"They say it’s not great to have children in threes because one kid always winds up feeling left out. Could you imagine if your siblings were twins and fucking? Talk about a third wheel. "
Ned wakes up drenched in sweat. Cersei is standing over him, smiling her evil smile, ready to get intense about it. Robert is concerned for his pal.
Ned, “Pardon your Grace, I would rise but…” (Ned is really taking to this whole sarcasm thing.)
Cersi immediately begins yelling about how Catelyn stole Tyrion. (Her bedside manner could use some work.) Ned sticks with his story about how he magically knew that Tyrion and Catelyn would run into each other at a Hampton Inn and telepathically told Catelyn to lose her shit and take him hostage. Robert and Cersei do him the favor of not even pretending to believe him. Cersei came into this room looking for a fight and she’s not leaving without one, so she starts screaming about dare Catelyn Stark lay her poorly dressed Tully hands on a Lannister.
Ned, “Okay you need to stop talking about my wife like that, I’m the King’s Hand.”
Cersei, “No you’re not, you’re just an unemployed person. You quit because you wouldn’t kill a baby! So jokes on you.”
Robert, “IF PEOPLE ARE YELLING I’M GOING TO YELL THE LOUDEST. Here’s how this is gonna go down so the entire kingdom doesn’t lose it’s fucking mind. Catelyn is going to release Tyrion and you and Jaime are going put aside your differences and go to couple’s counseling.”
Ned, “Will we tho? He stabbed Jory in the EYE and SMILED at me while he did it.”
Cersei, “I should not be as turned on by that as I am. Moving on, once again I’m feeling threatened so I’m just going to start making shit up that fits my narrative. Reality and I have a complicated relationship. What happened was Ned over here was getting wasted at Littlefinger’s whore house and boning sluts.”
Season 1, Episode 5
It’s a beautiful day in King’s Landing and interns are hard at work setting up the Ren Fair for the day. Ned Stark is on a mission to finally figure out what the fuck is going on.
Ser Hugh Medical Tent!
Selmy’s already there watching the nurses stitch up Ser Hugh’s throat.
Ned, “How’s it going, ladies?”
Recap Episode 4, Season 1
Previously: Sword Fighting, Lassos, Shitty Disguises, Lancel, Chatty Crows, Grey Gardening, Drogo’s Super Sperm, etc.
Bran is walking around with his bow and arrow and you’re like, “Wow, what a speedy resolution to that plot line!” But then you realize no one’s around and he’s chasing a rather slow crow and you’re like, “It’s possible this could be a dream and if so have more interesting dreams Bran. You’re paralyzed in a world that hasn’t invented the internet, this is the most exciting thing that’s going to happen to you all day, go nuts!” But no, he’s just chasing this gross crow and then it turns around and it has 3 eyes and you’re like, “That’s slightly more interesting but still if we’re going to be watching your dreams at least give them some narrative flavor.” He wakes up in his room and Old Nan is there knitting.
Old Nan asks about his dreaming. Don’t even try Nan, it’s not worth it. Then Theon bursts into the room. I was kidding earlier Bran, your paralyzation is terrible!
Summer is instantly pissed at the sight of Theon. (Rip out his throat!) Theon, “There are visitors so you gotta get up. Well, not get up cause you can’t get up, but you gotta get downstairs somehow.”
Bran, “I don’t want nobody carrying me. Not now. Not ever, ya here!”
Theon, “Really? If I was couped up all day with only this old bat for company I’d go mad.” You did NOT just insult Old Nan, Theon. You did NOT JUST.
Bran, “Not interested.”
Theon, “Well you don’t have a choice, Robb’s waiting.” (If that’s not enough of a reason to get out of bed I don’t know what is.)
Bran, “Make me Greyjoy.”
Theon, “Look girl, I feel you. We all have big warm comfy beds we’d rather be laying in right now. But Robb told me to come get you and I have to do what Robb says because he’s prettier than I am, and you have to do what I say which isn’t true at all but I will take whatever meager amounts of power I can find and then abuse them because being raised as a ward in Winterfell has given me an insane Napoleon complex.”
Bran, “I thought the worst thing about being paralyzed was giving up on my all my hopes and dreams and the impact it would have on my dating life, but I was wrong, not being able to walk away from this conversation is the worst thing.”
Then Theon calls in Hodor to carry Bran downstairs.
Likes: Naked swimming, Hodor, Carrying small children
Dislikes: Grover Norquist’s strangled hold on tax reform, Hodor
Hodor picks Bran up by the scruff of his neck and jogs downstairs.
Recap Episode 3, Season 1 (Spoiler alert: This episode is awesome. Also, there are spoilers.)
Previously: Twig Dolls, Hangovers, Fires, Cruelty to Animals, Face Knifing, Slapping, Slim Jims, Outdoor Pissing, Teaching of New Sexual Positions, etc.
The Starks arrive in the capitol and are like, “It’s loud, there are too many people, everyone’s so rude, how many Starbucks does one city need, there are so many homeless people, it’s too expensive.” A nerdy squire comes running up to Ned all, “OMG, there’s a council meeting happening and you’re already late. Is that what you’re wearing? You sure you don’t wanna put on a blazer?”
Ned, “These are my fancy clothes.”
Squire, “Going for the whole rugged, been riding for a month thing, well sure it works on you. Let’s go.” (Also I’m not telling HBO how to live their life, but it does seem kinda possible that these are the only clothes Ned Stark owns.)
They open the door to the main hall and Jaime is by himself reclining across the steps leading up to the Iron Throne. I’m going to do him the courtesy of assuming he was taking some self pics for his facebook profile because otherwise, what the hell you doing Jaime?
Ned starts having flashbacks. (During Robert’s Rebellion Jaime was in the Mad King’s secret service; when the rebellion was close to succeeding, Jaime had a “fuck this job” moment and murdered the king. After this happened Ned got to King’s Landing before Robert did and when he walked into the Red Keep, Jaime was chilling on the Iron Throne drinking a beer all:
And that pissed Ned off because the throne belonged to his boyfriend Robert. Even though Jaime totally gave it up to Robert, Ned didn’t like the implication.)
Jaime sarcastically, “Thank god you’re here Stark, we’re in need of your intense brand of northerness.” (I know Jaime’s fucking around but the Red Keep could really use some northern flavor.)
Ned, “Protecting the throne I see.” (Ned’s that annoying person in your office who bitches about you being on gchat when you should be working.)
Jaime, “That thing? Yeah, lots of people sit on it. Speaking of butts and specifically buttholes remember when Robert asked you to come to King’s Landing to wash his butt for him and you said yes?”
Ned, “Ugh, banter is so not my forte. I’m not great with sarcasm, we don’t have a lot of Jews in the north. Your face is very handsome what with no bruises…or something….”
Jaime, “Yeah people keep trying to land one on me but they haven’t cause I’m that good.’
Ned, “Or you just choose opponents…opponents….with short arms! Ha! Pussy.”
Jaime Lannister will tolerate a variety of shenanigans but he will not tolerate being called a pussy.
Jaime, “This must be so weird for you, I was totally standing right here when the Mad King murdered your uncle and dad with fire.” (The Mad King is Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator/I’m Still Here:
Jaime, “I’m going to tell you some more unnecessary details about your father’s gruesome death.”
Ned, “Remember how you did nothing to help him?”
Jamie, “In my defense, five hundred men did nothing to help him, because aside from the wonderful, happy place inside your head where everyone feels a deep-seated need to do what’s right, people are by and large pretty shitty.” (He’s also making an argument for democracy and the power of freedom of thought but I don’t think that’s his point.) “Annyyhooo, later when I killed the king I thought of your dad and I felt like I was doing a good thing.” (Like Cersei and her story about Robert’s dead baby, he’s telling the truth here, he’s just doing it for fucked up reasons. I think the Lannisters need friends who aren’t each other.) “Isn’t it weird how I totally avenged your father instead of you?”
Ned, “Oh fuck you pretty boy. You didn’t do it for my dad, you still totally blow for literally stabbing the king in the back.”
Jamie, “If I stabbed him in the belly would you admire me more?”
Ned, “1. I don’t admire you. 2. I’m over this. Stark out!” And starks off.
Recap Episode 2, Season One
Previously: Zombies, Wolves, Haircuts, Rape, Dragon Eggs, Twincest, Walls, Defenestration, etc. etc.
Across the Narrow Sea!
Daenerys is taking five when Jorah comes over because Jorah is never anywhere farther than 5 seconds from being up Daenerys’s ass at all times. Jorah is like, “You need to take care of yourself,” and gives her a horse slim jim. Her face says, “If I eat another piece of horse meat I’m going to ralph.” Jorah tells her the Dothraki believe in a ghost grass that will destroy all living crops and take over the world because they are super concerned about global warming. Daenerys, “Is this supposed to be making me feel better or…” Jorah sees Daenerys looking apprehensively at Drogo and tells her it will get easier. She looks at him like, “Gross old man, why would you say that?” and rides away. Jorah, “A swing and a miss.”
The Dothraki make camp. Jorah stops Viserys and is like, “Uhh dude don’t you wanna go back to the hotel, it doesn’t really seem like camping is your thing.”
Viserys, “I don’t want a hotel I want an army.” He picks up on Jorah’s condenscion and brings up his slave trading because Viserys is a manipulative dick. He makes Jorah tell him about how he got caught selling slaves by Ned Stark. Viserys, “Sucks to be you dude. Btw you can totally do that when I’m king and there will be a soda machine in the cafeteria, senior parking on Thursday and Friday, it’s going to be totally sweet.” Iain Glen says the word, “douche” under his breath as Viserys walks away.
Recap: Season 1, Episode 1 (mild spoilers) HBO Series based on the fantasy novels, “A Song of Ice and Fire,” by George R.R. Martin (Think: Camelot + Lord of the Rings + Braveheart + Rape + Princess Bride + Night of the Living Dead + Dallas + Gladiator + How I Met Your Mother + Dragons)
Background: The kingdom in which all the main characters live, Westoros, is guarded at it’s northern end by a giant wall made of ice. The kingdom sends its prisoners (rapists/thieves/murders/highly born bastards) to man the wall to protect it from the “wildlings” who are the free people who live beyond the wall and don’t have kings and queens. It’d be like if Canada took the whole being ruled by Queen Elizabeth thing super seriously and put all its shoplifters and hockey game rioters on a giant fence between the Canada/American border, called it the “Night Watch,” and insisted that everyone be celibate in order to protect its citizens from guns, democracy, fatty foods, and limited access to health care.
So giant! So white! So cold! Three skeezy looking dudes, rangers of the Night Watch, ride their horses north of the wall trying to track some free people who wandered too close to the border. The blond one finds the wildlings’ bbq but instead of a bbq, everybody is dead and hacked up into body parts and arranged in a devil style pentagram thing.
He goes back to his pals and is like, “So they’re all dead….that’s kinda weird right?” The leader gets racist with it and is like, “They’re wildlings, of course they killed each other, have you seen their parades?” The other two are like, “Yeah, so… we can go home now, right?” The leader (who my mom says looks like Matt Damon) says, “We can go investigate this grisly murder scene you found or you can run away like little girls and when they catch you, they’ll kill you for being deserters of the Night Watch.”
The leader then uses the preferred method of motivation in the Seven Kingdoms by calling them both a pussies a bunch of times. They’re like, “Fine, but you’re buying us Breakfast Scrambles after.” They get to the site of the bbq and there’s nothing there, no wildlings, no hacked up dead people, no bbq. Then one finds some shit on the ground. Behind the leader one of the dead people pops up, now a zombie with creepy blue eyes. His friend is like, “Whatever you do, don’t look…” The leader of course looks behind him and gets an axe in the face. The blond has wisely chosen to run away from this bbq of terror when he’s caught by a child zombie. He then sees his pal get caught by a zombie. The zombie cuts his friend’s head off and throws it at him, which is just super impolite for starters. He looks at the head at his feet then at the zombie: