, “No you’ll just be lighting a giant fire. That’s much more discreet.”
Ygritte, “One more time as a family!” And the entire group of Wildlings yell, “You know nothing Jon Snow!!” And she walks away. Orell approaches Jon. (Orell has taken it on himself to be Jon and Ygritte’s relationship counselor. I guess because turning into a bird, climbing the wall and planning an attack on the Night’s Watch is super boring and he has nothing else to do?)
Orell, “She’s right.”
Jon, “And then there’s this asshole. I know you cut me loose.”
Orell, “Cut her loose too.”
Orell, “Don’t see her bitching about it. That’s because she understands the way things are.”
Jon, “What’s that? What’s the deep wisdom you found in the head of a bird?”
Orell, “You want some Wildling wisdom? People work together when it suits ‘em. They’re loyal when it suits ‘em. Love each other when it suits ‘em. And they kill each other when it suits ‘em. She knows it, you don’t, which is why you guys are gonna break up one day.”
Jon, “We’re gonna be fine! God, shut up!”
Orell, “You know nothing Jon Snow.”
Jon, “Yeah that’s one of those things that’s kinda only okay when Ygritte says it.”
Previously: We got to see everyone’s butts and a lot of Robb’s man cleavage, Ygritte took Jon’s V-Card then immediately asked if she could move in with him, Gendry and Arya broke all of our hearts by refusing to settle down together and get married, Brienne and Jaime had the best hot tub scene in the history of hot tub scenes, Jorah was super paranoid, Robb totally boned himself, there was surprise gay sex, and Tywin broke everyone’s puzzle.
Some shit goes down, but for Game of Thrones it’s a pretty tame forty minutes. We are obviously putting things in place just so they can explode later. It’s the calm before the storm and I don’t like it one bit.
Sam fails at building a fire until Gilly jumps in and fixes it.
Sam, “You can build fires and you have a baby. You are the world’s most perfect woman.”
Gilly, “Building fires is Life in Medieval Times 101. How do you not know how to build one? Oh no, are you slow…like mentally?”
Sam, “No it was just warm where I grew up and when it was cold, my servants did it for me.”
Gilly, “Called it! I knew you were a rich bitch!”
Sam, “I will take that as a compliment of my gentlemanly manners. You wanna see something cool?”
Gilly, “Is it sonnets you wrote about me?”
Sam, “No, but I have plenty of those if you want to hear them!”
Gilly, “I’m good.”
Sam, “It’s this awesome dragonglass dagger that I found at the Fist of the First Men!”
(Benioff and Weiss I see what you did there. I see you!
Gilly, “What does it do?”
Sam, “I don’t know, but I guess we’ll find out! It’s cool though right? Look how shiny it is!” (Awww Sam, you totally had a rock collection back at Horn Hill didn’t you?)
Gilly, “So as fun as these fire side chats are, how much longer till we get to the Wall? I am running low on diapers.”
Sam, “Few more days.”
Gilly, “So what’s the Wall like?” (I love how nerdy Jon and Sam impress their cool wildling girlfriends with their inside knowledge of the Wall.)
Sam, “The Wall’s pretty cool, like me and my friend Jon could hang out on top of it like pretty much whenever we wanted.”
Gilly, “You’re joking.”
Sam, “Nope. And there’s this fire in the Great Hall and they keep it on all the time, I’m talking day and night.”
Sam, “Sometimes we sing to each other.”
Gilly, “Bunch of guys sitting around a fire in the freezing tundra singing…”
Sam, “You’re thinking that sounds kinda gay?”
Gilly, “Actually it sounds really nice.”
Sam, “It is! Dareon has a great voice. He does this cover of “Rolling in the Deep” and it’s just like sounds really cool from a guy’s perspective?”
Gilly, “Do you sing?”
Gilly, “Come on.”
Sam, “Oh, alright. I can’t say no to those baby blues.”
And Sam sings! And it’s super cute!
Gilly, “That was nice.”
Sam, “We’re two decent kids, how did we end up on the run in the freezing cold surrounded by zombies with a new born infant?”
Gilly, “Bad parenting?”
Previously: We lost Craster (yay!) and Mormont (no!), Catelyn threw Bran out of a tree, Sam and Gilly set out on a road trip of their own, Jaime briefly flirted with anorexia, Theon cried, Daenerys unhinged her jaw and ate the entire world.
Only The Good Die Young!
Thoros and Beric are about to have their rumble in the cave.
Thoros, “Xenu save us!”
Everyone, “Xenu save us!”
Thoros, “If the Hound is innocent, let him kill my friend. If he is guilty, let my friend kill him.”
Everyone, “For the night is dark and full of terrors.”
The Hound’s getting himself psyched up, pretty convinced he has this in the bag.
Beric cuts his hand, spilling his blood on his sword. Then he whispers softly, “dracarys,” and the sword LIGHTS ON FUCKING FIRE.
And then they FIGHT. FIGHT. FIGHT.
This fight is so cool and so well choreographed. I died. I loved this fight so much and they do such a good job with it (as always.)
Then in the melee, the Hound catches on fire!
(I feel like it gets lost in all the child murdering, but the Hound is being very brave! He’s so afraid of fire! And for a total nihilist, he’s fighting very hard for his life here!)
He doesn’t have much support from the stands. Everyone’s chanting, “Guilty! Guilty!”
Arya, is more direct, “Kill Him! KILL HIM!”
Beric is doing a great job, and he has the whole fire advantage but the Hound is a huge beast and isn’t going down easy.
Then the Hound, still on fire, BRINGS UP HIS SWORD AND CUTS BERIC’S SWORD IN HALF STABBING BERIC.
Beric falls over with a giant chest wound and a sword sticking out of his shoulder. The Hound stops, drops, and rolls.
Thoros jumps on top of Beric, “Xenu put the thetons back in his body.”
Arya has had enough of this bullshit and grabs a sword and goes running full speed at the Hound, because there’s no situation she can’t make better by running in half cocked and fully armed.
Gendry’s the only one with eyes on Arya and runs after her shouting, “ARYA, DON’T!” And then he GRABS HER and tackles her to the ground! Gendry! Why are you so wonderful!
Arya, “No! Let go of me!”
Gendry, “No! You can’t just murder people!”
Arya, “Why not? Everyone else does!”
Hound, “Looks like the gods love me more than your butchers boy.”
And then Beric stands up. ALIVE.
Beric, “Oh, he’ll go to hell, just not today.”
Recap Season 3, Episode 2
Robb was a dick to his mother, Bronn and Tyrion reunited, Tywin destroyed Tyrion’s and by extension all of our souls, we got to see Salladhor Saan’s awesome boats and decorative blankets, Drogon flew like a beautiful bird in the sky, Jon met a giant and another mentor, there was brief but traumatic nipple cutting, warlock fuckery, surprise Barristan Selmy, etc., etc.
This was Such. A. Good. Episode.
Let’s do this!!
Bran’s running through the wilderness like a proud strong Pocahontas! When he sees that fucking three-eyed crow again.
Bran’s like, “I’ve had about all I can take of your shit, crow.” He then decides to kill it with an arrow. Yeah Bran! Kill it! Kill it! But then we get a flashback to the pilot to remind us that 1. Bran is not a great bowman and 2. Bran and I are alike in that we both have dreams where Kit Harrington and Richard Madden coach us on how to kill fowl (but in Bran’s dream everyone wears clothes (unfortunately.)) And it’s actually really heartbreaking because Bran misses his attractive brothers and only gets to see them in his dreams! And just when everyone’s crying as much as they can there’s Ned’s voice! Telling everyone to be nice to Bran!
And we don’t get to see him!! (Which Bean! Make a cameo! What are you doing that’s more important??)
Then Bran turns and almost shoots the kid from Love Actually.
Jojen, “You can’t kill that bird.”
Bran, “Don’t tell me what to do! Wait, do I know you?”
Jojen, “The raven is you.”
Bran, “Gross, birds carry disease!”
Jojen, “It’s a metaphor.”
At that Bran bolts awake.
He’s in the a tent next to Rickon who is sleeping soundly with his direwolf:
Rickon! You prince! It’s good to see you!
Bran, rudely wakes him up.
Bran, “It’s just a nightmare.”
Hodor, “Oh, okay.”
Osha, “Were you warging into Summer again?”
Bran, “No. I was sucking at archery and making new friends.”
Osha, “I’ve got a lot on my plate right now, I can’t like hear new things.”
Bran, “I didn’t ask to be a prophet!”
Osha, “Well hopefully you will find someone to help you with that because it is out of my skill set. Now we gotta keep moving.”
Bran, “Why? Theon burned those two kids and told everyone they were us remember?”
Osha, “We’re kinda forgetting about that on the show now. Besides I can smell the stink in the air, patchouli and musical festivals. They’re coming…”
Osha, “Can your 3 eyed raven tell us if we’re being followed or where the nearest McDonalds is?”
Bran, “No these dreams aren’t “helpful” per se.”
Osha, “We got a while to go to get to the Wall, let’s hurry along. Someone grab Rickon.”
Recap Season 2, Episode 10
Whew, time went by fast.
Sorry, I went out for a pack of smokes there and never came back. I’ve been busy.
I did things not on the internet.
I fell into a Shameless sinkhole and have been trying to claw my way out.
Anyway, it’s not important. What matters is I’m back and I’ll never leave you again! (Probably.) Thank you all for your awesome patience and notes of encouragement. They mean so much to me!
Right, so where were we? Well, it’s been at least five fucking years since the episode aired, and we’ve all pretty much forgotten what happened. But who cares? We’re here, we’re doing this, and we’re gonna have fun anyway.
So everyone get a seat, grab a beer, and relax.
Let’s do this!
Recap: Season 2 Episode 9
Previously: Duffel bags full of daggers, Jaime and Brienne roadtripping, Ros getting the short end of the stick yet again, Failed attempt at assassinating Tywin Lannister, Successful attempt at assassinating a bunch of guards, Qhorin losing his hat, The complete rewriting of the Arya, Robb and Catelyn characters, Meeting the Lord of Bones, Jon becoming a secret double agent, Everyone being called a cunt, Me:
This is it guys!
Right upfront: This. This is television so good it surpasses television. Let’s stop fucking around and just submit this shit to the Oscars. (They have what? 15 best picture nominees now? One could be a television episode. Who’s gonna argue? It’s a little late for them to squabble about the rules.) Peter Dinklage should be nominated for and win an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor (which he can only lose to Matthew McConaughey for Magic Mike.)
Davos is standing on a deck looking out at the fuck ton of boats that Stannis has at his disposal. All the sailors on the ships are mentally preparing themselves for battle, looking how I look before a big test. One guy gets up and vomits. Which, dude! That’d be me! (Also is that a barrel filled with just vomit?? Why would you have that?)
Stannis is preternaturally calm:
Matthos, “The wind is against us.”
Davos, “It will blow us to King’s Landing.”
Matthos, “You excited to go home?”
Davos, “I haven’t thought of King’s Landing as home in 20 years. It’s more a place I lived that one time. What’s weird is I’m still not used to wearing my captain’s hat vs. my pirate’s hat. I spent most of my life dodging the royal fleet.”
Matthos, “Uhh correction: This is the royal fleet and you are the high captain.”
Davos, “Well, I am one of many captains of many royal fleets.”
Matthos, “Not for long. After tonight, Stannis is going to be king and you’ll be his hand.”
Davos, “Gods willing.”
Matthos, “There is only the creepy red god!”
Davos, “Yeah, I know all about your weirdo god.”
Matthos, “But everybody in King’s Landing and the audience wants us to kill Joffrey.”
Davos, “Right but to do that we first have to win this battle. One step at a time.”
Matthos, “But our army outnumbers them 5-1!!!”
Davos, “But war is chaos and who knows what tricks Tyrion has up his sleeve. Add to that the fact that the walls of King’s Landing have never been breached and they won’t see us as liberators so much as people coming to set their shit on fire and this is going to get pretty complicated.”
Matthos, “I trust you and I love you.”
Davos, “That is super sweet.”
And Salladhor Saan prepares all his boats:
1. Jorah Mormont has the voice of someone I want to sit next to on a patio while he reads me stories by the Bronte sisters. Even when he’s angry there’s something soothing and reassuring about it, like Michael Caine’s. Jaqen H’ghar’s voice, much like his assassinations, creeps quietly up on you and you just think things are going normally until all of the sudden you’re dead. And Bolton wins hands down. His voice is what would happen if Tom Waits and Jeremy Irons had a vocal child with James Earl Jones and an angry wolf. I mean the way he says whore? Is he kidding?
There is only one person who should ever narrate audio books, award shows, commercials, movie trailers, my internal monologue and that’s Michael McElhatton.
2. How dare you suggest Arya and Jaime hanging out. I never even thought about that before and now I’m obsessed with them becoming buddies because he would love her for all the same reasons that Tywin loves her and she would love him because he could teach her how to be a great fighter and they would be so sassy together.
Basically Arya needs to just go around having unpaid internships with all the main characters because Arya + Anyone is magic. But Arya and Jaime. You monster! That would be amazing. (As to who would win in a sass off? I’m giving it to Jaime but just by
his a hair. “You’re even uglier in the daylight.” I mean, come on. She’s a formidable opponent but he has years of sassing on her.)
3. As for who of the off-screen characters would win in a contest, I will give you what I assume each of them are doing at this exact moment and allow you to pick the winner.
(I’m very happy my recaps make you appreciate the wonderfulness of Ghost, it is very possible he’s my favorite character.)
Recap: Episode 1, Season 2
Previously: An Entire Season That It Takes Really Fucking Long To Recap And Sometimes Your Parents Make A Surprise Trip To The City And Time You Thought You Were Going To Spend Writing You Spend Making Brunch And Whatever It’s Fine I Promise I’ll Be Posting The Rest Soon I’ll Just Be Posting Them Concurrent With This Season And It Will Be Really Confusing For Everyone And For Me And I’m Really Bad At This Don’t Worry About It
It’s a beautiful summer’s day in the capitol and all the lords and ladies are hanging out, having picnics, drinking wine, watching the Hound throw some dude around like a ragdoll. The Hound finally stops playing and tosses his opponent off a giant fucking wall making his brain explode inside his helmet. Everyone applauds and I realize that if for some reason I was transmitted to Westoros and had to survive in this society I would last exactly 0 days. Turns out this fight is part of the “Let’s Just Murder Each Other” celebration Joffrey is throwing himself for his birthday. Which begs the question, what do you get Joffrey for a present? The sweat and tears of a nation? The life of your unborn child? MDNA? (Joffrey got all dolled up for the occasion and I have to admit that for all his flaws, he is serving up some Lannister realness in his birthday outfit:
Joffrey, of course, has a tiny psychopathic boner from watching someone die and is full of compliments for the Hound, telling him what a great job he did killing that person publicly. He turns to Sansa and goes, “So what do you think about that shit?” And it’s moments like this that really bring home the true terribleness of Joffrey Lannister. It’s not just that he likes to masturbate to watching people die (we all have our kinks.) It’s that he understands how monumentally fucked up it is that he enjoys it and gets off on watching other people be skeezed out by the shit he’s into.
Sansa, “Well experience has taught me that you only want to surround yourself with yes men so I will agree with you that it was well struck.”
Joffrey, “Today I’ve decided I don’t like it when people agree with me so I’m pissed.”
Sansa, “I’m…not going to indulge this.” Sansa, having accepted how deeply fucked she is, is extracting her revenge the only way she can, by subtly pissing off Joffrey to drive him crazy. Sansa, you kick ass baby girl, let no one tell you different.
They drag the dude the Hound killed away and Kid Who Cleans Up Blood comes out and starts mopping it up.
Presumably, he has a lot more work now that Joffrey is king.
Recap Episode 4, Season 1
Previously: Sword Fighting, Lassos, Shitty Disguises, Lancel, Chatty Crows, Grey Gardening, Drogo’s Super Sperm, etc.
Bran is walking around with his bow and arrow and you’re like, “Wow, what a speedy resolution to that plot line!” But then you realize no one’s around and he’s chasing a rather slow crow and you’re like, “It’s possible this could be a dream and if so have more interesting dreams Bran. You’re paralyzed in a world that hasn’t invented the internet, this is the most exciting thing that’s going to happen to you all day, go nuts!” But no, he’s just chasing this gross crow and then it turns around and it has 3 eyes and you’re like, “That’s slightly more interesting but still if we’re going to be watching your dreams at least give them some narrative flavor.” He wakes up in his room and Old Nan is there knitting.
Recap Episode 3, Season 1 (Spoiler alert: This episode is awesome. Also, there are spoilers.)
Previously: Twig Dolls, Hangovers, Fires, Cruelty to Animals, Face Knifing, Slapping, Slim Jims, Outdoor Pissing, Teaching of New Sexual Positions, etc.
The Starks arrive in the capitol and are like, “It’s loud, there are too many people, everyone’s so rude, how many Starbucks does one city need, there are so many homeless people, it’s too expensive.” A nerdy squire comes running up to Ned all, “OMG, there’s a council meeting happening and you’re already late. Is that what you’re wearing? You sure you don’t wanna put on a blazer?”