A Song of Ice and Lolz

"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "


Contact: asongoficeandlolz@gmail.com

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Posts tagged "Tyrion Lannister"

King’s Landing! The Sept!
Margaery walks down the aisle in her amazing gown with her insane perm and she looks fantastic. Her dress is covered in thorns which is thematically appropriate for Highgarden, but also a great defensive garment when you’re marrying a sociopath. (The Tyrells really think of everything.) Joffrey also looks stunning, can’t hate.
Joffrey:
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The priest wraps their hands together, tying them in a literal knot.
Priest, “House Tyrell, House Lannister and House Baratheon are one heart, cursed be he who would tear them asunder.”
Everyone in the audience, “Awkward coughing.”
Joffrey, “With this kiss, I pledge my love.”
And then they make out in a way that makes everyone uncomfortable.
Everyone, “I always thought he was kinda sexless?”
Sansa, “Looks like we have a new queen now.”
Tyrion, “1. Don’t let Cersei hear you say that. 2. Better her than you.”
Joffrey, “Okay, Margaery and I are going to go do some photos, but we’d love for you to join us all for cocktail hour followed by the reception. So if you could all go outside, there are shuttles waiting to take you to the next location, and everyone please remember the hashtag for the weekend is #purplewedding, so tag the pictures you post appropriately, I don’t want to miss anything!”

Cliffs!
Tywin seeks Olenna out! (Which I love! You got a crush papa Lannister! (If all the Lannisters are marrying Tyrells, why can’t you two get married!))
Tywin, “Bit much wouldn’t you say?”
Olenna, “Ugh you are such a dad right now.” 
Tywin, “The word extravagant has been used.”
Olenna, “What good is the word extravagant if it can’t be used to describe a royal wedding?”
Tywin, “People who spend money on weddings tend to not have money for long.”
Olenna, “You have your ways of winning the war, I have mine.”

"The people are hungry for more than just food. They crave distractions. And if we don’t provide them, they’ll create their own. And their distractions are likely to end with us being torn to pieces. A royal wedding is much safer."

Olenna, “You ought to try enjoying something before you die, you might find that it suits you.”
Tywin, “Are you hitting on me?”
Everyone, “I hope so!”
Mace, “Mother!”
Olenna, “Go away Mace! I’m flirting with Tywin!”
Mace, “Alright.”
Olenna, “Sorry about that he is the worst.”
Tywin, “I hate my children too!”
Olenna, “We are well suited. Anyway don’t know what you’re bitching about, I paid for most of this.”
Tywin, “I kinda love that you have more money than me.”
Olenna, “Right? And I’m going to be coughing up more soon I’m sure. Wars are long and expensive and everyone knows the crown is in mega debt to the Iron Bank since Littlefinger fucked off and stopped being the magic Master of Coin. The Iron Bank does not fuck around, they’ll be here soon breaking knee caps if they don’t get their due, they love to remind everyone like you Lannisters and your debts.”
Tywin, “I’m not worried.”
Olenna, “No you’re too smart for all that. Come Tywin, let’s celebrate young love.”
Tywin, “I would rather be shot in the face.”
Olenna, “Me too, but we have to.”

"Every once in a very long while, Lord Tywin Lannister would actually threaten to smile; he never did, but the threat alone was terrible to behold."

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Recap: Episode 2, Season 4 
(So Tumblr is being super crashy with this post (I just have too many gifs/thoughts on Game of Thrones for this website to handle) so I’m splitting this recap into two (which kinda works since the last 20 minutes were basically their own mini episode anyway.) This is part one, part two posted after, (you’re smart, you’ll get it.))

Previously: Tywin disowned Jaime, Cersei broke up with Jaime, Joffrey made fun of Jaime, Brienne scolded Jaime, Podrick got a haircut, We met the Red Viper, Something gay happened, They recast Daario, Dontos gave Sansa a necklace, Ice was ruined, Needle was found, and Arya knocked some people off her “to kill” list

Dreadfort!
And……………………………………………………………I can’t with this scene. I tried, but I can’t. Reading about how Ramsay likes to rape young girls and then set them free so he can hunt them down and then rape/murder/flay them is one thing, having to actually watch it is another. We already saw Ramsay hunt the most dangerous game when he did this to Theon, so I’m not sure what this scene is telling us that we don’t already know? That he trained his dogs to acquire an appetite for human flesh? We probably could have put that together using context clues. I guess it introduces his non-book-canonical “cool girl" supportive girlfriend who shares his hobbies; which-it’s nice that he found someone-but the only way I can see that relationship ending is him chasing her down to rape/murder/flay her, and, again, that doesn’t feel wholly necessary. I guess the important part is Theon’s broken face at the end, but again, we already know Theon moved into a k-hole and decorated it with posters and furniture to make it feel like home, we don’t necessarily need that underlined. Sometimes, and I know this might sound crazy, when it comes to sexual violence and people being eaten alive by dogs, less is more.

King’s Landing!
Tyrion and Jaime are having a super adorable brothers’ lunch together! (When was the last time you two hung out? Was it the second episode? Where you had a hangover breakfast and talked about how much Jaime would hate being a cripple and how Tyrion was going to the Wall? That was so long ago guys! So much has happened!! Did you know there are dragons now?)
Podrick is serving Tyrion and Jaime sausage, (why do they always show sausage after scenes with Ramsay?! (I’m kidding, I know.))
Tyrion, “I don’t know what you’re bitching about. I like your new hand. It goes great with your haircut. I think it’s even better than your old one. Pod, tell Jaime how handsome he looks with his new hand.” (Tyrion is the best little brother ever.) 
Podrick, “Very handsome, sir.”
Jaime, “Thank you, Pod.”
Podrick, “Is it solid gold?”
Tyrion, “The point is to make people think it is, it’s actually just gilded steel.”
Podrick, “You can’t tell the difference.”
Tyrion,”See! Hey, why are you not eating? Why is no one eating? First Sansa, now you. The war’s over! It’s peacetime, we should be happy. Why is everyone around me debilitatingly depressed?”
Tyrion:

"Winter is coming, warned the Stark words, and truly it had come to them with a vengeance. But it is high summer for House Lannister. So why am I so bloody cold?” 

Jaime, “I’m on a diet.”
Tyrion, “Well that’s silly, you just lost half your hand weight.”
Jaime:
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Tyrion, “Kidding! Jesus, no one can take a joke around here anymore. C’mon, try the boar, Cersei can’t get enough of it since one killed Robert for her… Nothing? Really? This is some of my best material. Here, how bout we drink instead? I propose a toast! To us being reunited! All the Lannister children, the cripple, the dwarf and the mother of madness. We are crushing it.”
And then Jaime legit:
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Pod, “On it!”
Jaime, “No, you’re only make me feel more like an invalid, I’ll do it. Please, leave me alone with my shame.”
Podrick, “As you wish.”
Tyrion, “It’s only wine! Wine, wine wine. What’s the worst wine can do? Here let me spill this wine all over the table and then refill your glass. Me and wine, totally normal.”
Jaime, finally admitting to someone in a whisper even though they’re all alone,  “I can’t fight anymore.”
Tyrion, not reacting negatively, “What about your other hand?”
Jaime, “It’s a piece of shit, I’m not ambidextrous. How can I protect the king if I can’t wipe my own ass?”
Tyrion, “You’re forty! Have you thought about retiring?”
Jaime, “Oh lord, not you too.”
Tyrion, “I’m not saying retire from King’s Landing, I mean retire from fighting. You can serve on the board of the King’s Guard. Let everyone else fight for the king, Look at dad, he hasn’t been in active combats in years and he just won a war.”
Jaime, “Dad’s always been a Machiavellian politician, that was a natural progression. I’m a rock star fighter. I was the best knight in the Seven Kingdoms when I was 16, that’s all I’ve been my entire life. When people find out, I’ll be fucked.”
Tyrion, “Enough pity party. Just practice, become the left-handed Kingslayer.”
Jaime, “With whom? You? Not with cellphones these days, as soon as someone discovers I can’t fight it will be all over Twitter.”
Tyrion, “Don’t even worry about it bro. I got you.”
Jaime, “Man I missed having you around.”
Tyrion, “Ditto.”
(So in the books Jaime trains with Ilyn Payne because he doesn’t have a tongue because he is brilliant. But the actor who plays Ilyn Payne had to leave the show for very sad reasons and I think they made a brilliant, brilliant choice to replace him.)

Bronn! Bronn! Bronn!
Jaime, “Since you’re married to my brother I’m inclined to trust you.”
Bronn, “Since you shit gold like your father, I’m inclined to do what you ask.”
Jaime tosses him gold.
Jaime, “You sure no one will see us here? It seems a little…open.”
Bronn, “This is my cliff-side sex alcove where I bone married ladies.”
Jaime, “Ew, can we go somewhere else?”
Bronn, “If they don’t hear my sex, they won’t hear us.”
Jaime, “Okay enough about your love life, can we fight?”
Jaime picks up his sword.
Bronn, “Uh-uh, we’re all very impressed with the present your daddy got you, but I’m already covered in scars, I’m not looking to add more. We are starting with the basics.”
Jaime, “I haven’t used a sparring sword since I was nine.”
Bronn, “Yes, we all know how hot you used to be.”
Jaime goes to pick up the sword and Bronn starts hacking at him. 
Jaime, “You don’t fight with honor.”
Bronn, “Nope. Never have, never will.”
Jaime, “Attacking me before I’m ready…. “
Bronn, “You are troubled. Good, trouble is the perfect time to train. When you’re dancing in the meadow with your dolls and kittens, this not when fighting happens. How can you be quick as a snake, quiet as a shadow, when you’re somewhere else?”
Jaime, “Stop teasing me, I still have my right hand.”
Bronn, “What are you gonna do, knock some wine over at me?”
Jaime, “I see why you and Tyrion work so well together.”
And then there’s a lovely moment where Bronn gets the better of Jaime and Jaime takes a moment to swallow all his anger and pity and then stands back up and says, “Come on then.” Jaime Lannister character development ya’ll. It gives me life.

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Recap: Episode 1, Season 4

We’re back?
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That was fast!

Last season: Robb died, Catelyn died, Talisa died, Talisa’s unborn baby died, Greywind died, Ros died, Orell died, Lord Mormont died, Craster died, Catelyn’s dad died, Theon lost his penis, some teeth and his mind, Jaime finally made it back to King’s Landing, Sam and Jon finally made it back to the Wall, Bran went beyond the Wall, Mance is ready to attack the Wall, Stannis is going to defend the Wall, Yara is going to find Theon, Sansa married Tyrion, Joffrey is marrying Margaery, Cersei is marrying Loras, Arya started hanging out with the Hound, Littlefinger was headed to the Vale, Daenerys was headed to Meeren, and Rickon set out on a perilous and mysterious adventure for the great unknown armed with nothing but his wits, a violent temper and a feral direwolf.


Special Armory!
In a fancy wolf pelt scabbard is Ned’s sword, Ice.
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Tywin unsheathes it and gives it to a special armorer, (NOT Gendry) who melts it down. Tywin puts on his iPod and cranks up “Rains of Castamere” and rocks out while watching them rework the steel into two swords. 
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Tywin then takes the wolf pelt scabbard and throws it into a fire just to really rub it in that the Starks are gone, because why not give us all PTSD Red Wedding flashbacks .02 seconds into the premiere? One thing Tywin, will you let us have one thing?
Tywin:
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Theme Song!
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We’re back! (How I missed you!)
We get to see the Dreadfort (home to House Bolton) in the credits.
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And pretty Meereen.
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Hand of the King’s Room!
Jaime’s back with an awesome hair cut.
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Tywin is giving him one of the swords he made in the cold open.
Jaime, “Sweet sword dad! Who knew you were cool?”
Tywin, “Arya.”
Jaime, “What?”
Tywin, “Nothing.”
Jaime, “But seriously, how’d you get this? It looks brand new.”
Tywin, “That’s cause she is.”
Jaime, “Bullshit. You just bought a Valyrian steel sword? Where?”
Tywin, “Skymall.”
Jaime, “Really?!”
Tywin, “No, you idiot. I flew out a fancy armorer from Volantis and put him up at a five star hotel in the city cause Tywin Lannister is:
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Jaime, “But where did you get the raw materials? Valyrian steel is extinct.”
Tywin, “Get this, I used Ice.”
Jaime, “You’re giving me Ned Stark’s sword? That is so fucked up.”
Tywin, “I know, right?”
Jaime, “But like, even for you.”
Tywin:
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Jaime, “Is there any horror you won’t subject the Starks to?”
Tywin, “Not really, no.”
Jaime, “Well, our family did always want a Valyrian steel sword.”
Tywin, “Now we have two. Everything is coming up Lannister!”
Jaime, “I gotta admit, having rich parents is awesome.” He genuinely thanks Tywin and Tywin nods and it is the most functional interaction we’ve seen him have with any of his children, let’s hope he doesn’t ruin it in 3, 2, 1…
Jaime clumsily puts the sword down.

His eyes went back to Jaime’s stump, and his mouth grew taut with fury. “We’ll have their heads. Every one. Can you use a sword with your left hand?”

I can hardly dress myself in the morning. Jaime held up the hand in question for his father’s inspection. “Four fingers, a thumb, much like the other, Why shouldn’t it work as well?”

Tywin, “You’ll never be as good.”
Jaime, “Jesus. You ever heard of not kicking a man while he’s down?”
Tywin, “It’s my joie de vivre.”
Jaime, “Whatever. Don’t worry about it. Tis but a scratch.”
Tywin:
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Jaime:
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(We can talk when I’m less emotional about it, about how devastated Jaime is about losing his hand but how he makes a joke and down plays it any time someone brings it up.)
Tywin, “You know you can’t keep your job with one hand.”
Jaime, “Where is that in my contract? Kingsguard is ride or die.”
Tywin, “Look, the war is over and this is awkward, but no one really needs you anymore. Joffrey’s totally safe.”
Jaime, “Is he? Cause I personally know about a hundred people who would kill him right now if they could, and not even because he’s king, just for the joy of it.”
Tywin, “Look you’ve been gone a long time, he was kept alive the whole time you were gone. You can go home and no one will even notice.”
Jaime, “Say what now?”
Tywin, “Casterly Rock, you can go and rule.”
Tywin:
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Jaime, “But that’s your house.”
Tywin, “I am the King’s Hand, and unlike the other ones, I’m not an idiot. I know how this position works and no way am I making it back to Casterly Rock. Plus I’m old as shit, it’s time for you to fulfill the destiny I have painstakingly planned for you.” 
Jaime, “My life is 95% getting shit for violating the number one rule of being in the Kingsguard; don’t kill the king. I’m not going to violate the second rule; don’t leave until you’re dead.”
Tywin, “Joffrey kicked Barristan to the curb even though he wasn’t dead, and that worked out perfectly. He’s not secretly aiding a usurper across the narrow sea or anything. So there’s total precedent for him to fire you.”
Jaime, “No.”
Tywin, “No?”
Jaime, “No.”
Tywin, “Okay, I really wasn’t asking.”
Jaime, “Doesn’t matter.”
Tywin, “You’re going to put your fucking honor before - “
Jaime, “Nobody gives a fuck about my honor, least of all me,” he lies, “but my answer is still ‘no.’ I don’t want your stupid castle.”
Tywin, “Doesn’t anyone want Casterly Rock?”
Tyrion, “I’LL TAKE IT!”
Tywin, “Anyone?”
Tyrion, “ME!”
Tywin, “God, I can’t give this thing away.”
Jaime, “Look marriage isn’t really my bag.”
Tywin:
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Jaime:
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Tywin, “You’ll get your inheritance and you’ll live in our giant mansion and you will keep the Lannister name going by reminding people of how sick we are and making them eat it.”
Tywin:
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Jaime, “Not really feeling it.”
Tywin, “Are you insane? You just spent two entire seasons covered in shit walking half the continent on foot. Don’t you want a change of pace? Get a steady job with benefits, knock off everyday at 5 PM? Go home watch some Netflix and relax? You won’t have to deal with Joffrey’s shit everyday, or mine. I am asking you to do the literal easiest thing you could do. There are two options in King’s Landing, 1. Get murdered and 2. Get tortured gruesomely and then get murdered. I’m giving you an out.”
Tywin:
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Jaime, “I don’t want a wife, I don’t want children, and I don’t want to be no lord of no Casterly Rock.”
Tywin, “Well then the fuck do you want?”
Jaime, “To fuck my sister and for everyone to get off my nuts.”
Tywin, “How are all three of my children such massive disappointments?”
Jaime, “Well you are a pretty awful parent.”
Tywin, “For forty years…”
Jaime, “Wait, am I forty??”
Tywin, “Yes.”
Jaime, “Alright.”
Tywin, “Anyway, for forty long years I’ve tried to teach you, but it’s too fucking late now. If you want to crush all my hopes and dreams by becoming a nun, I can’t stop you.”
Jaime, “I assume this means I can’t keep the sword.”
Tywin, “Consider it a parting gift. We’re done. Every time you use it I want you to think about me and all the ways you disappointed me.”
Jaime:
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“You are my son -”
“I am a knight of the Kingsguard. The Lord Commander of the Kingsguard! And that’s all I mean to be!”
Firelight gleamed golden in the stiff whiskers that framed Lord Tywin’s face. A vein pulsed in his neck, but he did not speak. And did not speak. And did not speak.
The strained silence went on until it was more than Jaime could endure. “Father…” he began.
“You are not my son.” Lord Tywin turned his face away. “You say you are the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, and only that. Very well, ser. Go do your duty.”

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Recap, Season 3, Episode 8

(Sorry this is so late guys! My little sister was in town and stayed with me this past week and really cramped my recapping game. But I think the Starks would agree with me that family comes first. Also the Lannisters. You know what, let’s move on.)

Previously: Robb got naked, Theon got castrated, Talisa got knocked up, Gendry found out the results of his paternity test, Ygritte learned some important lessons about eco friendly technology, and Jaime jumped into a bear pit and all of our hearts to save Brienne.

Off the bat this episode:
No Robb.
No Jon.
No Jaime.
No Theon.
Boys! I miss you! (Except you Theon. You should stay away for a while.)

Woods!
Arya wakes up staring at a rock. She’s weighing the pros and cons of bashing Sandor in the head with it. Because she’s Arya Stark head-bashing wins and she creeps over to where the Hound is sleeping, but she’s not as quiet as Syrio taught her to be and the Hound hears her coming from a mile away. (You know what would fix this problem Sandor? A blanket burrito! (In the books the Hound deals with the fierceness of Arya Stark by wrapping her up in a blanket bundle that she can’t get out of. It’s surprisingly adorable.))
Hound, “I’ll give you one shot, kill me and you’re free, fail and I’ll break both your hands.”
Arya agrees with the audience that there’s been too much hand violence on the show recently and gives up.
Later they’re riding and Arya sits sidesaddle in the front. (For two ruthless killers they sure are cute.)
The Hound offers her food and she rejects it.
Hound:
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Hound, “You’re in a bad mood.”
Arya:
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Hound, “You’re actually super lucky I found you and not someone worse.”
Arya, “Nope. Pretty sure you’re the absolute worst.”
Hound, “Pretty sure that’s my brother. He’s so intense he once killed a man for snoring.” (Okay is that really the best example Sandor? I’ve almost killed someone for snoring. A car alarm went off outside my apartment for an hour the other night at 2 AM and if murder would have stopped it, I would have considered it.) 
Hound, “At least I’m not physically abusive or a rapist.”
Arya, “Okay the men of Westoros need to set a higher bar for themselves. You don’t get a prize for not raping a child. It’s just what you should do.”
Hound, “I know that, I actually save people from being raped. People like, I don’t know, your sister. Why don’t you ask her the next time you see her who saved her when she was being attacked at Flea Bottom?” 
(Sandor!!! You’re gossiping with Arya about Sansa!)
Hound, “No but seriously, does she think I’m  a hero? Also what does she think about my hair? Cause I’ve been thinking of doing it a different way.” (Hound, we have got to get you an age appropriate love interest.)
Arya, “Is that the Blackwater?”
Hound, “Do you have any idea where we are?”
Arya, “Not really no. But you’re the King’s dog? You kill little boys when he tells you to, aren’t you bringing me back to him?”
Hound, “That was before my mental breakdown. I said it once, I’ll say it again, Fuck Joffrey, Fuck the Queen. I’m not going back there. Not now, not ever. That’s the Red Fork, I’m taking you to the Twins.”
Arya, “Why?”
Hound, “Because your mom and brother are there and I’m going to do what the audience has wanted for three seasons and reunite some Starks…for a small fee of course.”
Me:
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Arya even smiles a little bit! Wolf girl!!
Arya, “Wait, why is my family hanging out with the Freys? God things are worse than I thought.”
Hound, “The Brotherhood didn’t tell you? Dicks. It’s on the front page of every tabloid, your Uncle is marrying one of the Frey girls. So if you quit trying to kill me, we might make it there in time for the rehearsal dinner.”
Arya, “It really is lucky that I was caught by you wasn’t it?”
Hound, “That’s what I was trying to tell you.”
Arya, “Sorry I tried to bash your head in with a rock.”
Hound , “I get the impulse.”
Arya, “You wanna talk more about Sansa?”
Hound, “Do I ever!”
Arya, “Well does she know you have a crush on her?”
Hound:
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Yunkai!!
Daenerys is adorably hiding behind a wall with her awesome headscarf.
Barristan, “I don’t trust mercenaries. People need to be bound by their word and honor.”
Jorah, “I know that was a dig at me old man! Hurtful. And these guys will kill you if they get a big enough check.”
Daenerys, “So you know them?”
Jorah, “I recognize their team logo, they’re called the Second Sons. They’re a company led by a Bravosi named Mero, the Titan’s bastard. They are not pleasant.”
Daenerys, “Is he more titan or bastard?”
Jorah, “He is all bastard, all of the bastard.”
Daenerys, “How many are there?”
Barristan, “2,000.”
Daenerys, “Enough to fuck up my plans to sack the city?”
Barristan, “Probably.”
Daenerys gets her thinking face on, “It’s hard to collect wages from a corpse. I’m sure sellswords like to fight for the winning side.”
Jorah, “Right as ever you are.”
Daenerys, “I’d like to talk to the Titan’s bastard about who’s going to be the winning side.”
Barristan, “Like I don’t get it cause I think you’re awesome, but he doesn’t know that, he might not want to meet with you.”
Daenerys eyes get scary again and she gets serious, “Oh no, he will, you aren’t always aware of sexism because of your privilege, but I get how it works, a man that fights for gold can’t afford to lose to a girl.”

 

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Recap: Episode 3, Season 2

Previously: Reshuffling of the cabinet, Infanticide (again), No Robb, Greyjoy weirdness, Unconsummated sex between siblings, Gendry being the best character in the history of ever, Discussions of how you shit when you die, Sam getting a crush, Theon getting denied, Just generally complicated sexual politics, etc.

Crasters!
Picking up right where we left off, Craster drags Jon into his house waking everyone up in the middle of the night and unceremoniously kicking the Night’s Watch from his incest compound.
Craster, “I am very upset with Jon right now! I thought we had something! There’s no way a feeling that intense was one-sided! I had all these fantasies! He was going to stay here and we were going to raise my daughter/wives together! But it turns out he’s a snooping good for nothing! l feel more betrayed than Rachael Leigh Cooke when she found out Freddie Prinze Jr. was just pretending to date her to win a bet!”
Jon, “Sexily spits blood out of his mouth.” How does being covered in open wounds make you more attractive Kit Harrington? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?image

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Recap Episode 4, Season 1

Previously: Sword Fighting, Lassos, Shitty Disguises, Lancel, Chatty Crows, Grey Gardening, Drogo’s Super Sperm, etc.

Winterfell!
Bran is walking around with his bow and arrow and you’re like, “Wow, what a speedy resolution to that plot line!” But then you realize no one’s around and he’s chasing a rather slow crow and you’re like, “It’s possible this could be a dream and if so have more interesting dreams Bran. You’re paralyzed in a world that hasn’t invented the internet, this is the most exciting thing that’s going to happen to you all day, go nuts!” But no, he’s just chasing this gross crow and then it turns around and it has 3 eyes and you’re like, “That’s slightly more interesting but still if we’re going to be watching your dreams at least give them some narrative flavor.” He wakes up in his room and Old Nan is there knitting.
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Old Nan asks about his dreaming. Don’t even try Nan, it’s not worth it. Then Theon bursts into the room. I was kidding earlier Bran, your paralyzation is terrible!
Summer is instantly pissed at the sight of Theon. (Rip out his throat!) Theon, “There are visitors so you gotta get up. Well, not get up cause you can’t get up, but you gotta get downstairs somehow.”
Bran, “I don’t want nobody carrying me. Not now. Not ever, ya here!”
Theon, “Really? If I was couped up all day with only this old bat for company I’d go mad.” You did NOT just insult Old Nan, Theon. You did NOT JUST.
Bran, “Not interested.”
Theon, “Well you don’t have a choice, Robb’s waiting.” (If that’s not enough of a reason to get out of bed I don’t know what is.)
Bran, “Make me Greyjoy.”
Theon, “Look girl, I feel you. We all have big warm comfy beds we’d rather be laying in right now. But Robb told me to come get you and I have to do what Robb says because he’s prettier than I am, and you have to do what I say which isn’t true at all but I will take whatever meager amounts of power I can find and then abuse them because being raised as a ward in Winterfell has given me an insane Napoleon complex.”
Bran, “I thought the worst thing about being paralyzed was giving up on my all my hopes and dreams and the impact it would have on my dating life, but I was wrong, not being able to walk away from this conversation is the worst thing.”
Then Theon calls in Hodor to carry Bran downstairs.

Hodor
Likes: Naked swimming, Hodor, Carrying small children
Dislikes: Grover Norquist’s strangled hold on tax reform, Hodor
Hodor picks Bran up by the scruff of his neck and jogs downstairs. 

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Recap Episode 3, Season 1 (Spoiler alert: This episode is awesome. Also, there are spoilers.)

Previously: Twig Dolls, Hangovers, Fires, Cruelty to Animals, Face Knifing, Slapping, Slim Jims, Outdoor Pissing, Teaching of New Sexual Positions, etc.

King’s Landing!

The Starks arrive in the capitol and are like, “It’s loud, there are too many people, everyone’s so rude, how many Starbucks does one city need, there are so many homeless people, it’s too expensive.” A nerdy squire comes running up to Ned all, “OMG, there’s a council meeting happening and you’re already late. Is that what you’re wearing? You sure you don’t wanna put on a blazer?”
Ned, “These are my fancy clothes.”
Squire, “Going for the whole rugged, been riding for a month thing, well sure it works on you. Let’s go.” (Also I’m not telling HBO how to live their life, but it does seem kinda possible that these are the only clothes Ned Stark owns.)

Throne Room!
They open the door to the main hall and Jaime is by himself reclining across the steps leading up to the Iron Throne. I’m going to do him the courtesy of assuming he was taking some self pics for his facebook profile because otherwise, what the hell you doing Jaime?
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Ned starts having flashbacks. (During Robert’s Rebellion Jaime was in the Mad King’s secret service; when the rebellion was close to succeeding, Jaime had a “fuck this job” moment and murdered the king. After this happened Ned got to King’s Landing before Robert did and when he walked into the Red Keep, Jaime was chilling on the Iron Throne drinking a beer all: 
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And that pissed Ned off because the throne belonged to his boyfriend Robert. Even though Jaime totally gave it up to Robert, Ned didn’t like the implication.)
Jaime sarcastically, “Thank god you’re here Stark, we’re in need of your intense brand of northerness.” (I know Jaime’s fucking around but the Red Keep could really use some northern flavor.)
Ned, “Protecting the throne I see.” (Ned’s that annoying person in your office who bitches about you being on gchat when you should be working.)
Jaime, “That thing? Yeah, lots of people sit on it. Speaking of butts and specifically buttholes remember when Robert asked you to come to King’s Landing to wash his butt for him and you said yes?”
Ned, “Ugh, banter is so not my forte. I’m not great with sarcasm, we don’t have a lot of Jews in the north. Your face is very handsome what with no bruises…or something….”
Jaime, “Yeah people keep trying to land one on me but they haven’t cause I’m that good.’
Ned, “Or you just choose opponents…opponents….with short arms! Ha! Pussy.”
Jaime Lannister will tolerate a variety of shenanigans but he will not tolerate being called a pussy.
Jaime, “This must be so weird for you, I was totally standing right here when the Mad King murdered your uncle and dad with fire.” (The Mad King is Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator/I’m Still Here:
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Jaime, “I’m going to tell you some more unnecessary details about your father’s gruesome death.”
Ned, “Remember how you did nothing to help him?”
Jamie, “In my defense, five hundred men did nothing to help him, because aside from the wonderful, happy place inside your head where everyone feels a deep-seated need to do what’s right, people are by and large pretty shitty.” (He’s also making an argument for democracy and the power of freedom of thought but I don’t think that’s his point.) “Annyyhooo, later when I killed the king I thought of your dad and I felt like I was doing a good thing.” (Like Cersei and her story about Robert’s dead baby, he’s telling the truth here, he’s just doing it for fucked up reasons. I think the Lannisters need friends who aren’t each other.) “Isn’t it weird how I totally avenged your father instead of you?”
Ned, “Oh fuck you pretty boy. You didn’t do it for my dad, you still totally blow for literally stabbing the king in the back.”
Jamie, “If I stabbed him in the belly would you admire me more?”
Ned, “1. I don’t admire you. 2. I’m over this. Stark out!” And starks off.

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Recap Episode 2, Season One

Previously: Zombies, Wolves, Haircuts, Rape, Dragon Eggs, Twincest, Walls, Defenestration, etc. etc.

Across the Narrow Sea!

Daenerys is taking five when Jorah comes over because Jorah is never anywhere farther than 5 seconds from being up Daenerys’s ass at all times. Jorah is like, “You need to take care of yourself,” and gives her a horse slim jim. Her face says, “If I eat another piece of horse meat I’m going to ralph.” Jorah tells her the Dothraki believe in a ghost grass that will destroy all living crops and take over the world because they are super concerned about global warming. Daenerys, “Is this supposed to be making me feel better or…” Jorah sees Daenerys looking apprehensively at Drogo and tells her it will get easier. She looks at him like, “Gross old man, why would you say that?” and rides away. Jorah, “A swing and a miss.”

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The Dothraki make camp. Jorah stops Viserys and is like, “Uhh dude don’t you wanna go back to the hotel, it doesn’t really seem like camping is your thing.”

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Viserys, “I don’t want a hotel I want an army.” He picks up on Jorah’s condenscion and brings up his slave trading because Viserys is a manipulative dick. He makes Jorah tell him about how he got caught selling slaves by Ned Stark. Viserys, “Sucks to be you dude. Btw you can totally do that when I’m king and there will be a soda machine in the cafeteria, senior parking on Thursday and Friday, it’s going to be totally sweet.” Iain Glen says the word, “douche” under his breath as Viserys walks away.

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Recap: Season 1, Episode 1 (mild spoilers) HBO Series based on the fantasy novels, “A Song of Ice and Fire,” by George R.R. Martin (Think: Camelot + Lord of the Rings + Braveheart + Rape + Princess Bride + Night of the Living Dead + Dallas + Gladiator + How I Met Your Mother + Dragons)

The Wall!

Background: The kingdom in which all the main characters live, Westoros, is guarded at it’s northern end by a giant wall made of ice. The kingdom sends its prisoners (rapists/thieves/murders/highly born bastards) to man the wall to protect it from the “wildlings” who are the free people who live beyond the wall and don’t have kings and queens. It’d be like if Canada took the whole being ruled by Queen Elizabeth thing super seriously and put all its shoplifters and hockey game rioters on a giant fence between the Canada/American border, called it the “Night Watch,” and insisted that everyone be celibate in order to protect its citizens from guns, democracy, fatty foods, and limited access to health care.

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So giant! So white! So cold! Three skeezy looking dudes, rangers of the Night Watch, ride their horses north of the wall trying to track some free people who wandered too close to the border. The blond one finds the wildlings’ bbq but instead of a bbq, everybody is dead and hacked up into body parts and arranged in a devil style pentagram thing.

imageHe goes back to his pals and is like, “So they’re all dead….that’s kinda weird right?” The leader gets racist with it and is like, “They’re wildlings, of course they killed each other, have you seen their parades?” The other two are like, “Yeah, so… we can go home now, right?” The leader (who my mom says looks like Matt Damon) says, “We can go investigate this grisly murder scene you found or you can run away like little girls and when they catch you, they’ll kill you for being deserters of the Night Watch.”

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The leader then uses the preferred method of motivation in the Seven Kingdoms by calling them both a pussies a bunch of times. They’re like, “Fine, but you’re buying us Breakfast Scrambles after.” They get to the site of the bbq and there’s nothing there, no wildlings, no hacked up dead people, no bbq. Then one finds some shit on the ground. Behind the leader one of the dead people pops up, now a zombie with creepy blue eyes. His friend is like, “Whatever you do, don’t look…” The leader of course looks behind him and gets an axe in the face. The blond has wisely chosen to run away from this bbq of terror when he’s caught by a child zombie. He then sees his pal get caught by a zombie. The zombie cuts his friend’s head off and throws it at him, which is just super impolite for starters. He looks at the head at his feet then at the zombie:
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Theme Song!

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