A Song of Ice and Lolz
"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "
Contact: asongoficeandlolz@gmail.com
Recap: Season 2 Episode 9
Previously: Duffel bags full of daggers, Jaime and Brienne roadtripping, Ros getting the short end of the stick yet again, Failed attempt at assassinating Tywin Lannister, Successful attempt at assassinating a bunch of guards, Qhorin losing his hat, The complete rewriting of the Arya, Robb and Catelyn characters, Meeting the Lord of Bones, Jon becoming a secret double agent, Everyone being called a cunt, Me: 
Etc.
This is it guys! 
Right upfront: This. This is television so good it surpasses television. Let’s stop fucking around and just submit this shit to the Oscars. (They have what? 15 best picture nominees now? One could be a television episode. Who’s gonna argue? It’s a little late for them to squabble about the rules.) Peter Dinklage should be nominated for and win an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor (which he can only lose to Matthew McConaughey for Magic Mike.)
Boats!
Davos is standing on a deck looking out at the fuck ton of boats that Stannis has at his disposal. All the sailors on the ships are mentally preparing themselves for battle, looking how I look before a big test. One guy gets up and vomits. Which, dude! That’d be me! (Also is that a barrel filled with just vomit?? Why would you have that?)
Stannis is preternaturally calm:
Matthos, “The wind is against us.”
Davos, “It will blow us to King’s Landing.”
Matthos, “You excited to go home?”
Davos, “I haven’t thought of King’s Landing as home in 20 years. It’s more a place I lived that one time. What’s weird is I’m still not used to wearing my captain’s hat vs. my pirate’s hat. I spent most of my life dodging the royal fleet.”
Matthos, “Uhh correction: This is the royal fleet and you are the high captain.”
Davos, “Well, I am one of many captains of many royal fleets.”
Matthos, “Not for long. After tonight, Stannis is going to be king and you’ll be his hand.”
Davos, “Gods willing.”
Matthos, “There is only the creepy red god!”
Davos, “Yeah, I know all about your weirdo god.”
Matthos, “But everybody in King’s Landing and the audience wants us to kill Joffrey.”
Davos, “Right but to do that we first have to win this battle. One step at a time.”
Matthos, “But our army outnumbers them 5-1!!!”
Davos, “But war is chaos and who knows what tricks Tyrion has up his sleeve. Add to that the fact that the walls of King’s Landing have never been breached and they won’t see us as liberators so much as people coming to set their shit on fire and this is going to get pretty complicated.”
Matthos, “I trust you and I love you.”
Davos, “That is super sweet.”
And Salladhor Saan prepares all his boats:
Recap: Episode 2, Season 2
Previously: Red Comets, Shots, Leaky holdfasts, Craster, Nose bleeds, Power is power, Some light interior design, Robb being sassy, Joffrey being slapped, Infanticide, Guyliner etc.
Credits! 
The King’s Road!
Arya is having a very stressful pee away from everyone where every little noise makes her jump because it could be someone from the Night’s Watch and she’d have to explain her unusual peeing technique. She gathers up some firewood and we meet:
Jaqen H’ghar
Likes: Referring to himself in the third person, Arya Stark, The Sharper Image Catalog, Hair dye, Basic courtesies, The Maltese Falcon
Dislikes: Faces, Uncouth people, Not being sly or mysterious, Russell Crowe, The Superbowl Half-Time Show
Jaqen, “I realize I’m locked in a cage with some particularly gross dudes but please don’t misjudge me, I am quite the sophisticated gentleman and was wondering if you could possibly make this a little more civilized and give me some water? You have a certain badassness to yourself that I identify with.”
Arya’s face:
Prisoner, “A variety of disgusting things that if someone had said to me at Arya’s age would have done irreparable psychological damage.” Arya doesn’t even mind, she just grabs one of her sticks and starts whacking at the cage, because no one steps to Arya Stark and gets away with it. 
