"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "
What you will need for this episode:
1. Glass filled with ice.
2. Bottle of whiskey.
3. Friend you can slap/punch repeatedly.
Previously: In 1991 George R.R. Martin had an idea for a series of fantasy novels. He started mapping out the story and told the devil his plans:
People began reading his books and assumed that the Starks were the heroes of the story and that they would eventually triumph. People were wrong.
Are we ready?
Let’s do this.
We open with ominous music and a map of Casterly Rock with fun handmade Lannister/Stark chess pieces on it. It’s a literal illustration of how fucked Robb is.
Catelyn, “Are you sure about this?”
Robb, “Not even a little. But we need to hurt Tywin somehow, if we take Casterly Rock we will embarrass him in front of everyone and the one thing Tywin can never be is embarrassed. Plus he probably has a lot of gold stashed there and don’t you kinda wanna go through his stuff? I bet he’s got some weird shit. Like he’s a secret bronie or something.”
Catelyn, “Aren’t I usually off screen for your strategy sessions? Don’t you wanna get your foreign born wife in here for a basic geography lesson?”
Robb, “I find myself in need of some motherly advice.”
Catelyn, “From me?”
Robb, “Yes, let’s count the things you were right about. Number 1. Don’t let Theon negotiate with his father. Number 2. Don’t break my engagement. Number 3. Don’t kill Karstark. Basically if I had just followed your advice from the beginning Bran and Rickon would be lolling at Winterfell and I’d be sitting on the Iron Throne right now, brokering a peace treaty with Daenerys. Drogon and Greywind would be such good friends! It would be amazing! Instead here we are waiting outside the Twins about to go kiss Walder Frey’s ass. So tell me, what do you think, is it a good plan?”
Catelyn, “Can you pull it off?”
Robb, “As long as Walder Frey is not a total dick.”
Catelyn, “That’s a big if. Look at your map, if Tywin has his shit together - “
Robb, “Safe assumption.”
Catelyn, “- and reinforcements arrive from King’s Landing before we take the castle, we’ll be caught between Tywin’s army and the sea.”
Robb, “Alright. If we die, we die, but first we’ll live.”
Catelyn, “Fair enough, what have we got to lose?”
Me, “YOUR LIVES!!!”
Catelyn, “Let’s do it. Show them how it feels to lose what they love.”
The Twins!! (No!!! Go away Twins!!!)
The Stark army arrives with Greywind leading the pack.
Greywind!!!! Turn back!
Inside the castle, Walder Frey greets the Starks.
Walder, “My honored guests, I extend to you my hospitality and protection in the light of the seven.”
Robb, “We thank you for your hospitality my lord.”
Everyone eats whatever gross bread Walder Frey had laying around.
Walder, “You have entered my home and eaten my food therefore by the Geneva Conventions and all agreed upon laws of war, I am forbidden from harming you in any manner and you are forbidden from harming me. We have a truce for as long as you are in my house and if either of us breaks it let the wrath of the old gods and the new rain down on our heads.”
Robb, “That sounds like an excellent deal. So I’ve come to…”
Walder, “You’ve come to eat crow.”
Robb, “Yep let’s get this over with.”
Robb, “I am sorry Mr. Walder for any pain…”
Walder, “Nope, don’t apologize to me. Apologize to my daughters.” And then he calls out all his daughters and granddaughters to stand in a semi circle like chattel which is humiliating for everyone involved. (And ladies, I feel for you, I do, but we have gotta fix your dos, a center part doesn’t work on anyone!) Then Walder goes down and lists all their names in the weirdest most insane roll call of all time, and their names are fucking nuts, each one crazier than the last. He has ginger twins named Sara and Sarah, which, come the fuck on dude, as if these poor girls haven’t suffered enough. I’m pretty sure one of them is named Freya, so her name is “Freya Frey.” He gets to the last one and can’t even remember her name and starts guessing.
Walder, “I don’t know, Waldina or some shit?” (Waldina? Really Walder you’re not even trying.)
Merry, “My name is Merry.”
Walder, “And this is my youngest, though she hasn’t bled yet and apparently you don’t have the patience for all that.”
Robb, “Holy shit are you disgusting. Moving on, my ladies, all men should keep their word, kings most of all, I was pledged to marry one of you and I broke that vow.”
Robb, “The fault is not with you, any man would be lucky to marry one of you.”
Robb, “I didn’t do it because you weren’t great, because all you ladies are.”
Robb, “You all deserve love and happiness like the kind I found. I know I can’t say anything that will make this right, but I hope that within time we can be friends.”
Frey Girls, “It’s like fine.”
And Walder Frey fucking gives him a slow clap for his performance.
Walder, “Well done, well done. Now you know what I need?”
Everyone, “A vasectomy?”
Walder, “No, I need to be introduced to my new queen.”
Then Walder calls Talisa forward, and I’m assuming Robb had a convo with her warning her of how unpleasant this was going to be, but nothing could have prepared her for Walder Frey publicly and loudly inspecting her body. It’s not worth repeating but suffice to say, it’s disgusting.
Walder, “I’d thought you’d at least try to hide your pregnant belly by standing behind a plant or something.”
Talisa, “Yeah that would have been smart.”
Walder, “No, being smart would be not bringing Talisa in the first place.”
Catelyn, “I know!”
Walder, “You are super hot. Your king says he betrayed me for love, I say he betrayed me for firm tits.”
Everyone, “What is wrong with you?”
Robb’s finally had enough and goes forward to stab Walder and ruin this whole truce and Catelyn puts out her hand and pinches his arm until he steps back.
Walder, “Don’t get me wrong, I respect it. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. When I was your age I would have broke fifty oaths to get into that without a second thought.”
Talisa, “”That?” Really? Come on.”
Walder, “I don’t have enough room for your men, we’ll set up tents outside.”
Robb, with so much venom, “Thank you my lord.”
Walder, claps his hands together, “Well let’s get ready for the wedding, the wine will flow RED and the music will play loud and we’ll all have a grand old time.”
Today we are all Lisa Simpson.
I’ll have more in the recap but I just wanted to check in with everyone and pour some out for one of the best fictional characters in one of the best fictional series. After going through the seven stages of grief and finally coming to acceptance, I will say that shit like this is what I love most about GRRM as a writer. The pure guts to kill the hero of your story not once, but twice, and trust that you will be able to pick up the pieces after dropping a bomb like that and that the audience will follow you, it takes brass balls. But just because I admire it doesn’t make it hurt any less. So today we gather to honor the fallen:
Recap Season 2, Episode 10
Whew, time went by fast.
Sorry, I went out for a pack of smokes there and never came back. I’ve been busy.
I did things not on the internet.
I fell into a Shameless sinkhole and have been trying to claw my way out.
Anyway, it’s not important. What matters is I’m back and I’ll never leave you again! (Probably.) Thank you all for your awesome patience and notes of encouragement. They mean so much to me!
Right, so where were we? Well, it’s been at least five fucking years since the episode aired, and we’ve all pretty much forgotten what happened. But who cares? We’re here, we’re doing this, and we’re gonna have fun anyway.
So everyone get a seat, grab a beer, and relax.
Let’s do this!
Recap: Episode 3, Season 2
Previously: Reshuffling of the cabinet, Infanticide (again), No Robb, Greyjoy weirdness, Unconsummated sex between siblings, Gendry being the best character in the history of ever, Discussions of how you shit when you die, Sam getting a crush, Theon getting denied, Just generally complicated sexual politics, etc.
Picking up right where we left off, Craster drags Jon into his house waking everyone up in the middle of the night and unceremoniously kicking the Night’s Watch from his incest compound.
Craster, “I am very upset with Jon right now! I thought we had something! There’s no way a feeling that intense was one-sided! I had all these fantasies! He was going to stay here and we were going to raise my daughter/wives together! But it turns out he’s a snooping good for nothing! l feel more betrayed than Rachael Leigh Cooke when she found out Freddie Prinze Jr. was just pretending to date her to win a bet!”
Jon, “Sexily spits blood out of his mouth.” How does being covered in open wounds make you more attractive Kit Harrington? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Stannis Baratheon -> Mitt Romney
Rich, old, boring, white men who are always in a bad mood. Both have weird religious beliefs that make everyone uncomfortable. Even people who know that they should vote for them don’t want to. Possibly a robot.
Robb Stark -> Barack Obama
Like Robb wouldn’t run a positive, hope-filled campaign with the catchphrase, “Yes We Can.” A video of him singing Al Green would totally find it’s way online and have every person in the Seven Kingdoms’ swooning.
Renly Baratheon -> Joe Biden
Dude just wants to take the Amtrak train from Delaware to D.C. everyday, drink some buds, and have a good time. He might misspeak sometimes but you can’t hate him if you wanted to. Both dance around to Beyonce when alone in their bedrooms.
Viserys Targaryen -> Rick Perry
Has no problem killing 234 people, is less than the shadow of a snake. This.
Robert Baratheon ->John McCain
Was a totally hot, super fighter back in the day and had it going on there for a while but let old age, a shitty small council and the pressures of power push him off the rails.
Daenerys Targaryen -> Hillary Clinton
Blond ladies that were dicked over by the men in their lives. Both have to spend a lot of their time explaining to the media why “powerful woman” and “bitch” are not synonyms.
Mance Rayder -> Ron Paul
Former member of the military who is now the fringe leader of a ragtag group of independent thinkers. Has 0% chance in succeeding.
Balon Greyjoy -> Newt Gingrich
Old, white, angry, egomaniacs who overestimate their abilities and are shitty to their loved ones. Both hate jewelry and Newt’s the kind of guy who’s favorite animal would be a squid.
Joffrey Baratheon -> Rick Santorum
Scary, megalomaniacs who spend all their time screaming at everyone from the hole of anger in their chests where their heart should be. A real life incarnation of a Hunter S. Thompson, LSD-induced nightmare. Yup.
Tommen Baratheon -> Hermain Cain
Likes pizza, doesn’t know where Libya is.
Recap Episode 3, Season 1 (Spoiler alert: This episode is awesome. Also, there are spoilers.)
Previously: Twig Dolls, Hangovers, Fires, Cruelty to Animals, Face Knifing, Slapping, Slim Jims, Outdoor Pissing, Teaching of New Sexual Positions, etc.
The Starks arrive in the capitol and are like, “It’s loud, there are too many people, everyone’s so rude, how many Starbucks does one city need, there are so many homeless people, it’s too expensive.” A nerdy squire comes running up to Ned all, “OMG, there’s a council meeting happening and you’re already late. Is that what you’re wearing? You sure you don’t wanna put on a blazer?”
Ned, “These are my fancy clothes.”
Squire, “Going for the whole rugged, been riding for a month thing, well sure it works on you. Let’s go.” (Also I’m not telling HBO how to live their life, but it does seem kinda possible that these are the only clothes Ned Stark owns.)
They open the door to the main hall and Jaime is by himself reclining across the steps leading up to the Iron Throne. I’m going to do him the courtesy of assuming he was taking some self pics for his facebook profile because otherwise, what the hell you doing Jaime?
Ned starts having flashbacks. (During Robert’s Rebellion Jaime was in the Mad King’s secret service; when the rebellion was close to succeeding, Jaime had a “fuck this job” moment and murdered the king. After this happened Ned got to King’s Landing before Robert did and when he walked into the Red Keep, Jaime was chilling on the Iron Throne drinking a beer all:
And that pissed Ned off because the throne belonged to his boyfriend Robert. Even though Jaime totally gave it up to Robert, Ned didn’t like the implication.)
Jaime sarcastically, “Thank god you’re here Stark, we’re in need of your intense brand of northerness.” (I know Jaime’s fucking around but the Red Keep could really use some northern flavor.)
Ned, “Protecting the throne I see.” (Ned’s that annoying person in your office who bitches about you being on gchat when you should be working.)
Jaime, “That thing? Yeah, lots of people sit on it. Speaking of butts and specifically buttholes remember when Robert asked you to come to King’s Landing to wash his butt for him and you said yes?”
Ned, “Ugh, banter is so not my forte. I’m not great with sarcasm, we don’t have a lot of Jews in the north. Your face is very handsome what with no bruises…or something….”
Jaime, “Yeah people keep trying to land one on me but they haven’t cause I’m that good.’
Ned, “Or you just choose opponents…opponents….with short arms! Ha! Pussy.”
Jaime Lannister will tolerate a variety of shenanigans but he will not tolerate being called a pussy.
Jaime, “This must be so weird for you, I was totally standing right here when the Mad King murdered your uncle and dad with fire.” (The Mad King is Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator/I’m Still Here:
Jaime, “I’m going to tell you some more unnecessary details about your father’s gruesome death.”
Ned, “Remember how you did nothing to help him?”
Jamie, “In my defense, five hundred men did nothing to help him, because aside from the wonderful, happy place inside your head where everyone feels a deep-seated need to do what’s right, people are by and large pretty shitty.” (He’s also making an argument for democracy and the power of freedom of thought but I don’t think that’s his point.) “Annyyhooo, later when I killed the king I thought of your dad and I felt like I was doing a good thing.” (Like Cersei and her story about Robert’s dead baby, he’s telling the truth here, he’s just doing it for fucked up reasons. I think the Lannisters need friends who aren’t each other.) “Isn’t it weird how I totally avenged your father instead of you?”
Ned, “Oh fuck you pretty boy. You didn’t do it for my dad, you still totally blow for literally stabbing the king in the back.”
Jamie, “If I stabbed him in the belly would you admire me more?”
Ned, “1. I don’t admire you. 2. I’m over this. Stark out!” And starks off.
Recap: Season 1, Episode 1 (mild spoilers) HBO Series based on the fantasy novels, “A Song of Ice and Fire,” by George R.R. Martin (Think: Camelot + Lord of the Rings + Braveheart + Rape + Princess Bride + Night of the Living Dead + Dallas + Gladiator + How I Met Your Mother + Dragons)
Background: The kingdom in which all the main characters live, Westoros, is guarded at it’s northern end by a giant wall made of ice. The kingdom sends its prisoners (rapists/thieves/murders/highly born bastards) to man the wall to protect it from the “wildlings” who are the free people who live beyond the wall and don’t have kings and queens. It’d be like if Canada took the whole being ruled by Queen Elizabeth thing super seriously and put all its shoplifters and hockey game rioters on a giant fence between the Canada/American border, called it the “Night Watch,” and insisted that everyone be celibate in order to protect its citizens from guns, democracy, fatty foods, and limited access to health care.
So giant! So white! So cold! Three skeezy looking dudes, rangers of the Night Watch, ride their horses north of the wall trying to track some free people who wandered too close to the border. The blond one finds the wildlings’ bbq but instead of a bbq, everybody is dead and hacked up into body parts and arranged in a devil style pentagram thing.
He goes back to his pals and is like, “So they’re all dead….that’s kinda weird right?” The leader gets racist with it and is like, “They’re wildlings, of course they killed each other, have you seen their parades?” The other two are like, “Yeah, so… we can go home now, right?” The leader (who my mom says looks like Matt Damon) says, “We can go investigate this grisly murder scene you found or you can run away like little girls and when they catch you, they’ll kill you for being deserters of the Night Watch.”
The leader then uses the preferred method of motivation in the Seven Kingdoms by calling them both a pussies a bunch of times. They’re like, “Fine, but you’re buying us Breakfast Scrambles after.” They get to the site of the bbq and there’s nothing there, no wildlings, no hacked up dead people, no bbq. Then one finds some shit on the ground. Behind the leader one of the dead people pops up, now a zombie with creepy blue eyes. His friend is like, “Whatever you do, don’t look…” The leader of course looks behind him and gets an axe in the face. The blond has wisely chosen to run away from this bbq of terror when he’s caught by a child zombie. He then sees his pal get caught by a zombie. The zombie cuts his friend’s head off and throws it at him, which is just super impolite for starters. He looks at the head at his feet then at the zombie: