"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "
Recap Season 3, Episode 1
And we’re back guys! The wait was terrible but it’s finally here!
The television adaptation of the most intense book ever read by any fan ever.
You thought George R.R. Martin wasn’t messing around before when he chopped Ned’s head off. You have no idea. You think you know but you have no idea.
Let’s do this!
North of The Wall!
Screeching and fighting! Yay! We’re gonna see the fight at the Fist of the First Men!
Just kidding! We’re gonna jump to the next morning.
(HBO, “We’re not gonna blow our budget on a battle for the first five minutes of the season, come on guys.”)
So instead we open on Samwell Tarly:
Sam’s been running a damn half marathon through a blizzard and is so relieved when he comes across a figure in the mist and is like, “Friend, hello friend?”
But the dude is not a friend, dude is holding his own head in his hands. And then through the mist! Is it another friend? No. It’s a White Walker!
And he has a giant axe!! And he goes straight for Sam!!
White Walker, “Give me your head!”
Sam uses his cat like reflexes to leap out of the way and just when it looks like it’s curtains, who’s there? Out of the snow, out of the mist, who comes running?
GHOST! I MISSED YOU!!!
Ghost jumps on the White Walker all:
And holds him down while Mormont lights him on fire.
White Walker, “I died.”
Mormont is with the rest of the survivors including some of our favorites.
Sam to Mormont:
Commander Mormont, “Did you send the ravens?”
Sam, “Uhh no, I was a little busy RUNNING FOR MY LIFE and miraculously and inexplicably escaping a ZOMBIE HORDE. Also, what ravens? I was out in the wilderness digging up shit, I can’t summon messenger birds to my person. I’m not Pocahontas.”
Commander Mormont, “You had one job, Sam. You’re going to have to do better.”
Don’t worry Sam!
Mormont, “We need to get back to the Wall. It’s going to be long and cold and we’ll be attacked on all ends by zombies, and I’m not gonna lie, we’re not all gonna make it. But we have to do it, have to warn the rest of Westoros. Or before the winter’s done, everyone you’ve ever known will be dead.”
Geroge R. R. Martin:
Recap: Episode 8, Season 2
Previously: No mention of Ser Dontos, Or the comet, Or Grey Wind, The pretend death of the two youngest Starks, Jon getting hit on, The Thirteen being killed, The Spice King being a dick, Me going to Vegas and taking forever to post but what can I say my money wasn’t going to gamble itself, etc. etc.
Theon’s brilliant plan is…..pretend he killed Bran and Rickon, then confiscate everyone’s cellphone so the word won’t get out, and then live in secret in Winterfell forever with his dead-children decorations? Theon, Theon, Theon, what are we going to do with you? He and Cleftjaw are killing all the ravens and dumping the bodies all over the courtyard because what’s a few more dead corpses in there? (True story: I have walked over no less than three dead baby birds that have fallen out of their nests on the streets of Manhattan in the past week. The other day a leaf was falling near me and I jumped out of the way because I assumed it was a dead baby bird. I believe it’s some sort of sign from the universe but I haven’t been able to decipher what yet (I got into Hogwarts?) The point is it’s raining dead birds in both Manhattan and Winterfell, everyone dress appropriately.) Theon and his BFF Cleftjaw are very pleased with themselves when they shouldn’t be, as always. Then an announcement comes over the loudspeakers that Yara has arrived! Theon depressingly gets so excited and goes to stand faux causally in the entrance with his chest thrust out in what I can only assume is an outfit he picked out special that morning because this is what he’s been waiting for! His shining moment of glory when someone, anyone will pat him on the head and tell him what a good job he did. (Weiss and Benioff, for all my issues with things that happen in this episode I will never not be super impressed at the way you (and Alfie Allen) get my heart to squeeze for Theon Greyjoy.) Then Yara comes and hilariously gallops a demeaning circle around Theon because everything Yara does is a power play with her brother including riding a horse.
Theon sees that she brought ten guys with her and his face completely falls. Theon, you poor poor son of a bitch.
Winterfell Main Hall!
Theon comes walking into the Feast Hall where a bunch of sailors are raiding the Winterfell kitchens. (Put your feet down Yara! That is Ned Stark’s dinner table!!)
Yara, “Hear ye, hear ye, it’s the Prince of Winterfell!”
Theon, “Omg can you say, “jealous much?””
Yara, “I’m really not.”
Theon, “You should be! I took Winterfell! Who wants to touch me??”
Theon, “I said who wants to touch me?”
Everyone, “We’re good.”
Theon, “Why are you guys being such poops about this? I grew up here and this castle is big and famous and awesome and I went all sneaky up the back and stole it! And now it’s mine! How is that not the coolest thing you’ve ever heard?”
Yara, “Well that’s as good of an opening as I’m gonna get, so can we talk about the children you murdered?”
Theon, “I’m actually glad you brought that up. You are not gonna believe what dicks those kids were to me - ”
Yara, “You mean while you were killing them?”
Theon, “Before that, obviously.”
Theon, “What crawled up your butt?”
Theon, “No you see here’s what happened. I came in here and I sat down on Bran’s bed and I explained to him how I was in charge now because I decided I needed the approval of my asshole real family more than the love and respect of my wonderful fake family. And then he said, “That’s great Theon, I’ll stay here and help you with that,” and then he totally didn’t! Can you believe that shit?”
Yara, “Yes. He’s 10 and awesome. Look, you behaved like an asshole because you’re a Greyjoy, it’s kind of our thing, but you can’t fault the boys for trying to get as far away from you as possible, that’s just good common sense.”
Theon, “Be nice to me please!!”
Yara, “You are a stupid cunt. A dumb cunt. A idiot cunt.”
Theon, “I don’t understand,”
Yara, “You killed the only thing that was going to keep you alive.”
Theon, “But they were all gonna laugh at me!”
Yara, “Yeah, and they still are, do you know why?”
Theon, “If you don’t stop being a bitch I’m going to….going to….”
Yara, “Well seeing as I’m not 10 or a cripple I’m not all that concerned with your threats.”
Theon, helplessly folding in front of everyone when faced with his sister’s badassness, ”Why did you only bring five of your friends! That’ s not enough to protect me from/impress Robb with when he gets here!”
Yara, “Uhhh that’s cause you’re coming home loser. You are so totally grounded.”
Theon, “For what? Being too awesome?”
Yara, “What do you think is happening here? Joffrey chopped off Ned Stark’s head and now our entire continent is at war with itself. What do you think the reaction is going to be when people find out that his two youngest sons have been gruesomely murdered?”
Theon, “………I will be effusively praised?”
Yara, “No….just no.”
Theon, “Look we don’t have to worry about that because I confiscated everyone’s cell-phones so we are all good sister.”
Yara, “Yes but people still have mouths. Come on Theon you’re smarter than that. Why did you want me to bring 500 men with me? Because you knew the story was gonna leak and once it does all manner of unholy terror is going to descend on you. And us Pykers can be quiet the formidable opponent when we’re on our ships but out here in the woods, we’re pretty fucking useless. Dad’s plan, which btw was also terrible, was to slowly move up the coast attacking and building our army before moving into siege Winterfell. Nobody knows what the hell you think you’re doing. You a failure and you need to get the fuck out of dodge.”
Yara, “Everyone out.”
Yara, “You have been a constant source of irritation and disappointment ever since father brought you home from that orphanage.”
Theon, “Yara, you know that’s not true, I am your brother.”
Yara, “I know, I know but please allow me that little fantasy.”
Theon, “I’m not going to die!….Right?”
Yara, “You know what’s crazy is no matter how infuriating your behavior is or how angry I get with you, I still love you and will always ultimately forgive you, because we’re siblings and that’s what family does for each other. If you aren’t going to listen to me now at least think about what I said. Don’t die so far away from the sea.” (Awwww, Yara, I like you on the show now too!)
Recap: Episode 2, Season 2
Previously: Red Comets, Shots, Leaky holdfasts, Craster, Nose bleeds, Power is power, Some light interior design, Robb being sassy, Joffrey being slapped, Infanticide, Guyliner etc.
The King’s Road!
Arya is having a very stressful pee away from everyone where every little noise makes her jump because it could be someone from the Night’s Watch and she’d have to explain her unusual peeing technique. She gathers up some firewood and we meet:
Likes: Referring to himself in the third person, Arya Stark, The Sharper Image Catalog, Hair dye, Basic courtesies, The Maltese Falcon
Dislikes: Faces, Uncouth people, Not being sly or mysterious, Russell Crowe, The Superbowl Half-Time Show
Jaqen, “I realize I’m locked in a cage with some particularly gross dudes but please don’t misjudge me, I am quite the sophisticated gentleman and was wondering if you could possibly make this a little more civilized and give me some water? You have a certain badassness to yourself that I identify with.”
Prisoner, “A variety of disgusting things that if someone had said to me at Arya’s age would have done irreparable psychological damage.” Arya doesn’t even mind, she just grabs one of her sticks and starts whacking at the cage, because no one steps to Arya Stark and gets away with it.
Recap Episode 4, Season 1
Previously: Sword Fighting, Lassos, Shitty Disguises, Lancel, Chatty Crows, Grey Gardening, Drogo’s Super Sperm, etc.
Bran is walking around with his bow and arrow and you’re like, “Wow, what a speedy resolution to that plot line!” But then you realize no one’s around and he’s chasing a rather slow crow and you’re like, “It’s possible this could be a dream and if so have more interesting dreams Bran. You’re paralyzed in a world that hasn’t invented the internet, this is the most exciting thing that’s going to happen to you all day, go nuts!” But no, he’s just chasing this gross crow and then it turns around and it has 3 eyes and you’re like, “That’s slightly more interesting but still if we’re going to be watching your dreams at least give them some narrative flavor.” He wakes up in his room and Old Nan is there knitting.
Old Nan asks about his dreaming. Don’t even try Nan, it’s not worth it. Then Theon bursts into the room. I was kidding earlier Bran, your paralyzation is terrible!
Summer is instantly pissed at the sight of Theon. (Rip out his throat!) Theon, “There are visitors so you gotta get up. Well, not get up cause you can’t get up, but you gotta get downstairs somehow.”
Bran, “I don’t want nobody carrying me. Not now. Not ever, ya here!”
Theon, “Really? If I was couped up all day with only this old bat for company I’d go mad.” You did NOT just insult Old Nan, Theon. You did NOT JUST.
Bran, “Not interested.”
Theon, “Well you don’t have a choice, Robb’s waiting.” (If that’s not enough of a reason to get out of bed I don’t know what is.)
Bran, “Make me Greyjoy.”
Theon, “Look girl, I feel you. We all have big warm comfy beds we’d rather be laying in right now. But Robb told me to come get you and I have to do what Robb says because he’s prettier than I am, and you have to do what I say which isn’t true at all but I will take whatever meager amounts of power I can find and then abuse them because being raised as a ward in Winterfell has given me an insane Napoleon complex.”
Bran, “I thought the worst thing about being paralyzed was giving up on my all my hopes and dreams and the impact it would have on my dating life, but I was wrong, not being able to walk away from this conversation is the worst thing.”
Then Theon calls in Hodor to carry Bran downstairs.
Likes: Naked swiming, Hodor, Carrying small children
Dislikes: Grover Norquist’s strangled hold on tax reform, Hodor
Hodor picks Bran up by the scruff of his neck and jogs downstairs.
Recap Episode 3, Season 1 (Spoiler alert: This episode is awesome. Also, there are spoilers.)
Previously: Twig Dolls, Hangovers, Fires, Cruelty to Animals, Face Knifing, Slapping, Slim Jims, Outdoor Pissing, Teaching of New Sexual Positions, etc.
The Starks arrive in the capitol and are like, “It’s loud, there are too many people, everyone’s so rude, how many Starbucks does one city need, there are so many homeless people, it’s too expensive.” A nerdy squire comes running up to Ned all, “OMG, there’s a council meeting happening and you’re already late. Is that what you’re wearing? You sure you don’t wanna put on a blazer?”
Squire, “Going for the whole rugged, been riding for a month thing, well sure it works on you. Let’s go.” (Also I’m not telling HBO how to live their life, but it does seem kinda possible that these are the only clothes Ned Stark owns.)
They open the door to the main hall and Jaime is by himself reclining across the steps leading up to the Iron Throne. I’m going to do him the courtesy of assuming he was taking some self pics for his facebook profile because otherwise, what the hell you doing Jaime?
Ned starts having flashbacks. (During Robert’s Rebellion Jaime was in the Mad King’s secret service; when the rebellion was close to succeeding, Jaime had a “fuck this job” moment and murdered the king. After this happened Ned got to King’s Landing before Robert did and when he walked into the Red Keep, Jaime was chilling on the Iron Throne drinking a beer all:
And that pissed Ned off because the throne belonged to his boyfriend Robert. Even though Jaime totally gave it up to Robert, Ned didn’t like the implication.)
Jaime sarcastically, “Thank god you’re here Stark, we’re in need of your intense brand of northerness.” (I know Jaime’s fucking around but the Red Keep could really use some northern flavor.)
Ned, “Protecting the throne I see.” (Ned’s that annoying person in your office who bitches about you being on gchat when you should be working.)
Jaime, “That thing? Yeah, lots of people sit on it. Speaking of butts and specifically buttholes remember when Robert asked you to come to King’s Landing to wash his butt for him and you said yes?”
Ned, “Ugh, banter is so not my forte. I’m not great with sarcasm, we don’t have a lot of Jews in the north. Your face is very handsome what with no bruises…or something….”
Jaime, “Yeah people keep trying to land one on me but they haven’t cause I’m that good.’
Ned, “Or you just choose opponents…opponents….with short arms! Ha! Pussy.”
Jaime Lannister will tolerate a variety of shenanigans but he will not tolerate being called a pussy.
Jaime, “This must be so weird for you, I was totally standing right here when the Mad King murdered your uncle and dad with fire.” (The Mad King is Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator/I’m Still Here:
Jaime, “I’m going to tell you some more unnecessary details about your father’s gruesome death.”
Ned, “Remember how you did nothing to help him?”
Jamie, “In my defense, five hundred men did nothing to help him, because aside from the wonderful, happy place inside your head where everyone feels a deep-seated need to do what’s right, people are by and large pretty shitty.” (He’s also making an argument for democracy and the power of freedom of thought but I don’t think that’s his point.) “Annyyhooo, later when I killed the king I thought of your dad and I felt like I was doing a good thing.” (Like Cersei and her story about Robert’s dead baby, he’s telling the truth here, he’s just doing it for fucked up reasons. I think the Lannisters need friends who aren’t each other.) “Isn’t it weird how I totally avenged your father instead of you?”
Ned, “Oh fuck you pretty boy. You didn’t do it for my dad, you still totally blow for literally stabbing the king in the back.”
Jamie, “If I stabbed him in the belly would you admire me more?”
Ned, “1. I don’t admire you. 2. I’m over this. Stark out!” And starks off.
Recap Episode 2, Season One
Previously: Zombies, Wolves, Haircuts, Rape, Dragon Eggs, Twincest, Walls, Defenestration, etc. etc.
Across the Narrow Sea!
Daenerys is taking five when Jorah comes over because Jorah is never anywhere farther than 5 seconds from being up Daenerys’s ass at all times. Jorah is like, “You need to take care of yourself,” and gives her a horse slim jim. Her face says, “If I eat another piece of horse meat I’m going to ralph.” Jorah tells her the Dothraki believe in a ghost grass that will destroy all living crops and take over the world because they are super concerned about global warming. Daenerys, “Is this supposed to be making me feel better or…” Jorah sees Daenerys looking apprehensively at Drogo and tells her it will get easier. She looks at him like, “Gross old man, why would you say that?” and rides away. Jorah, “A swing and a miss.”
The Dothraki make camp. Jorah stops Viserys and is like, “Uhh dude don’t you wanna go back to the hotel, it doesn’t really seem like camping is your thing.”
Viserys, “I don’t want a hotel I want an army.” He picks up on Jorah’s condenscion and brings up his slave trading because Viserys is a manipulative dick. He makes Jorah tell him about how he got caught selling slaves by Ned Stark. Viserys, “Sucks to be you dude. Btw you can totally do that when I’m king and there will be a soda machine in the cafeteria, senior parking on Thursday and Friday, it’s going to be totally sweet.” Iain Glen says the word, “douche” under his breath as Viserys walks away.