"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "
Recap Season 3, Episode 10
Christmas comes early for Roose Bolton, who climbs to the top of the Twins so he can get the best seat possible to watch as the Freys decimate the drunk Stark army and it is brutal.
They’re hanging them, lighting them on fire, chopping off legs, doing all the disgusting things Freys do when given a small amount of power.
Roose loves it:
The Hound has tiny passed out Arya on his lap and smartly grabs a Frey banner as he attempts to get them out of there. (I like that quick thinking Hound, branding is important. Keep your head in the game. Everyone we love is dead, we need you to stay alive!) He’s trying to get them out of there, when from the castle a group of people emerges chanting, “The King In The North!”
This is the worst thing in the world. Worst than anything the show has done before. They bring Robb out and they have sewed Grey Wind’s head to his body.
I can’t believe they showed it.
It’s just too much.
Arya wakes up just in time to see this.
And she was right to be nervous last episode, all her worst fears are coming true!
And she had to be there when Ned was beheaded, now this too.
Arya loses whatever sanity she had left while behind her the Stark banners burn.
It’s almost too much to handle.
Tyrion and Sansa are enjoying a lovely mid afternoon stroll with Shae in the gardens. Two shitty bros walk by and giggle at them. Tyrion begins muttering their names under his breath.
Tyrion, “Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall, Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall …”
Sansa, “You okay there Rain Man?”
Tyrion, “Yeah, sorry, just updating my list.”
Sansa, “A murder list?”
Tyrion, “For laughing at me? Do I look like Joffrey?”
Sansa, “No, but you are a Lannister, so I thought I’d double check.”
Tyrion, “I may be a Lannister but I’m not a monster.”
Sansa, “You call him that too?! Oh isn’t it great, we can talk like this!”
Tyrion, “Murder and mayhem isn’t really my style. I prefer a more subtle terror…”
Sansa, like every mom ever, ”You should learn to ignore them.”
Tyrion, “Uh, yeah thanks for the condescending advice. But I’ve been dealing with this since the moment I was born. You’ve only had a bad few years. Constant laughing and belittlement really eats away at the soul in a way that can’t be dismissed by self help platitudes. I am the half man, the demon monkey, the imp.”
Sansa, “Yeah, but at least your family still runs shit. I am the disgraced daughter of the traitor Ned Stark.”
Tyrion, “The disgraced daughter and the demon monkey, we’re perfect for each other.” And Sansa smiles!! And laughs!
Tyrion looks back at Shae.
Shae, “You’re friends now? That’s greeeaaat.”
Sansa, “So, alright I’m on board, how are we gonna do it?”
Tyrion, “Do what?”
Sansa, “Punish those two yokels for making fun of you.”
Tyrion, “Oh, that. Full disclosure, what I usually do is talk to Varys, get their internet history, and then blackmail them with whatever creepy stuff they’re into. It will definitely work on those dudes, anyone called Desmond Crakehall must be a pervert.”
Sansa, “Yeah well, popular opinion is that you’re a total pervert, but I know for a fact that you’re not.”
Tyrion, “Hey now, that’s our little secret. I’m the imp, I have a reputation I have to live down to.”
Sansa is lolzing and really excited, she takes a seat to look Tyrion in the eye and it’s the youngest we’ve seen her be in forever! (I love their bonding.)
Sansa, “I’ve got an idea!”
Tyrion, “Well get in here girl, let’s hear it.”
Sansa, “We could put sheep shift in Ser Desmond’s bed.”
Shae, “What now?”
Sansa, “You cut a little hole in his mattress and you stuff sheep shift inside. Then you sew up the hole and make his bed again. His room will stink, but he won’t know where it’s coming from.”
Tyrion, “Welcome to the party Lady Sansa! Look at you Starks being fun, I didn’t know that was a thing you did.” (I want Sansa and Tyrion to have an extended montage where they run around King’s Landing pulling pranks on people. They can toilet paper the Red Keep, put tacks on the Iron throne, Nair in Cersei’s shampoo bottle, general hi-jinks. Varys can assist. It would be great. (But also guys, if you’re gonna be pranking anyone, let’s start with Joffrey.))
Sansa, “Things used to get pretty wild at Winterfell. Arya used to do that when she was pissed at me, and she was pissed at me a lot.”
Tyrion, “I like where you’re going with this, but one quick question, what is “sheep shift?”“
Sansa, conspiratorially, “In the North, that’s the vulgar word for dung.” (Also sidebar! Arya! That is disgusting! If there was shit anywhere near my bed, I would burn my apartment to the ground and move.)
And Tyrion can’t stop himself from being charmed by her because she’s being super cute right now.
Sansa, “Well you asked!”
Tyrion, “No, I love it, diabolical in its simplicity. It’s perfect.”
Then Podrick comes running through the garden, tripping over fangirls on his way.
Podrick, “Allow me to interrupt this beautiful moment forever, but Small Council calls.”
What you will need for this episode:
1. Glass filled with ice.
2. Bottle of whiskey.
3. Friend you can slap/punch repeatedly.
Previously: In 1991 George R.R. Martin had an idea for a series of fantasy novels. He started mapping out the story and told the devil his plans:
People began reading his books and assumed that the Starks were the heroes of the story and that they would eventually triumph. People were wrong.
Are we ready?
Let’s do this.
We open with ominous music and a map of Casterly Rock with fun handmade Lannister/Stark chess pieces on it. It’s a literal illustration of how fucked Robb is.
Catelyn, “Are you sure about this?”
Robb, “Not even a little. But we need to hurt Tywin somehow, if we take Casterly Rock we will embarrass him in front of everyone and the one thing Tywin can never be is embarrassed. Plus he probably has a lot of gold stashed there and don’t you kinda wanna go through his stuff? I bet he’s got some weird shit. Like he’s a secret bronie or something.”
Catelyn, “Aren’t I usually off screen for your strategy sessions? Don’t you wanna get your foreign born wife in here for a basic geography lesson?”
Robb, “I find myself in need of some motherly advice.”
Catelyn, “From me?”
Robb, “Yes, let’s count the things you were right about. Number 1. Don’t let Theon negotiate with his father. Number 2. Don’t break my engagement. Number 3. Don’t kill Karstark. Basically if I had just followed your advice from the beginning Bran and Rickon would be lolling at Winterfell and I’d be sitting on the Iron Throne right now, brokering a peace treaty with Daenerys. Drogon and Greywind would be such good friends! It would be amazing! Instead here we are waiting outside the Twins about to go kiss Walder Frey’s ass. So tell me, what do you think, is it a good plan?”
Catelyn, “Can you pull it off?”
Robb, “As long as Walder Frey is not a total dick.”
Catelyn, “That’s a big if. Look at your map, if Tywin has his shit together - “
Robb, “Safe assumption.”
Catelyn, “- and reinforcements arrive from King’s Landing before we take the castle, we’ll be caught between Tywin’s army and the sea.”
Robb, “Alright. If we die, we die, but first we’ll live.”
Catelyn, “Fair enough, what have we got to lose?”
Me, “YOUR LIVES!!!”
Catelyn, “Let’s do it. Show them how it feels to lose what they love.”
The Twins!! (No!!! Go away Twins!!!)
The Stark army arrives with Greywind leading the pack.
Greywind!!!! Turn back!
Inside the castle, Walder Frey greets the Starks.
Walder, “My honored guests, I extend to you my hospitality and protection in the light of the seven.”
Robb, “We thank you for your hospitality my lord.”
Everyone eats whatever gross bread Walder Frey had laying around.
Walder, “You have entered my home and eaten my food therefore by the Geneva Conventions and all agreed upon laws of war, I am forbidden from harming you in any manner and you are forbidden from harming me. We have a truce for as long as you are in my house and if either of us breaks it let the wrath of the old gods and the new rain down on our heads.”
Robb, “That sounds like an excellent deal. So I’ve come to…”
Walder, “You’ve come to eat crow.”
Robb, “Yep let’s get this over with.”
Robb, “I am sorry Mr. Walder for any pain…”
Walder, “Nope, don’t apologize to me. Apologize to my daughters.” And then he calls out all his daughters and granddaughters to stand in a semi circle like chattel which is humiliating for everyone involved. (And ladies, I feel for you, I do, but we have gotta fix your dos, a center part doesn’t work on anyone!) Then Walder goes down and lists all their names in the weirdest most insane roll call of all time, and their names are fucking nuts, each one crazier than the last. He has ginger twins named Sara and Sarah, which, come the fuck on dude, as if these poor girls haven’t suffered enough. I’m pretty sure one of them is named Freya, so her name is “Freya Frey.” He gets to the last one and can’t even remember her name and starts guessing.
Walder, “I don’t know, Waldina or some shit?” (Waldina? Really Walder you’re not even trying.)
Merry, “My name is Merry.”
Walder, “And this is my youngest, though she hasn’t bled yet and apparently you don’t have the patience for all that.”
Robb, “Holy shit are you disgusting. Moving on, my ladies, all men should keep their word, kings most of all, I was pledged to marry one of you and I broke that vow.”
Robb, “The fault is not with you, any man would be lucky to marry one of you.”
Robb, “I didn’t do it because you weren’t great, because all you ladies are.”
Robb, “You all deserve love and happiness like the kind I found. I know I can’t say anything that will make this right, but I hope that within time we can be friends.”
Frey Girls, “It’s like fine.”
And Walder Frey fucking gives him a slow clap for his performance.
Walder, “Well done, well done. Now you know what I need?”
Everyone, “A vasectomy?”
Walder, “No, I need to be introduced to my new queen.”
Then Walder calls Talisa forward, and I’m assuming Robb had a convo with her warning her of how unpleasant this was going to be, but nothing could have prepared her for Walder Frey publicly and loudly inspecting her body. It’s not worth repeating but suffice to say, it’s disgusting.
Walder, “I’d thought you’d at least try to hide your pregnant belly by standing behind a plant or something.”
Talisa, “Yeah that would have been smart.”
Walder, “No, being smart would be not bringing Talisa in the first place.”
Catelyn, “I know!”
Walder, “You are super hot. Your king says he betrayed me for love, I say he betrayed me for firm tits.”
Everyone, “What is wrong with you?”
Robb’s finally had enough and goes forward to stab Walder and ruin this whole truce and Catelyn puts out her hand and pinches his arm until he steps back.
Walder, “Don’t get me wrong, I respect it. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. When I was your age I would have broke fifty oaths to get into that without a second thought.”
Talisa, “”That?” Really? Come on.”
Walder, “I don’t have enough room for your men, we’ll set up tents outside.”
Robb, with so much venom, “Thank you my lord.”
Walder, claps his hands together, “Well let’s get ready for the wedding, the wine will flow RED and the music will play loud and we’ll all have a grand old time.”
Today we are all Lisa Simpson.
I’ll have more in the recap but I just wanted to check in with everyone and pour some out for one of the best fictional characters in one of the best fictional series. After going through the seven stages of grief and finally coming to acceptance, I will say that shit like this is what I love most about GRRM as a writer. The pure guts to kill the hero of your story not once, but twice, and trust that you will be able to pick up the pieces after dropping a bomb like that and that the audience will follow you, it takes brass balls. But just because I admire it doesn’t make it hurt any less. So today we gather to honor the fallen:
(Sorry this is so late guys! My little sister was in town and stayed with me this past week and really cramped my recapping game. But I think the Starks would agree with me that family comes first. Also the Lannisters. You know what, let’s move on.)
Previously: Robb got naked, Theon got castrated, Talisa got knocked up, Gendry found out the results of his paternity test, Ygritte learned some important lessons about eco friendly technology, and Jaime jumped into a bear pit and all of our hearts to save Brienne.
Off the bat this episode:
Boys! I miss you! (Except you Theon. You should stay away for a while.)
Arya wakes up staring at a rock. She’s weighing the pros and cons of bashing Sandor in the head with it. Because she’s Arya Stark head-bashing wins and she creeps over to where the Hound is sleeping, but she’s not as quiet as Syrio taught her to be and the Hound hears her coming from a mile away. (You know what would fix this problem Sandor? A blanket burrito! (In the books the Hound deals with the fierceness of Arya Stark by wrapping her up in a blanket bundle that she can’t get out of. It’s surprisingly adorable.))
Hound, “I’ll give you one shot, kill me and you’re free, fail and I’ll break both your hands.”
Arya agrees with the audience that there’s been too much hand violence on the show recently and gives up.
Later they’re riding and Arya sits sidesaddle in the front. (For two ruthless killers they sure are cute.)
The Hound offers her food and she rejects it.
Hound, “You’re in a bad mood.”
Hound, “You’re actually super lucky I found you and not someone worse.”
Arya, “Nope. Pretty sure you’re the absolute worst.”
Hound, “Pretty sure that’s my brother. He’s so intense he once killed a man for snoring.” (Okay is that really the best example Sandor? I’ve almost killed someone for snoring. A car alarm went off outside my apartment for an hour the other night at 2 AM and if murder would have stopped it, I would have considered it.)
Hound, “At least I’m not physically abusive or a rapist.”
Arya, “Okay the men of Westoros need to set a higher bar for themselves. You don’t get a prize for not raping a child. It’s just what you should do.”
Hound, “I know that, I actually save people from being raped. People like, I don’t know, your sister. Why don’t you ask her the next time you see her who saved her when she was being attacked at Flea Bottom?”
(Sandor!!! You’re gossiping with Arya about Sansa!)
Hound, “No but seriously, does she think I’m a hero? Also what does she think about my hair? Cause I’ve been thinking of doing it a different way.” (Hound, we have got to get you an age appropriate love interest.)
Arya, “Is that the Blackwater?”
Hound, “Do you have any idea where we are?”
Arya, “Not really no. But you’re the King’s dog? You kill little boys when he tells you to, aren’t you bringing me back to him?”
Hound, “That was before my mental breakdown. I said it once, I’ll say it again, Fuck Joffrey, Fuck the Queen. I’m not going back there. Not now, not ever. That’s the Red Fork, I’m taking you to the Twins.”
Hound, “Because your mom and brother are there and I’m going to do what the audience has wanted for three seasons and reunite some Starks…for a small fee of course.”
Arya even smiles a little bit! Wolf girl!!
Arya, “Wait, why is my family hanging out with the Freys? God things are worse than I thought.”
Hound, “The Brotherhood didn’t tell you? Dicks. It’s on the front page of every tabloid, your Uncle is marrying one of the Frey girls. So if you quit trying to kill me, we might make it there in time for the rehearsal dinner.”
Arya, “It really is lucky that I was caught by you wasn’t it?”
Hound, “That’s what I was trying to tell you.”
Arya, “Sorry I tried to bash your head in with a rock.”
Hound , “I get the impulse.”
Arya, “You wanna talk more about Sansa?”
Hound, “Do I ever!”
Arya, “Well does she know you have a crush on her?”
Daenerys is adorably hiding behind a wall with her awesome headscarf.
Barristan, “I don’t trust mercenaries. People need to be bound by their word and honor.”
Jorah, “I know that was a dig at me old man! Hurtful. And these guys will kill you if they get a big enough check.”
Daenerys, “So you know them?”
Jorah, “I recognize their team logo, they’re called the Second Sons. They’re a company led by a Bravosi named Mero, the Titan’s bastard. They are not pleasant.”
Daenerys, “Is he more titan or bastard?”
Jorah, “He is all bastard, all of the bastard.”
Daenerys, “How many are there?”
Daenerys, “Enough to fuck up my plans to sack the city?”
Daenerys gets her thinking face on, “It’s hard to collect wages from a corpse. I’m sure sellswords like to fight for the winning side.”
Jorah, “Right as ever you are.”
Daenerys, “I’d like to talk to the Titan’s bastard about who’s going to be the winning side.”
Barristan, “Like I don’t get it cause I think you’re awesome, but he doesn’t know that, he might not want to meet with you.”
Daenerys eyes get scary again and she gets serious, “Oh no, he will, you aren’t always aware of sexism because of your privilege, but I get how it works, a man that fights for gold can’t afford to lose to a girl.”
Recap Season 3, Episode 7
(Sorry this recap is late! In my defense, I was at festival that had an Urban Ren Faire, so I feel like I was doing Game of Thrones related activities. (It was wonderful, there was a guy dressed as a centaur who looked exactly like Devon Sawa in the 90’s.) So the bad news is the recap is up late, the good news is I found the love of my life and he’s dancing to techno dressed as a centaur at an Urban Ren Faire tent in Brooklyn. Don’t know how I’m going to explain that to my parents.)
Previously, Flaying, Epileptic fits, Lullabies, Wall climbing, Wall falling, Gendry stealing, Freys freying, Littlefinger leaving, and Tywin admitting (with his eyes) his bisexuality.
The Wildlings have crossed the Wall and are making their way to Castle Black. It will take them a week to get there, so they have time for Jon and Ygritte to flirt and for Orell to insert himself into their relationship.
Jon and Ygritte have a long conversation about Wildling fighting vs. Seven Kingdoms fighting where Ygritte makes fun of the Westori for being pansies and banging drums and carrying banners (I’ve always wondered about that too Ygritte! Mostly because I always thought that seemed like a cool job? Like, if I ever had to go to war, I’d like to be the one holding the banner? Let’s not unpack it.) Jon explains to her that it’s all part of the discipline and traditions of a first world country, like having roads and a postal service.
Ygritte, “It just seems silly to have drummers. It’s war not a Step Up movie.”
Jon, “Well excuse us for having a sense of occasion. Also they help the men march.”
Ygritte, “You forget how to walk? “And she hops up and starts jumping around, making fun of marching soldiers and they’re both lolling.
Jon, “No if you want a bunch of people to work and fight as a unit they have to do it as the same beat. You Wildlings don’t get it.”
Ygritte, “No we don’t. When we attack we sure as shit won’t be banging any fucking drums.”
Jon, “No you’ll just be lighting a giant fire. That’s much more discreet.”
Ygritte, “One more time as a family!” And the entire group of Wildlings yell, “You know nothing Jon Snow!!” And she walks away. Orell approaches Jon. (Orell has taken it on himself to be Jon and Ygritte’s relationship counselor. I guess because turning into a bird, climbing the wall and planning an attack on the Night’s Watch is super boring and he has nothing else to do?)
Orell, “She’s right.”
Jon, “And then there’s this asshole. I know you cut me loose.”
Orell, “Cut her loose too.”
Orell, “Don’t see her bitching about it. That’s because she understands the way things are.”
Jon, “What’s that? What’s the deep wisdom you found in the head of a bird?”
Orell, “You want some Wildling wisdom? People work together when it suits ‘em. They’re loyal when it suits ‘em. Love each other when it suits ‘em. And they kill each other when it suits ‘em. She knows it, you don’t, which is why you guys are gonna break up one day.”
Jon, “We’re gonna be fine! God, shut up!”
Orell, “You know nothing Jon Snow.”
Jon, “Yeah that’s one of those things that’s kinda only okay when Ygritte says it.”
Previously: We got to see everyone’s butts and a lot of Robb’s man cleavage, Ygritte took Jon’s V-Card then immediately asked if she could move in with him, Gendry and Arya broke all of our hearts by refusing to settle down together and get married, Brienne and Jaime had the best hot tub scene in the history of hot tub scenes, Jorah was super paranoid, Robb totally boned himself, there was surprise gay sex, and Tywin broke everyone’s puzzle.
Some shit goes down, but for Game of Thrones it’s a pretty tame forty minutes. We are obviously putting things in place just so they can explode later. It’s the calm before the storm and I don’t like it one bit.
Sam fails at building a fire until Gilly jumps in and fixes it.
Sam, “You can build fires and you have a baby. You are the world’s most perfect woman.”
Gilly, “Building fires is Life in Medieval Times 101. How do you not know how to build one? Oh no, are you slow…like mentally?”
Sam, “No it was just warm where I grew up and when it was cold, my servants did it for me.”
Gilly, “Called it! I knew you were a rich bitch!”
Sam, “I will take that as a compliment of my gentlemanly manners. You wanna see something cool?”
Gilly, “Is it sonnets you wrote about me?”
Sam, “No, but I have plenty of those if you want to hear them!”
Gilly, “I’m good.”
Sam, “It’s this awesome dragonglass dagger that I found at the Fist of the First Men!”
(Benioff and Weiss I see what you did there. I see you!
Gilly, “What does it do?”
Sam, “I don’t know, but I guess we’ll find out! It’s cool though right? Look how shiny it is!” (Awww Sam, you totally had a rock collection back at Horn Hill didn’t you?)
Gilly, “So as fun as these fire side chats are, how much longer till we get to the Wall? I am running low on diapers.”
Sam, “Few more days.”
Gilly, “So what’s the Wall like?” (I love how nerdy Jon and Sam impress their cool wildling girlfriends with their inside knowledge of the Wall.)
Sam, “The Wall’s pretty cool, like me and my friend Jon could hang out on top of it like pretty much whenever we wanted.”
Gilly, “You’re joking.”
Sam, “Nope. And there’s this fire in the Great Hall and they keep it on all the time, I’m talking day and night.”
Sam, “Sometimes we sing to each other.”
Gilly, “Bunch of guys sitting around a fire in the freezing tundra singing…”
Sam, “You’re thinking that sounds kinda gay?”
Gilly, “Actually it sounds really nice.”
Sam, “It is! Dareon has a great voice. He does this cover of “Rolling in the Deep” and it’s just like sounds really cool from a guy’s perspective?”
Gilly, “Do you sing?”
Gilly, “Come on.”
Sam, “Oh, alright. I can’t say no to those baby blues.”
And Sam sings! And it’s super cute!
Gilly, “That was nice.”
Sam, “We’re two decent kids, how did we end up on the run in the freezing cold surrounded by zombies with a new born infant?”
Gilly, “Bad parenting?”
Previously: We lost Craster (yay!) and Mormont (no!), Catelyn threw Bran out of a tree, Sam and Gilly set out on a road trip of their own, Jaime briefly flirted with anorexia, Theon cried, Daenerys unhinged her jaw and ate the entire world, etc.
Only The Good Die Young!
Thoros and Beric are about to have their rumble in the cave.
Thoros, “Xenu save us!”
Everyone, “Xenu save us!”
Thoros, “If the Hound is innocent, let him kill my friend. If he is guilty, let my friend kill him.”
Everyone, “For the night is dark and full of terrors.”
The Hound’s getting himself psyched up, pretty convinced he has this in the bag.
Beric cuts his hand, spilling his blood on his sword. Then he whispers softly, “dracarys,” and the sword LIGHTS ON FUCKING FIRE.
And then they FIGHT. FIGHT. FIGHT.
This fight is so cool and so well choreographed. I died. I loved this fight so much and they do such a good job with it (as always.)
Then in the melee, the Hound catches on fire!
(I feel like it gets lost in all the child murdering, but the Hound is being very brave! He’s so afraid of fire! And for a total nihilist, he’s fighting very hard for his life here!)
He doesn’t have much support from the stands. Everyone’s chanting, “Guilty! Guilty!”
Arya, is more direct, “Kill Him! KILL HIM!”
Beric is doing a great job, and he has the whole fire advantage but the Hound is a huge beast and isn’t going down easy.
Then the Hound, still on fire, BRINGS UP HIS SWORD AND CUTS BERIC’S SWORD IN HALF STABBING BERIC.
Beric falls over with a giant chest wound and a sword sticking out of his shoulder. The Hound stops, drops, and rolls.
Thoros jumps on top of Beric, “Xenu put the thetons back in his body.”
Arya has had enough of this bullshit and grabs a sword and goes running full speed at the Hound, because there’s no situation she can’t make better by running in half cocked and fully armed.
Gendry’s the only one with eyes on Arya and runs after her shouting, “ARYA, DON’T!” And then he GRABS HER and tackles her to the ground! Gendry! Why are you so wonderful!
Arya, “No! Let go of me!”
Gendry, “No! You can’t just murder people!”
Arya, “Why not? Everyone else does!”
Hound, “Looks like the gods love me more than your butchers boy.”
And then Beric stands up. ALIVE.
Beric, “Oh, he’ll go to hell, just not today.”
Recap Season 3, Episode 4
Previously: Jaime lost his fucking hand. That’s it. That’s all you need to know.
Benioff and Weiss are out of control and need to be stopped before they ruin television for everyone.
She is Suffering!
(The episode starts in the depths of despair and raises us to the heights of exaltation. But this opening scene is rough. So rough I had a moment of “maybe this show is getting too dark for me,” (and then the end happened and it was fine, but Jesus Fucking Christ is this dark.))
Jaime is on his horse with his hand TIED AROUND HIS NECK.
And he is just a empty shell of a man. There is nothing happening behind those eyes and it is so grim and sad. This isn’t how our sparkly, witty Jaime is supposed to be! Two seconds in and my heart is already on the floor.
Locke, “Hey, can we sodomize you with your amputated hand?”
Congratulations Locke! You are fast becoming the worst person in the Seven Kingdoms. You have some steep competition, but you are getting there.
Locke, “Is that the kind of thing you and Cersei used to do?” (Okay, can we stop with the ass rapes Game of Thrones? And rapes full stop? Can we all get on the same page with that? (Also no judgment if that’s what they’re into Locke! (You could actually probably use it.))
It’s super sad because old Jaime would have some biting comeback about Locke’s obsession with his sex life but new Jaime just stares numbly into the distance.
Brienne is the only one who has her eye on the catatonic disaster that Jaime has become, because she’s the only one who spent months listening to him babble on for days and gets how out of character he’s being.
She sees Jaime start slumping out of his saddle and can’t do anything to stop it. She calls out for the others to help him.
Then Jaime falls off his horse and face plants in the MUD. This is just some Theon levels of degradation right here. (Maybe this is the curse you suffer if you attempt to kill Bran Stark? The complete and total destruction of your soul?)
Locke, “LOL, I’m totally Instagramming this. Hashtag, #fuckedupkingslayer.”
Then Jaime starts begging for water (begging these assholes must be so hard for him!)
Locke, “You sure you don’t want a back pillow?”
Jaime, “Just the water.”
And then one of the men approaches and opens his water and DUMPS IT ON JAIME’S HEAD.
Brienne is 400% done with their shit and is ready to start busting heads to protect her pal.
Jaime, “If I die my father won’t give you any gold.”
Locke, “Oh that’s enough out of you.” Like Jaime is being a whiny bitch in this scenario.
Me to Locke:
Locke gives him a wine skin and Jaime drinks all of it.
Locke, “I’ve never seen someone drink horse piss that fast.” (Locke, why do you have a wine skin filled with piss? How did you get that? Why is that a thing you carry on you?)
Jaime vomits up the horse piss while everyone laughs at him.
They haul him up and Jaime ELBOWS a dude in the face and steals his sword, because even the empty shell of Jaime Lannister still has moves. (Also how sad that they aren’t chaining him up anymore because the once great Kingslayer isn’t even a threat.) Despite using his non-dominant hand, Jaime puts up a heartbreakingly good fight. Brienne hops off her horse to help him (because they lurrve each other) and even tied up, without a sword she still takes out like four dudes cause she’s a bad ass bitch. But they are hopelessly outnumbered and they finally corral Brienne and beat Jaime into submission.
Locke literally kicks Jaime while he’s down and steps on his HAND until he lets go of the sword.
Locke, “You do that again and I’ll take your other hand.”
Jaime, “Yeah you won, I lost. I get it.”
They close up on Jaime’s mud covered face with his dead hand beside him.
Recap Season 3, Episode 3
Previously: Brienne kicked Jaime’s butt, that goddamn three eyed crow came back, the Queen of Thorns killed it, mild crossbow foreplay, warging, hippies, the triumphant return of the Hound and the outing of Arya Stark, Rickon running wildly through the woods like a mysterious and magical wood nymph, Catelyn and Robb finding out about Rickon and Bran possibly being dead and taking it in stride, etc. etc.
This. Fucking. Episode. I was too hungover on Sunday to make it to my friend’s weekly Game of Thrones watching party and was like, “It’s fine it’s only the third episode it’s not like they’re going to get to the de-handing Jaime thing yet.” But I forgot that this show has the pacing of a goddamn race horse and Benioff and Weiss don’t give a fuck and will cut off anyone’s limb at anytime, so I had to watch this by MYSELF, with only my delivery food to yell at.
Alright. Deep breath, let’s do this.
The End of First Knight!
We say goodbye to Lord Hoster Tully.
In fact we didn’t even know you at all, because that’s how intense this show is, even off camera characters are on the chopping block. Then, we meet Catelyn’s younger brother, Edmure!
Edmure comes up with his bow and his awesome scaley fish armor and lights a flaming arrow ready to send his father off with dignity to his fiery/watery grave…and it goes… right into the current.
Edmure, “Don’t worry I got this.”
He tries again, and it’s a swing in a miss. People start giggling and even Robb laughs!!!
Robb, “It feels good to laugh.”
Catelyn gives him the most hardcore death glare and is like, “Laugh again and it will be you in that boat.”
(Which Catelyn, the funniest thing that has happened to your son in weeks is a funeral. Shit is bleaaaak. Let him get his lols where he can.)
Edmure tries again and misses.
Hoster’s body is rapidly sailing out of sight so Catelyn’s awesome Uncle Blackfish puts an end to this tomfoolery and shoves Edmure aside. Blackfish lights an arrow and sends it flying AND HE’S SO HARDCORE HE DOESN’T EVEN LOOK TO MAKE SURE IT LANDS.
Blackfish walks away, leaving Edmure and everyone to wallow in Edmure’s shame.
Recap Season 3, Episode 2
Robb was a dick to his mother, Bronn and Tyrion reunited, Tywin destroyed Tyrion’s and by extension all of our souls, we got to see Salladhor Saan’s awesome boats and decorative blankets, Drogon flew like a beautiful bird in the sky, Jon met a giant and another mentor, there was brief but traumatic nipple cutting, warlock fuckery, surprise Barristan Selmy, etc., etc.
This was Such. A. Good. Episode.
Let’s do this!!
Bran’s running through the wilderness like a proud strong Pocahontas! When he sees that fucking three-eyed crow again.
Bran’s like, “I’ve had about all I can take of your shit, crow.” He then decides to kill it with an arrow. Yeah Bran! Kill it! Kill it! But then we get a flashback to the pilot to remind us that 1. Bran is not a great bowman and 2. Bran and I are alike in that we both have dreams where Kit Harrington and Richard Madden coach us on how to kill fowl (but in Bran’s dream everyone wears clothes (unfortunately.)) And it’s actually really heartbreaking because Bran misses his attractive brothers and only gets to see them in his dreams! And just when everyone’s crying as much as they can there’s Ned’s voice! Telling everyone to be nice to Bran!
And we don’t get to see him!! (Which Bean! Make a cameo! What are you doing that’s more important??)
Then Bran turns and almost shoots the kid from Love Actually.
Jojen, “You can’t kill that bird.”
Bran, “Don’t tell me what to do! Wait, do I know you?”
Jojen, “The raven is you.”
Bran, “Gross, birds carry disease!”
Jojen, “It’s a metaphor.”
At that Bran bolts awake.
He’s in the a tent next to Rickon who is sleeping soundly with his direwolf:
Rickon! You prince! It’s good to see you!
Bran, rudely wakes him up.
Bran, “It’s just a nightmare.”
Hodor, “Oh, okay.”
Osha, “Were you warging into Summer again?”
Bran, “No. I was sucking at archery and making new friends.”
Osha, “I’ve got a lot on my plate right now, I can’t like hear new things.”
Bran, “I didn’t ask to be a prophet!”
Osha, “Well hopefully you will find someone to help you with that because it is out of my skill set. Now we gotta keep moving.”
Bran, “Why? Theon burned those two kids and told everyone they were us remember?”
Osha, “We’re kinda forgetting about that on the show now. Besides I can smell the stink in the air, patchouli and musical festivals. They’re coming…”
Osha, “Can your 3 eyed raven tell us if we’re being followed or where the nearest McDonalds is?”
Bran, “No these dreams aren’t “helpful” per se.”
Osha, “We got a while to go to get to the Wall, let’s hurry along. Someone grab Rickon.”