A Song of Ice and Lolz

"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "


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Posts tagged "Loras Tyrell"

Recap, Season 3, Episode 8

(Sorry this is so late guys! My little sister was in town and stayed with me this past week and really cramped my recapping game. But I think the Starks would agree with me that family comes first. Also the Lannisters. You know what, let’s move on.)

Previously: Robb got naked, Theon got castrated, Talisa got knocked up, Gendry found out the results of his paternity test, Ygritte learned some important lessons about eco friendly technology, and Jaime jumped into a bear pit and all of our hearts to save Brienne.

Off the bat this episode:
No Robb.
No Jon.
No Jaime.
No Theon.
Boys! I miss you! (Except you Theon. You should stay away for a while.)

Woods!
Arya wakes up staring at a rock. She’s weighing the pros and cons of bashing Sandor in the head with it. Because she’s Arya Stark head-bashing wins and she creeps over to where the Hound is sleeping, but she’s not as quiet as Syrio taught her to be and the Hound hears her coming from a mile away. (You know what would fix this problem Sandor? A blanket burrito! (In the books the Hound deals with the fierceness of Arya Stark by wrapping her up in a blanket bundle that she can’t get out of. It’s surprisingly adorable.))
Hound, “I’ll give you one shot, kill me and you’re free, fail and I’ll break both your hands.”
Arya agrees with the audience that there’s been too much hand violence on the show recently and gives up.
Later they’re riding and Arya sits sidesaddle in the front. (For two ruthless killers they sure are cute.)
The Hound offers her food and she rejects it.
Hound:
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Hound, “You’re in a bad mood.”
Arya:
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Hound, “You’re actually super lucky I found you and not someone worse.”
Arya, “Nope. Pretty sure you’re the absolute worst.”
Hound, “Pretty sure that’s my brother. He’s so intense he once killed a man for snoring.” (Okay is that really the best example Sandor? I’ve almost killed someone for snoring. A car alarm went off outside my apartment for an hour the other night at 2 AM and if murder would have stopped it, I would have considered it.) 
Hound, “At least I’m not physically abusive or a rapist.”
Arya, “Okay the men of Westoros need to set a higher bar for themselves. You don’t get a prize for not raping a child. It’s just what you should do.”
Hound, “I know that, I actually save people from being raped. People like, I don’t know, your sister. Why don’t you ask her the next time you see her who saved her when she was being attacked at Flea Bottom?” 
(Sandor!!! You’re gossiping with Arya about Sansa!)
Hound, “No but seriously, does she think I’m  a hero? Also what does she think about my hair? Cause I’ve been thinking of doing it a different way.” (Hound, we have got to get you an age appropriate love interest.)
Arya, “Is that the Blackwater?”
Hound, “Do you have any idea where we are?”
Arya, “Not really no. But you’re the King’s dog? You kill little boys when he tells you to, aren’t you bringing me back to him?”
Hound, “That was before my mental breakdown. I said it once, I’ll say it again, Fuck Joffrey, Fuck the Queen. I’m not going back there. Not now, not ever. That’s the Red Fork, I’m taking you to the Twins.”
Arya, “Why?”
Hound, “Because your mom and brother are there and I’m going to do what the audience has wanted for three seasons and reunite some Starks…for a small fee of course.”
Me:
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Arya even smiles a little bit! Wolf girl!!
Arya, “Wait, why is my family hanging out with the Freys? God things are worse than I thought.”
Hound, “The Brotherhood didn’t tell you? Dicks. It’s on the front page of every tabloid, your Uncle is marrying one of the Frey girls. So if you quit trying to kill me, we might make it there in time for the rehearsal dinner.”
Arya, “It really is lucky that I was caught by you wasn’t it?”
Hound, “That’s what I was trying to tell you.”
Arya, “Sorry I tried to bash your head in with a rock.”
Hound , “I get the impulse.”
Arya, “You wanna talk more about Sansa?”
Hound, “Do I ever!”
Arya, “Well does she know you have a crush on her?”
Hound:
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Yunkai!!
Daenerys is adorably hiding behind a wall with her awesome headscarf.
Barristan, “I don’t trust mercenaries. People need to be bound by their word and honor.”
Jorah, “I know that was a dig at me old man! Hurtful. And these guys will kill you if they get a big enough check.”
Daenerys, “So you know them?”
Jorah, “I recognize their team logo, they’re called the Second Sons. They’re a company led by a Bravosi named Mero, the Titan’s bastard. They are not pleasant.”
Daenerys, “Is he more titan or bastard?”
Jorah, “He is all bastard, all of the bastard.”
Daenerys, “How many are there?”
Barristan, “2,000.”
Daenerys, “Enough to fuck up my plans to sack the city?”
Barristan, “Probably.”
Daenerys gets her thinking face on, “It’s hard to collect wages from a corpse. I’m sure sellswords like to fight for the winning side.”
Jorah, “Right as ever you are.”
Daenerys, “I’d like to talk to the Titan’s bastard about who’s going to be the winning side.”
Barristan, “Like I don’t get it cause I think you’re awesome, but he doesn’t know that, he might not want to meet with you.”
Daenerys eyes get scary again and she gets serious, “Oh no, he will, you aren’t always aware of sexism because of your privilege, but I get how it works, a man that fights for gold can’t afford to lose to a girl.”

 

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Recap: Season 2 Episode 9
Previously: Duffel bags full of daggers, Jaime and Brienne roadtripping, Ros getting the short end of the stick yet again, Failed attempt at assassinating Tywin Lannister, Successful attempt at assassinating a bunch of guards, Qhorin losing his hat, The complete rewriting of the Arya, Robb and Catelyn characters, Meeting the Lord of Bones, Jon becoming a secret double agent, Everyone being called a cunt, Me:
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Etc.


This is it guys!
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Right upfront: This. This is television so good it surpasses television. Let’s stop fucking around and just submit this shit to the Oscars. (They have what? 15 best picture nominees now? One could be a television episode. Who’s gonna argue? It’s a little late for them to squabble about the rules.) Peter Dinklage should be nominated for and win an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor (which he can only lose to Matthew McConaughey for Magic Mike.)

Boats!
Davos is standing on a deck looking out at the fuck ton of boats that Stannis has at his disposal.  All the sailors on the ships are mentally preparing themselves for battle, looking how I look before a big test. One guy gets up and vomits. Which, dude! That’d be me! (Also is that a barrel filled with just vomit?? Why would you have that?) 
Stannis is preternaturally calm:
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Matthos, “The wind is against us.”
Davos, “It will blow us to King’s Landing.”
Matthos, “You excited to go home?”
Davos, “I haven’t thought of King’s Landing as home in 20 years. It’s more a place I lived that one time. What’s weird is I’m still not used to wearing my captain’s hat vs. my pirate’s hat. I spent most of my life dodging the royal fleet.”
Matthos, “Uhh correction: This is the royal fleet and you are the high captain.”
Davos, “Well, I am one of many captains of many royal fleets.”
Matthos, “Not for long. After tonight, Stannis is going to be king and you’ll be his hand.”
Davos, “Gods willing.”
Matthos, “There is only the creepy red god!”
Davos, “Yeah, I know all about your weirdo god.”
Matthos, “But everybody in King’s Landing and the audience wants us to kill Joffrey.”
Davos, “Right but to do that we first have to win this battle. One step at a time.”
Matthos, “But our army outnumbers them 5-1!!!”
Davos, “But war is chaos and who knows what tricks Tyrion has up his sleeve. Add to that the fact that the walls of King’s Landing have never been breached and they won’t see us as liberators so much as people coming to set their shit on fire and this is going to get pretty complicated.”
Matthos, “I trust you and I love you.”
Davos, “That is super sweet.”
And Salladhor Saan prepares all his boats:
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