"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "
“It’s rape! Rape! Rape is number two. It’s murder - then rape. It’s number two. Like, the United States - we wanna capture Osama Bin Ladin and murder him. We don’t wanna rape him! That would be barbaric.” - Chris Rock
Grey Worm is reading the beginning of his memoir (finish it Grey Worm! I want to read it!) in the Common Tongue, with Missandei correcting his pronunciation and they’re both being great.
Grey Worm. “So Missandei, let’s find out more about you, what’s your back story? What are you all about?”
Missandei, “Well I as born on an island and taken from my parents and sold into slavery when I was 5 years old.”
Grey Worm, “That’s very sad, do you remember your home?”
Missandei, “I remember a beautiful beach, and my home burning from the people who invaded it. What about you? What is your back story?”
Grey Worm, “Unsullied. Always Unsullied, before Unsullied, nothing.”
Missandei, very passionately, “That’s not true.”
Everyone, “Whoa, did I get invested in this relationship quickly!”
Missandei, “You can go back to the Summer Isles one day!”
Grey Worm, “I don’t want to, I’m on a mission of revenge.”
Missandei, “Kill the masters.”
Grey Worm, “Kill the masters.”
And they look intensely in each others’ eyes.
Everyone, “Can the entire episode be you two?”
Grey Worm, “Missandei is a great teacher.”
Everyone, “Yes, we should all be so lucky.”
Daenerys, “I hate to break this up, but Mereen’s not gonna sack itself.”
The Unsullied, under cover as slaves, sneak into Mereen.
(In the books, I remember there being a lot of talk of shit. Leaving that out is a change I fully approve of, and I am kinda shocked they showed any restraint at all.)
Slave 1, “She is a White Savior! Here to free us! We are very important props in the journey of her self actualization. So let’s help her out and all decide to be free!”
Slave 2, “We aren’t slaves by choice. The masters straight up murdered 163 children. Like, children, dude. These guys do not give a fuuuuuck. They will destroy all of our asses.”
Slave 1, “Counter point: Slavery sucks.”
Slave 3, “Counter-counter point: I’ve lived through two revolts, and they always end with the status quo intact and a bunch of dead slaves.”
Grey Worm, “Well maybe third time’s a charm?”
Everyone, “What a sexy entrance! Grey Worm you are crushing it this episode.”
Grey Worm, “Thank you. FYI, Freedom is great.”
Slave 3, “Yeah, we surmised that. We are just a little concerned about not being alive anymore. Because we’ll be murdered.”
Grey Worm, “I used to be a slave like you, now I am Team Daenerys, and the pay isn’t necessarily better, but quality of life has definitely improved. I kinda have a girlfriend.”
Slave 3, “That sounds wonderful, you seem like the best. But you’ve been trained to fight your whole life. We have no training and no weapons. Our computers don’t even connect to the internet.”
Grey Worm, “I can help you with one of those.”
And then they all dump bags of swords on the ground.
Grey Worm, “There are three slaves for every master, no one can give you your freedom. If you want it, you must take it.”
Everyone, “Grey Worm, seriously crushing it.”
Streets of Mereen!
A Master is walking through the street and sees some not so subtle graffiti.
And then the slaves:
And then we get more uncomfortable racial politics with everyone shouting “Myhsa” at Daenerys, cause that’s not weird. She walks to the top of her newly conquered city and looks out over her newly freed people.
Daenerys, “Grey Worm, thanks for pretending to be a slave.”
Daenerys, “Remind me, Ser Jorah, how many children did the masters murder?”
Daenerys, “It was a rhetorical question, Jorah, but thank you.”
Barristan, “Your Grace, may I have a word?”
Daenerys, “Ugh, I’m kinda doing this whole “conquering hero” thing right now, fine alright.”
Barristan, “With great power comes great responsibility.”
Daenerys, “What does that mean?”
Barristan, “The city is yours, all these people are your subjects now, even the assholes. Sometimes it is better to answer injustice with mercy.”
Daenerys, “I will answer injustice with justice.”
Barristan, “Madness and greatness are two sides of the same coin.”
Daenerys, “What was that? I can’t hear you over these people I’m crucifying.”
Barristan, “Aaaannnd there goes another one.”
Then there’s a lot of incredibly violent shots of people being crucified, and it’s just like, Daenerys, remember when you were so horrified by that Slaver’s Walk and gave that dude water? Now you are the person making a walk like that! Get it together girl! And then the camera pulls out to show her looking over her new city and then pulls up to reveal her giant punk rock Targaryen flag:
Everyone, “REALLY hope you know what you are doing lady.”
Daenerys, “Ehhh, I’ll wing it. It’ll be fine.”
Dude, “Pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray. Help me protect my daughter’s virtue.”
(I can’t with the rapiness on this show anymore so here’s Angelina Jolie to make me feel better:
Dude, “Pray pray pray pray.”
Hound, “How long is this going to go on?”
Hound, “If I don’t eat right now…”
Arya, “I’m starving too, but the smallest amount of manners goes a long way.”
Dude, “Pray pray pray pray some more.”
Hound, “Okay, nope can’t do this.”
And then he grabs the pot while Arya is adorably embarrassed, but she’s also starving and digs in too and they:
Arya wipes her face.
Arya, “Your dad did not undersell this rabbit stew, Sally, it is delicious.”
Dude, “Did you fight at the Twins?”
Arya, “Whoa! Trigger warning much?”
Hound, “A fight implies there were two sides and not just the Freys surprise murdering a lot of drunk people.”
Dude, “Red Wedding, they’re calling it.”
Everyone, “That’s what we call it too!”
Dude, “Fucked right up that he let them eat food in his house and then killed them.”
Hound, “Yup. Guest Right doesn’t mean much anymore.”
Dude, “Hope that’s not foreshadowing. Gods will have their vengeance, Frey will burn in the seventh hell for what he did.”
Everyone, “You would hope.”
Dude, “Things were better when Hoster Tully ruled the Riverlands. We had good years and bad years, but we were safe, and there weren’t people constantly raiding and stealing all our shit. I was going to send Sally north but that’s no better, Bolton’s the mayor now and I don’t agree with his flaying policies. ”
Hound, “Yes yes, we live in a horror show, I know. Can I at least drink while you yap at me?”
Dude, “We’re in rations, so, no, I don’t have beer.”
(This right here is when the Hound decides to fuck this dude.)
Hound, “Your dad is the worst.”
Sally, “Don’t get me started.”
Dude, “You look big and strong.”
Hound, “Thank you.”
Dude, “No like super strong, what is your workout regimen?”
Hound, “I kill a lot of people?”
Dude, “Interesting, how much can you bench?”
Hound, “Where is this going?”
Dude, “I’m just saying you are not weak and frail like me. What say you stay here, help me out, help with the heavy lifting. Sally does what she can but she doesn’t have a lot of arm strength. We’re sitting ducks here, one look at you and raiders would run away. No offense.”
Hound, “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Pay?”
Dude, “I got some silver I hid. Fair wages for fair work.”
Hound, “That doesn’t sound too bad.”
Arya, “Awww, look at dad making a friend.”
Cut to: Next morning.
Arya wakes up in the morning in the hay to yelling and screaming and goes running out with needle to see the Hound robbing the old man.
Hound, “He didn’t have beer!”
Arya, “You said, you weren’t a thief.”
Hound, “Well, turns out my code of honor is fucked on the show, too.”
Arya, “He was the one dude in 100,000 that we didn’t have to fuck up. He took us in and fed us which is just what happened to Robb! How do you not know this is a huge trigger for me?”
Hound, “He’s a good man and so is the daughter, they’ll both be dead come winter.”
Arya, “What are you, psychic?”
Hound, “Don’t need to be. He’s weak, can’t protect himself.”
Arya, “Which is why he hired you to protect him?”
Hound, “This is not my life dream! We just talked about this. Some terrible fuck is gonna come along, kill him, and steal his silver. Better I have it, than him.”
Arya, “You’re the worst shit in the Seven Kingdoms.”
Hound, ” I don’t know, did you hear what Jaime just did?”
The Hound, “Well there are plenty worse than me. I understand the way things are. How many Starks they gotta behead before you figure things out?”
Arya, “Like two more.”
Cersei, “ARREST TYRION!”
Everyone, “Do we have enough probable cause?”
Cersei, “CITIZEN’S ARREST!”
Dontos and Sansa:
Cersei, “ARREST SANSA TOO!”
Everyone, “Sansa? Stark? The red headed teenager? You think she did this?”
Everyone, “You are surrounded by like twenty cold blooded killers and you blame the nice teenage girl?”
Tywin, “She’s right! It was Sansa! Let’s get her!”
Everyone, “No offense, but there’s only one person here who’s famous for killing people at weddings.”
Tywin, “Seal the exits!”
Everyone, “Omggg we are never getting home. Traffic is going to be a nightmare. This is the worst wedding ever. We didn’t even get any pie.”
In The Street!
Dontos and Sansa have a beautifully filmed run through the streets of King Landing’s filled with gorgeous shots of atmospheric clouds:
Dontos finally brings Sansa to his private rowboat.
Dontos, “Get into this weird rowboat with me?”
Sansa, “I’d rather not?”
Dontos, “You have to! The gold cloaks will kill you!”
Sansa, “Will you at least tell me where we’re going?”
Sansa, “Ugh, my life right now, amiright?”
Dontos, “We’re going somewhere safe.”
Sansa, “Fuck fine, I like don’t even care anymore.”
She gets in and they row through the lovely fog up to a giant ship and Sansa artfully takes her cloak off so she can see clearly what new weirdness her life will be.
Woof. So there have been a million things written on this already, but it has to be addressed. I’m posting this separately because it doesn’t fit in the recap. Read my (non-lolz) opinion on it after the jump (or skip it and pretend it didn’t happen (which is probably what the show is going to do.))
King’s Landing! The Sept!
Margaery walks down the aisle in her amazing gown with her insane perm and she looks fantastic. Her dress is covered in thorns which is thematically appropriate for Highgarden, but also a great defensive garment when you’re marrying a sociopath. (The Tyrells really think of everything.) Joffrey also looks stunning, can’t hate.
The priest wraps their hands together, tying them in a literal knot.
Priest, “House Tyrell, House Lannister and House Baratheon are one heart, cursed be he who would tear them asunder.”
Everyone in the audience, “Awkward coughing.”
Joffrey, “With this kiss, I pledge my love.”
And then they make out in a way that makes everyone uncomfortable.
Everyone, “I always thought he was kinda sexless?”
Sansa, “Looks like we have a new queen now.”
Tyrion, “1. Don’t let Cersei hear you say that. 2. Better her than you.”
Joffrey, “Okay, Margaery and I are going to go do some photos, but we’d love for you to join us all for cocktail hour followed by the reception. So if you could all go outside, there are shuttles waiting to take you to the next location, and everyone please remember the hashtag for the weekend is #purplewedding, so tag the pictures you post appropriately, I don’t want to miss anything!”
Tywin seeks Olenna out! (Which I love! You got a crush papa Lannister! (If all the Lannisters are marrying Tyrells, why can’t you two get married!))
Tywin, “Bit much wouldn’t you say?”
Olenna, “Ugh you are such a dad right now.”
Tywin, “The word extravagant has been used.”
Olenna, “What good is the word extravagant if it can’t be used to describe a royal wedding?”
Tywin, “People who spend money on weddings tend to not have money for long.”
Olenna, “You have your ways of winning the war, I have mine.”
"The people are hungry for more than just food. They crave distractions. And if we don’t provide them, they’ll create their own. And their distractions are likely to end with us being torn to pieces. A royal wedding is much safer."
Olenna, “You ought to try enjoying something before you die, you might find that it suits you.”
Tywin, “Are you hitting on me?”
Everyone, “I hope so!”
Olenna, “Go away Mace! I’m flirting with Tywin!”
Olenna, “Sorry about that, he is the worst.”
Tywin, “I hate my children too!”
Olenna, “We are well suited. Anyway don’t know what you’re bitching about, I paid for most of this.”
Tywin, “I kinda love that you have more money than me.”
Olenna, “Right? And I’m going to be coughing up more soon I’m sure. Wars are long and expensive and everyone knows the crown is in mega debt to the Iron Bank since Littlefinger fucked off and stopped being the magic Master of Coin. The Iron Bank does not fuck around, they’ll be here soon breaking knee caps if they don’t get their due, they love to remind everyone like you Lannisters and your debts.”
Tywin, “I’m not worried.”
Olenna, “No you’re too smart for all that. Come Tywin, let’s celebrate young love.”
Tywin, “I would rather be shot in the face.”
Olenna, “Me too, but we have to.”
"Every once in a very long while, Lord Tywin Lannister would actually threaten to smile; he never did, but the threat alone was terrible to behold."
Recap: Episode 2, Season 4
(So Tumblr is being super crashy with this post (I just have too many gifs/thoughts on Game of Thrones for this website to handle) so I’m splitting this recap into two (which kinda works since the last 20 minutes were basically their own mini episode anyway.) This is part one, part two posted after, (you’re smart, you’ll get it.))
Previously: Tywin disowned Jaime, Cersei broke up with Jaime, Joffrey made fun of Jaime, Brienne scolded Jaime, Podrick got a haircut, We met the Red Viper, Something gay happened, They recast Daario, Dontos gave Sansa a necklace, Ice was ruined, Needle was found, and Arya knocked some people off her “to kill” list
And……………………………………………………………I can’t with this scene. I tried, but I can’t. Reading about how Ramsay likes to rape young girls and then set them free so he can hunt them down and then rape/murder/flay them is one thing, having to actually watch it is another. We already saw Ramsay hunt the most dangerous game when he did this to Theon, so I’m not sure what this scene is telling us that we don’t already know? That he trained his dogs to acquire an appetite for human flesh? We probably could have put that together using context clues. I guess it introduces his non-book-canonical “cool girl" supportive girlfriend who shares his hobbies; which-it’s nice that he found someone-but the only way I can see that relationship ending is him chasing her down to rape/murder/flay her, and, again, that doesn’t feel wholly necessary. I guess the important part is Theon’s broken face at the end, but again, we already know Theon moved into a k-hole and decorated it with posters and furniture to make it feel like home, we don’t necessarily need that underlined. Sometimes, and I know this might sound crazy, when it comes to sexual violence and people being eaten alive by dogs, less is more.
Tyrion and Jaime are having a super adorable brothers’ lunch together! (When was the last time you two hung out? Was it the second episode? Where you had a hangover breakfast and talked about how much Jaime would hate being a cripple and how Tyrion was going to the Wall? That was so long ago guys! So much has happened!! Did you know there are dragons now?)
Podrick is serving Tyrion and Jaime sausage, (why do they always show sausage after scenes with Ramsay?! (I’m kidding, I know.))
Tyrion, “I don’t know what you’re bitching about. I like your new hand. It goes great with your haircut. I think it’s even better than your old one. Pod, tell Jaime how handsome he looks with his new hand.” (Tyrion is the best little brother ever.)
Podrick, “Very handsome, sir.”
Jaime, “Thank you, Pod.”
Podrick, “Is it solid gold?”
Tyrion, “The point is to make people think it is, it’s actually just gilded steel.”
Podrick, “You can’t tell the difference.”
Tyrion,”See! Hey, why are you not eating? Why is no one eating? First Sansa, now you. The war’s over! It’s peacetime, we should be happy. Why is everyone around me debilitatingly depressed?”
"Winter is coming, warned the Stark words, and truly it had come to them with a vengeance. But it is high summer for House Lannister. So why am I so bloody cold?”
Jaime, “I’m on a diet.”
Tyrion, “Well that’s silly, you just lost half your hand weight.”
Tyrion, “Kidding! Jesus, no one can take a joke around here anymore. C’mon, try the boar, Cersei can’t get enough of it since one killed Robert for her… Nothing? Really? This is some of my best material. Here, how bout we drink instead? I propose a toast! To us being reunited! All the Lannister children, the cripple, the dwarf and the mother of madness. We are crushing it.”
And then Jaime legit:
Pod, “On it!”
Jaime, “No, you’re only make me feel more like an invalid, I’ll do it. Please, leave me alone with my shame.”
Podrick, “As you wish.”
Tyrion, “It’s only wine! Wine, wine wine. What’s the worst wine can do? Here let me spill this wine all over the table and then refill your glass. Me and wine, totally normal.”
Jaime, finally admitting to someone in a whisper even though they’re all alone, “I can’t fight anymore.”
Tyrion, not reacting negatively, “What about your other hand?”
Jaime, “It’s a piece of shit, I’m not ambidextrous. How can I protect the king if I can’t wipe my own ass?”
Tyrion, “You’re forty! Have you thought about retiring?”
Jaime, “Oh lord, not you too.”
Tyrion, “I’m not saying retire from King’s Landing, I mean retire from fighting. You can serve on the board of the King’s Guard. Let everyone else fight for the king, Look at dad, he hasn’t been in active combats in years and he just won a war.”
Jaime, “Dad’s always been a Machiavellian politician, that was a natural progression. I’m a rock star fighter. I was the best knight in the Seven Kingdoms when I was 16, that’s all I’ve been my entire life. When people find out, I’ll be fucked.”
Tyrion, “Enough pity party. Just practice, become the left-handed Kingslayer.”
Jaime, “With whom? You? Not with cellphones these days, as soon as someone discovers I can’t fight it will be all over Twitter.”
Tyrion, “Don’t even worry about it bro. I got you.”
Jaime, “Man I missed having you around.”
(So in the books Jaime trains with Ilyn Payne because he doesn’t have a tongue because he is brilliant. But the actor who plays Ilyn Payne had to leave the show for very sad reasons and I think they made a brilliant, brilliant choice to replace him.)
Bronn! Bronn! Bronn!
Jaime, “Since you’re married to my brother I’m inclined to trust you.”
Bronn, “Since you shit gold like your father, I’m inclined to do what you ask.”
Jaime tosses him gold.
Jaime, “You sure no one will see us here? It seems a little…open.”
Bronn, “This is my cliff-side sex alcove where I bone married ladies.”
Jaime, “Ew, can we go somewhere else?”
Bronn, “If they don’t hear my sex, they won’t hear us.”
Jaime, “Okay enough about your love life, can we fight?”
Jaime picks up his sword.
Bronn, “Uh-uh, we’re all very impressed with the present your daddy got you, but I’m already covered in scars, I’m not looking to add more. We are starting with the basics.”
Jaime, “I haven’t used a sparring sword since I was nine.”
Bronn, “Yes, we all know how hot you used to be.”
Jaime goes to pick up the sword and Bronn starts hacking at him.
Jaime, “You don’t fight with honor.”
Bronn, “Nope. Never have, never will.”
Jaime, “Attacking me before I’m ready…. “
Bronn, “You are troubled. Good, trouble is the perfect time to train. When you’re dancing in the meadow with your dolls and kittens, this not when fighting happens. How can you be quick as a snake, quiet as a shadow, when you’re somewhere else?”
Jaime, “Stop teasing me, I still have my right hand.”
Bronn, “What are you gonna do, knock some wine over at me?”
Jaime, “I see why you and Tyrion work so well together.”
And then there’s a lovely moment where Bronn gets the better of Jaime and Jaime takes a moment to swallow all his anger and pity and then stands back up and says, “Come on then.” Jaime Lannister character development ya’ll. It gives me life.
Recap: Episode 1, Season 4
That was fast!
Last season: Robb died, Catelyn died, Talisa died, Talisa’s unborn baby died, Greywind died, Ros died, Orell died, Lord Mormont died, Craster died, Catelyn’s dad died, Theon lost his penis, some teeth and his mind, Jaime finally made it back to King’s Landing, Sam and Jon finally made it back to the Wall, Bran went beyond the Wall, Mance is ready to attack the Wall, Stannis is going to defend the Wall, Yara is going to find Theon, Sansa married Tyrion, Joffrey is marrying Margaery, Cersei is marrying Loras, Arya started hanging out with the Hound, Littlefinger was headed to the Vale, Daenerys was headed to Meeren, and Rickon set out on a perilous and mysterious adventure for the great unknown armed with nothing but his wits, a violent temper and a feral direwolf.
In a fancy wolf pelt scabbard is Ned’s sword, Ice.
Tywin unsheathes it and gives it to a special armorer, (NOT Gendry) who melts it down. Tywin puts on his iPod and cranks up “Rains of Castamere” and rocks out while watching them rework the steel into two swords.
Tywin then takes the wolf pelt scabbard and throws it into a fire just to really rub it in that the Starks are gone, because why not give us all PTSD Red Wedding flashbacks .02 seconds into the premiere? One thing Tywin, will you let us have one thing?
We’re back! (How I missed you!)
We get to see the Dreadfort (home to House Bolton) in the credits.
And pretty Meereen.
Hand of the King’s Room!
Jaime’s back with an awesome hair cut.
Tywin is giving him one of the swords he made in the cold open.
Jaime, “Sweet sword dad! Who knew you were cool?”
Jaime, “But seriously, how’d you get this? It looks brand new.”
Tywin, “That’s cause she is.”
Jaime, “Bullshit. You just bought a Valyrian steel sword? Where?”
Tywin, “No, you idiot. I flew out a fancy armorer from Volantis and put him up at a five star hotel in the city cause Tywin Lannister is:
Jaime, “But where did you get the raw materials? Valyrian steel is extinct.”
Tywin, “Get this, I used Ice.”
Jaime, “You’re giving me Ned Stark’s sword? That is so fucked up.”
Tywin, “I know, right?”
Jaime, “But like, even for you.”
Jaime, “Is there any horror you won’t subject the Starks to?”
Tywin, “Not really, no.”
Jaime, “Well, our family did always want a Valyrian steel sword.”
Tywin, “Now we have two. Everything is coming up Lannister!”
Jaime, “I gotta admit, having rich parents is awesome.” He genuinely thanks Tywin and Tywin nods and it is the most functional interaction we’ve seen him have with any of his children, let’s hope he doesn’t ruin it in 3, 2, 1…
Jaime clumsily puts the sword down.
His eyes went back to Jaime’s stump, and his mouth grew taut with fury. “We’ll have their heads. Every one. Can you use a sword with your left hand?”
I can hardly dress myself in the morning. Jaime held up the hand in question for his father’s inspection. “Four fingers, a thumb, much like the other, Why shouldn’t it work as well?”
Tywin, “You’ll never be as good.”
Jaime, “Jesus. You ever heard of not kicking a man while he’s down?”
Tywin, “It’s my joie de vivre.”
Jaime, “Whatever. Don’t worry about it. Tis but a scratch.”
(We can talk when I’m less emotional about it, about how devastated Jaime is about losing his hand but how he makes a joke and down plays it any time someone brings it up.)
Tywin, “You know you can’t keep your job with one hand.”
Jaime, “Where is that in my contract? Kingsguard is ride or die.”
Tywin, “Look, the war is over and this is awkward, but no one really needs you anymore. Joffrey’s totally safe.”
Jaime, “Is he? Cause I personally know about a hundred people who would kill him right now if they could, and not even because he’s king, just for the joy of it.”
Tywin, “Look you’ve been gone a long time, he was kept alive the whole time you were gone. You can go home and no one will even notice.”
Jaime, “Say what now?”
Tywin, “Casterly Rock, you can go and rule.”
Jaime, “But that’s your house.”
Tywin, “I am the King’s Hand, and unlike the other ones, I’m not an idiot. I know how this position works and no way am I making it back to Casterly Rock. Plus I’m old as shit, it’s time for you to fulfill the destiny I have painstakingly planned for you.”
Jaime, “My life is 95% getting shit for violating the number one rule of being in the Kingsguard; don’t kill the king. I’m not going to violate the second rule; don’t leave until you’re dead.”
Tywin, “Joffrey kicked Barristan to the curb even though he wasn’t dead, and that worked out perfectly. He’s not secretly aiding a usurper across the narrow sea or anything. So there’s total precedent for him to fire you.”
Tywin, “Okay, I really wasn’t asking.”
Jaime, “Doesn’t matter.”
Tywin, “You’re going to put your fucking honor before - “
Jaime, “Nobody gives a fuck about my honor, least of all me,” he lies, “but my answer is still ‘no.’ I don’t want your stupid castle.”
Tywin, “Doesn’t anyone want Casterly Rock?”
Tyrion, “I’LL TAKE IT!”
Tywin, “God, I can’t give this thing away.”
Jaime, “Look marriage isn’t really my bag.”
Tywin, “You’ll get your inheritance and you’ll live in our giant mansion and you will keep the Lannister name going by reminding people of how sick we are and making them eat it.”
Jaime, “Not really feeling it.”
Tywin, “Are you insane? You just spent two entire seasons covered in shit walking half the continent on foot. Don’t you want a change of pace? Get a steady job with benefits, knock off everyday at 5 PM? Go home watch some Netflix and relax? You won’t have to deal with Joffrey’s shit everyday, or mine. I am asking you to do the literal easiest thing you could do. There are two options in King’s Landing, 1. Get murdered and 2. Get tortured gruesomely and then get murdered. I’m giving you an out.”
Jaime, “I don’t want a wife, I don’t want children, and I don’t want to be no lord of no Casterly Rock.”
Tywin, “Well then the fuck do you want?”
Jaime, “To fuck my sister and for everyone to get off my nuts.”
Tywin, “How are all three of my children such massive disappointments?”
Jaime, “Well you are a pretty awful parent.”
Tywin, “For forty years…”
Jaime, “Wait, am I forty??”
Tywin, “Anyway, for forty long years I’ve tried to teach you, but it’s too fucking late now. If you want to crush all my hopes and dreams by becoming a nun, I can’t stop you.”
Jaime, “I assume this means I can’t keep the sword.”
Tywin, “Consider it a parting gift. We’re done. Every time you use it I want you to think about me and all the ways you disappointed me.”
“You are my son -”
“I am a knight of the Kingsguard. The Lord Commander of the Kingsguard! And that’s all I mean to be!”
Firelight gleamed golden in the stiff whiskers that framed Lord Tywin’s face. A vein pulsed in his neck, but he did not speak. And did not speak. And did not speak.
The strained silence went on until it was more than Jaime could endure. “Father…” he began.
“You are not my son.” Lord Tywin turned his face away. “You say you are the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, and only that. Very well, ser. Go do your duty.”
Ned wakes up drenched in sweat. Cersei is standing over him, smiling her evil smile, ready to get intense about it. Robert is concerned for his pal.
Ned, “Pardon your Grace, I would rise but…” (Ned is really taking to this whole sarcasm thing.)
Cersi immediately begins yelling about how Catelyn stole Tyrion. (Her bedside manner could use some work.) Ned sticks with his story about how he magically knew that Tyrion and Catelyn would run into each other at a Hampton Inn and telepathically told Catelyn to lose her shit and take him hostage. Robert and Cersei do him the favor of not even pretending to believe him. Cersei came into this room looking for a fight and she’s not leaving without one, so she starts screaming about dare Catelyn Stark lay her poorly dressed Tully hands on a Lannister.
Ned, “Okay you need to stop talking about my wife like that, I’m the King’s Hand.”
Cersei, “No you’re not, you’re just an unemployed person. You quit because you wouldn’t kill a baby! So jokes on you.”
Robert, “IF PEOPLE ARE YELLING I’M GOING TO YELL THE LOUDEST. Here’s how this is gonna go down so the entire kingdom doesn’t lose it’s fucking mind. Catelyn is going to release Tyrion and you and Jaime are going put aside your differences and go to couple’s counseling.”
Ned, “Will we tho? He stabbed Jory in the EYE and SMILED at me while he did it.”
Cersei, “I should not be as turned on by that as I am. Moving on, once again I’m feeling threatened so I’m just going to start making shit up that fits my narrative. Reality and I have a complicated relationship. What happened was Ned over here was getting wasted at Littlefinger’s whore house and boning sluts.”
Season 1, Episode 5
It’s a beautiful day in King’s Landing and interns are hard at work setting up the Ren Fair for the day. Ned Stark is on a mission to finally figure out what the fuck is going on.
Ser Hugh Medical Tent!
Selmy’s already there watching the nurses stitch up Ser Hugh’s throat.
Ned, “How’s it going, ladies?”
Recap Season 3, Episode 10
Christmas comes early for Roose Bolton, who climbs to the top of the Twins so he can get the best seat possible to watch as the Freys decimate the drunk Stark army and it is brutal.
They’re hanging them, lighting them on fire, chopping off legs, doing all the disgusting things Freys do when given a small amount of power.
Roose loves it:
The Hound has tiny passed out Arya on his lap and smartly grabs a Frey banner as he attempts to get them out of there. (I like that quick thinking Hound, branding is important. Keep your head in the game. Everyone we love is dead, we need you to stay alive!) He’s trying to get them out of there, when from the castle a group of people emerges chanting, “The King In The North!”
This is the worst thing in the world. Worst than anything the show has done before. They bring Robb out and they have sewed Grey Wind’s head to his body.
I can’t believe they showed it.
It’s just too much.
Arya wakes up just in time to see this.
And she was right to be nervous last episode, all her worst fears are coming true!
And she had to be there when Ned was beheaded, now this too.
Arya loses whatever sanity she had left while behind her the Stark banners burn.
It’s almost too much to handle.
Tyrion and Sansa are enjoying a lovely mid afternoon stroll with Shae in the gardens. Two shitty bros walk by and giggle at them. Tyrion begins muttering their names under his breath.
Tyrion, “Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall, Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall …”
Sansa, “You okay there Rain Man?”
Tyrion, “Yeah, sorry, just updating my list.”
Sansa, “A murder list?”
Tyrion, “For laughing at me? Do I look like Joffrey?”
Sansa, “No, but you are a Lannister, so I thought I’d double check.”
Tyrion, “I may be a Lannister but I’m not a monster.”
Sansa, “You call him that too?! Oh isn’t it great, we can talk like this!”
Tyrion, “Murder and mayhem isn’t really my style. I prefer a more subtle terror…”
Sansa, like every mom ever, ”You should learn to ignore them.”
Tyrion, “Uh, yeah thanks for the condescending advice. But I’ve been dealing with this since the moment I was born. You’ve only had a bad few years. Constant laughing and belittlement really eats away at the soul in a way that can’t be dismissed by self help platitudes. I am the half man, the demon monkey, the imp.”
Sansa, “Yeah, but at least your family still runs shit. I am the disgraced daughter of the traitor Ned Stark.”
Tyrion, “The disgraced daughter and the demon monkey, we’re perfect for each other.” And Sansa smiles!! And laughs!
Tyrion looks back at Shae.
Shae, “You’re friends now? That’s greeeaaat.”
Sansa, “So, alright I’m on board, how are we gonna do it?”
Tyrion, “Do what?”
Sansa, “Punish those two yokels for making fun of you.”
Tyrion, “Oh, that. Full disclosure, what I usually do is talk to Varys, get their internet history, and then blackmail them with whatever creepy stuff they’re into. It will definitely work on those dudes, anyone called Desmond Crakehall must be a pervert.”
Sansa, “Yeah well, popular opinion is that you’re a total pervert, but I know for a fact that you’re not.”
Tyrion, “Hey now, that’s our little secret. I’m the imp, I have a reputation I have to live down to.”
Sansa is lolzing and really excited, she takes a seat to look Tyrion in the eye and it’s the youngest we’ve seen her be in forever! (I love their bonding.)
Sansa, “I’ve got an idea!”
Tyrion, “Well get in here girl, let’s hear it.”
Sansa, “We could put sheep shift in Ser Desmond’s bed.”
Shae, “What now?”
Sansa, “You cut a little hole in his mattress and you stuff sheep shift inside. Then you sew up the hole and make his bed again. His room will stink, but he won’t know where it’s coming from.”
Tyrion, “Welcome to the party Lady Sansa! Look at you Starks being fun, I didn’t know that was a thing you did.” (I want Sansa and Tyrion to have an extended montage where they run around King’s Landing pulling pranks on people. They can toilet paper the Red Keep, put tacks on the Iron throne, Nair in Cersei’s shampoo bottle, general hi-jinks. Varys can assist. It would be great. (But also guys, if you’re gonna be pranking anyone, let’s start with Joffrey.))
Sansa, “Things used to get pretty wild at Winterfell. Arya used to do that when she was pissed at me, and she was pissed at me a lot.”
Tyrion, “I like where you’re going with this, but one quick question, what is “sheep shift?”“
Sansa, conspiratorially, “In the North, that’s the vulgar word for dung.” (Also sidebar! Arya! That is disgusting! If there was shit anywhere near my bed, I would burn my apartment to the ground and move.)
And Tyrion can’t stop himself from being charmed by her because she’s being super cute right now.
Sansa, “Well you asked!”
Tyrion, “No, I love it, diabolical in its simplicity. It’s perfect.”
Then Podrick comes running through the garden, tripping over fangirls on his way.
Podrick, “Allow me to interrupt this beautiful moment forever, but Small Council calls.”