A Song of Ice and Lolz

"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "


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Posts tagged "Jaqen"

Recap, Season 2, Episode 6

Previously: The death of la Renly, Gendry shirtless, The scrambling of the Tyrells, Tiny huts, Cersei being drunk as fuck, Theon dastardly plotting, Gendry shirtless, Anyone can be killed, Dragons making burgers, Creepy face masks, Gendry shirtless, Fancy scarves, Sexy assassins, Gendry shirtless 

Winterfell!
The castle is under attack and in chaos because George R.R. Martin likes to give you nice things like direwolves, Starks, and Winterfell before he rips them away from you, laughing maniacally at your tears like a vengeful god. Luwin is running around looking panicked. I can handle Renly, Drogo, Robert, Ned, but if you harm a figurative hair on Luwin’s bald head I will burn HBO to the ground with fire and blood. Luwin has escaped the fighting to make it to the Ravenery to send an S.O.S. text saying Winterfell is under attack. (Which, do you need to put a return address on that Luwin? Did you put a to address on that?)
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 And then the door bursts open and it’s a bunch of miserable sailors. 
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Bran’s Room!
Theon charges into Bran’s room which begs the question, where are Summer and Shaggydog? I see like five people in each of these opening scenes who are begging for a direwolf ass-kicking. Remember when that dude fought Catelyn with a dagger and Summer ripped out his esophagus? More of that please! At least that dude had the decency to not walk everyone through his issues with his father constantly.
Theon, “Get up.”
Bran, “Theon, eww what are you doing back? Is this a Robb thing?”
Theon, “I took Winterfell.”
Bran, “What was that? I’m still like 50% in wolf-dream land.” 
Theon, “I took it, I’m occupying it, I sent men over the walls with grappling claws and ropes.”
Bran, “Slow down spaz, what’s happening?”   
Theon, “I take castle! I prince! People think I’m cool! What about this aren’t you getting?”
Bran, “Obviously the core concept.”
Theon, “I’m so smart and clever, aren’t you impressed?”
Bran, “No. Is he like this all the time?”
Cleftjaw, “Don’t get me started.”
Theon, “I’m a Greyjoy. I can’t fight for Robb and my father both so I choose my dad, because I’m really bad at decision making. Where’s Hodor?”
Bran, “I don’t know. Again, I am half awake and paralyzed.”
Theon, “My men are bringing the people of Winterfell together in the courtyard.”
Bran, almost completely disinterested, “Why?”
Theon, “OMG. How many times do I have to explain this?”
Bran, “Like a thousand, because everything you’re saying is insane.”
Theon, “We’re all going to go into the courtyard and you’re going to yield Winterfell to me and tell everyone what a super awesome prince I am.”
Bran, “Yeah….none of that.”
Theon, “Yes.”
Bran, “Fuck all of you.”
Theon, hilariously trying to look hard and badass as he sits on the bed, “The castle is mine, but the people are yours so you’ll yield to keep them safe because that’s what a good lord will do.” (Realization: The only person Theon can talk to with any level  of competence is a ten year old.) “Because once you’ve yielded the people to me then everyone will see how awesome I am and I will never be lonely again.” (Realization: Theon is the Michael Scott of Game of Thrones.)
Bran,  cutting to the heart of the matter, “Did you hate us the whole time?”
Theon, “No, I loved you but nobody ever loves me back!”
Bran, “Yes, because of reasons.”

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