"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "
Previously: We got to see everyone’s butts and a lot of Robb’s man cleavage, Ygritte took Jon’s V-Card then immediately asked if she could move in with him, Gendry and Arya broke all of our hearts by refusing to settle down together and get married, Brienne and Jaime had the best hot tub scene in the history of hot tub scenes, Jorah was super paranoid, Robb totally boned himself, there was surprise gay sex, and Tywin broke everyone’s puzzle.
Some shit goes down, but for Game of Thrones it’s a pretty tame forty minutes. We are obviously putting things in place just so they can explode later. It’s the calm before the storm and I don’t like it one bit.
Sam fails at building a fire until Gilly jumps in and fixes it.
Sam, “You can build fires and you have a baby. You are the world’s most perfect woman.”
Gilly, “Building fires is Life in Medieval Times 101. How do you not know how to build one? Oh no, are you slow…like mentally?”
Sam, “No it was just warm where I grew up and when it was cold, my servants did it for me.”
Gilly, “Called it! I knew you were a rich bitch!”
Sam, “I will take that as a compliment of my gentlemanly manners. You wanna see something cool?”
Gilly, “Is it sonnets you wrote about me?”
Sam, “No, but I have plenty of those if you want to hear them!”
Gilly, “I’m good.”
Sam, “It’s this awesome dragonglass dagger that I found at the Fist of the First Men!”
(Benioff and Weiss I see what you did there. I see you!
Gilly, “What does it do?”
Sam, “I don’t know, but I guess we’ll find out! It’s cool though right? Look how shiny it is!” (Awww Sam, you totally had a rock collection back at Horn Hill didn’t you?)
Gilly, “So as fun as these fire side chats are, how much longer till we get to the Wall? I am running low on diapers.”
Sam, “Few more days.”
Gilly, “So what’s the Wall like?” (I love how nerdy Jon and Sam impress their cool wildling girlfriends with their inside knowledge of the Wall.)
Sam, “The Wall’s pretty cool, like me and my friend Jon could hang out on top of it like pretty much whenever we wanted.”
Gilly, “You’re joking.”
Sam, “Nope. And there’s this fire in the Great Hall and they keep it on all the time, I’m talking day and night.”
Sam, “Sometimes we sing to each other.”
Gilly, “Bunch of guys sitting around a fire in the freezing tundra singing…”
Sam, “You’re thinking that sounds kinda gay?”
Gilly, “Actually it sounds really nice.”
Sam, “It is! Dareon has a great voice. He does this cover of “Rolling in the Deep” and it’s just like sounds really cool from a guy’s perspective?”
Gilly, “Do you sing?”
Gilly, “Come on.”
Sam, “Oh, alright. I can’t say no to those baby blues.”
And Sam sings! And it’s super cute!
Gilly, “That was nice.”
Sam, “We’re two decent kids, how did we end up on the run in the freezing cold surrounded by zombies with a new born infant?”
Gilly, “Bad parenting?”
Previously: We lost Craster (yay!) and Mormont (no!), Catelyn threw Bran out of a tree, Sam and Gilly set out on a road trip of their own, Jaime briefly flirted with anorexia, Theon cried, Daenerys unhinged her jaw and ate the entire world.
Only The Good Die Young!
Thoros and Beric are about to have their rumble in the cave.
Thoros, “Xenu save us!”
Everyone, “Xenu save us!”
Thoros, “If the Hound is innocent, let him kill my friend. If he is guilty, let my friend kill him.”
Everyone, “For the night is dark and full of terrors.”
The Hound’s getting himself psyched up, pretty convinced he has this in the bag.
Beric cuts his hand, spilling his blood on his sword. Then he whispers softly, “dracarys,” and the sword LIGHTS ON FUCKING FIRE.
And then they FIGHT. FIGHT. FIGHT.
This fight is so cool and so well choreographed. I died. I loved this fight so much and they do such a good job with it (as always.)
Then in the melee, the Hound catches on fire!
(I feel like it gets lost in all the child murdering, but the Hound is being very brave! He’s so afraid of fire! And for a total nihilist, he’s fighting very hard for his life here!)
He doesn’t have much support from the stands. Everyone’s chanting, “Guilty! Guilty!”
Arya, is more direct, “Kill Him! KILL HIM!”
Beric is doing a great job, and he has the whole fire advantage but the Hound is a huge beast and isn’t going down easy.
Then the Hound, still on fire, BRINGS UP HIS SWORD AND CUTS BERIC’S SWORD IN HALF STABBING BERIC.
Beric falls over with a giant chest wound and a sword sticking out of his shoulder. The Hound stops, drops, and rolls.
Thoros jumps on top of Beric, “Xenu put the thetons back in his body.”
Arya has had enough of this bullshit and grabs a sword and goes running full speed at the Hound, because there’s no situation she can’t make better by running in half cocked and fully armed.
Gendry’s the only one with eyes on Arya and runs after her shouting, “ARYA, DON’T!” And then he GRABS HER and tackles her to the ground! Gendry! Why are you so wonderful!
Arya, “No! Let go of me!”
Gendry, “No! You can’t just murder people!”
Arya, “Why not? Everyone else does!”
Hound, “Looks like the gods love me more than your butchers boy.”
And then Beric stands up. ALIVE.
Beric, “Oh, he’ll go to hell, just not today.”
Recap Season 3, Episode 4
Previously: Jaime lost his fucking hand. That’s it. That’s all you need to know.
Benioff and Weiss are out of control and need to be stopped before they ruin television for everyone.
She is Suffering!
(The episode starts in the depths of despair and raises us to the heights of exaltation. But this opening scene is rough. So rough I had a moment of “maybe this show is getting too dark for me,” (and then the end happened and it was fine, but Jesus Fucking Christ is this dark.))
Jaime is on his horse with his hand TIED AROUND HIS NECK.
And he is just a empty shell of a man. There is nothing happening behind those eyes and it is so grim and sad. This isn’t how our sparkly, witty Jaime is supposed to be! Two seconds in and my heart is already on the floor.
Locke, “Hey, can we sodomize you with your amputated hand?”
Congratulations Locke! You are fast becoming the worst person in the Seven Kingdoms. You have some steep competition, but you are getting there.
Locke, “Is that the kind of thing you and Cersei used to do?” (Okay, can we stop with the ass rapes Game of Thrones? And rapes full stop? Can we all get on the same page with that? (Also no judgment if that’s what they’re into Locke! (You could actually probably use it.))
It’s super sad because old Jaime would have some biting comeback about Locke’s obsession with his sex life but new Jaime just stares numbly into the distance.
Brienne is the only one who has her eye on the catatonic disaster that Jaime has become, because she’s the only one who spent months listening to him babble on for days and gets how out of character he’s being.
She sees Jaime start slumping out of his saddle and can’t do anything to stop it. She calls out for the others to help him.
Then Jaime falls off his horse and face plants in the MUD. This is just some Theon levels of degradation right here. (Maybe this is the curse you suffer if you attempt to kill Bran Stark? The complete and total destruction of your soul?)
Locke, “LOL, I’m totally Instagramming this. Hashtag, #fuckedupkingslayer.”
Then Jaime starts begging for water (begging these assholes must be so hard for him!)
Locke, “You sure you don’t want a back pillow?”
Jaime, “Just the water.”
And then one of the men approaches and opens his water and DUMPS IT ON JAIME’S HEAD.
Brienne is 400% done with their shit and is ready to start busting heads to protect her pal.
Jaime, “If I die my father won’t give you any gold.”
Locke, “Oh that’s enough out of you.” Like Jaime is being a whiny bitch in this scenario.
Me to Locke:
Locke gives him a wine skin and Jaime drinks all of it.
Locke, “I’ve never seen someone drink horse piss that fast.” (Locke, why do you have a wine skin filled with piss? How did you get that? Why is that a thing you carry on you?)
Jaime vomits up the horse piss while everyone laughs at him.
They haul him up and Jaime ELBOWS a dude in the face and steals his sword, because even the empty shell of Jaime Lannister still has moves. (Also how sad that they aren’t chaining him up anymore because the once great Kingslayer isn’t even a threat.) Despite using his non-dominant hand, Jaime puts up a heartbreakingly good fight. Brienne hops off her horse to help him (because they lurrve each other) and even tied up, without a sword she still takes out like four dudes cause she’s a bad ass bitch. But they are hopelessly outnumbered and they finally corral Brienne and beat Jaime into submission.
Locke literally kicks Jaime while he’s down and steps on his HAND until he lets go of the sword.
Locke, “You do that again and I’ll take your other hand.”
Jaime, “Yeah you won, I lost. I get it.”
They close up on Jaime’s mud covered face with his dead hand beside him.
Recap Season 3, Episode 3
Previously: Brienne kicked Jaime’s butt, that goddamn three eyed crow came back, the Queen of Thorns killed it, mild crossbow foreplay, warging, hippies, the triumphant return of the Hound and the outing of Arya Stark, Rickon running wildly through the woods like a mysterious and magical wood nymph, Catelyn and Robb finding out about Rickon and Bran possibly being dead and taking it in stride, etc. etc.
This. Fucking. Episode. I was too hungover on Sunday to make it to my friend’s weekly Game of Thrones watching party and was like, “It’s fine it’s only the third episode it’s not like they’re going to get to the de-handing Jaime thing yet.” But I forgot that this show has the pacing of a goddamn race horse and Benioff and Weiss don’t give a fuck and will cut off anyone’s limb at anytime, so I had to watch this by MYSELF, with only my delivery food to yell at.
Alright. Deep breath, let’s do this.
The End of First Knight!
We say goodbye to Lord Hoster Tully.
In fact we didn’t even know you at all, because that’s how intense this show is, even off camera characters are on the chopping block. Then, we meet Catelyn’s younger brother, Edmure!
Edmure comes up with his bow and his awesome scaley fish armor and lights a flaming arrow ready to send his father off with dignity to his fiery/watery grave…and it goes… right into the current.
Edmure, “Don’t worry I got this.”
He tries again, and it’s a swing in a miss. People start giggling and even Robb laughs!!!
Robb, “It feels good to laugh.”
Catelyn gives him the most hardcore death glare and is like, “Laugh again and it will be you in that boat.”
(Which Catelyn, the funniest thing that has happened to your son in weeks is a funeral. Shit is bleaaaak. Let him get his lols where he can.)
Edmure tries again and misses.
Hoster’s body is rapidly sailing out of sight so Catelyn’s awesome Uncle Blackfish puts an end to this tomfoolery and shoves Edmure aside. Blackfish lights an arrow and sends it flying AND HE’S SO HARDCORE HE DOESN’T EVEN LOOK TO MAKE SURE IT LANDS.
Blackfish walks away, leaving Edmure and everyone to wallow in Edmure’s shame.
Recap Season 3, Episode 2
Robb was a dick to his mother, Bronn and Tyrion reunited, Tywin destroyed Tyrion’s and by extension all of our souls, we got to see Salladhor Saan’s awesome boats and decorative blankets, Drogon flew like a beautiful bird in the sky, Jon met a giant and another mentor, there was brief but traumatic nipple cutting, warlock fuckery, surprise Barristan Selmy, etc., etc.
This was Such. A. Good. Episode.
Let’s do this!!
Bran’s running through the wilderness like a proud strong Pocahontas! When he sees that fucking three-eyed crow again.
Bran’s like, “I’ve had about all I can take of your shit, crow.” He then decides to kill it with an arrow. Yeah Bran! Kill it! Kill it! But then we get a flashback to the pilot to remind us that 1. Bran is not a great bowman and 2. Bran and I are alike in that we both have dreams where Kit Harrington and Richard Madden coach us on how to kill fowl (but in Bran’s dream everyone wears clothes (unfortunately.)) And it’s actually really heartbreaking because Bran misses his attractive brothers and only gets to see them in his dreams! And just when everyone’s crying as much as they can there’s Ned’s voice! Telling everyone to be nice to Bran!
And we don’t get to see him!! (Which Bean! Make a cameo! What are you doing that’s more important??)
Then Bran turns and almost shoots the kid from Love Actually.
Jojen, “You can’t kill that bird.”
Bran, “Don’t tell me what to do! Wait, do I know you?”
Jojen, “The raven is you.”
Bran, “Gross, birds carry disease!”
Jojen, “It’s a metaphor.”
At that Bran bolts awake.
He’s in the a tent next to Rickon who is sleeping soundly with his direwolf:
Rickon! You prince! It’s good to see you!
Bran, rudely wakes him up.
Bran, “It’s just a nightmare.”
Hodor, “Oh, okay.”
Osha, “Were you warging into Summer again?”
Bran, “No. I was sucking at archery and making new friends.”
Osha, “I’ve got a lot on my plate right now, I can’t like hear new things.”
Bran, “I didn’t ask to be a prophet!”
Osha, “Well hopefully you will find someone to help you with that because it is out of my skill set. Now we gotta keep moving.”
Bran, “Why? Theon burned those two kids and told everyone they were us remember?”
Osha, “We’re kinda forgetting about that on the show now. Besides I can smell the stink in the air, patchouli and musical festivals. They’re coming…”
Osha, “Can your 3 eyed raven tell us if we’re being followed or where the nearest McDonalds is?”
Bran, “No these dreams aren’t “helpful” per se.”
Osha, “We got a while to go to get to the Wall, let’s hurry along. Someone grab Rickon.”
Recap Season 3, Episode 1
And we’re back guys! The wait was terrible but it’s finally here!
The television adaptation of the most intense book ever read by any fan ever.
You thought George R.R. Martin wasn’t messing around before when he chopped Ned’s head off. You have no idea. You think you know but you have no idea.
Let’s do this!
North of The Wall!
Screeching and fighting! Yay! We’re gonna see the fight at the Fist of the First Men!
Just kidding! We’re gonna jump to the next morning.
(HBO, “We’re not gonna blow our budget on a battle for the first five minutes of the season, come on guys.”)
So instead we open on Samwell Tarly:
Sam’s been running a damn half marathon through a blizzard and is so relieved when he comes across a figure in the mist and is like, “Friend, hello friend?”
But the dude is not a friend, dude is holding his own head in his hands. And then through the mist! Is it another friend? No. It’s a White Walker!
And he has a giant axe!! And he goes straight for Sam!!
White Walker, “Give me your head!”
Sam uses his cat like reflexes to leap out of the way and just when it looks like it’s curtains, who’s there? Out of the snow, out of the mist, who comes running?
GHOST! I MISSED YOU!!!
Ghost jumps on the White Walker all:
And holds him down while Mormont lights him on fire.
White Walker, “I died.”
Mormont is with the rest of the survivors including some of our favorites.
Sam to Mormont:
Commander Mormont, “Did you send the ravens?”
Sam, “Uhh no, I was a little busy RUNNING FOR MY LIFE and miraculously and inexplicably escaping a ZOMBIE HORDE. Also, what ravens? I was out in the wilderness digging up shit, I can’t summon messenger birds to my person. I’m not Pocahontas.”
Commander Mormont, “You had one job, Sam. You’re going to have to do better.”
Don’t worry Sam!
Mormont, “We need to get back to the Wall. It’s going to be long and cold and we’ll be attacked on all ends by zombies, and I’m not gonna lie, we’re not all gonna make it. But we have to do it, have to warn the rest of Westoros. Or before the winter’s done, everyone you’ve ever known will be dead.”
Geroge R. R. Martin:
Recap Season 2, Episode 10
Whew, time went by fast.
Sorry, I went out for a pack of smokes there and never came back. I’ve been busy.
I did things not on the internet.
I fell into a Shameless sinkhole and have been trying to claw my way out.
Anyway, it’s not important. What matters is I’m back and I’ll never leave you again! (Probably.) Thank you all for your awesome patience and notes of encouragement. They mean so much to me!
Right, so where were we? Well, it’s been at least five fucking years since the episode aired, and we’ve all pretty much forgotten what happened. But who cares? We’re here, we’re doing this, and we’re gonna have fun anyway.
So everyone get a seat, grab a beer, and relax.
Let’s do this!
So it’s coming! I know I always say that.
Luckily I think I’ve finally ran out of money so I have no choice but to stop wilding out and lock myself in my apartment. So just relax, I got this.