"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "
Recap: Episode 1, Season 4
That was fast!
Last season: Robb died, Catelyn died, Talisa died, Talisa’s unborn baby died, Greywind died, Ros died, Orell died, Lord Mormont died, Craster died, Catelyn’s dad died, Theon lost his penis, some teeth and his mind, Jaime finally made it back to King’s Landing, Sam and Jon finally made it back to the Wall, Bran went beyond the Wall, Mance is ready to attack the Wall, Stannis is going to defend the Wall, Yara is going to find Theon, Sansa married Tyrion, Joffrey is marrying Margaery, Cersei is marrying Loras, Arya started hanging out with the Hound, Littlefinger was headed to the Vale, Daenerys was headed to Meeren, and Rickon set out on a perilous and mysterious adventure for the great unknown armed with nothing but his wits, a violent temper and a feral direwolf.
In a fancy wolf pelt scabbard is Ned’s sword, Ice.
Tywin unsheathes it and gives it to a special armorer, (NOT Gendry) who melts it down. Tywin puts on his iPod and cranks up “Rains of Castamere” and rocks out while watching them rework the steel into two swords.
Tywin then takes the wolf pelt scabbard and throws it into a fire just to really rub it in that the Starks are gone, because why not give us all PTSD Red Wedding flashbacks .02 seconds into the premiere? One thing Tywin, will you let us have one thing?
We’re back! (How I missed you!)
We get to see the Dreadfort (home to House Bolton) in the credits.
And pretty Meereen.
Hand of the King’s Room!
Jaime’s back with an awesome hair cut.
Tywin is giving him one of the swords he made in the cold open.
Jaime, “Sweet sword dad! Who knew you were cool?”
Jaime, “But seriously, how’d you get this? It looks brand new.”
Tywin, “That’s cause she is.”
Jaime, “Bullshit. You just bought a Valyrian steel sword? Where?”
Tywin, “No, you idiot. I flew out a fancy armorer from Volantis and put him up at a five star hotel in the city cause Tywin Lannister is:
Jaime, “But where did you get the raw materials? Valyrian steel is extinct.”
Tywin, “Get this, I used Ice.”
Jaime, “You’re giving me Ned Stark’s sword? That is so fucked up.”
Tywin, “I know, right?”
Jaime, “But like, even for you.”
Jaime, “Is there any horror you won’t subject the Starks to?”
Tywin, “Not really, no.”
Jaime, “Well, our family did always want a Valyrian steel sword.”
Tywin, “Now we have two. Everything is coming up Lannister!”
Jaime, “I gotta admit, having rich parents is awesome.” He genuinely thanks Tywin and Tywin nods and it is the most functional interaction we’ve seen him have with any of his children, let’s hope he doesn’t ruin it in 3, 2, 1…
Jaime clumsily puts the sword down.
His eyes went back to Jaime’s stump, and his mouth grew taut with fury. “We’ll have their heads. Every one. Can you use a sword with your left hand?”
I can hardly dress myself in the morning. Jaime held up the hand in question for his father’s inspection. “Four fingers, a thumb, much like the other, Why shouldn’t it work as well?”
Tywin, “You’ll never be as good.”
Jaime, “Jesus. You ever heard of not kicking a man while he’s down?”
Tywin, “It’s my joie de vivre.”
Jaime, “Whatever. Don’t worry about it. Tis but a scratch.”
(We can talk when I’m less emotional about it, about how devastated Jaime is about losing his hand but how he makes a joke and down plays it any time someone brings it up.)
Tywin, “You know you can’t keep your job with one hand.”
Jaime, “Where is that in my contract? Kingsguard is ride or die.”
Tywin, “Look, the war is over and this is awkward, but no one really needs you anymore. Joffrey’s totally safe.”
Jaime, “Is he? Cause I personally know about a hundred people who would kill him right now if they could, and not even because he’s king, just for the joy of it.”
Tywin, “Look you’ve been gone a long time, he was kept alive the whole time you were gone. You can go home and no one will even notice.”
Jaime, “Say what now?”
Tywin, “Casterly Rock, you can go and rule.”
Jaime, “But that’s your house.”
Tywin, “I am the King’s Hand, and unlike the other ones, I’m not an idiot. I know how this position works and no way am I making it back to Casterly Rock. Plus I’m old as shit, it’s time for you to fulfill the destiny I have painstakingly planned for you.”
Jaime, “My life is 95% getting shit for violating the number one rule of being in the Kingsguard; don’t kill the king. I’m not going to violate the second rule; don’t leave until you’re dead.”
Tywin, “Joffrey kicked Barristan to the curb even though he wasn’t dead, and that worked out perfectly. He’s not secretly aiding a usurper across the narrow sea or anything. So there’s total precedent for him to fire you.”
Tywin, “Okay, I really wasn’t asking.”
Jaime, “Doesn’t matter.”
Tywin, “You’re going to put your fucking honor before - “
Jaime, “Nobody gives a fuck about my honor, least of all me,” he lies, “but my answer is still ‘no.’ I don’t want your stupid castle.”
Tywin, “Doesn’t anyone want Casterly Rock?”
Tyrion, “I’LL TAKE IT!”
Tywin, “God, I can’t give this thing away.”
Jaime, “Look marriage isn’t really my bag.”
Tywin, “You’ll get your inheritance and you’ll live in our giant mansion and you will keep the Lannister name going by reminding people of how sick we are and making them eat it.”
Jaime, “Not really feeling it.”
Tywin, “Are you insane? You just spent two entire seasons covered in shit walking half the continent on foot. Don’t you want a change of pace? Get a steady job with benefits, knock off everyday at 5 PM? Go home watch some Netflix and relax? You won’t have to deal with Joffrey’s shit everyday, or mine. I am asking you to do the literal easiest thing you could do. There are two options in King’s Landing, 1. Get murdered and 2. Get tortured gruesomely and then get murdered. I’m giving you an out.”
Jaime, “I don’t want a wife, I don’t want children, and I don’t want to be no lord of no Casterly Rock.”
Tywin, “Well then the fuck do you want?”
Jaime, “To fuck my sister and for everyone to get off my nuts.”
Tywin, “How are all three of my children such massive disappointments?”
Jaime, “Well you are a pretty awful parent.”
Tywin, “For forty years…”
Jaime, “Wait, am I forty??”
Tywin, “Anyway, for forty long years I’ve tried to teach you, but it’s too fucking late now. If you want to crush all my hopes and dreams by becoming a nun, I can’t stop you.”
Jaime, “I assume this means I can’t keep the sword.”
Tywin, “Consider it a parting gift. We’re done. Every time you use it I want you to think about me and all the ways you disappointed me.”
“You are my son -”
“I am a knight of the Kingsguard. The Lord Commander of the Kingsguard! And that’s all I mean to be!”
Firelight gleamed golden in the stiff whiskers that framed Lord Tywin’s face. A vein pulsed in his neck, but he did not speak. And did not speak. And did not speak.
The strained silence went on until it was more than Jaime could endure. “Father…” he began.
“You are not my son.” Lord Tywin turned his face away. “You say you are the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, and only that. Very well, ser. Go do your duty.”
Recap Season 3, Episode 10
Christmas comes early for Roose Bolton, who climbs to the top of the Twins so he can get the best seat possible to watch as the Freys decimate the drunk Stark army and it is brutal.
They’re hanging them, lighting them on fire, chopping off legs, doing all the disgusting things Freys do when given a small amount of power.
Roose loves it:
The Hound has tiny passed out Arya on his lap and smartly grabs a Frey banner as he attempts to get them out of there. (I like that quick thinking Hound, branding is important. Keep your head in the game. Everyone we love is dead, we need you to stay alive!) He’s trying to get them out of there, when from the castle a group of people emerges chanting, “The King In The North!”
This is the worst thing in the world. Worst than anything the show has done before. They bring Robb out and they have sewed Grey Wind’s head to his body.
I can’t believe they showed it.
It’s just too much.
Arya wakes up just in time to see this.
And she was right to be nervous last episode, all her worst fears are coming true!
And she had to be there when Ned was beheaded, now this too.
Arya loses whatever sanity she had left while behind her the Stark banners burn.
It’s almost too much to handle.
Tyrion and Sansa are enjoying a lovely mid afternoon stroll with Shae in the gardens. Two shitty bros walk by and giggle at them. Tyrion begins muttering their names under his breath.
Tyrion, “Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall, Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall …”
Sansa, “You okay there Rain Man?”
Tyrion, “Yeah, sorry, just updating my list.”
Sansa, “A murder list?”
Tyrion, “For laughing at me? Do I look like Joffrey?”
Sansa, “No, but you are a Lannister, so I thought I’d double check.”
Tyrion, “I may be a Lannister but I’m not a monster.”
Sansa, “You call him that too?! Oh isn’t it great, we can talk like this!”
Tyrion, “Murder and mayhem isn’t really my style. I prefer a more subtle terror…”
Sansa, like every mom ever, ”You should learn to ignore them.”
Tyrion, “Uh, yeah thanks for the condescending advice. But I’ve been dealing with this since the moment I was born. You’ve only had a bad few years. Constant laughing and belittlement really eats away at the soul in a way that can’t be dismissed by self help platitudes. I am the half man, the demon monkey, the imp.”
Sansa, “Yeah, but at least your family still runs shit. I am the disgraced daughter of the traitor Ned Stark.”
Tyrion, “The disgraced daughter and the demon monkey, we’re perfect for each other.” And Sansa smiles!! And laughs!
Tyrion looks back at Shae.
Shae, “You’re friends now? That’s greeeaaat.”
Sansa, “So, alright I’m on board, how are we gonna do it?”
Tyrion, “Do what?”
Sansa, “Punish those two yokels for making fun of you.”
Tyrion, “Oh, that. Full disclosure, what I usually do is talk to Varys, get their internet history, and then blackmail them with whatever creepy stuff they’re into. It will definitely work on those dudes, anyone called Desmond Crakehall must be a pervert.”
Sansa, “Yeah well, popular opinion is that you’re a total pervert, but I know for a fact that you’re not.”
Tyrion, “Hey now, that’s our little secret. I’m the imp, I have a reputation I have to live down to.”
Sansa is lolzing and really excited, she takes a seat to look Tyrion in the eye and it’s the youngest we’ve seen her be in forever! (I love their bonding.)
Sansa, “I’ve got an idea!”
Tyrion, “Well get in here girl, let’s hear it.”
Sansa, “We could put sheep shift in Ser Desmond’s bed.”
Shae, “What now?”
Sansa, “You cut a little hole in his mattress and you stuff sheep shift inside. Then you sew up the hole and make his bed again. His room will stink, but he won’t know where it’s coming from.”
Tyrion, “Welcome to the party Lady Sansa! Look at you Starks being fun, I didn’t know that was a thing you did.” (I want Sansa and Tyrion to have an extended montage where they run around King’s Landing pulling pranks on people. They can toilet paper the Red Keep, put tacks on the Iron throne, Nair in Cersei’s shampoo bottle, general hi-jinks. Varys can assist. It would be great. (But also guys, if you’re gonna be pranking anyone, let’s start with Joffrey.))
Sansa, “Things used to get pretty wild at Winterfell. Arya used to do that when she was pissed at me, and she was pissed at me a lot.”
Tyrion, “I like where you’re going with this, but one quick question, what is “sheep shift?”“
Sansa, conspiratorially, “In the North, that’s the vulgar word for dung.” (Also sidebar! Arya! That is disgusting! If there was shit anywhere near my bed, I would burn my apartment to the ground and move.)
And Tyrion can’t stop himself from being charmed by her because she’s being super cute right now.
Sansa, “Well you asked!”
Tyrion, “No, I love it, diabolical in its simplicity. It’s perfect.”
Then Podrick comes running through the garden, tripping over fangirls on his way.
Podrick, “Allow me to interrupt this beautiful moment forever, but Small Council calls.”
Recap Episode 2, Season One
Previously: Zombies, Wolves, Haircuts, Rape, Dragon Eggs, Twincest, Walls, Defenestration, etc. etc.
Across the Narrow Sea!
Daenerys is taking five when Jorah comes over because Jorah is never anywhere farther than 5 seconds from being up Daenerys’s ass at all times. Jorah is like, “You need to take care of yourself,” and gives her a horse slim jim. Her face says, “If I eat another piece of horse meat I’m going to ralph.” Jorah tells her the Dothraki believe in a ghost grass that will destroy all living crops and take over the world because they are super concerned about global warming. Daenerys, “Is this supposed to be making me feel better or…” Jorah sees Daenerys looking apprehensively at Drogo and tells her it will get easier. She looks at him like, “Gross old man, why would you say that?” and rides away. Jorah, “A swing and a miss.”
The Dothraki make camp. Jorah stops Viserys and is like, “Uhh dude don’t you wanna go back to the hotel, it doesn’t really seem like camping is your thing.”
Viserys, “I don’t want a hotel I want an army.” He picks up on Jorah’s condenscion and brings up his slave trading because Viserys is a manipulative dick. He makes Jorah tell him about how he got caught selling slaves by Ned Stark. Viserys, “Sucks to be you dude. Btw you can totally do that when I’m king and there will be a soda machine in the cafeteria, senior parking on Thursday and Friday, it’s going to be totally sweet.” Iain Glen says the word, “douche” under his breath as Viserys walks away.