A Song of Ice and Lolz
"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "
Contact: asongoficeandlolz@gmail.com
Recap: Episode 5, Season 2
Previously: Compulsory amputations, Hot rats, Robb in the rain, The complete emotional destruction of Lancel Lannister, No Jon, FMK, Farts, Flaying, Crossbows, Hand cutting to prove financial liability, The return of Tywin Lannister, Grammar lessons from Stannis Baratheon, Newborn shadow/ghosts, etc.
Renly’s Camp!
It’s a dark and windy night and Renly’s army is preparing themselves for the vicious onslaught of Stannis’ fifteen dudes.
Catelyn, “So basically the plan is you marry Robb and then you two rule Westoros together. He’ll rule the North, you rule the South, like the Summer and Winter Courts in the Iron Fey novels. You’ll see each other at the beginning of spring to pass the Scepter of Seasons back and forth and everyone will live in peaceful prosperity under two just and handsome kings.”
Renly, “I could see Loras being into this.” Daintiest sip of cocktail. “Sounds like a deal. Robb just has to swear to me the same oath Ned swore to Robert. Ned and Robert’s marriage was the super glue that held this Kingdom together for many years and now that they’re dead, their hotter, younger counterparts are going to take their place. It’s ideal really.”
Catelyn, “Great. So what are next steps?”
Renly, “Well first I’ll take off my armor so it will be very believable that I could be killed by a human, then in the morning I’ll deal with Stannis.”
Renly, “I’ve got 100,000 well rested soldiers, morale is high, crushing my older brother should be a cake walk. Then I’ll go to Robb, he’ll see me coming across the moors on my horse with my banners around me and he’ll start to smile but then stop himself but then you know what fuck it, he’s happy and he’ll grin wildly. And then when I finally reach him he’ll say something like, “Took you long enough.” And I’ll say something like, “Got here as fast as I could.” And then we’ll hug in a beautiful mess of ginger curls. And then we’ll get married and it will be the biggest party anyone has ever seen in Westoros but we won’t have flowers because you know, there’s a war on. And then after an abbreviated but intense honeymoon we will descend on King’s Landing in a sea of copper, green, blue and silver and we will kill Joffrey and try Cersei for Robert’s murder and free Sansa and get down to the business of finding Arya and any bastards Robert might have had who are still alive and once all that’s done.”
Renly, “We will rule in harmony until someone from across the Narrow Sea tries to attack us with dragons.”
Recap: Episode 2, Season 2
Previously: Red Comets, Shots, Leaky holdfasts, Craster, Nose bleeds, Power is power, Some light interior design, Robb being sassy, Joffrey being slapped, Infanticide, Guyliner etc.
Credits! 
The King’s Road!
Arya is having a very stressful pee away from everyone where every little noise makes her jump because it could be someone from the Night’s Watch and she’d have to explain her unusual peeing technique. She gathers up some firewood and we meet:
Jaqen H’ghar
Likes: Referring to himself in the third person, Arya Stark, The Sharper Image Catalog, Hair dye, Basic courtesies, The Maltese Falcon
Dislikes: Faces, Uncouth people, Not being sly or mysterious, Russell Crowe, The Superbowl Half-Time Show
Jaqen, “I realize I’m locked in a cage with some particularly gross dudes but please don’t misjudge me, I am quite the sophisticated gentleman and was wondering if you could possibly make this a little more civilized and give me some water? You have a certain badassness to yourself that I identify with.”
Arya’s face:
Prisoner, “A variety of disgusting things that if someone had said to me at Arya’s age would have done irreparable psychological damage.” Arya doesn’t even mind, she just grabs one of her sticks and starts whacking at the cage, because no one steps to Arya Stark and gets away with it. 
