A Song of Ice and Lolz

"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "


Contact: asongoficeandlolz@gmail.com

Posts tagged "a song of ice and fire"

Dude’s House!
Dude, “Pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray. Help me protect my daughter’s virtue.” 
(I can’t with the rapiness on this show anymore so here’s Angelina Jolie to make me feel better:
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Dude, “Pray pray pray pray.”
Hound, “How long is this going to go on?”
Arya, “Father!” 
Hound, “If I don’t eat right now…”
Hound:
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Arya, “I’m starving too, but the smallest amount of manners goes a long way.”
Dude, “Pray pray pray pray some more.”
Hound, “Okay, nope can’t do this.”
Hound:
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And then he grabs the pot while Arya is adorably embarrassed, but she’s also starving and digs in too and they:
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Arya wipes her face.
Arya, “Your dad did not undersell this rabbit stew, Sally, it is delicious.”
Dude, “Did you fight at the Twins?”
Arya, “Whoa! Trigger warning much?”
Hound, “A fight implies there were two sides and not just the Freys surprise murdering a lot of drunk people.”
Dude, “Red Wedding, they’re calling it.”
Everyone, “That’s what we call it too!”
Dude, “Fucked right up that he let them eat food in his house and then killed them.”
Hound, “Yup. Guest Right doesn’t mean much anymore.”
Dude, “Hope that’s not foreshadowing. Gods will have their vengeance, Frey will burn in the seventh hell for what he did.”
Everyone, “You would hope.”
Dude, “Things were better when Hoster Tully ruled the Riverlands. We had good years and bad years, but we were safe, and there weren’t people constantly raiding and stealing all our shit. I was going to send Sally north but that’s no better, Bolton’s the mayor now and I don’t agree with his flaying policies. ”
Dude:
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Hound:
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Hound, “Yes yes, we live in a horror show, I know. Can I at least drink while you yap at me?”
Dude, “We’re in rations, so, no, I don’t have beer.” 
Hound:
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(This right here is when the Hound decides to fuck this dude.)
Hound, “Your dad is the worst.”
Sally, “Don’t get me started.”
Dude, “You look big and strong.”
Hound, “Thank you.”
Dude, “No like super strong, what is your workout regimen?”
Hound, “I kill a lot of people?”
Dude, “Interesting, how much can you bench?”
Hound, “Where is this going?”
Dude, “I’m just saying you are not weak and frail like me. What say you stay here, help me out, help with the heavy lifting. Sally does what she can but she doesn’t have a lot of arm strength. We’re sitting ducks here, one look at you and raiders would run away. No offense.”
Hound, “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Pay?”
Dude, “I got some silver I hid. Fair wages for fair work.”
Hound, “That doesn’t sound too bad.”
Arya, “Awww, look at dad making a friend.”
Cut to: Next morning.
Arya wakes up in the morning in the hay to yelling and screaming and goes running out with needle to see the Hound robbing the old man.
Arya:
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Hound, “He didn’t have beer!”
Arya, “You said, you weren’t a thief.”
Hound, “Well, turns out my code of honor is fucked on the show, too.”
Arya, “He was the one dude in 100,000 that we didn’t have to fuck up. He took us in and fed us which is just what happened to Robb! How do you not know this is a huge trigger for me?”
Hound, “He’s a good man and so is the daughter, they’ll both be dead come winter.”
Arya:
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Arya, “What are you, psychic?”
Hound, “Don’t need to be. He’s weak, can’t protect himself.”
Arya, “Which is why he hired you to protect him?”
Hound, “This is not my life dream! We just talked about this. Some terrible fuck is gonna come along, kill him, and steal his silver. Better I have it, than him.”
Arya, “You’re the worst shit in the Seven Kingdoms.”
Hound, ” I don’t know, did you hear what Jaime just did?”
Arya, “No.”
The Hound, “Well there are plenty worse than me. I understand the way things are. How many Starks they gotta behead before you figure things out?”
Arya, “Like two more.”

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King’s Landing! The Sept!
Margaery walks down the aisle in her amazing gown with her insane perm and she looks fantastic. Her dress is covered in thorns which is thematically appropriate for Highgarden, but also a great defensive garment when you’re marrying a sociopath. (The Tyrells really think of everything.) Joffrey also looks stunning, can’t hate.
Joffrey:
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The priest wraps their hands together, tying them in a literal knot.
Priest, “House Tyrell, House Lannister and House Baratheon are one heart, cursed be he who would tear them asunder.”
Everyone in the audience, “Awkward coughing.”
Joffrey, “With this kiss, I pledge my love.”
And then they make out in a way that makes everyone uncomfortable.
Everyone, “I always thought he was kinda sexless?”
Sansa, “Looks like we have a new queen now.”
Tyrion, “1. Don’t let Cersei hear you say that. 2. Better her than you.”
Joffrey, “Okay, Margaery and I are going to go do some photos, but we’d love for you to join us all for cocktail hour followed by the reception. So if you could all go outside, there are shuttles waiting to take you to the next location, and everyone please remember the hashtag for the weekend is #purplewedding, so tag the pictures you post appropriately, I don’t want to miss anything!”

Cliffs!
Tywin seeks Olenna out! (Which I love! You got a crush papa Lannister! (If all the Lannisters are marrying Tyrells, why can’t you two get married!))
Tywin, “Bit much wouldn’t you say?”
Olenna, “Ugh you are such a dad right now.” 
Tywin, “The word extravagant has been used.”
Olenna, “What good is the word extravagant if it can’t be used to describe a royal wedding?”
Tywin, “People who spend money on weddings tend to not have money for long.”
Olenna, “You have your ways of winning the war, I have mine.”

"The people are hungry for more than just food. They crave distractions. And if we don’t provide them, they’ll create their own. And their distractions are likely to end with us being torn to pieces. A royal wedding is much safer."

Olenna, “You ought to try enjoying something before you die, you might find that it suits you.”
Tywin, “Are you hitting on me?”
Everyone, “I hope so!”
Mace, “Mother!”
Olenna, “Go away Mace! I’m flirting with Tywin!”
Mace, “Alright.”
Olenna, “Sorry about that, he is the worst.”
Tywin, “I hate my children too!”
Olenna, “We are well suited. Anyway don’t know what you’re bitching about, I paid for most of this.”
Tywin, “I kinda love that you have more money than me.”
Olenna, “Right? And I’m going to be coughing up more soon I’m sure. Wars are long and expensive and everyone knows the crown is in mega debt to the Iron Bank since Littlefinger fucked off and stopped being the magic Master of Coin. The Iron Bank does not fuck around, they’ll be here soon breaking knee caps if they don’t get their due, they love to remind everyone like you Lannisters and your debts.”
Tywin, “I’m not worried.”
Olenna, “No you’re too smart for all that. Come Tywin, let’s celebrate young love.”
Tywin, “I would rather be shot in the face.”
Olenna, “Me too, but we have to.”

"Every once in a very long while, Lord Tywin Lannister would actually threaten to smile; he never did, but the threat alone was terrible to behold."

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Recap: Episode 2, Season 4 
(So Tumblr is being super crashy with this post (I just have too many gifs/thoughts on Game of Thrones for this website to handle) so I’m splitting this recap into two (which kinda works since the last 20 minutes were basically their own mini episode anyway.) This is part one, part two posted after, (you’re smart, you’ll get it.))

Previously: Tywin disowned Jaime, Cersei broke up with Jaime, Joffrey made fun of Jaime, Brienne scolded Jaime, Podrick got a haircut, We met the Red Viper, Something gay happened, They recast Daario, Dontos gave Sansa a necklace, Ice was ruined, Needle was found, and Arya knocked some people off her “to kill” list

Dreadfort!
And……………………………………………………………I can’t with this scene. I tried, but I can’t. Reading about how Ramsay likes to rape young girls and then set them free so he can hunt them down and then rape/murder/flay them is one thing, having to actually watch it is another. We already saw Ramsay hunt the most dangerous game when he did this to Theon, so I’m not sure what this scene is telling us that we don’t already know? That he trained his dogs to acquire an appetite for human flesh? We probably could have put that together using context clues. I guess it introduces his non-book-canonical “cool girl" supportive girlfriend who shares his hobbies; which-it’s nice that he found someone-but the only way I can see that relationship ending is him chasing her down to rape/murder/flay her, and, again, that doesn’t feel wholly necessary. I guess the important part is Theon’s broken face at the end, but again, we already know Theon moved into a k-hole and decorated it with posters and furniture to make it feel like home, we don’t necessarily need that underlined. Sometimes, and I know this might sound crazy, when it comes to sexual violence and people being eaten alive by dogs, less is more.

King’s Landing!
Tyrion and Jaime are having a super adorable brothers’ lunch together! (When was the last time you two hung out? Was it the second episode? Where you had a hangover breakfast and talked about how much Jaime would hate being a cripple and how Tyrion was going to the Wall? That was so long ago guys! So much has happened!! Did you know there are dragons now?)
Podrick is serving Tyrion and Jaime sausage, (why do they always show sausage after scenes with Ramsay?! (I’m kidding, I know.))
Tyrion, “I don’t know what you’re bitching about. I like your new hand. It goes great with your haircut. I think it’s even better than your old one. Pod, tell Jaime how handsome he looks with his new hand.” (Tyrion is the best little brother ever.) 
Podrick, “Very handsome, sir.”
Jaime, “Thank you, Pod.”
Podrick, “Is it solid gold?”
Tyrion, “The point is to make people think it is, it’s actually just gilded steel.”
Podrick, “You can’t tell the difference.”
Tyrion,”See! Hey, why are you not eating? Why is no one eating? First Sansa, now you. The war’s over! It’s peacetime, we should be happy. Why is everyone around me debilitatingly depressed?”
Tyrion:

"Winter is coming, warned the Stark words, and truly it had come to them with a vengeance. But it is high summer for House Lannister. So why am I so bloody cold?” 

Jaime, “I’m on a diet.”
Tyrion, “Well that’s silly, you just lost half your hand weight.”
Jaime:
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Tyrion, “Kidding! Jesus, no one can take a joke around here anymore. C’mon, try the boar, Cersei can’t get enough of it since one killed Robert for her… Nothing? Really? This is some of my best material. Here, how bout we drink instead? I propose a toast! To us being reunited! All the Lannister children, the cripple, the dwarf and the mother of madness. We are crushing it.”
And then Jaime legit:
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Pod, “On it!”
Jaime, “No, you’re only make me feel more like an invalid, I’ll do it. Please, leave me alone with my shame.”
Podrick, “As you wish.”
Tyrion, “It’s only wine! Wine, wine wine. What’s the worst wine can do? Here let me spill this wine all over the table and then refill your glass. Me and wine, totally normal.”
Jaime, finally admitting to someone in a whisper even though they’re all alone,  “I can’t fight anymore.”
Tyrion, not reacting negatively, “What about your other hand?”
Jaime, “It’s a piece of shit, I’m not ambidextrous. How can I protect the king if I can’t wipe my own ass?”
Tyrion, “You’re forty! Have you thought about retiring?”
Jaime, “Oh lord, not you too.”
Tyrion, “I’m not saying retire from King’s Landing, I mean retire from fighting. You can serve on the board of the King’s Guard. Let everyone else fight for the king, Look at dad, he hasn’t been in active combats in years and he just won a war.”
Jaime, “Dad’s always been a Machiavellian politician, that was a natural progression. I’m a rock star fighter. I was the best knight in the Seven Kingdoms when I was 16, that’s all I’ve been my entire life. When people find out, I’ll be fucked.”
Tyrion, “Enough pity party. Just practice, become the left-handed Kingslayer.”
Jaime, “With whom? You? Not with cellphones these days, as soon as someone discovers I can’t fight it will be all over Twitter.”
Tyrion, “Don’t even worry about it bro. I got you.”
Jaime, “Man I missed having you around.”
Tyrion, “Ditto.”
(So in the books Jaime trains with Ilyn Payne because he doesn’t have a tongue because he is brilliant. But the actor who plays Ilyn Payne had to leave the show for very sad reasons and I think they made a brilliant, brilliant choice to replace him.)

Bronn! Bronn! Bronn!
Jaime, “Since you’re married to my brother I’m inclined to trust you.”
Bronn, “Since you shit gold like your father, I’m inclined to do what you ask.”
Jaime tosses him gold.
Jaime, “You sure no one will see us here? It seems a little…open.”
Bronn, “This is my cliff-side sex alcove where I bone married ladies.”
Jaime, “Ew, can we go somewhere else?”
Bronn, “If they don’t hear my sex, they won’t hear us.”
Jaime, “Okay enough about your love life, can we fight?”
Jaime picks up his sword.
Bronn, “Uh-uh, we’re all very impressed with the present your daddy got you, but I’m already covered in scars, I’m not looking to add more. We are starting with the basics.”
Jaime, “I haven’t used a sparring sword since I was nine.”
Bronn, “Yes, we all know how hot you used to be.”
Jaime goes to pick up the sword and Bronn starts hacking at him. 
Jaime, “You don’t fight with honor.”
Bronn, “Nope. Never have, never will.”
Jaime, “Attacking me before I’m ready…. “
Bronn, “You are troubled. Good, trouble is the perfect time to train. When you’re dancing in the meadow with your dolls and kittens, this not when fighting happens. How can you be quick as a snake, quiet as a shadow, when you’re somewhere else?”
Jaime, “Stop teasing me, I still have my right hand.”
Bronn, “What are you gonna do, knock some wine over at me?”
Jaime, “I see why you and Tyrion work so well together.”
And then there’s a lovely moment where Bronn gets the better of Jaime and Jaime takes a moment to swallow all his anger and pity and then stands back up and says, “Come on then.” Jaime Lannister character development ya’ll. It gives me life.

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Recap: Episode 1, Season 4

We’re back?
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That was fast!

Last season: Robb died, Catelyn died, Talisa died, Talisa’s unborn baby died, Greywind died, Ros died, Orell died, Lord Mormont died, Craster died, Catelyn’s dad died, Theon lost his penis, some teeth and his mind, Jaime finally made it back to King’s Landing, Sam and Jon finally made it back to the Wall, Bran went beyond the Wall, Mance is ready to attack the Wall, Stannis is going to defend the Wall, Yara is going to find Theon, Sansa married Tyrion, Joffrey is marrying Margaery, Cersei is marrying Loras, Arya started hanging out with the Hound, Littlefinger was headed to the Vale, Daenerys was headed to Meeren, and Rickon set out on a perilous and mysterious adventure for the great unknown armed with nothing but his wits, a violent temper and a feral direwolf.


Special Armory!
In a fancy wolf pelt scabbard is Ned’s sword, Ice.
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Tywin unsheathes it and gives it to a special armorer, (NOT Gendry) who melts it down. Tywin puts on his iPod and cranks up “Rains of Castamere” and rocks out while watching them rework the steel into two swords. 
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Tywin then takes the wolf pelt scabbard and throws it into a fire just to really rub it in that the Starks are gone, because why not give us all PTSD Red Wedding flashbacks .02 seconds into the premiere? One thing Tywin, will you let us have one thing?
Tywin:
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Theme Song!
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We’re back! (How I missed you!)
We get to see the Dreadfort (home to House Bolton) in the credits.
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And pretty Meereen.
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Hand of the King’s Room!
Jaime’s back with an awesome hair cut.
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Tywin is giving him one of the swords he made in the cold open.
Jaime, “Sweet sword dad! Who knew you were cool?”
Tywin, “Arya.”
Jaime, “What?”
Tywin, “Nothing.”
Jaime, “But seriously, how’d you get this? It looks brand new.”
Tywin, “That’s cause she is.”
Jaime, “Bullshit. You just bought a Valyrian steel sword? Where?”
Tywin, “Skymall.”
Jaime, “Really?!”
Tywin, “No, you idiot. I flew out a fancy armorer from Volantis and put him up at a five star hotel in the city cause Tywin Lannister is:
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Jaime, “But where did you get the raw materials? Valyrian steel is extinct.”
Tywin, “Get this, I used Ice.”
Jaime, “You’re giving me Ned Stark’s sword? That is so fucked up.”
Tywin, “I know, right?”
Jaime, “But like, even for you.”
Tywin:
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Jaime, “Is there any horror you won’t subject the Starks to?”
Tywin, “Not really, no.”
Jaime, “Well, our family did always want a Valyrian steel sword.”
Tywin, “Now we have two. Everything is coming up Lannister!”
Jaime, “I gotta admit, having rich parents is awesome.” He genuinely thanks Tywin and Tywin nods and it is the most functional interaction we’ve seen him have with any of his children, let’s hope he doesn’t ruin it in 3, 2, 1…
Jaime clumsily puts the sword down.

His eyes went back to Jaime’s stump, and his mouth grew taut with fury. “We’ll have their heads. Every one. Can you use a sword with your left hand?”

I can hardly dress myself in the morning. Jaime held up the hand in question for his father’s inspection. “Four fingers, a thumb, much like the other, Why shouldn’t it work as well?”

Tywin, “You’ll never be as good.”
Jaime, “Jesus. You ever heard of not kicking a man while he’s down?”
Tywin, “It’s my joie de vivre.”
Jaime, “Whatever. Don’t worry about it. Tis but a scratch.”
Tywin:
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Jaime:
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(We can talk when I’m less emotional about it, about how devastated Jaime is about losing his hand but how he makes a joke and down plays it any time someone brings it up.)
Tywin, “You know you can’t keep your job with one hand.”
Jaime, “Where is that in my contract? Kingsguard is ride or die.”
Tywin, “Look, the war is over and this is awkward, but no one really needs you anymore. Joffrey’s totally safe.”
Jaime, “Is he? Cause I personally know about a hundred people who would kill him right now if they could, and not even because he’s king, just for the joy of it.”
Tywin, “Look you’ve been gone a long time, he was kept alive the whole time you were gone. You can go home and no one will even notice.”
Jaime, “Say what now?”
Tywin, “Casterly Rock, you can go and rule.”
Tywin:
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Jaime, “But that’s your house.”
Tywin, “I am the King’s Hand, and unlike the other ones, I’m not an idiot. I know how this position works and no way am I making it back to Casterly Rock. Plus I’m old as shit, it’s time for you to fulfill the destiny I have painstakingly planned for you.” 
Jaime, “My life is 95% getting shit for violating the number one rule of being in the Kingsguard; don’t kill the king. I’m not going to violate the second rule; don’t leave until you’re dead.”
Tywin, “Joffrey kicked Barristan to the curb even though he wasn’t dead, and that worked out perfectly. He’s not secretly aiding a usurper across the narrow sea or anything. So there’s total precedent for him to fire you.”
Jaime, “No.”
Tywin, “No?”
Jaime, “No.”
Tywin, “Okay, I really wasn’t asking.”
Jaime, “Doesn’t matter.”
Tywin, “You’re going to put your fucking honor before - “
Jaime, “Nobody gives a fuck about my honor, least of all me,” he lies, “but my answer is still ‘no.’ I don’t want your stupid castle.”
Tywin, “Doesn’t anyone want Casterly Rock?”
Tyrion, “I’LL TAKE IT!”
Tywin, “Anyone?”
Tyrion, “ME!”
Tywin, “God, I can’t give this thing away.”
Jaime, “Look marriage isn’t really my bag.”
Tywin:
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Jaime:
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Tywin, “You’ll get your inheritance and you’ll live in our giant mansion and you will keep the Lannister name going by reminding people of how sick we are and making them eat it.”
Tywin:
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Jaime, “Not really feeling it.”
Tywin, “Are you insane? You just spent two entire seasons covered in shit walking half the continent on foot. Don’t you want a change of pace? Get a steady job with benefits, knock off everyday at 5 PM? Go home watch some Netflix and relax? You won’t have to deal with Joffrey’s shit everyday, or mine. I am asking you to do the literal easiest thing you could do. There are two options in King’s Landing, 1. Get murdered and 2. Get tortured gruesomely and then get murdered. I’m giving you an out.”
Tywin:
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Jaime, “I don’t want a wife, I don’t want children, and I don’t want to be no lord of no Casterly Rock.”
Tywin, “Well then the fuck do you want?”
Jaime, “To fuck my sister and for everyone to get off my nuts.”
Tywin, “How are all three of my children such massive disappointments?”
Jaime, “Well you are a pretty awful parent.”
Tywin, “For forty years…”
Jaime, “Wait, am I forty??”
Tywin, “Yes.”
Jaime, “Alright.”
Tywin, “Anyway, for forty long years I’ve tried to teach you, but it’s too fucking late now. If you want to crush all my hopes and dreams by becoming a nun, I can’t stop you.”
Jaime, “I assume this means I can’t keep the sword.”
Tywin, “Consider it a parting gift. We’re done. Every time you use it I want you to think about me and all the ways you disappointed me.”
Jaime:
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“You are my son -”
“I am a knight of the Kingsguard. The Lord Commander of the Kingsguard! And that’s all I mean to be!”
Firelight gleamed golden in the stiff whiskers that framed Lord Tywin’s face. A vein pulsed in his neck, but he did not speak. And did not speak. And did not speak.
The strained silence went on until it was more than Jaime could endure. “Father…” he began.
“You are not my son.” Lord Tywin turned his face away. “You say you are the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, and only that. Very well, ser. Go do your duty.”

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Season 1, Episode 5 

It’s a beautiful day in King’s Landing and interns are hard at work setting up the Ren Fair for the day. Ned Stark is on a mission to finally figure out what the fuck is going on.

Ser Hugh Medical Tent!
Selmy’s already there watching the nurses stitch up Ser Hugh’s throat. 
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Ned, “How’s it going, ladies?”
Ned:
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Today we are all Lisa Simpson.
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I’ll have more in the recap but I just wanted to check in with everyone and pour some out for one of the best fictional characters in one of the best fictional series. After going through the seven stages of grief and finally coming to acceptance, I will say that shit like this is what I love most about GRRM as a writer. The pure guts to kill the hero of your story not once, but twice, and trust that you will be able to pick up the pieces after dropping a bomb like that and that the audience will follow you, it takes brass balls. But just because I admire it doesn’t make it hurt any less.  So today we gather to honor the fallen:

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Recap, Season 3, Episode 8

(Sorry this is so late guys! My little sister was in town and stayed with me this past week and really cramped my recapping game. But I think the Starks would agree with me that family comes first. Also the Lannisters. You know what, let’s move on.)

Previously: Robb got naked, Theon got castrated, Talisa got knocked up, Gendry found out the results of his paternity test, Ygritte learned some important lessons about eco friendly technology, and Jaime jumped into a bear pit and all of our hearts to save Brienne.

Off the bat this episode:
No Robb.
No Jon.
No Jaime.
No Theon.
Boys! I miss you! (Except you Theon. You should stay away for a while.)

Woods!
Arya wakes up staring at a rock. She’s weighing the pros and cons of bashing Sandor in the head with it. Because she’s Arya Stark head-bashing wins and she creeps over to where the Hound is sleeping, but she’s not as quiet as Syrio taught her to be and the Hound hears her coming from a mile away. (You know what would fix this problem Sandor? A blanket burrito! (In the books the Hound deals with the fierceness of Arya Stark by wrapping her up in a blanket bundle that she can’t get out of. It’s surprisingly adorable.))
Hound, “I’ll give you one shot, kill me and you’re free, fail and I’ll break both your hands.”
Arya agrees with the audience that there’s been too much hand violence on the show recently and gives up.
Later they’re riding and Arya sits sidesaddle in the front. (For two ruthless killers they sure are cute.)
The Hound offers her food and she rejects it.
Hound:
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Hound, “You’re in a bad mood.”
Arya:
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Hound, “You’re actually super lucky I found you and not someone worse.”
Arya, “Nope. Pretty sure you’re the absolute worst.”
Hound, “Pretty sure that’s my brother. He’s so intense he once killed a man for snoring.” (Okay is that really the best example Sandor? I’ve almost killed someone for snoring. A car alarm went off outside my apartment for an hour the other night at 2 AM and if murder would have stopped it, I would have considered it.) 
Hound, “At least I’m not physically abusive or a rapist.”
Arya, “Okay the men of Westoros need to set a higher bar for themselves. You don’t get a prize for not raping a child. It’s just what you should do.”
Hound, “I know that, I actually save people from being raped. People like, I don’t know, your sister. Why don’t you ask her the next time you see her who saved her when she was being attacked at Flea Bottom?” 
(Sandor!!! You’re gossiping with Arya about Sansa!)
Hound, “No but seriously, does she think I’m  a hero? Also what does she think about my hair? Cause I’ve been thinking of doing it a different way.” (Hound, we have got to get you an age appropriate love interest.)
Arya, “Is that the Blackwater?”
Hound, “Do you have any idea where we are?”
Arya, “Not really no. But you’re the King’s dog? You kill little boys when he tells you to, aren’t you bringing me back to him?”
Hound, “That was before my mental breakdown. I said it once, I’ll say it again, Fuck Joffrey, Fuck the Queen. I’m not going back there. Not now, not ever. That’s the Red Fork, I’m taking you to the Twins.”
Arya, “Why?”
Hound, “Because your mom and brother are there and I’m going to do what the audience has wanted for three seasons and reunite some Starks…for a small fee of course.”
Me:
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Arya even smiles a little bit! Wolf girl!!
Arya, “Wait, why is my family hanging out with the Freys? God things are worse than I thought.”
Hound, “The Brotherhood didn’t tell you? Dicks. It’s on the front page of every tabloid, your Uncle is marrying one of the Frey girls. So if you quit trying to kill me, we might make it there in time for the rehearsal dinner.”
Arya, “It really is lucky that I was caught by you wasn’t it?”
Hound, “That’s what I was trying to tell you.”
Arya, “Sorry I tried to bash your head in with a rock.”
Hound , “I get the impulse.”
Arya, “You wanna talk more about Sansa?”
Hound, “Do I ever!”
Arya, “Well does she know you have a crush on her?”
Hound:
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Yunkai!!
Daenerys is adorably hiding behind a wall with her awesome headscarf.
Barristan, “I don’t trust mercenaries. People need to be bound by their word and honor.”
Jorah, “I know that was a dig at me old man! Hurtful. And these guys will kill you if they get a big enough check.”
Daenerys, “So you know them?”
Jorah, “I recognize their team logo, they’re called the Second Sons. They’re a company led by a Bravosi named Mero, the Titan’s bastard. They are not pleasant.”
Daenerys, “Is he more titan or bastard?”
Jorah, “He is all bastard, all of the bastard.”
Daenerys, “How many are there?”
Barristan, “2,000.”
Daenerys, “Enough to fuck up my plans to sack the city?”
Barristan, “Probably.”
Daenerys gets her thinking face on, “It’s hard to collect wages from a corpse. I’m sure sellswords like to fight for the winning side.”
Jorah, “Right as ever you are.”
Daenerys, “I’d like to talk to the Titan’s bastard about who’s going to be the winning side.”
Barristan, “Like I don’t get it cause I think you’re awesome, but he doesn’t know that, he might not want to meet with you.”
Daenerys eyes get scary again and she gets serious, “Oh no, he will, you aren’t always aware of sexism because of your privilege, but I get how it works, a man that fights for gold can’t afford to lose to a girl.”

 

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Recap: Season 3, Episode 5

Previously: We lost Craster (yay!) and Mormont (no!), Catelyn threw Bran out of a tree, Sam and Gilly set out on a road trip of their own, Jaime briefly flirted with anorexia, Theon cried, Daenerys unhinged her jaw and ate the entire world, etc.

This Episode:
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Only The Good Die Young!
Thoros and Beric are about to have their rumble in the cave.
Me:
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Thoros, “Xenu save us!”
Everyone, “Xenu save us!”
Thoros, “If the Hound is innocent, let him kill my friend. If he is guilty, let my friend kill him.”
Everyone, “For the night is dark and full of terrors.”
Brotherhood:
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The Hound’s getting himself psyched up, pretty convinced he has this in the bag. 
The Hound:
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Beric cuts his hand, spilling his blood on his sword. Then he whispers softly, “dracarys,” and the sword LIGHTS ON FUCKING FIRE.
Hound:
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Beric:
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And then they FIGHT. FIGHT. FIGHT.
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Me:
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This fight is so cool and so well choreographed. I died. I loved this fight so much and they do such a good job with it (as always.)
Me:
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Then in the melee, the Hound catches on fire!
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(I feel like it gets lost in all the child murdering, but the Hound is being very brave! He’s so afraid of fire! And for a total nihilist, he’s fighting very hard for his life here!)
He doesn’t have much support from the stands. Everyone’s chanting, “Guilty! Guilty!”
Arya, is more direct, “Kill Him! KILL HIM!”
Beric is doing a great job, and he has the whole fire advantage but the Hound is a huge beast and isn’t going down easy.
The Hound:
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Then the Hound, still on fire,  BRINGS UP HIS SWORD AND CUTS BERIC’S SWORD IN HALF STABBING BERIC.
Everyone:
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Beric falls over with a giant chest wound and a sword sticking out of his shoulder. The Hound stops, drops, and rolls.
Thoros jumps on top of Beric, “Xenu put the thetons back in his body.”
Arya has had enough of this bullshit and grabs a sword and goes running full speed at the Hound, because there’s no situation she can’t make better by running in half cocked and fully armed.
Gendry’s the only one with eyes on Arya and runs after her shouting, “ARYA, DON’T!” And then he GRABS HER and tackles her to the ground! Gendry! Why are you so wonderful!
Me:
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Arya, “No! Let go of me!”
Gendry, “No! You can’t just murder people!”
Arya, “Why not? Everyone else does!”
Hound, “Looks like the gods love me more than your butchers boy.”
Arya:
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The Hound:
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And then Beric stands up. ALIVE. 
Beric:
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Everyone:
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Beric, “Oh, he’ll go to hell, just not today.”
Brotherhood:
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Recap Season 3, Episode 4

Previously: Jaime lost his fucking hand. That’s it. That’s all you need to know.

This. 
Episode.
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Benioff and Weiss are out of control and need to be stopped before they ruin television for everyone. 


She is Suffering! 
(The episode starts in the depths of despair and raises us to the heights of exaltation. But this opening scene is rough. So rough I had a moment of “maybe this show is getting too dark for me,” (and then the end happened and it was fine, but Jesus Fucking Christ is this dark.)) 
Jaime is on his horse with his hand TIED AROUND HIS NECK.  
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And he is just a empty shell of a man. There is nothing happening behind those eyes and it is so grim and sad. This isn’t how our sparkly, witty Jaime is supposed to be!  Two seconds in and my heart is already on the floor.image
Locke, “Hey, can we sodomize you with your amputated hand?” 
Congratulations Locke! You are fast becoming the worst person in the Seven Kingdoms. You have some steep competition, but you are getting there.
Me: 
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Locke, “Is that the kind of thing you and Cersei used to do?” (Okay, can we stop with the ass rapes Game of Thrones? And rapes full stop? Can we all get on the same page with that? (Also no judgment if that’s what they’re into Locke! (You could actually probably use it.)) 
It’s super sad because old Jaime would have some biting comeback about Locke’s obsession with his sex life but new Jaime just stares numbly into the distance.
Brienne is the only one who has her eye on the catatonic disaster that Jaime has become, because she’s the only one who spent months listening to him babble on for days and gets how out of character he’s being. 
Me:
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She sees Jaime start slumping out of his saddle and can’t do anything to stop it.  She calls out for the others to help him.
Locke:
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Then Jaime falls off his horse and face plants in the MUD. This is just some Theon levels of degradation right here. (Maybe this is the curse you suffer if you attempt to kill Bran Stark? The complete and total destruction of your soul?)
Locke, “LOL, I’m totally Instagramming this. Hashtag, #fuckedupkingslayer.” 
Then Jaime starts begging for water (begging these assholes must be so hard for him!)
Me:
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Locke, “You sure you don’t want a back pillow?”
Jaime, “Just the water.”
And then one of the men approaches and opens his water and DUMPS IT ON JAIME’S HEAD.
Me:
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Brienne is 400% done with their shit and is ready to start busting heads to protect her pal. 
Jaime, “If I die my father won’t give you any gold.”
Locke, “Oh that’s enough out of you.”  Like Jaime is being a whiny bitch in this scenario. 
Me to Locke:
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Locke gives him a wine skin and Jaime drinks all of it. 
Locke, “I’ve never seen someone drink horse piss that fast.”  (Locke, why do you have a wine skin filled with piss? How did you get that? Why is that a thing you carry on you?) 
Jaime vomits up the horse piss while everyone laughs at him.
Me:
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Jaime:
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Locke:
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They haul him up and Jaime ELBOWS a dude in the face and steals his sword, because even the empty shell of Jaime Lannister still has moves. (Also how sad that they aren’t chaining him up anymore because the once great Kingslayer isn’t even a threat.) Despite using his non-dominant hand, Jaime puts up a heartbreakingly good fight. Brienne hops off her horse to help him (because they lurrve each other) and even tied up, without a sword she still takes out like four dudes cause she’s a bad ass bitch. But they are hopelessly outnumbered and they finally corral Brienne and beat Jaime into submission.
Me:
imageLocke literally kicks Jaime while he’s down and steps on his HAND until he lets go of the sword.   
Locke, “You do that again and I’ll take your other hand.”
Jaime, “Yeah you won, I lost. I get it.” 
They close up on Jaime’s mud covered face with his dead hand beside him.
Me:
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Recap: Episode 7, Season 2

Previously: Botched beheadings, Littlefinger being everywhere, Mycella winning a free trip to Dorne, Taunting, Cow pies, Joffrey being slapped, Intestines being ripped out, Robb and Jon awkwardly flirting with people who aren’t each other, Spooning with wildlings, Shae and Sansa bonding, Operation Hot Mother, Dothraki massacres, Dragon theft, etc. etc.

Winterfell!
Theon wakes up in the morning and rolls over, shocked to find Osha gone. (Which I find very hard to believe that’s the first time that’s happened to him (or the last.)) He then discovers that he has somehow botched the easiest siege in the war.
Theon:
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Outside everyone’s looking at the sailor whose throat Osha cut last episode.
Theon, “So let me get this straight, you were outsmarted by a eight year old cripple and a giant who’s vocabulary is limited to his own name?”
Cranky Bald Sailor, “No we were outwitted by an eight year old cripple and a giant who only says his own name and Rickon.”
Theon, “Who?”
Cranky Bald Sailor, “Let’s just agree that this reflects poorly on all of us. And btw that wildling lady you boned last night is gone too, so this is mostly your fault.” 
Theon, “You’re gonna step to me like that? Don’t you know I’m loco.”And then he turns around and punches the dude right in the face. (Cranky bald dude, you talked a big game for someone who gets taken down by one punch by Theon Greyjoy.) Theon hilariously hurts his hand doing this because he’s incapable of doing anything that doesn’t backfire. Since he’s too injured to continue hitting the dude he starts kicking him.
Everyone, “This is….pretty much the leadership we expected from this guy honestly.”
Cranky Bald Dude:
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Theon, “Rickon and Theon escaped. This means one thing. Rampage.
Luwin, “What?”
Theon, “I’m gonna cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war!”
Luwin, “It’s dogs of war.”
Theon, “Whatever farm animal of war! Geez.”
Cleftjaw:
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I’m not a doctor but if Cleftjaw likes you, odds are you’re doing something wrong.

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