"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "
King’s Landing! The Sept!
Margaery walks down the aisle in her amazing gown with her insane perm and she looks fantastic. Her dress is covered in thorns which is thematically appropriate for Highgarden, but also a great defensive garment when you’re marrying a sociopath. (The Tyrells really think of everything.) Joffrey also looks stunning, can’t hate.
The priest wraps their hands together, tying them in a literal knot.
Priest, “House Tyrell, House Lannister and House Baratheon are one heart, cursed be he who would tear them asunder.”
Everyone in the audience, “Awkward coughing.”
Joffrey, “With this kiss, I pledge my love.”
And then they make out in a way that makes everyone uncomfortable.
Everyone, “I always thought he was kinda sexless?”
Sansa, “Looks like we have a new queen now.”
Tyrion, “1. Don’t let Cersei hear you say that. 2. Better her than you.”
Joffrey, “Okay, Margaery and I are going to go do some photos, but we’d love for you to join us all for cocktail hour followed by the reception. So if you could all go outside, there are shuttles waiting to take you to the next location, and everyone please remember the hashtag for the weekend is #purplewedding, so tag the pictures you post appropriately, I don’t want to miss anything!”
Tywin seeks Olenna out! (Which I love! You got a crush papa Lannister! (If all the Lannisters are marrying Tyrells, why can’t you two get married!))
Tywin, “Bit much wouldn’t you say?”
Olenna, “Ugh you are such a dad right now.”
Tywin, “The word extravagant has been used.”
Olenna, “What good is the word extravagant if it can’t be used to describe a royal wedding?”
Tywin, “People who spend money on weddings tend to not have money for long.”
Olenna, “You have your ways of winning the war, I have mine.”
"The people are hungry for more than just food. They crave distractions. And if we don’t provide them, they’ll create their own. And their distractions are likely to end with us being torn to pieces. A royal wedding is much safer."
Olenna, “You ought to try enjoying something before you die, you might find that it suits you.”
Tywin, “Are you hitting on me?”
Everyone, “I hope so!”
Olenna, “Go away Mace! I’m flirting with Tywin!”
Olenna, “Sorry about that he is the worst.”
Tywin, “I hate my children too!”
Olenna, “We are well suited. Anyway don’t know what you’re bitching about, I paid for most of this.”
Tywin, “I kinda love that you have more money than me.”
Olenna, “Right? And I’m going to be coughing up more soon I’m sure. Wars are long and expensive and everyone knows the crown is in mega debt to the Iron Bank since Littlefinger fucked off and stopped being the magic Master of Coin. The Iron Bank does not fuck around, they’ll be here soon breaking knee caps if they don’t get their due, they love to remind everyone like you Lannisters and your debts.”
Tywin, “I’m not worried.”
Olenna, “No you’re too smart for all that. Come Tywin, let’s celebrate young love.”
Tywin, “I would rather be shot in the face.”
Olenna, “Me too, but we have to.”
"Every once in a very long while, Lord Tywin Lannister would actually threaten to smile; he never did, but the threat alone was terrible to behold."
(Sorry this is so late guys! My little sister was in town and stayed with me this past week and really cramped my recapping game. But I think the Starks would agree with me that family comes first. Also the Lannisters. You know what, let’s move on.)
Previously: Robb got naked, Theon got castrated, Talisa got knocked up, Gendry found out the results of his paternity test, Ygritte learned some important lessons about eco friendly technology, and Jaime jumped into a bear pit and all of our hearts to save Brienne.
Off the bat this episode:
Boys! I miss you! (Except you Theon. You should stay away for a while.)
Arya wakes up staring at a rock. She’s weighing the pros and cons of bashing Sandor in the head with it. Because she’s Arya Stark head-bashing wins and she creeps over to where the Hound is sleeping, but she’s not as quiet as Syrio taught her to be and the Hound hears her coming from a mile away. (You know what would fix this problem Sandor? A blanket burrito! (In the books the Hound deals with the fierceness of Arya Stark by wrapping her up in a blanket bundle that she can’t get out of. It’s surprisingly adorable.))
Hound, “I’ll give you one shot, kill me and you’re free, fail and I’ll break both your hands.”
Arya agrees with the audience that there’s been too much hand violence on the show recently and gives up.
Later they’re riding and Arya sits sidesaddle in the front. (For two ruthless killers they sure are cute.)
The Hound offers her food and she rejects it.
Hound, “You’re in a bad mood.”
Hound, “You’re actually super lucky I found you and not someone worse.”
Arya, “Nope. Pretty sure you’re the absolute worst.”
Hound, “Pretty sure that’s my brother. He’s so intense he once killed a man for snoring.” (Okay is that really the best example Sandor? I’ve almost killed someone for snoring. A car alarm went off outside my apartment for an hour the other night at 2 AM and if murder would have stopped it, I would have considered it.)
Hound, “At least I’m not physically abusive or a rapist.”
Arya, “Okay the men of Westoros need to set a higher bar for themselves. You don’t get a prize for not raping a child. It’s just what you should do.”
Hound, “I know that, I actually save people from being raped. People like, I don’t know, your sister. Why don’t you ask her the next time you see her who saved her when she was being attacked at Flea Bottom?”
(Sandor!!! You’re gossiping with Arya about Sansa!)
Hound, “No but seriously, does she think I’m a hero? Also what does she think about my hair? Cause I’ve been thinking of doing it a different way.” (Hound, we have got to get you an age appropriate love interest.)
Arya, “Is that the Blackwater?”
Hound, “Do you have any idea where we are?”
Arya, “Not really no. But you’re the King’s dog? You kill little boys when he tells you to, aren’t you bringing me back to him?”
Hound, “That was before my mental breakdown. I said it once, I’ll say it again, Fuck Joffrey, Fuck the Queen. I’m not going back there. Not now, not ever. That’s the Red Fork, I’m taking you to the Twins.”
Hound, “Because your mom and brother are there and I’m going to do what the audience has wanted for three seasons and reunite some Starks…for a small fee of course.”
Arya even smiles a little bit! Wolf girl!!
Arya, “Wait, why is my family hanging out with the Freys? God things are worse than I thought.”
Hound, “The Brotherhood didn’t tell you? Dicks. It’s on the front page of every tabloid, your Uncle is marrying one of the Frey girls. So if you quit trying to kill me, we might make it there in time for the rehearsal dinner.”
Arya, “It really is lucky that I was caught by you wasn’t it?”
Hound, “That’s what I was trying to tell you.”
Arya, “Sorry I tried to bash your head in with a rock.”
Hound , “I get the impulse.”
Arya, “You wanna talk more about Sansa?”
Hound, “Do I ever!”
Arya, “Well does she know you have a crush on her?”
Daenerys is adorably hiding behind a wall with her awesome headscarf.
Barristan, “I don’t trust mercenaries. People need to be bound by their word and honor.”
Jorah, “I know that was a dig at me old man! Hurtful. And these guys will kill you if they get a big enough check.”
Daenerys, “So you know them?”
Jorah, “I recognize their team logo, they’re called the Second Sons. They’re a company led by a Bravosi named Mero, the Titan’s bastard. They are not pleasant.”
Daenerys, “Is he more titan or bastard?”
Jorah, “He is all bastard, all of the bastard.”
Daenerys, “How many are there?”
Daenerys, “Enough to fuck up my plans to sack the city?”
Daenerys gets her thinking face on, “It’s hard to collect wages from a corpse. I’m sure sellswords like to fight for the winning side.”
Jorah, “Right as ever you are.”
Daenerys, “I’d like to talk to the Titan’s bastard about who’s going to be the winning side.”
Barristan, “Like I don’t get it cause I think you’re awesome, but he doesn’t know that, he might not want to meet with you.”
Daenerys eyes get scary again and she gets serious, “Oh no, he will, you aren’t always aware of sexism because of your privilege, but I get how it works, a man that fights for gold can’t afford to lose to a girl.”
Recap Season 3, Episode 1
And we’re back guys! The wait was terrible but it’s finally here!
The television adaptation of the most intense book ever read by any fan ever.
You thought George R.R. Martin wasn’t messing around before when he chopped Ned’s head off. You have no idea. You think you know but you have no idea.
Let’s do this!
North of The Wall!
Screeching and fighting! Yay! We’re gonna see the fight at the Fist of the First Men!
Just kidding! We’re gonna jump to the next morning.
(HBO, “We’re not gonna blow our budget on a battle for the first five minutes of the season, come on guys.”)
So instead we open on Samwell Tarly:
Sam’s been running a damn half marathon through a blizzard and is so relieved when he comes across a figure in the mist and is like, “Friend, hello friend?”
But the dude is not a friend, dude is holding his own head in his hands. And then through the mist! Is it another friend? No. It’s a White Walker!
And he has a giant axe!! And he goes straight for Sam!!
White Walker, “Give me your head!”
Sam uses his cat like reflexes to leap out of the way and just when it looks like it’s curtains, who’s there? Out of the snow, out of the mist, who comes running?
GHOST! I MISSED YOU!!!
Ghost jumps on the White Walker all:
And holds him down while Mormont lights him on fire.
White Walker, “I died.”
Mormont is with the rest of the survivors including some of our favorites.
Sam to Mormont:
Commander Mormont, “Did you send the ravens?”
Sam, “Uhh no, I was a little busy RUNNING FOR MY LIFE and miraculously and inexplicably escaping a ZOMBIE HORDE. Also, what ravens? I was out in the wilderness digging up shit, I can’t summon messenger birds to my person. I’m not Pocahontas.”
Commander Mormont, “You had one job, Sam. You’re going to have to do better.”
Don’t worry Sam!
Mormont, “We need to get back to the Wall. It’s going to be long and cold and we’ll be attacked on all ends by zombies, and I’m not gonna lie, we’re not all gonna make it. But we have to do it, have to warn the rest of Westoros. Or before the winter’s done, everyone you’ve ever known will be dead.”
Geroge R. R. Martin:
Recap: Episode 8, Season 2
Previously: No mention of Ser Dontos, Or the comet, Or Grey Wind, The pretend death of the two youngest Starks, Jon getting hit on, The Thirteen being killed, The Spice King being a dick, Me going to Vegas and taking forever to post but what can I say my money wasn’t going to gamble itself, etc. etc.
Theon’s brilliant plan is…..pretend he killed Bran and Rickon, then confiscate everyone’s cellphone so the word won’t get out, and then live in secret in Winterfell forever with his dead-children decorations? Theon, Theon, Theon, what are we going to do with you? He and Cleftjaw are killing all the ravens and dumping the bodies all over the courtyard because what’s a few more dead corpses in there? (True story: I have walked over no less than three dead baby birds that have fallen out of their nests on the streets of Manhattan in the past week. The other day a leaf was falling near me and I jumped out of the way because I assumed it was a dead baby bird. I believe it’s some sort of sign from the universe but I haven’t been able to decipher what yet (I got into Hogwarts?) The point is it’s raining dead birds in both Manhattan and Winterfell, everyone dress appropriately.) Theon and his BFF Cleftjaw are very pleased with themselves when they shouldn’t be, as always. Then an announcement comes over the loudspeakers that Yara has arrived! Theon depressingly gets so excited and goes to stand faux causally in the entrance with his chest thrust out in what I can only assume is an outfit he picked out special that morning because this is what he’s been waiting for! His shining moment of glory when someone, anyone will pat him on the head and tell him what a good job he did. (Weiss and Benioff, for all my issues with things that happen in this episode I will never not be super impressed at the way you (and Alfie Allen) get my heart to squeeze for Theon Greyjoy.) Then Yara comes and hilariously gallops a demeaning circle around Theon because everything Yara does is a power play with her brother including riding a horse.
Theon sees that she brought ten guys with her and his face completely falls. Theon, you poor poor son of a bitch.
Winterfell Main Hall!
Theon comes walking into the Feast Hall where a bunch of sailors are raiding the Winterfell kitchens. (Put your feet down Yara! That is Ned Stark’s dinner table!!)
Yara, “Hear ye, hear ye, it’s the Prince of Winterfell!”
Theon, “Omg can you say, “jealous much?””
Yara, “I’m really not.”
Theon, “You should be! I took Winterfell! Who wants to touch me??”
Theon, “I said who wants to touch me?”
Everyone, “We’re good.”
Theon, “Why are you guys being such poops about this? I grew up here and this castle is big and famous and awesome and I went all sneaky up the back and stole it! And now it’s mine! How is that not the coolest thing you’ve ever heard?”
Yara, “Well that’s as good of an opening as I’m gonna get, so can we talk about the children you murdered?”
Theon, “I’m actually glad you brought that up. You are not gonna believe what dicks those kids were to me - ”
Yara, “You mean while you were killing them?”
Theon, “Before that, obviously.”
Theon, “What crawled up your butt?”
Theon, “No you see here’s what happened. I came in here and I sat down on Bran’s bed and I explained to him how I was in charge now because I decided I needed the approval of my asshole real family more than the love and respect of my wonderful fake family. And then he said, “That’s great Theon, I’ll stay here and help you with that,” and then he totally didn’t! Can you believe that shit?”
Yara, “Yes. He’s 10 and awesome. Look, you behaved like an asshole because you’re a Greyjoy, it’s kind of our thing, but you can’t fault the boys for trying to get as far away from you as possible, that’s just good common sense.”
Theon, “Be nice to me please!!”
Yara, “You are a stupid cunt. A dumb cunt. A idiot cunt.”
Theon, “I don’t understand,”
Yara, “You killed the only thing that was going to keep you alive.”
Theon, “But they were all gonna laugh at me!”
Yara, “Yeah, and they still are, do you know why?”
Theon, “If you don’t stop being a bitch I’m going to….going to….”
Yara, “Well seeing as I’m not 10 or a cripple I’m not all that concerned with your threats.”
Theon, helplessly folding in front of everyone when faced with his sister’s badassness, ”Why did you only bring five of your friends! That’ s not enough to protect me from/impress Robb with when he gets here!”
Yara, “Uhhh that’s cause you’re coming home loser. You are so totally grounded.”
Theon, “For what? Being too awesome?”
Yara, “What do you think is happening here? Joffrey chopped off Ned Stark’s head and now our entire continent is at war with itself. What do you think the reaction is going to be when people find out that his two youngest sons have been gruesomely murdered?”
Theon, “………I will be effusively praised?”
Yara, “No….just no.”
Theon, “Look we don’t have to worry about that because I confiscated everyone’s cell-phones so we are all good sister.”
Yara, “Yes but people still have mouths. Come on Theon you’re smarter than that. Why did you want me to bring 500 men with me? Because you knew the story was gonna leak and once it does all manner of unholy terror is going to descend on you. And us Pykers can be quiet the formidable opponent when we’re on our ships but out here in the woods, we’re pretty fucking useless. Dad’s plan, which btw was also terrible, was to slowly move up the coast attacking and building our army before moving into siege Winterfell. Nobody knows what the hell you think you’re doing. You a failure and you need to get the fuck out of dodge.”
Yara, “Everyone out.”
Yara, “You have been a constant source of irritation and disappointment ever since father brought you home from that orphanage.”
Theon, “Yara, you know that’s not true, I am your brother.”
Yara, “I know, I know but please allow me that little fantasy.”
Theon, “I’m not going to die!….Right?”
Yara, “You know what’s crazy is no matter how infuriating your behavior is or how angry I get with you, I still love you and will always ultimately forgive you, because we’re siblings and that’s what family does for each other. If you aren’t going to listen to me now at least think about what I said. Don’t die so far away from the sea.” (Awwww, Yara, I like you on the show now too!)
Recap: Episode 2, Season 2
Previously: Red Comets, Shots, Leaky holdfasts, Craster, Nose bleeds, Power is power, Some light interior design, Robb being sassy, Joffrey being slapped, Infanticide, Guyliner etc.
The King’s Road!
Arya is having a very stressful pee away from everyone where every little noise makes her jump because it could be someone from the Night’s Watch and she’d have to explain her unusual peeing technique. She gathers up some firewood and we meet:
Likes: Referring to himself in the third person, Arya Stark, The Sharper Image Catalog, Hair dye, Basic courtesies, The Maltese Falcon
Dislikes: Faces, Uncouth people, Not being sly or mysterious, Russell Crowe, The Superbowl Half-Time Show
Jaqen, “I realize I’m locked in a cage with some particularly gross dudes but please don’t misjudge me, I am quite the sophisticated gentleman and was wondering if you could possibly make this a little more civilized and give me some water? You have a certain badassness to yourself that I identify with.”
Prisoner, “A variety of disgusting things that if someone had said to me at Arya’s age would have done irreparable psychological damage.” Arya doesn’t even mind, she just grabs one of her sticks and starts whacking at the cage, because no one steps to Arya Stark and gets away with it.
Recap Episode 4, Season 1
Previously: Sword Fighting, Lassos, Shitty Disguises, Lancel, Chatty Crows, Grey Gardening, Drogo’s Super Sperm, etc.
Bran is walking around with his bow and arrow and you’re like, “Wow, what a speedy resolution to that plot line!” But then you realize no one’s around and he’s chasing a rather slow crow and you’re like, “It’s possible this could be a dream and if so have more interesting dreams Bran. You’re paralyzed in a world that hasn’t invented the internet, this is the most exciting thing that’s going to happen to you all day, go nuts!” But no, he’s just chasing this gross crow and then it turns around and it has 3 eyes and you’re like, “That’s slightly more interesting but still if we’re going to be watching your dreams at least give them some narrative flavor.” He wakes up in his room and Old Nan is there knitting.
Old Nan asks about his dreaming. Don’t even try Nan, it’s not worth it. Then Theon bursts into the room. I was kidding earlier Bran, your paralyzation is terrible!
Summer is instantly pissed at the sight of Theon. (Rip out his throat!) Theon, “There are visitors so you gotta get up. Well, not get up cause you can’t get up, but you gotta get downstairs somehow.”
Bran, “I don’t want nobody carrying me. Not now. Not ever, ya here!”
Theon, “Really? If I was couped up all day with only this old bat for company I’d go mad.” You did NOT just insult Old Nan, Theon. You did NOT JUST.
Bran, “Not interested.”
Theon, “Well you don’t have a choice, Robb’s waiting.” (If that’s not enough of a reason to get out of bed I don’t know what is.)
Bran, “Make me Greyjoy.”
Theon, “Look girl, I feel you. We all have big warm comfy beds we’d rather be laying in right now. But Robb told me to come get you and I have to do what Robb says because he’s prettier than I am, and you have to do what I say which isn’t true at all but I will take whatever meager amounts of power I can find and then abuse them because being raised as a ward in Winterfell has given me an insane Napoleon complex.”
Bran, “I thought the worst thing about being paralyzed was giving up on my all my hopes and dreams and the impact it would have on my dating life, but I was wrong, not being able to walk away from this conversation is the worst thing.”
Then Theon calls in Hodor to carry Bran downstairs.
Likes: Naked swimming, Hodor, Carrying small children
Dislikes: Grover Norquist’s strangled hold on tax reform, Hodor
Hodor picks Bran up by the scruff of his neck and jogs downstairs.
Recap Episode 3, Season 1 (Spoiler alert: This episode is awesome. Also, there are spoilers.)
Previously: Twig Dolls, Hangovers, Fires, Cruelty to Animals, Face Knifing, Slapping, Slim Jims, Outdoor Pissing, Teaching of New Sexual Positions, etc.
The Starks arrive in the capitol and are like, “It’s loud, there are too many people, everyone’s so rude, how many Starbucks does one city need, there are so many homeless people, it’s too expensive.” A nerdy squire comes running up to Ned all, “OMG, there’s a council meeting happening and you’re already late. Is that what you’re wearing? You sure you don’t wanna put on a blazer?”
Ned, “These are my fancy clothes.”
Squire, “Going for the whole rugged, been riding for a month thing, well sure it works on you. Let’s go.” (Also I’m not telling HBO how to live their life, but it does seem kinda possible that these are the only clothes Ned Stark owns.)
They open the door to the main hall and Jaime is by himself reclining across the steps leading up to the Iron Throne. I’m going to do him the courtesy of assuming he was taking some self pics for his facebook profile because otherwise, what the hell you doing Jaime?
Ned starts having flashbacks. (During Robert’s Rebellion Jaime was in the Mad King’s secret service; when the rebellion was close to succeeding, Jaime had a “fuck this job” moment and murdered the king. After this happened Ned got to King’s Landing before Robert did and when he walked into the Red Keep, Jaime was chilling on the Iron Throne drinking a beer all:
And that pissed Ned off because the throne belonged to his boyfriend Robert. Even though Jaime totally gave it up to Robert, Ned didn’t like the implication.)
Jaime sarcastically, “Thank god you’re here Stark, we’re in need of your intense brand of northerness.” (I know Jaime’s fucking around but the Red Keep could really use some northern flavor.)
Ned, “Protecting the throne I see.” (Ned’s that annoying person in your office who bitches about you being on gchat when you should be working.)
Jaime, “That thing? Yeah, lots of people sit on it. Speaking of butts and specifically buttholes remember when Robert asked you to come to King’s Landing to wash his butt for him and you said yes?”
Ned, “Ugh, banter is so not my forte. I’m not great with sarcasm, we don’t have a lot of Jews in the north. Your face is very handsome what with no bruises…or something….”
Jaime, “Yeah people keep trying to land one on me but they haven’t cause I’m that good.’
Ned, “Or you just choose opponents…opponents….with short arms! Ha! Pussy.”
Jaime Lannister will tolerate a variety of shenanigans but he will not tolerate being called a pussy.
Jaime, “This must be so weird for you, I was totally standing right here when the Mad King murdered your uncle and dad with fire.” (The Mad King is Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator/I’m Still Here:
Jaime, “I’m going to tell you some more unnecessary details about your father’s gruesome death.”
Ned, “Remember how you did nothing to help him?”
Jamie, “In my defense, five hundred men did nothing to help him, because aside from the wonderful, happy place inside your head where everyone feels a deep-seated need to do what’s right, people are by and large pretty shitty.” (He’s also making an argument for democracy and the power of freedom of thought but I don’t think that’s his point.) “Annyyhooo, later when I killed the king I thought of your dad and I felt like I was doing a good thing.” (Like Cersei and her story about Robert’s dead baby, he’s telling the truth here, he’s just doing it for fucked up reasons. I think the Lannisters need friends who aren’t each other.) “Isn’t it weird how I totally avenged your father instead of you?”
Ned, “Oh fuck you pretty boy. You didn’t do it for my dad, you still totally blow for literally stabbing the king in the back.”
Jamie, “If I stabbed him in the belly would you admire me more?”
Ned, “1. I don’t admire you. 2. I’m over this. Stark out!” And starks off.
Recap Episode 2, Season One
Previously: Zombies, Wolves, Haircuts, Rape, Dragon Eggs, Twincest, Walls, Defenestration, etc. etc.
Across the Narrow Sea!
Daenerys is taking five when Jorah comes over because Jorah is never anywhere farther than 5 seconds from being up Daenerys’s ass at all times. Jorah is like, “You need to take care of yourself,” and gives her a horse slim jim. Her face says, “If I eat another piece of horse meat I’m going to ralph.” Jorah tells her the Dothraki believe in a ghost grass that will destroy all living crops and take over the world because they are super concerned about global warming. Daenerys, “Is this supposed to be making me feel better or…” Jorah sees Daenerys looking apprehensively at Drogo and tells her it will get easier. She looks at him like, “Gross old man, why would you say that?” and rides away. Jorah, “A swing and a miss.”
The Dothraki make camp. Jorah stops Viserys and is like, “Uhh dude don’t you wanna go back to the hotel, it doesn’t really seem like camping is your thing.”
Viserys, “I don’t want a hotel I want an army.” He picks up on Jorah’s condenscion and brings up his slave trading because Viserys is a manipulative dick. He makes Jorah tell him about how he got caught selling slaves by Ned Stark. Viserys, “Sucks to be you dude. Btw you can totally do that when I’m king and there will be a soda machine in the cafeteria, senior parking on Thursday and Friday, it’s going to be totally sweet.” Iain Glen says the word, “douche” under his breath as Viserys walks away.