A Song of Ice and Lolz

Recap: Season 3, Episode 5

Previously: We lost Craster (yay!) and Mormont (no!), Catelyn threw Bran out of a tree, Sam and Gilly set out on a road trip of their own, Jaime briefly flirted with anorexia, Theon cried, Daenerys unhinged her jaw and ate the entire world.

This Episode:

Only The Good Die Young!
Thoros and Beric are about to have their rumble in the cave.
Me:

Thoros, “Xenu save us!”
Everyone, “Xenu save us!”
Thoros, “If the Hound is innocent, let him kill my friend. If he is guilty, let my friend kill him.”
Everyone, “For the night is dark and full of terrors.”
Brotherhood:

The Hound’s getting himself psyched up, pretty convinced he has this in the bag. 
The Hound:

Beric cuts his hand, spilling his blood on his sword. Then he whispers softly, “dracarys,” and the sword LIGHTS ON FUCKING FIRE.
Hound:

Beric:

And then they FIGHT. FIGHT. FIGHT.

Me:

This fight is so cool and so well choreographed. I died. I loved this fight so much and they do such a good job with it (as always.)
Me:

Then in the melee, the Hound catches on fire!

(I feel like it gets lost in all the child murdering, but the Hound is being very brave! He’s so afraid of fire! And for a total nihilist, he’s fighting very hard for his life here!)
He doesn’t have much support from the stands. Everyone’s chanting, “Guilty! Guilty!”
Arya, is more direct, “Kill Him! KILL HIM!”
Beric is doing a great job, and he has the whole fire advantage but the Hound is a huge beast and isn’t going down easy.
The Hound:

Then the Hound, still on fire,  BRINGS UP HIS SWORD AND CUTS BERIC’S SWORD IN HALF STABBING BERIC.
Everyone:

Beric falls over with a giant chest wound and a sword sticking out of his shoulder. The Hound stops, drops, and rolls.
Thoros jumps on top of Beric, “Xenu put the thetons back in his body.”
Arya has had enough of this bullshit and grabs a sword and goes running full speed at the Hound, because there’s no situation she can’t make better by running in half cocked and fully armed.
Gendry’s the only one with eyes on Arya and runs after her shouting, “ARYA, DON’T!” And then he GRABS HER and tackles her to the ground! Gendry! Why are you so wonderful!
Me:

Arya, “No! Let go of me!”
Gendry, “No! You can’t just murder people!”
Arya, “Why not? Everyone else does!”
Hound, “Looks like the gods love me more than your butchers boy.”
Arya:

The Hound:

And then Beric stands up. ALIVE. 
Beric:

Everyone:

Beric, “Oh, he’ll go to hell, just not today.”
Brotherhood:

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Recap Season 3, Episode 3

Previously: Brienne kicked Jaime’s butt, that goddamn three eyed crow came back, the Queen of Thorns killed it, mild crossbow foreplay, warging, hippies, the triumphant return of the Hound and the outing of Arya Stark, Rickon running wildly through the woods like a mysterious and magical wood nymph, Catelyn and Robb finding out about Rickon and Bran possibly being dead and taking it in stride, etc. etc.

This. Fucking. Episode. I was too hungover on Sunday to make it to my friend’s weekly Game of Thrones watching party and was like, “It’s fine it’s only the third episode it’s not like they’re going to get to the de-handing Jaime thing yet.” But I forgot that this show has the pacing of a goddamn race horse and Benioff and Weiss don’t give a fuck and will cut off anyone’s limb at anytime, so I had to watch this by MYSELF, with only my delivery food to yell at.
Alright. Deep breath, let’s do this.

Credits!

The End of First Knight!
We say goodbye to Lord Hoster Tully.

 In fact we didn’t even know you at all, because that’s how intense this show is, even off camera characters are on the chopping block. Then, we meet Catelyn’s younger brother, Edmure!

Edmure comes up with his bow and his awesome scaley fish armor and lights a flaming arrow ready to send his father off with dignity to his fiery/watery grave…and it goes… right into the current.
Everyone:

Edmure, “Don’t worry I got this.”
Everyone, “False.”
He tries again, and it’s a swing in a miss. People start giggling and even Robb laughs!!! 
Robb, “It feels good to laugh.”
Catelyn gives him the most hardcore death glare and is like, “Laugh again and it will be you in that boat.”
Robb:

(Which Catelyn, the funniest thing that has happened to your son in weeks is a funeral.  Shit is bleaaaak. Let him get his lols where he can.)
Edmure tries again and misses.

Hoster’s body is rapidly sailing out of sight so Catelyn’s awesome Uncle Blackfish puts an end to this tomfoolery and shoves Edmure aside. Blackfish lights an arrow and sends it flying AND HE’S SO HARDCORE HE DOESN’T EVEN LOOK TO MAKE SURE IT LANDS.

Blackfish walks away, leaving Edmure and everyone to wallow in Edmure’s shame. 
Edmure:

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Recap Season 2, Episode 10

Whew, time went by fast.

Sorry, I went out for a pack of smokes there and never came back. I’ve been busy.

I did things not on the internet.

I fell into a Shameless sinkhole and have been trying to claw my way out.

Anyway, it’s not important. What matters is I’m back and I’ll never leave you again! (Probably.) Thank you all for your awesome patience and notes of encouragement. They mean so much to me!

Right, so where were we? Well, it’s been at least five fucking years since the episode aired, and we’ve all pretty much forgotten what happened. But who cares? We’re here, we’re doing this, and we’re gonna have fun anyway.

So everyone get a seat, grab a beer, and relax. 
Ready?

Let’s do this!

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Recap: Episode 4, Season 2
Previously: Sam and Jon having a loving healthy relationship, The complete and total emotional destruction of Theon Greyjoy, Thimble giving, Almost gay sex, Baptisms, Beard cuts, Riddles, Alas poor Yoren we knew him well, Jedi mind-tricks, Children being stabbed in the throat, etc. etc.

Credits!



Lannister Camp!
It’s pouring in the middle of the night and we’re listening to the witty repartee of some Lannister soldiers, which is like listening to Duke lacrosse players in a locker room after a game. They’re playing Fuck/Marry/Kill with all the men in Westoros. 
Lannister Soldier 1: “You’d want to marry the Mountain right? He’s so big and strong, he’d make you feel small and delicate.”
Lannister Soldier 2: “But what about Jaime? He’s got those blue eyes and that long blond hair. I certainly wouldn’t kick him out of bed.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “Oh that’s right! I forgot about Jaime, he is a piece.”
Lannister Soldier 2: “But there’s also Loras Tyrell. Now there’s someone who knows his way with a sword and I bet he’d help me update my wardrobe.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “Yeah but Loras is already engaged to Renly.”
Lannister Soldier 2: “Doesn’t mean we can’t be together in my imagination! God, you take all the fun out of this.”  (Boys, the answer is Jon/Robb/Joffrey.) 
Horses: “I am not happy right now.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “The horses are being funny.”
Lannister Soldier 2: “They’re just stupid horses getting scared by silly little shadows. Shadows man! That’s definitely nothing to be scared of, I mean who would ever possibly get scared of a shadow, that’s never hap-”
Lannister Soldier 1: “Thanks Freddy Foreshadowing and can you keep it down, I think there’s something on the wing.”
Lannister Soldier 2: “What are you going on about? Let me go investigate.”
Lannister Soldier 1:  “Shhh, listen closely don’t you hear it?”
Lannister Soldier 2: “Hear what?”
Lannister Soldier 1: “Wait for it…”
Lannister Soldier 2: “This is really tense right now.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “FART!” Oh, war!  
Lannister Soldier 1: “Ha Ha Ha! You should have seen your face! You were so serious! Oh I can’t believe you fell for it! You almost attacked my fart with your sword! L.O.L. Wait till I tell the guys about this one! We’re gonna retell this story for weeks!”
Lannister Soldier 2: “You are such an asshole you know that?”
Lannister Soldier 1: “You were all “Who goes there?!” and it was just my smelly gas!”
Lannister Soldier 2: “There’s definitely something out there.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “You can’t get me back right away suuucka!”
Lannister Soldier 2: “No I’m serious.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “Taking a piss! Not falling for it!”
Lannister Soldier 2: “LOOK OUT!”
Nymeria Grey Wind: “BITING YOUR FACE.”
ROBB!!! You’re back!! And you’re wet! Thank god.

Stark Army: “The King in the North!”
Me: “THE KING IN THE NORTH!”

Lannister  Robb’s Camp!
Lannister Soldier 1: “Intestines Everywhere.”

The camp is filled with  the dead and dying and Robb is walking around taking stock. (I realize all I do is talk about how attractive Richard Madden is but this is outrageous. He’s covered in shit and dirt but his blue eyes sparkle so much in this scene he might as well be a White Walker amiright?
) 

And then we meet: Roose Bolton!
Likes: Hans Gruber, Hannibal Lecter, Iago, Colonel Kurtz, Hans Landa, Kevin Spacey in Seven, Leatherface, Amon Goeth, Palpatine, Buffalo Bill, Leeching etc.
Dislikes: The Geneva Conventions, The health and well being of others, My happiness 

Everyone, “Looting corpses!”  
Roose, “We killed five Lannister men for every one of ours. You are kind of a child prodigy at this war stuff.” (I didn’t know who this was at first and just assumed it was Roose Bolton based entirely on the actor’s deeply unsettling, smoothly silk-like voice.) 
Robb, “Thanks, I guess.”
Roose, “So we don’t have that much food, I mean we have some but not enough if we want seconds so we’ll just kill everyone who’s still alive.”
Robb, “No. No. Let’s not do that.”
Roose, “You misheard me, I obviously meant we will torture them terribly to find out what they know about Tywin’s plans of course.” (Michael McElhatton seriously what is even your voice? It sounds like it was aged in a oak barrel for ten years and poured over ice.) “As my family always says, “Naked men are degraded and embarrassed enough but once you start taking their skin off, that’s when the fun really starts.” The holidays at our house get…intense.”
Robb, “Oh, I know. You would think “don’t skin people alive” would be an unspoken rule, but my father had to outlaw flaying in the north because your family is so weird with that shit.”
Roose, “Well yeah, but the great thing is we’re not in the north so it could be a 24/7 flaying party around here….I mean… if we wanted…I could invite…”
Robb:

Robb, “We are not going to slowly remove large chunks of skin from people in whole pieces and that’s final. Why are you making me say this?”
Roose, “I’m pretty messed up.” (Honestly Roose, it is so hard to concentrate when you talk because your voice is like velvet if velvet was made out of butter.) “Look not treating people like skin dispensers is fun and all but just try convincing your army of that.”
Robb, “What?”
Roose, “What?”
Robb, “If we start to flambe people or whatever weird shit you wanna do it will give the Lannister’s an excuse to hurt my sisters, so this a nonstarter.” (Uhhh Robb, the Lannisters don’t really need an excuse to do that. “It’s 3 PM and I’m sober” is usually enough of a reason for them to terrorize Sansa.)
Roose, “Well that’s….disappointing….”
Then Robb sees someone in need and just:

And we meet nurse lady!

Talisa
Likes: 

Dislikes: 

Lannister Man, “My leg! My leg!”
Talisa, “The rot’s set in, so it’s coming off. Now.”
Lannister Man, “Wait! Let’s get a second opinion! I’ll go home, take some aspirin see if it goes away! Let’s not jump to the whole “cutting my leg off thing!””
Talisa, “Nah, I’m just gonna take it off.”
Lannister Man, “Don’t I have to sign a release? Maybe wait a few hours? I’ve eaten recently! Isn’t that bad before surgery?”
Robb, “I believe my raw physical strength could be of service here.”  
Me:

Lannister Man, “Please don’t! I need my foot! For things! It’s like Tyrion said, the only time being a cripple doesnt matter is if you’re rich and I’m not rich!”
Robb, “Here bite down on this.”
Me:

Roose, “Uh, guys, you realize you’re working on a Lannister right? Why don’t you leave him be and go tend to some Stark men and I’ll go get my special flaying knife…”
Robb, “You’re not getting any skin today will you leave it?”

Talisa, “Self righteous things.”
Robb to man, “Trust me, you are not gonna wanna see this.” And then Robb watches Talisa as she saws the man’s leg off with all this FEELING in his big blue eyes and he’s already picturing how it’s going to go at dinner parties: Person, “You two are so cute, how’d you meet?” Robb, “Well she was on the bottom end of this guy chopping his feet off and I was on the top end of him holding him down and shoving my gloves into his mouth and you know it’s like they say, “When it’s right, it’s right.”“ (Also is forced limb removal what you’re into Robb? Because that’s …. not necessarily a deal breaker.)

Later!
Jeyne Talisa loads the dude up on a cart and then sends it on it’s very bumpy way. At least give the dude some morphine for that ride, or vicodin, “Milk of Poppy, ” whatever. Robb’s like, “So she’s currently not holding any severed limbs is now when I make my move or….” Then Talisa sees Robb looking at her and is just:

Then she storms away from him to start gathering her things. (Okay I’m sorry: dragons, wolf dreams, shadow babies whatever this scene right here is the most unbelievable in the whole series. Nobody is dissing Mr. Blue Eyes McCheekbones like that. I don’t care how many of your family members he just killed, you’d still be like, “Sure let’s grab a drink and talk through this.”)
Robb, “Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.”
Talisa, “My name’s Talisa.”
Robb, “And your last name would be….”
Talisa, “Trying to find out if I’m on your side?”
Robb, “No I just want to make sure we aren’t related. It is like a problem around here.”
Talisa, “Remember how you just helped me cut that boys foot off?”
Robb, “Yes, it happened two minutes ago.”
Talisa, “That was 100% your fault.”
Robb, “Self righteousness and a guilt trip? You are hitting all of my Stark buttons.  Look, if it were up to me I’d be in Winterfell right now playing X-Box with Theon and Jon and Bran.”
Talisa, “And Rickon?”
Robb, “Who? I’m only out here killing people because the Lannisters went ape shit on my family last season. They defenestrated my brother.”
Talisa, “What?”
Robb, “I know, fucked up right?”
Talisa, “And that boy with the peg leg, he did what to your family?”
Robb, “Well the people he fights with - “
Talisa, “You think he’s friends with King Joffrey?”
Robb, “Maybe, I don’t know his life.”
Talisa, “He’s just a wee baby, he probably never held a sword before and now he’s out here getting his limbs hacked off by me. I am very upset about this.”
Robb, “Yeah, so am I. It’s called “The Psychological Toll of War.” We’re all going to need some serious counseling.” 
Talisa, “Well that should help his foot grow back.”
Robb, “We live in an incredibly violent medieval society. I don’t really know what to tell you? I didn’t invent the rules of the game I just have to play by them.”
Talisa, “Walks over to load up another cart.”
Robb, “So you want me to just surrender then? Then Joffrey can just chop off all of our dad’s heads.”
Joffrey:

Talisa, “And you’re going to kill Joffrey?
Robb, “That is the basic plan, yes.”

Talisa, “And then what?”
Robb, “Well….then I’ll get my sisters and my mother and my father’s bones and we’ll go back to Winterfell and try to heal as best we can from the damage that’s been done to us over the past few months. Sure it’s not a lot but it’s the best happy ending I can hope for. I don’t want to be King of Anything…Well just of the North…mostly cause it sounds really cool.”
Talisa, “So who will be King?”
Robb, “I don’t know. Tyrion, Renly, Jon, Arya, Gendry, Daenerys, Varys, Jaime, Hot Pie? Literally anyone but Joffrey would be an improvement.”
Talisa, “So you fighting this massive war and you have no idea what the end game is?”
Robb, “I’m 17 lady, not Henry Kissinger. My lack of political cunning compared to others in this series is actually one of my more redeeming qualities.”
Talisa, “Well I’m out. Cart me away!”
Robb, “Wait! Seriously? You’re just going to leave? You don’t want to run your fingers through my hair to see what it’s like? Or have me sit for an oil portrait so you can paint me? Like people normally do? At least tell me where you’re from.”
Talisa, “Across the narrow sea.”
Robb, “Then why don’t you have an accent?”
Talisa, “I didn’t really think through my cover story.”
Robb, “The boy was lucky you were here.”
Talisa, “He was unlucky you were.”
Robb, “I have the weirdest boner right now.”

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Recap: Episode 3, Season 2

Previously: Reshuffling of the cabinet, Infanticide (again), No Robb, Greyjoy weirdness, Unconsummated sex between siblings, Gendry being the best character in the history of ever, Discussions of how you shit when you die, Sam getting a crush, Theon getting denied, Just generally complicated sexual politics, etc.

Crasters!
Picking up right where we left off, Craster drags Jon into his house waking everyone up in the middle of the night and unceremoniously kicking the Night’s Watch from his incest compound.
Craster, “I am very upset with Jon right now! I thought we had something! There’s no way a feeling that intense was one-sided! I had all these fantasies! He was going to stay here and we were going to raise my daughter/wives together! But it turns out he’s a snooping good for nothing! l feel more betrayed than Rachael Leigh Cooke when she found out Freddie Prinze Jr. was just pretending to date her to win a bet!”
Jon, “Sexily spits blood out of his mouth.” How does being covered in open wounds make you more attractive Kit Harrington? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

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Recap: Episode 2, Season 2

Previously: Red Comets, Shots, Leaky holdfasts, Craster, Nose bleeds, Power is power, Some light interior design, Robb being sassy, Joffrey being slapped, Infanticide, Guyliner etc.

Credits!

The King’s Road!
Arya is having a very stressful pee away from everyone where every little noise makes her jump because it could be someone from the Night’s Watch and she’d have to explain her unusual peeing technique. She gathers up some firewood and we meet:

Jaqen H’ghar
Likes: Referring to himself in the third person, Arya Stark, The Sharper Image Catalog, Hair dye, Basic courtesies, The Maltese Falcon
Dislikes: Faces, Uncouth people, Not being sly or mysterious, Russell Crowe, The Superbowl Half-Time Show

Jaqen, “I realize I’m locked in a cage with some particularly gross dudes but please don’t misjudge me, I am quite the sophisticated gentleman and was wondering if you could possibly make this a little more civilized and give me some water? You have a certain badassness to yourself that I identify with.”
Arya’s face:

Prisoner, “A variety of disgusting things that if someone had said to me at Arya’s age would have done irreparable psychological damage.” Arya doesn’t even mind, she just grabs one of her sticks and starts whacking at the cage, because no one steps to Arya Stark and gets away with it. 

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