"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "
Previously: We got to see everyone’s butts and a lot of Robb’s man cleavage, Ygritte took Jon’s V-Card then immediately asked if she could move in with him, Gendry and Arya broke all of our hearts by refusing to settle down together and get married, Brienne and Jaime had the best hot tub scene in the history of hot tub scenes, Jorah was super paranoid, Robb totally boned himself, there was surprise gay sex, and Tywin broke everyone’s puzzle.
Some shit goes down, but for Game of Thrones it’s a pretty tame forty minutes. We are obviously putting things in place just so they can explode later. It’s the calm before the storm and I don’t like it one bit.
Sam fails at building a fire until Gilly jumps in and fixes it.
Sam, “You can build fires and you have a baby. You are the world’s most perfect woman.”
Gilly, “Building fires is Life in Medieval Times 101. How do you not know how to build one? Oh no, are you slow…like mentally?”
Sam, “No it was just warm where I grew up and when it was cold, my servants did it for me.”
Gilly, “Called it! I knew you were a rich bitch!”
Sam, “I will take that as a compliment of my gentlemanly manners. You wanna see something cool?”
Gilly, “Is it sonnets you wrote about me?”
Sam, “No, but I have plenty of those if you want to hear them!”
Gilly, “I’m good.”
Sam, “It’s this awesome dragonglass dagger that I found at the Fist of the First Men!”
(Benioff and Weiss I see what you did there. I see you!
Gilly, “What does it do?”
Sam, “I don’t know, but I guess we’ll find out! It’s cool though right? Look how shiny it is!” (Awww Sam, you totally had a rock collection back at Horn Hill didn’t you?)
Gilly, “So as fun as these fire side chats are, how much longer till we get to the Wall? I am running low on diapers.”
Sam, “Few more days.”
Gilly, “So what’s the Wall like?” (I love how nerdy Jon and Sam impress their cool wildling girlfriends with their inside knowledge of the Wall.)
Sam, “The Wall’s pretty cool, like me and my friend Jon could hang out on top of it like pretty much whenever we wanted.”
Gilly, “You’re joking.”
Sam, “Nope. And there’s this fire in the Great Hall and they keep it on all the time, I’m talking day and night.”
Sam, “Sometimes we sing to each other.”
Gilly, “Bunch of guys sitting around a fire in the freezing tundra singing…”
Sam, “You’re thinking that sounds kinda gay?”
Gilly, “Actually it sounds really nice.”
Sam, “It is! Dareon has a great voice. He does this cover of “Rolling in the Deep” and it’s just like sounds really cool from a guy’s perspective?”
Gilly, “Do you sing?”
Gilly, “Come on.”
Sam, “Oh, alright. I can’t say no to those baby blues.”
And Sam sings! And it’s super cute!
Gilly, “That was nice.”
Sam, “We’re two decent kids, how did we end up on the run in the freezing cold surrounded by zombies with a new born infant?”
Gilly, “Bad parenting?”
Previously: We lost Craster (yay!) and Mormont (no!), Catelyn threw Bran out of a tree, Sam and Gilly set out on a road trip of their own, Jaime briefly flirted with anorexia, Theon cried, Daenerys unhinged her jaw and ate the entire world.
Only The Good Die Young!
Thoros and Beric are about to have their rumble in the cave.
Thoros, “Xenu save us!”
Everyone, “Xenu save us!”
Thoros, “If the Hound is innocent, let him kill my friend. If he is guilty, let my friend kill him.”
Everyone, “For the night is dark and full of terrors.”
The Hound’s getting himself psyched up, pretty convinced he has this in the bag.
Beric cuts his hand, spilling his blood on his sword. Then he whispers softly, “dracarys,” and the sword LIGHTS ON FUCKING FIRE.
And then they FIGHT. FIGHT. FIGHT.
This fight is so cool and so well choreographed. I died. I loved this fight so much and they do such a good job with it (as always.)
Then in the melee, the Hound catches on fire!
(I feel like it gets lost in all the child murdering, but the Hound is being very brave! He’s so afraid of fire! And for a total nihilist, he’s fighting very hard for his life here!)
He doesn’t have much support from the stands. Everyone’s chanting, “Guilty! Guilty!”
Arya, is more direct, “Kill Him! KILL HIM!”
Beric is doing a great job, and he has the whole fire advantage but the Hound is a huge beast and isn’t going down easy.
Then the Hound, still on fire, BRINGS UP HIS SWORD AND CUTS BERIC’S SWORD IN HALF STABBING BERIC.
Beric falls over with a giant chest wound and a sword sticking out of his shoulder. The Hound stops, drops, and rolls.
Thoros jumps on top of Beric, “Xenu put the thetons back in his body.”
Arya has had enough of this bullshit and grabs a sword and goes running full speed at the Hound, because there’s no situation she can’t make better by running in half cocked and fully armed.
Gendry’s the only one with eyes on Arya and runs after her shouting, “ARYA, DON’T!” And then he GRABS HER and tackles her to the ground! Gendry! Why are you so wonderful!
Arya, “No! Let go of me!”
Gendry, “No! You can’t just murder people!”
Arya, “Why not? Everyone else does!”
Hound, “Looks like the gods love me more than your butchers boy.”
And then Beric stands up. ALIVE.
Beric, “Oh, he’ll go to hell, just not today.”
Recap Season 3, Episode 4
Previously: Jaime lost his fucking hand. That’s it. That’s all you need to know.
Benioff and Weiss are out of control and need to be stopped before they ruin television for everyone.
She is Suffering!
(The episode starts in the depths of despair and raises us to the heights of exaltation. But this opening scene is rough. So rough I had a moment of “maybe this show is getting too dark for me,” (and then the end happened and it was fine, but Jesus Fucking Christ is this dark.))
Jaime is on his horse with his hand TIED AROUND HIS NECK.
And he is just a empty shell of a man. There is nothing happening behind those eyes and it is so grim and sad. This isn’t how our sparkly, witty Jaime is supposed to be! Two seconds in and my heart is already on the floor.
Locke, “Hey, can we sodomize you with your amputated hand?”
Congratulations Locke! You are fast becoming the worst person in the Seven Kingdoms. You have some steep competition, but you are getting there.
Locke, “Is that the kind of thing you and Cersei used to do?” (Okay, can we stop with the ass rapes Game of Thrones? And rapes full stop? Can we all get on the same page with that? (Also no judgment if that’s what they’re into Locke! (You could actually probably use it.))
It’s super sad because old Jaime would have some biting comeback about Locke’s obsession with his sex life but new Jaime just stares numbly into the distance.
Brienne is the only one who has her eye on the catatonic disaster that Jaime has become, because she’s the only one who spent months listening to him babble on for days and gets how out of character he’s being.
She sees Jaime start slumping out of his saddle and can’t do anything to stop it. She calls out for the others to help him.
Then Jaime falls off his horse and face plants in the MUD. This is just some Theon levels of degradation right here. (Maybe this is the curse you suffer if you attempt to kill Bran Stark? The complete and total destruction of your soul?)
Locke, “LOL, I’m totally Instagramming this. Hashtag, #fuckedupkingslayer.”
Then Jaime starts begging for water (begging these assholes must be so hard for him!)
Locke, “You sure you don’t want a back pillow?”
Jaime, “Just the water.”
And then one of the men approaches and opens his water and DUMPS IT ON JAIME’S HEAD.
Brienne is 400% done with their shit and is ready to start busting heads to protect her pal.
Jaime, “If I die my father won’t give you any gold.”
Locke, “Oh that’s enough out of you.” Like Jaime is being a whiny bitch in this scenario.
Me to Locke:
Locke gives him a wine skin and Jaime drinks all of it.
Locke, “I’ve never seen someone drink horse piss that fast.” (Locke, why do you have a wine skin filled with piss? How did you get that? Why is that a thing you carry on you?)
Jaime vomits up the horse piss while everyone laughs at him.
They haul him up and Jaime ELBOWS a dude in the face and steals his sword, because even the empty shell of Jaime Lannister still has moves. (Also how sad that they aren’t chaining him up anymore because the once great Kingslayer isn’t even a threat.) Despite using his non-dominant hand, Jaime puts up a heartbreakingly good fight. Brienne hops off her horse to help him (because they lurrve each other) and even tied up, without a sword she still takes out like four dudes cause she’s a bad ass bitch. But they are hopelessly outnumbered and they finally corral Brienne and beat Jaime into submission.
Locke literally kicks Jaime while he’s down and steps on his HAND until he lets go of the sword.
Locke, “You do that again and I’ll take your other hand.”
Jaime, “Yeah you won, I lost. I get it.”
They close up on Jaime’s mud covered face with his dead hand beside him.
Recap Season 3, Episode 3
Previously: Brienne kicked Jaime’s butt, that goddamn three eyed crow came back, the Queen of Thorns killed it, mild crossbow foreplay, warging, hippies, the triumphant return of the Hound and the outing of Arya Stark, Rickon running wildly through the woods like a mysterious and magical wood nymph, Catelyn and Robb finding out about Rickon and Bran possibly being dead and taking it in stride, etc. etc.
This. Fucking. Episode. I was too hungover on Sunday to make it to my friend’s weekly Game of Thrones watching party and was like, “It’s fine it’s only the third episode it’s not like they’re going to get to the de-handing Jaime thing yet.” But I forgot that this show has the pacing of a goddamn race horse and Benioff and Weiss don’t give a fuck and will cut off anyone’s limb at anytime, so I had to watch this by MYSELF, with only my delivery food to yell at.
Alright. Deep breath, let’s do this.
The End of First Knight!
We say goodbye to Lord Hoster Tully.
In fact we didn’t even know you at all, because that’s how intense this show is, even off camera characters are on the chopping block. Then, we meet Catelyn’s younger brother, Edmure!
Edmure comes up with his bow and his awesome scaley fish armor and lights a flaming arrow ready to send his father off with dignity to his fiery/watery grave…and it goes… right into the current.
Edmure, “Don’t worry I got this.”
He tries again, and it’s a swing in a miss. People start giggling and even Robb laughs!!!
Robb, “It feels good to laugh.”
Catelyn gives him the most hardcore death glare and is like, “Laugh again and it will be you in that boat.”
(Which Catelyn, the funniest thing that has happened to your son in weeks is a funeral. Shit is bleaaaak. Let him get his lols where he can.)
Edmure tries again and misses.
Hoster’s body is rapidly sailing out of sight so Catelyn’s awesome Uncle Blackfish puts an end to this tomfoolery and shoves Edmure aside. Blackfish lights an arrow and sends it flying AND HE’S SO HARDCORE HE DOESN’T EVEN LOOK TO MAKE SURE IT LANDS.
Blackfish walks away, leaving Edmure and everyone to wallow in Edmure’s shame.
I’d say since you’ve already seen seasons one and two you should definitely read the first two books. The show basically acts as a very judicious editor of Martin’s material, so the books will just give you a bunch of extra awesome to story you already love.
Now book three, Storm of Swords, is one of my favorite books ever because I’ve never seen any author light their shit on fire the way Martin does in that book. There were certain times reading it where I almost threw the book at the person sitting across from me on the subway because I was so surprised by what was happening. It’s basically one big spoiler after the next. So personally, I’d say read book three before you watch the show (you have 300 days to read three 1,000 page books, it can be done!) because I fondly remember how much I enjoyed reading the book and much of my enjoyment came from not knowing what was going to happen. (Also they’re splitting the third book into two seasons so that’s two years of avoiding internet spoilers which might be physically impossible.)
As for books four and five, they did a messed up thing where - each chapter in the books is told from a different character’s perspective - since Martin was taking forever they just published half the characters in the fourth one and other half in the fifth even though they take place concurrently. I think it was a pretty bonehead move that fucks with the momentum of the story and I’m assuming the show is going to fix it, so I’d say watch those seasons first, then read the books for the extra awesome. But that’s just one girl’s opinion. Let me know what you think, and thanks for reading Tsul!!
Recap: Season 2 Episode 9
Previously: Duffel bags full of daggers, Jaime and Brienne roadtripping, Ros getting the short end of the stick yet again, Failed attempt at assassinating Tywin Lannister, Successful attempt at assassinating a bunch of guards, Qhorin losing his hat, The complete rewriting of the Arya, Robb and Catelyn characters, Meeting the Lord of Bones, Jon becoming a secret double agent, Everyone being called a cunt, Me:
This is it guys!
Right upfront: This. This is television so good it surpasses television. Let’s stop fucking around and just submit this shit to the Oscars. (They have what? 15 best picture nominees now? One could be a television episode. Who’s gonna argue? It’s a little late for them to squabble about the rules.) Peter Dinklage should be nominated for and win an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor (which he can only lose to Matthew McConaughey for Magic Mike.)
Davos is standing on a deck looking out at the fuck ton of boats that Stannis has at his disposal. All the sailors on the ships are mentally preparing themselves for battle, looking how I look before a big test. One guy gets up and vomits. Which, dude! That’d be me! (Also is that a barrel filled with just vomit?? Why would you have that?)
Stannis is preternaturally calm:
Matthos, “The wind is against us.”
Davos, “It will blow us to King’s Landing.”
Matthos, “You excited to go home?”
Davos, “I haven’t thought of King’s Landing as home in 20 years. It’s more a place I lived that one time. What’s weird is I’m still not used to wearing my captain’s hat vs. my pirate’s hat. I spent most of my life dodging the royal fleet.”
Matthos, “Uhh correction: This is the royal fleet and you are the high captain.”
Davos, “Well, I am one of many captains of many royal fleets.”
Matthos, “Not for long. After tonight, Stannis is going to be king and you’ll be his hand.”
Davos, “Gods willing.”
Matthos, “There is only the creepy red god!”
Davos, “Yeah, I know all about your weirdo god.”
Matthos, “But everybody in King’s Landing and the audience wants us to kill Joffrey.”
Davos, “Right but to do that we first have to win this battle. One step at a time.”
Matthos, “But our army outnumbers them 5-1!!!”
Davos, “But war is chaos and who knows what tricks Tyrion has up his sleeve. Add to that the fact that the walls of King’s Landing have never been breached and they won’t see us as liberators so much as people coming to set their shit on fire and this is going to get pretty complicated.”
Matthos, “I trust you and I love you.”
Davos, “That is super sweet.”
And Salladhor Saan prepares all his boats:
Recap: Episode 7, Season 2
Previously: Botched beheadings, Littlefinger being everywhere, Mycella winning a free trip to Dorne, Taunting, Cow pies, Joffrey being slapped, Intestines being ripped out, Robb and Jon awkwardly flirting with people who aren’t each other, Spooning with wildlings, Shae and Sansa bonding, Operation Hot Mother, Dothraki massacres, Dragon theft, etc. etc.
Theon wakes up in the morning and rolls over, shocked to find Osha gone. (Which I find very hard to believe that’s the first time that’s happened to him (or the last.)) He then discovers that he has somehow botched the easiest siege in the war.
Outside everyone’s looking at the sailor whose throat Osha cut last episode.
Theon, “So let me get this straight, you were outsmarted by a eight year old cripple and a giant who’s vocabulary is limited to his own name?”
Cranky Bald Sailor, “No we were outwitted by an eight year old cripple and a giant who only says his own name and Rickon.”
Cranky Bald Sailor, “Let’s just agree that this reflects poorly on all of us. And btw that wildling lady you boned last night is gone too, so this is mostly your fault.”
Theon, “You’re gonna step to me like that? Don’t you know I’m loco.”And then he turns around and punches the dude right in the face. (Cranky bald dude, you talked a big game for someone who gets taken down by one punch by Theon Greyjoy.) Theon hilariously hurts his hand doing this because he’s incapable of doing anything that doesn’t backfire. Since he’s too injured to continue hitting the dude he starts kicking him.
Everyone, “This is….pretty much the leadership we expected from this guy honestly.”
Cranky Bald Dude:
Theon, “Rickon and Theon escaped. This means one thing. Rampage.”
Theon, “I’m gonna cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war!”
Luwin, “It’s dogs of war.”
Theon, “Whatever farm animal of war! Geez.”
I’m not a doctor but if Cleftjaw likes you, odds are you’re doing something wrong.
Recap: Episode 5, Season 2
Previously: Compulsory amputations, Hot rats, Robb in the rain, The complete emotional destruction of Lancel Lannister, No Jon, FMK, Farts, Flaying, Crossbows, Hand cutting to prove financial liability, The return of Tywin Lannister, Grammar lessons from Stannis Baratheon, Newborn shadow/ghosts, etc.
It’s a dark and windy night and Renly’s army is preparing themselves for the vicious onslaught of Stannis’ fifteen dudes.
Catelyn, “So basically the plan is you marry Robb and then you two rule Westoros together. He’ll rule the North, you rule the South, like the Summer and Winter Courts in the Iron Fey novels. You’ll see each other at the beginning of spring to pass the Scepter of Seasons back and forth and everyone will live in peaceful prosperity under two just and handsome kings.”
Renly, “I could see Loras being into this.” Daintiest sip of cocktail. “Sounds like a deal. Robb just has to swear to me the same oath Ned swore to Robert. Ned and Robert’s marriage was the super glue that held this Kingdom together for many years and now that they’re dead, their hotter, younger counterparts are going to take their place. It’s ideal really.”
Catelyn, “Great. So what are next steps?”
Renly, “Well first I’ll take off my armor so it will be very believable that I could be killed by a human, then in the morning I’ll deal with Stannis.”
Renly, “I’ve got 100,000 well rested soldiers, morale is high, crushing my older brother should be a cake walk. Then I’ll go to Robb, he’ll see me coming across the moors on my horse with my banners around me and he’ll start to smile but then stop himself but then you know what fuck it, he’s happy and he’ll grin wildly. And then when I finally reach him he’ll say something like, “Took you long enough.” And I’ll say something like, “Got here as fast as I could.” And then we’ll hug in a beautiful mess of ginger curls. And then we’ll get married and it will be the biggest party anyone has ever seen in Westoros but we won’t have flowers because you know, there’s a war on. And then after an abbreviated but intense honeymoon we will descend on King’s Landing in a sea of copper, green, blue and silver and we will kill Joffrey and try Cersei for Robert’s murder and free Sansa and get down to the business of finding Arya and any bastards Robert might have had who are still alive and once all that’s done.”
Renly, “We will rule in harmony until someone from across the Narrow Sea tries to attack us with dragons.”
Recap: Episode 4, Season 2
Previously: Sam and Jon having a loving healthy relationship, The complete and total emotional destruction of Theon Greyjoy, Thimble giving, Almost gay sex, Baptisms, Beard cuts, Riddles, Alas poor Yoren we knew him well, Jedi mind-tricks, Children being stabbed in the throat, etc. etc.
It’s pouring in the middle of the night and we’re listening to the witty repartee of some Lannister soldiers, which is like listening to Duke lacrosse players in a locker room after a game. They’re playing Fuck/Marry/Kill with all the men in Westoros.
Lannister Soldier 1: “You’d want to marry the Mountain right? He’s so big and strong, he’d make you feel small and delicate.”
Lannister Soldier 2: “But what about Jaime? He’s got those blue eyes and that long blond hair. I certainly wouldn’t kick him out of bed.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “Oh that’s right! I forgot about Jaime, he is a piece.”
Lannister Soldier 2: “But there’s also Loras Tyrell. Now there’s someone who knows his way with a sword and I bet he’d help me update my wardrobe.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “Yeah but Loras is already engaged to Renly.”
Lannister Soldier 2: “Doesn’t mean we can’t be together in my imagination! God, you take all the fun out of this.” (Boys, the answer is Jon/Robb/Joffrey.)
Horses: “I am not happy right now.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “The horses are being funny.”
Lannister Soldier 2: “They’re just stupid horses getting scared by silly little shadows. Shadows man! That’s definitely nothing to be scared of, I mean who would ever possibly get scared of a shadow, that’s never hap-”
Lannister Soldier 1: “Thanks Freddy Foreshadowing and can you keep it down, I think there’s something on the wing.”
Lannister Soldier 2: “What are you going on about? Let me go investigate.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “Shhh, listen closely don’t you hear it?”
Lannister Soldier 2: “Hear what?”
Lannister Soldier 1: “Wait for it…”
Lannister Soldier 2: “This is really tense right now.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “FART!” Oh, war!
Lannister Soldier 1: “Ha Ha Ha! You should have seen your face! You were so serious! Oh I can’t believe you fell for it! You almost attacked my fart with your sword! L.O.L. Wait till I tell the guys about this one! We’re gonna retell this story for weeks!”
Lannister Soldier 2: “You are such an asshole you know that?”
Lannister Soldier 1: “You were all “Who goes there?!” and it was just my smelly gas!”
Lannister Soldier 2: “There’s definitely something out there.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “You can’t get me back right away suuucka!”
Lannister Soldier 2: “No I’m serious.”
Lannister Soldier 1: “Taking a piss! Not falling for it!”
Lannister Soldier 2: “LOOK OUT!”
Nymeria Grey Wind: “BITING YOUR FACE.”
ROBB!!! You’re back!! And you’re wet! Thank god.
Stark Army: “The King in the North!”
Me: “THE KING IN THE NORTH!”
Lannister Robb’s Camp!
Lannister Soldier 1: “Intestines Everywhere.”
The camp is filled with the dead and dying and Robb is walking around taking stock. (I realize all I do is talk about how attractive Richard Madden is but this is outrageous. He’s covered in shit and dirt but his blue eyes sparkle so much in this scene he might as well be a White Walker amiright?
And then we meet: Roose Bolton!
Likes: Hans Gruber, Hannibal Lecter, Iago, Colonel Kurtz, Hans Landa, Kevin Spacey in Seven, Leatherface, Amon Goeth, Palpatine, Buffalo Bill, Leeching etc.
Dislikes: The Geneva Conventions, The health and well being of others, My happiness
Everyone, “Looting corpses!”
Roose, “We killed five Lannister men for every one of ours. You are kind of a child prodigy at this war stuff.” (I didn’t know who this was at first and just assumed it was Roose Bolton based entirely on the actor’s deeply unsettling, smoothly silk-like voice.)
Robb, “Thanks, I guess.”
Roose, “So we don’t have that much food, I mean we have some but not enough if we want seconds so we’ll just kill everyone who’s still alive.”
Robb, “No. No. Let’s not do that.”
Roose, “You misheard me, I obviously meant we will torture them terribly to find out what they know about Tywin’s plans of course.” (Michael McElhatton seriously what is even your voice? It sounds like it was aged in a oak barrel for ten years and poured over ice.) “As my family always says, “Naked men are degraded and embarrassed enough but once you start taking their skin off, that’s when the fun really starts.” The holidays at our house get…intense.”
Robb, “Oh, I know. You would think “don’t skin people alive” would be an unspoken rule, but my father had to outlaw flaying in the north because your family is so weird with that shit.”
Roose, “Well yeah, but the great thing is we’re not in the north so it could be a 24/7 flaying party around here….I mean… if we wanted…I could invite…”
Robb, “We are not going to slowly remove large chunks of skin from people in whole pieces and that’s final. Why are you making me say this?”
Roose, “I’m pretty messed up.” (Honestly Roose, it is so hard to concentrate when you talk because your voice is like velvet if velvet was made out of butter.) “Look not treating people like skin dispensers is fun and all but just try convincing your army of that.”
Robb, “If we start to flambe people or whatever weird shit you wanna do it will give the Lannister’s an excuse to hurt my sisters, so this a nonstarter.” (Uhhh Robb, the Lannisters don’t really need an excuse to do that. “It’s 3 PM and I’m sober” is usually enough of a reason for them to terrorize Sansa.)
Roose, “Well that’s….disappointing….”
Then Robb sees someone in need and just:
And we meet nurse lady!
Lannister Man, “My leg! My leg!”
Talisa, “The rot’s set in, so it’s coming off. Now.”
Lannister Man, “Wait! Let’s get a second opinion! I’ll go home, take some aspirin see if it goes away! Let’s not jump to the whole “cutting my leg off thing!””
Talisa, “Nah, I’m just gonna take it off.”
Lannister Man, “Don’t I have to sign a release? Maybe wait a few hours? I’ve eaten recently! Isn’t that bad before surgery?”
Robb, “I believe my raw physical strength could be of service here.”
Lannister Man, “Please don’t! I need my foot! For things! It’s like Tyrion said, the only time being a cripple doesnt matter is if you’re rich and I’m not rich!”
Robb, “Here bite down on this.”
Roose, “Uh, guys, you realize you’re working on a Lannister right? Why don’t you leave him be and go tend to some Stark men and I’ll go get my special flaying knife…”
Robb, “You’re not getting any skin today will you leave it?”
Talisa, “Self righteous things.”
Robb to man, “Trust me, you are not gonna wanna see this.” And then Robb watches Talisa as she saws the man’s leg off with all this FEELING in his big blue eyes and he’s already picturing how it’s going to go at dinner parties: Person, “You two are so cute, how’d you meet?” Robb, “Well she was on the bottom end of this guy chopping his feet off and I was on the top end of him holding him down and shoving my gloves into his mouth and you know it’s like they say, “When it’s right, it’s right.”“ (Also is forced limb removal what you’re into Robb? Because that’s …. not necessarily a deal breaker.)
Jeyne Talisa loads the dude up on a cart and then sends it on it’s very bumpy way. At least give the dude some morphine for that ride, or vicodin, “Milk of Poppy, ” whatever. Robb’s like, “So she’s currently not holding any severed limbs is now when I make my move or….” Then Talisa sees Robb looking at her and is just:
Then she storms away from him to start gathering her things. (Okay I’m sorry: dragons, wolf dreams, shadow babies whatever this scene right here is the most unbelievable in the whole series. Nobody is dissing Mr. Blue Eyes McCheekbones like that. I don’t care how many of your family members he just killed, you’d still be like, “Sure let’s grab a drink and talk through this.”)
Robb, “Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.”
Talisa, “My name’s Talisa.”
Robb, “And your last name would be….”
Talisa, “Trying to find out if I’m on your side?”
Robb, “No I just want to make sure we aren’t related. It is like a problem around here.”
Talisa, “Remember how you just helped me cut that boys foot off?”
Robb, “Yes, it happened two minutes ago.”
Talisa, “That was 100% your fault.”
Robb, “Self righteousness and a guilt trip? You are hitting all of my Stark buttons. Look, if it were up to me I’d be in Winterfell right now playing X-Box with Theon and Jon and Bran.”
Talisa, “And Rickon?”
Robb, “Who? I’m only out here killing people because the Lannisters went ape shit on my family last season. They defenestrated my brother.”
Robb, “I know, fucked up right?”
Talisa, “And that boy with the peg leg, he did what to your family?”
Robb, “Well the people he fights with - “
Talisa, “You think he’s friends with King Joffrey?”
Robb, “Maybe, I don’t know his life.”
Talisa, “He’s just a wee baby, he probably never held a sword before and now he’s out here getting his limbs hacked off by me. I am very upset about this.”
Robb, “Yeah, so am I. It’s called “The Psychological Toll of War.” We’re all going to need some serious counseling.”
Talisa, “Well that should help his foot grow back.”
Robb, “We live in an incredibly violent medieval society. I don’t really know what to tell you? I didn’t invent the rules of the game I just have to play by them.”
Talisa, “Walks over to load up another cart.”
Robb, “So you want me to just surrender then? Then Joffrey can just chop off all of our dad’s heads.”
Talisa, “And you’re going to kill Joffrey?
Robb, “That is the basic plan, yes.”
Talisa, “And then what?”
Robb, “Well….then I’ll get my sisters and my mother and my father’s bones and we’ll go back to Winterfell and try to heal as best we can from the damage that’s been done to us over the past few months. Sure it’s not a lot but it’s the best happy ending I can hope for. I don’t want to be King of Anything…Well just of the North…mostly cause it sounds really cool.”
Talisa, “So who will be King?”
Robb, “I don’t know. Tyrion, Renly, Jon, Arya, Gendry, Daenerys, Varys, Jaime, Hot Pie? Literally anyone but Joffrey would be an improvement.”
Talisa, “So you fighting this massive war and you have no idea what the end game is?”
Robb, “I’m 17 lady, not Henry Kissinger. My lack of political cunning compared to others in this series is actually one of my more redeeming qualities.”
Talisa, “Well I’m out. Cart me away!”
Robb, “Wait! Seriously? You’re just going to leave? You don’t want to run your fingers through my hair to see what it’s like? Or have me sit for an oil portrait so you can paint me? Like people normally do? At least tell me where you’re from.”
Talisa, “Across the narrow sea.”
Robb, “Then why don’t you have an accent?”
Talisa, “I didn’t really think through my cover story.”
Robb, “The boy was lucky you were here.”
Talisa, “He was unlucky you were.”
Robb, “I have the weirdest boner right now.”